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  #1  
May 12th, 2007, 06:52 AM
donomama
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Would you marry a man whose last marriage ended as a result of him cheating on his wife?
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  #2  
May 12th, 2007, 07:01 AM
Lisadear's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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kinda hard to say ... for a person to cheat I guess there might have been underlying issues with the married couple as a whole

my ex husband cheated on me and we split but that doesn't necessarily mean he's bad guy (which I would admit I thought he was back then lol) .... but right now he's with someone and pretty true to her ... mind you ... I dont know if he's cheating on her or not but he seems committed and happy

if I would do it ... I dont know ... maybe I might ... maybe I wouldnt ... I really don't know ....

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  #3  
May 12th, 2007, 07:03 AM
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This is a hard question to answer.

My first response is "no" because I believe in the traditional saying "once a cheater, always a cheater." But I would definitely have to be aware of the situation before making a decision.
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  #4  
May 12th, 2007, 07:08 AM
donomama
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I don't neccessarily believe the "once a cheater, always a cheater" line. I think people can change. But I would still never do it. I couldn't marry someone who had that little respect for the vows he gave to his wife, even if that woman wasn't me. He obviously doesn't respect marriage, or the sanctity of it.
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  #6  
May 12th, 2007, 08:02 AM
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I probably would. It would definitely depend on the situation and circumstances though. I would need the "whole story" before making my decision. I DO NOT believe "once a cheater....". People do stupid things sometimes. Maybe they got married young and they were both still immature. Maybe SHE was emotionally or physically 'not there' and he stepped out. That doesn't make it right, but it could make it a bit more understandable.

I think if I was getting to the point where I was considering marriage to someone, I would already know a significant amount about their history. How he was with someone else, may have nothing to do with how he'd be with me. I don't judge people on past mistakes.
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  #7  
May 12th, 2007, 08:15 AM
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My man is going to marry me and I cheated on my husband,

He understands, he knows the whole situation, he knows it all and trusts me and trusts that I have learned from my awful mistake.

It is not an issue for him what so ever. But maybe it is because he knew me and my EX did not have a good relationship, me and my EX did not have sex and we were living as house mates (enemy's) he was also cheating on me.

I would need to know the whole situation before I made that decision but once a cheater- always a cheater is BS. It works that way for some but we ALL make mistakes, some big, some small and to say no one can change and learn is small minded, people can and do change and I would not cheat on my current partner and he trusts me and it is not an issue here.

Quote:
I don't neccessarily believe the "once a cheater, always a cheater" line. I think people can change. But I would still never do it. I couldn't marry someone who had that little respect for the vows he gave to his wife, even if that woman wasn't me. He obviously doesn't respect marriage, or the sanctity of it.[/b]

I didn't then but I was 17, I do now at the age of nearly 26.

I also want to add that my EX and me were in a somewhat abusive marriage. If I cheated on someone I had a great relationship with it may have changed my DF opinion.
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  #8  
May 12th, 2007, 08:18 AM
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I don't really believe the "once a cheater, always a cheater" either. I think different circumstances bring about different actions and reactions. I would date or marry the person if I felt comfortable with the situation.
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  #9  
May 12th, 2007, 08:18 AM
chloe82
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Of course, if he is a changed man. I don't believe "once a cheater always a cheater" because I know people can change with God's help and a lot of determination. I hope I could judge a person based on the person they are in the present, not who they once were in the past. Maybe he made a huge mistake and learned a great deal from it ....who knows. I wouldn't marry anyone I wouldnt' trust completely, but if I knew he had changed and was a trustworthy, loyal man, than sure!
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  #11  
May 12th, 2007, 08:52 AM
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I don't think I'd ever BE in a relationship with that kind of man!
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  #12  
May 12th, 2007, 08:57 AM
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Quote:
I don't think I'd ever BE in a relationship with that kind of man![/b]
You might be surprised. He may not mention it and unless you found out some other way....

What I don't understand is that women don't seem to get mad at their SO's, but at the "other woman". Uh, not me. IF (it would never happen) my DH cheated with someone...why be mad at HER???? HE is the one in the relationship, not her. Ultimately SHE didn't MAKE him cheat. The fault ALL lies with him, I wouldn't hold her accountable in ANY way. I don't care if she pursued him or not. Any woman should feel free to pursue my husband. HE has self control and respect for me and our son. Should he decide to go outside of our marriage...it would be HIS ##### I kicked, not hers.
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  #13  
May 12th, 2007, 09:01 AM
SusieQ2's Avatar Jersey Girl
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Quote:
Quote:
I don't think I'd ever BE in a relationship with that kind of man![/b]
You might be surprised. He may not mention it and unless you found out some other way....

What I don't understand is that women don't seem to get mad at their SO's, but at the "other woman". Uh, not me. IF (it would never happen) my DH cheated with someone...why be mad at HER???? HE is the one in the relationship, not her. Ultimately SHE didn't MAKE him cheat. The fault ALL lies with him, I wouldn't hold her accountable in ANY way. I don't care if she pursued him or not. Any woman should feel free to pursue my husband. HE has self control and respect for me and our son. Should he decide to go outside of our marriage...it would be HIS ##### I kicked, not hers.
[/b]

Wow, I thought that maybe I was the only one who felt that way. I always hear women calling the other woman "homewrecker" and things like that. The person who is in the marriage that cheated is the homewrecker. The other woman or man isn't the one who took marriage vows. I think for some reason though a lot of women find it easier to get mad at the other woman and blame her rather than blame the husband and examine the problems in their marriage.
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  #14  
May 12th, 2007, 09:29 AM
Story's Avatar French Canadian
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Quote:
You might be surprised. He may not mention it and unless you found out some other way....[/b]
Well yeah if I don't know it it's different!

Quote:
What I don't understand is that women don't seem to get mad at their SO's, but at the "other woman". Uh, not me. IF (it would never happen) my DH cheated with someone...why be mad at HER???? HE is the one in the relationship, not her. Ultimately SHE didn't MAKE him cheat. The fault ALL lies with him, I wouldn't hold her accountable in ANY way. I don't care if she pursued him or not. Any woman should feel free to pursue my husband. HE has self control and respect for me and our son. Should he decide to go outside of our marriage...it would be HIS ##### I kicked, not hers.[/b]
I agree!
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  #15  
May 12th, 2007, 09:35 AM
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I would marry someone that has cheated... YOU DON"T KNOW THE SITUATION they were in. She could have been a non sex giving, nagging hooch, who ran him in the dirt when he did all he could to please her.... See my point... granted he probably should not have cheated... but come on... women can drive men to cheat as well as a man can drive a woman to cheat...
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  #16  
May 12th, 2007, 09:57 AM
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^ I'd say it's a very rare case when the spouse being cheated on is a complete and total *********, with absolutely no fault on the cheating spouse. Just because someone treats their spouse like crap doesn't give them the right to cheat on them. Two wrongs don't make a right and all that stuff?

No, I wouldn't date or marry someone who I knew cheated in a previous marriage, just like I wouldn't marry or date someone who was a recovering heroin addict.

Maybe I just don't trust people enough, IDK. But since I can't control anything in the world that other people do, what I CAN do for myself is make sure I put myself in the best position possible to not be hurt, financially devastated, etc.

Edited: Holy cow, "*********" isn't a curse word anymore?!

It doesn't mean a recovering heroin addict or a previous cheater aren't good people.
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  #17  
May 12th, 2007, 10:01 AM
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Quote:
Originally posted by CeCe
When I say 'once a cheater, always a cheater', I mean it more like that once a person cheats, they are more inclined to cheat again when compared to someone who hasn't ever cheated before. Not necessarily that they WILL INDEFINITELY cheat again...but that they have a predisposition to it. That's reality.
I dunno if I would agree on that one. I am sure that is the case for most people who cheat but not everyone. I can not say that everyone who cheats would be more inclined to do it again. I know I think I would be less likely to cheat than others because I know the damage it done to MYSELF, I could not live with myself, I could not look in the mirror and like what I saw. Now I can but at the time I couldn't. I would never do that to my DF and most of all I would not do that to myself again.

I don't think we can make blanket statements. IMO a man or women who is in a pretty good marriage and cheats just because he/she likes sex with new people would be more likely to cheat again than someone who cheated due to an unhappy marriage, got married to young etc etc If it just a case of not wanting to keep it in your pants because you like sex with other people then I would agree that they are likely to do it again.

ETA CeCE after reading your post again I think we actually agree with each other lol.
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  #18  
May 12th, 2007, 04:17 PM
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Well, considering the fact i am just about to file for divorce from a man who DID cheat on me, i'm of course going to say that no... i would never be with a cheater ever again. Of course, i'm probably quite biased, and unable to look at things objectively right now... so who knows.

Quote:
What I don't understand is that women don't seem to get mad at their SO's, but at the "other woman". Uh, not me. IF (it would never happen) my DH cheated with someone...why be mad at HER???? HE is the one in the relationship, not her. Ultimately SHE didn't MAKE him cheat. The fault ALL lies with him, I wouldn't hold her accountable in ANY way. I don't care if she pursued him or not. Any woman should feel free to pursue my husband. HE has self control and respect for me and our son. Should he decide to go outside of our marriage...it would be HIS ##### I kicked, not hers.[/b]

I agree with you up to a point. I don't think it's right to COMPLETELY blame the woman, and let your husband off the hook. But i do think it's fair to to be a little p.o.ed at her if she DID know he was married. In my case, this woman knew my husband was married, with a baby on the way... They were always talking about me, saying nasty things about me, saying how they hoped i would never find their e-mails and chat logs, etc... She was even asking him how *I* was, and how our son was when he was born! She was asking for pictures, and congratulating him on being a daddy! And yet at no point did she try and stop him, or question what he was doing. Instead, she saved up a bunch of money to come get him and take him away from us. Now sorry, but that just seems wrong to me... I'm still angry at my husband, and HE is the one who betrayed me. I wouldn't confront this woman or anything like that. But do i have happy bunny fluffy feelings for her? No way...

Quote:
I would marry someone that has cheated... YOU DON"T KNOW THE SITUATION they were in. She could have been a non sex giving, nagging hooch, who ran him in the dirt when he did all he could to please her.... See my point... granted he probably should not have cheated... but come on... women can drive men to cheat as well as a man can drive a woman to cheat...[/b]
I don't buy that one bit. I think it's rather hurtful actually, implying that someone who's been cheated on must have somehow deserved it. It doesn't matter HOW horrible a person is... if it's that bad, you LEAVE them, don't just go out and CHEAT.
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  #19  
May 12th, 2007, 04:53 PM
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I don't buy that one bit. I think it's rather hurtful actually, implying that someone who's been cheated on must have somehow deserved it. It doesn't matter HOW horrible a person is... if it's that bad, you LEAVE them, don't just go out and CHEAT. angry.gif[/b]
I didn't like that quote either. It takes away personal responsibility and we all have it.

Yes my EX was a financially abusive jerk but he didn't DRIVE me to cheating. I cheated because I was young, immature, scared and in a bad place. He did not drive me to anything, I done it because I was too chicken ##### to end it so I stupidly thought another man would whisk me of my feet and be my night in shining Armour I looked to someone else to take away my problems because I was immature and a coward. I am OK with that, I forgive myself. even though he too was cheating on me doesn't make what I done OK. I do not think it is as bad as cheating on someone who thinks you have a great marriage etc but it is still wrong. My EX was actually fine about it No one drives you to cheating. There are often underlying issues but the blame lays solely on the person who cheats.
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  #20  
May 12th, 2007, 05:25 PM
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I would never get involved emotionally (opposite sex) with someone that cheated. I defintely have a background with this so I am biased. I just think of my personal feelings and I would never cheat on my partner. I would divorce, split up, or be done with them before it came to that. Our split was never that emotional and he got involved with a coworker. I actually had second thoughts on my marriage ( 7 years) but I knew two babies where involved and I was willing to wait until they were out of high school to do anything about it.
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