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"Do as I say, not as I do" VS "lead by example"


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  #1  
May 8th, 2007, 01:50 PM
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I seem to notice that most parents fall into one or the other. Some parents cuss around their children, drink, smoke, ect... and have the mentality of "I'm the parent and you'll do as I say, not as I do". While the other parents seem to abstain from this (even if it means abstaining from "fun" activities) and lead by example. Is one parenting style more appropriate (not better, but appropriate for certain ages ect...) than the other?
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  #2  
May 8th, 2007, 01:54 PM
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I HATE the saying "do as I say, not as I do"......If you are going to be a hypocrite in your parenting tactics don't expect to recieve respect from your kids.
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  #3  
May 8th, 2007, 01:59 PM
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My mom is like that do as I say not as I do. I am not a hypocrite. Do I smoke around my children no I smoke outside. Do I drink around my children once in a great while I will have a smirnoff. Do I swear yes I do . Do I try to watch myself around my kids yes. I dont think there is any proper outstanding way to parenting. Parenting is learned by each person and there personality. Some may say well im not a good parent. But both my girls are happy healthy smart and polite. They use please and thank you. In my opinion Im a great parent to my girls the smiles on there faces and love in there hearts is enough to say so
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  #5  
May 8th, 2007, 02:06 PM
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What if the parent did a lot of stupid things when they were younger (did drugs, or drank too much or whatever the case may be). Can they really turn around and then tell their kid NOT to do the things they once did without being a hippocrite?

I don't know. I am prepared my son will probably sow some wild oats when he hits his teen years, just like I did when I was his age. I think it's part of growing up to an extent. It's just hard to draw the line between sowing some oats, and the point where this becomes dangerous or destructive (which is where it's time to step in).
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  #6  
May 8th, 2007, 02:10 PM
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Most teenagers go through the "sowing the oats" or w/e saying you wanna use stage in their life. I guess I wasn't talking about telling kids not to smoke, drink and drugs. To me, that is different. I was thinking of a Mom saying "don't lie" but then does it all the time herself kwim?
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  #8  
May 8th, 2007, 02:13 PM
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Definately lead by example! Anything else is pointless.
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  #9  
May 8th, 2007, 02:13 PM
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Also, you tell your kids NOT to do self-destructive behavior..smoke, drink, drugs etc... But if they do end up experimenting as a teenager, you can't act totally surprised that they didn't 100% listen to you because of your experiences. Part of growing up is making ones OWN mistakes.
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  #10  
May 8th, 2007, 02:25 PM
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lead by example with in reason. There are some things for saftey reasons or whatnot that a child can not do. I don't think lead by example means a child overuns the parent which is what I've seen people suggest [if kid can't drink, then parent should either].

Also, as far as smoking, my dad says all the time "don't ever pick up smoking", but he says it because he has smoked for so many years, and quitting or trying to has been almost impossible for him. I think that kind of stuff falls into a different group.
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  #11  
May 8th, 2007, 02:40 PM
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I think... Absolutely lead by example, while acknowlodging that mistakes make us human and are learning opportunities. Try to do what you want your kids to do, but don't be afraid to let them know you're not perfect, so that they don't think you have unreasonable expectiations for them either, KWIM?
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  #12  
May 8th, 2007, 05:13 PM
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I am just going with the smoking point. My father started smoking when he was 12. He had his bladder removed when he was 63. He stopped smoking for 2 1/2 years and started again because it was an addiction. He actually was my example of "Do as I say" not by example. He knew that it was wrong but was sooo addicted he could not stop. He had a stroke 4 years ago and has never been the same.
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  #13  
May 8th, 2007, 05:23 PM
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I don't think that parent's fit into these neat categories, but I guess I am a "do as I say and not as I do", if I have to choose between the two.
I don't drink often, but I do host the occassional BBQ at my house and there is drinking. It is not a huge drunkfest, just a few select friends and our kids hanging out. I try to watch my language, but I have the occassional slip up. I do smoke, not inside or around my children. There are many things I, as an adult, am allowed to do that my children cannot. I also stay up late. I also can watch TV when I want or play on the computer at my leisure. I can drive. I can go outside without permission. I can cook using the stove and the oven....you get the idea.
I also lead by example. I teach my children to be respectful of others. I teach my children to be responsible. I teach my children to be caring and empathetic. I teach my children to be kind and unselfish.
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  #14  
May 8th, 2007, 05:41 PM
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I think its always better for a parent of a child any age to lead by example.
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  #15  
May 8th, 2007, 05:57 PM
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So, do all of you who claim to lead by example go to bed when your children do? Do you only watch G rated movies? Do you use the stove or oven? Do you drive? Do you go outside when you wish?

I think it is silly to say that a parent, an adult, must live by the same rules they set for their children.
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  #16  
May 8th, 2007, 06:14 PM
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Quote:
So, do all of you who claim to lead by example go to bed when your children do? Do you only watch G rated movies? Do you use the stove or oven? Do you drive? Do you go outside when you wish?

I think it is silly to say that a parent, an adult, must live by the same rules they set for their children.[/b]
ITA .... sorry I do not mean to offend your cliche
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  #17  
May 8th, 2007, 06:27 PM
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Quote:
So, do all of you who claim to lead by example go to bed when your children do? Do you only watch G rated movies? Do you use the stove or oven? Do you drive? Do you go outside when you wish?

I think it is silly to say that a parent, an adult, must live by the same rules they set for their children.[/b]

well certainly their is a differance between kids and adults...so yes their are things adults do that kids cant do just because they are kids but, aside from the obvious things kids cant do like drive cars, cook dinner, go outside as I wish, I think its important for you to be an example for your child. Setting the example by eating healthy, earn respect by being respectful, model appropriate behavior for certain situations, model good manners. I try to always consider how I would like to be treated when I am dealing with my kids. Its extremely important to be a good example for your kids. Your kids look up to you. It doesnt make sense in a childs mind why he/she cant do what mom does. I think it just makes it that more interesting when they see you do it. If you use a bad word the child doesnt know what the word means, he just hears mom use it so it must be ok. Even though mom says its not ok...they dont understand how being a child makes it bad but, being an adult makes it ok.
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  #18  
May 8th, 2007, 06:34 PM
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Quote:
Most teenagers go through the "sowing the oats" or w/e saying you wanna use stage in their life. I guess I wasn't talking about telling kids not to smoke, drink and drugs. To me, that is different. I was thinking of a Mom saying "don't lie" but then does it all the time herself kwim?[/b]
^^^ This is what I don't think the quote should be used for. I think for things like this^^^ you need to be an example and not do it yourself.
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  #19  
May 8th, 2007, 07:27 PM
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Quote:
So, do all of you who claim to lead by example go to bed when your children do? Do you only watch G rated movies? Do you use the stove or oven? Do you drive? Do you go outside when you wish?

I think it is silly to say that a parent, an adult, must live by the same rules they set for their children.[/b]
Oh... I wasn't taking it that way, but looking back at the OP, she did mention drinking in front of your kids as an example, so maybe I answered this wrong... I guess I was just thinking of leading by example as not doing as an adult things that you wouldn't want your kids to do, even as an adult, KWIM?
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  #20  
May 9th, 2007, 12:29 AM
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I think a distinction can be made between being a behavioral example and being a decision-making example. Parents aren't perfect and everyone makes mistakes. You may model good behavior all you wish, but making mistakes and dealing with them appropriately can be a great learning experience too. By a certain age, say 7 or so, kids can understand that adults make mistakes but can resolve the issue and move on. It's about showing a child how to own up to something, be accountable, weigh out a decision, communicate, negotiate, compromise, apologize, and solve problems. Kids who think their parents are *perfect* will not see these important skills in action.

ETA: I do not agree with a "do as I say and not as I do" attitude. Kids will do as you do, whether you tell them to or not.
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