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  #1  
May 9th, 2007, 08:53 AM
SusieQ2's Avatar Jersey Girl
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 39,051
My best friend of about 16 years is married to a jerk. They have been married 9 years and have 2 children. I cannot stand her husband because he is an obnoxious bleep bleep bleep! He treats my friend terribly. He doesn't help her around the house. He is either sleeping or working. He never spends much time with the kids expect to play so roughly with them that he hurts them.

He is too rough with my friend. He'll hit her, in what he thinks in playing around, but does it so hard that he leaves marks. When she was pregnant with her oldest she was told not to have sex from her 7th month on. She was very high risk. Her husband didn't like this. One day he forced her to have sex with him. She has never really gotten over it and their sex life has never been the same.

Now, here is where I come into play. They rarely have sex and I think he has begun looking elsewhere. He hits on me whenever we see each other and has suggested that I sleep with him (gag, gag, puke). I also found out that while my friend was pregnant with her youngest he went out and cheated on her with one of our other friends.

So now I know he has cheated (with one of our friends nonetheless). I confronted this other friend about it and she admits it but refuses to come clean to the wife.

I think my friend has a right to know this information. The problems are the fact that she has said that she pretty much would never leave him no matter what (she is too afraid to be on her own) so it would just make the situation worse for her and the kids but yet she wouldn't get out. The husband and this other "friend" are also very vindictive people and I'm afraid that they will seek revenge against me.

So should I tell my friend, even though it probably won't change anything? Or should I keep my mouth shut and hope that she finally smartens up and leaves on her own or that one of the others will confess?


Help because this is eating away at me!
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  #2  
May 9th, 2007, 08:57 AM
Mega Super Mommy
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Well she has made it clear that she won't leave him no matter what- so I would not say anything. There doesn't seem to be a point. It's not going to do any good, or change anything for the better, or give her the guts to leave.
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  #3  
May 9th, 2007, 08:58 AM
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Join Date: May 2006
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Well, the way I see it, she already knows MOST of the bad stuff about him--like the fact that he's a jerk and selfish and basically a pig. (She might already know about the cheating too.) And despite the fact that she is pretty well informed about him, she has stuck around. I would probably not say anything more, just try to continue to be supportive and avoid him in the process.
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  #4  
May 9th, 2007, 09:05 AM
Laney21's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: NB, Canada
Posts: 21,661
Quote:
Or should I keep my mouth shut and hope that she finally smartens up and leaves on her own or that one of the others will confess?[/b]
Yes, that's what I would do. It sounds like you would be doing more harm than good by telling her.

I'm sorry you have to watch your friend in a relationship like that.
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  #5  
May 9th, 2007, 09:09 AM
Ms.Michelle
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Your friend sounds like she is in a controlling abusive relationship and I know how hard it is to be friends with someone you care about in that situation. I know it hurts you to see it.

This situation is even harder when you know there is denial on her end and lack of resources. For you personally, I would recommend speaking to your local women's shelter to help you have a place to vent. They can give you guidance as well. I know this sounds trivial but you can really help your friend by just being there for her. What is happening in a situation like that is she is slowly being isolated. Her self-esteem is slowly being taken away. (Just imagine what happens when you aren't there to witness the verbal, emotional and sexual assaults.) Because of all of this, you may end up being her only place to confide in. The reason why I want you to talk to the shelter is so when your frustration with the situation becomes too much, you don't want to take it out on her. (I know you wouldn't mean to do it but I personally know how easy it is to do that.) Also, you can start a journal just for her. Everytime you see her get hit, or she tells you about a hit, document it. If he uses a weapon (like an ashtray or even a shoe to kick her) document it. It may be something she will need down the road but just isn't in a position to do herself. Start looking up safety plans for her.. They start out small, like being between him and a door. (Not having him block an escape.) Work with her (when she is ready) to keep important documents like the kids birth certificates, bank account information and such so when she has a chance to escape, she has it ready.

I know it sounds crazy but a women who is beat and verbally assaulted can't just leave. She isn't mentally ready too. You have to work with her to build her up to it.

I guess what I'm saying is the cheating is nothing.. I'm sure she knows. She is abused and doesn't have the power within herself to leave because of the abuse, nevermind the cheating.

If you want to talk more about it, you can always pm me too.

I'm sorry you're going through it but I'm proud of you looking for a way to help her.

PS ~ Funny enough, yesterday's Oprah was about this subject. I had a good cry last night chatting with my husband about it. It's something that never seems to go away.
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  #6  
May 9th, 2007, 09:30 AM
SusieQ2's Avatar Jersey Girl
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Location: New Jersey
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Thanks girls I feel better already. It really hurts to see someone you love go through. I listen to her all of the time and try to help her see that she is capable of leaving when she is ready. I constantly remind her that she deserves better than her current situation.

The problem is that she doesn't want to be without money or anything. She enjoys his income and the fact that right now she doesn't have to work. She hates working and doesn't want to have to start. Her kids are both school age so that helps a bit. This is why it bugs me when other women insist that women should stay home. Sometimes that isn't the best option.

Michelle, I will talk to my local shelter. I do keep track of the things she tells me and I have also kept the text messages that he sends me. She threatened to leave him recently and then he threatened to kill himself in front of the kids.
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  #7  
May 9th, 2007, 09:40 AM
Ms.Michelle
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Quote:
She threatened to leave him recently and then he threatened to kill himself in front of the kids.[/b]
Classic tactic used by abusers. ((@$$hole))

They don't mean it. They only use it as a means to control. It's the only time I don't take suicidal threats seriously unless he personally reaches out to an outside source. If he is serious, he can be hospitalized. How you can really tell, is if he has a plan. Real people who are suicidal have a well thought out plan and will tell you it. That's enough to get him in the hospital. If he isn't intervened, he could kill her, the kids then himself.

Do they have pets? Most women's shelters will help here but if your area does not, figure out a safe place to get the pet. Many abusers will kill a pet to send the message about her and their kids.
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  #8  
May 9th, 2007, 09:45 AM
SusieQ2's Avatar Jersey Girl
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: New Jersey
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Quote:
Quote:
She threatened to leave him recently and then he threatened to kill himself in front of the kids.[/b]
Classic tactic used by abusers. ((@$$hole))

They don't mean it. They only use it as a means to control. It's the only time I don't take suicidal threats seriously unless he personally reaches out to an outside source. If he is serious, he can be hospitalized. How you can really tell, is if he has a plan. Real people who are suicidal have a well thought out plan and will tell you it. That's enough to get him in the hospital. If he isn't intervened, he could kill her, the kids then himself.

Do they have pets? Most women's shelters will help here but if your area does not, figure out a safe place to get the pet. Many abusers will kill a pet to send the message about her and their kids.
[/b]

I knew he wasn't serious. It was for attention and control. I have known people who truly were suicidal and the signs are completely different. He stopped the talk when I threatened to have the police sent to his house to have him committed. He is a prison guard (perfect job for someone who loves to have power over others) and is considered technically a law officer. Attempts to commit suicide warrant removal of his weapon and possible discharge from his job.
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  #9  
May 9th, 2007, 09:49 AM
Ms.Michelle
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I knew he wasn't serious. It was for attention and control. I have known people who truly were suicidal and the signs are completely different. He stopped the talk when I threatened to have the police sent to his house to have him committed. He is a prison guard (perfect job for someone who loves to have power over others) and is considered technically a law officer. Attempts to commit suicide warrant removal of his weapon and possible discharge from his job.[/b]
Sounds like a really great guy.

I wonder because of his position, you could mention it to the women's shelter because there may be a special division just for her so she is protected. Many men who wear uniforms have priviledged access to places common folk do not. Some areas see that and have special circumstances to help women in that position.

The more information you know, the better able you'll be able to help her.
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  #10  
May 9th, 2007, 09:52 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Dec 2005
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Quote:
The problem is that she doesn't want to be without money or anything. She enjoys his income and the fact that right now she doesn't have to work. She hates working and doesn't want to have to start.[/b]
You could also point out that if they get divorced he *might* have to pay her alimony and definately child support. So she might not have to go to work right away. The fact that she stayed home for however long, she could even try to get him to pay for her to go back to school for a year or two and train for a new career.

More than likely, it's not that she hates work, it's that she is AFRAID she won't make it on her own. Low self esteem.
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  #11  
May 9th, 2007, 10:05 AM
SusieQ2's Avatar Jersey Girl
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Quote:
Quote:
The problem is that she doesn't want to be without money or anything. She enjoys his income and the fact that right now she doesn't have to work. She hates working and doesn't want to have to start.[/b]
You could also point out that if they get divorced he *might* have to pay her alimony and definately child support. So she might not have to go to work right away. The fact that she stayed home for however long, she could even try to get him to pay for her to go back to school for a year or two and train for a new career.

More than likely, it's not that she hates work, it's that she is AFRAID she won't make it on her own. Low self esteem.
[/b]

Way ahead of you there. I have told her that he will have to pay child support and possibly alimony. She is currently (finally) taking college classes. I keep telling her that if they get divorced she would likely receive financial aide as a single mother.

She really does hate to work. She has had a few jobs here and there and always quits because she hates going. She had a really good job for a while but lost it because she called out all of the time. She would call out whenever she didn't feel like going in.
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  #12  
May 9th, 2007, 11:20 AM
Pure Innocence
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I'd tell her and try and help her get out of the relationship. She is scared to leave and says she won't ever leave him, but what she is really saying is

HELP ME!

People in abusive relationships don't feel like they have a voice and they need their loved ones to be there for them to be that voice and help them be strong.
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  #13  
May 9th, 2007, 11:58 AM
Laney21's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Location: NB, Canada
Posts: 21,661
Quote:
She threatened to leave him recently and then he threatened to kill himself in front of the kids.[/b]
Did he make the threat in front of the kids or did he threaten to actually do it in front of the kids?
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  #14  
May 9th, 2007, 12:23 PM
donomama
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I would probably tell her. But before I told her, I would have the old hypothetical would you want to know talk. If she said she wanted to know, I would tell her right then. If she said she didn't want to know, that would make me think she alread did know and wasn't ready to do anything about it.
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  #15  
May 9th, 2007, 12:48 PM
*kyle*'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Cheating aside, here's what jumps out at me in this situation:

He is controlling
He is abusive
He has raped her
The kids are old enough to understand what's happening
He has threatened suicide
He has a gun *****

* This makes it MUCH more likely that actual violence will result from this situation - whether he shoots her, himself, the dog/cat, the kids, or a neighbor whom he is convinced is boinking his wife.

Go talk to someone in the field of social services, someone who is experienced in helping women in these situations. You cannot do this alone, you need support. You cannot force her to do anything, but you can involve authorities if you seriously feel someone is in danger - including him. Also including the children. Keep in mind that if they witness any abuse, THAT is abuse, and Child Protective Services needs to be called.
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  #16  
May 9th, 2007, 12:51 PM
Pure Innocence
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Quote:
Cheating aside, here's what jumps out at me in this situation:

He is controlling
He is abusive
He has raped her
The kids are old enough to understand what's happening
He has threatened suicide
He has a gun *****

* This makes it MUCH more likely that actual violence will result from this situation - whether he shoots her, himself, the dog/cat, the kids, or a neighbor whom he is convinced is boinking his wife.

Go talk to someone in the field of social services, someone who is experienced in helping women in these situations. You cannot do this alone, you need support. You cannot force her to do anything, but you can involve authorities if you seriously feel someone is in danger - including him. Also including the children. Keep in mind that if they witness any abuse, THAT is abuse, and Child Protective Services needs to be called.[/b]
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  #17  
May 9th, 2007, 12:58 PM
SusieQ2's Avatar Jersey Girl
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 39,051
Quote:
I'd tell her and try and help her get out of the relationship. She is scared to leave and says she won't ever leave him, but what she is really saying is

HELP ME!



People in abusive relationships don't feel like they have a voice and they need their loved ones to be there for them to be that voice and help them be strong.[/b]
I have offered everything I can for now. I have offered to let her stay with me even though I really have no room nor can I afford it. I live 40 minutes away and she doesn't want to pull her kids out of their school. I have offered to help find her a place to stay, given her numbers for women's services, provided her with tons of information, and even given her real estate listings of houses she could afford. I got info from another friend about how to apply for HUD (housing), welfare, food stamps and all of that kind of stuff. She really doesn't seem to want to leave. She says that she doesn't want to give up on her marriage (which normally I'd respect).


Quote:
Quote:
She threatened to leave him recently and then he threatened to kill himself in front of the kids.[/b]
Did he make the threat in front of the kids or did he threaten to actually do it in front of the kids?
[/b]

He sent this threat to me in text messages and then called me and told me. It was 2 am. The kids and my friend were already in bed. They had had a big argument and she told him she would leave him if he didn't change. So he called me crying and said he was going to kill himself and make her and the kids watch so that they would feel bad for making him do it.

This man just makes me sick. I have called Child Protective Services anonymously and I told them everything I could. They didn't find any evidence of abuse on the kids and therefore did nothing!
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  #18  
May 9th, 2007, 01:06 PM
Pure Innocence
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Haha, if I didn't know any better I would literally think you were talking about my brother. Unfortunately he's in jail now because his behavior became dangerous. It's been a hell-roller coaster ride. I'm 100% positive he is severely bi-polar.
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  #19  
May 9th, 2007, 01:10 PM
Ms.Michelle
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I have offered everything I can for now. I have offered to let her stay with me even though I really have no room nor can I afford it. I live 40 minutes away and she doesn't want to pull her kids out of their school. I have offered to help find her a place to stay, given her numbers for women's services, provided her with tons of information, and even given her real estate listings of houses she could afford. I got info from another friend about how to apply for HUD (housing), welfare, food stamps and all of that kind of stuff. She really doesn't seem to want to leave. She says that she doesn't want to give up on her marriage (which normally I'd respect).[/b]
Just try to be there for her for now. It takes time unfortunately. Just stay in contact with women shelters for a place to vent. I wish there was more we all could do.
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