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You can't help who you fall in love with...


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  #1  
May 13th, 2007, 12:37 PM
chloe82
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So WDYT???
i have seen this statement several times on here in the last few days and am just wondering what people's thoughts on that idea are.

I personally don't buy it. I think you absolutely CAN help who you fall in love with. For example, falling in love with a married man. If you know someone is married, and don't *want* to get involved with a married man, are you just helpless to the whims of your own feelings and taken for a ride into an affair? I don't think so....I think if I was against getting involved with a married man and I started to have even the smallest inkling of feelings towards him, I would BACK OFF....same goes for me as a wife....I can't just walk around through this world thinking, gee, I sure hope I don't just accidentally fall in love with some other man and end up screwing up my marriage as a result....I think it is a matter of self-control. If you start to have the smallest, tiniest little bit of feelings towards someone you know you do not want to get involved with, I think you definitely have the power to make that STOP...by backing off, cutting off contact, whatever....also by controlling your thoughts, not letting yourself get carried away with thoughts of that person, but forcing yourself to stop thinking of them in that way. I think when people say they fell in love with someone they didn't intend to fall in love with, and then did something they regretted as a result, it's pretty much a matter of lack of self-discipline...not stopping themselves when they had the chance.

What do you guys think???
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  #2  
May 13th, 2007, 01:10 PM
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Well I don't think you can help feeling attracted to someone, I think that is just chemistry but yes I do believe you CAN choose who you fall in love with.

When I met my DF I knew there was something there, I knew he was special and because he was available I was free to see him and those feelings got stronger and turned into love. If I knew he was in a relationship the initial attraction would have been there but cutting off all ties would stop love from happening. Love is partly a feeling and partly a choice.


I would not be friends with a married man in the first place (knowingly) because like I said in other threads it does have too much potential to get messy. However, if I did and I found myself having feelings for him as soon as they come more than friendship I would say Good bye.

I know life isn't black and white and feelings can be complicated so I can not judge people who do fall in love with a married person harshly, but yes, they could help falling in love with them. If they couldn't help falling in love with them they certainly have the choice to walk away from them.
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  #3  
May 13th, 2007, 01:24 PM
Gina1978's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Quote:
I personally don't buy it. I think you absolutely CAN help who you fall in love with. For example, falling in love with a married man. If you know someone is married, and don't *want* to get involved with a married man, are you just helpless to the whims of your own feelings and taken for a ride into an affair? I don't think so....I think if I was against getting involved with a married man and I started to have even the smallest inkling of feelings towards him, I would BACK OFF....same goes for me as a wife....I can't just walk around through this world thinking, gee, I sure hope I don't just accidentally fall in love with some other man and end up screwing up my marriage as a result....I think it is a matter of self-control. If you start to have the smallest, tiniest little bit of feelings towards someone you know you do not want to get involved with, I think you definitely have the power to make that STOP...by backing off, cutting off contact, whatever....also by controlling your thoughts, not letting yourself get carried away with thoughts of that person, but forcing yourself to stop thinking of them in that way. I think when people say they fell in love with someone they didn't intend to fall in love with, and then did something they regretted as a result, it's pretty much a matter of lack of self-discipline...not stopping themselves when they had the chance.[/b]
I couldent agree more.
I dont beleive in that saying either.I think you can totally control who you fall inlove with or not...its the falling out part that we have no control over
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  #4  
May 13th, 2007, 01:53 PM
SusieQ2's Avatar Jersey Girl
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I think it's one thing to have ideals about what you would and wouldn't do but something else entirely to actually be faced with a situation.

Within minutes of meeting my husband I was intrigued and kind of swept of my feet. There was just something about him that drew me in almost immediately. I'm not sure if I could have stopped myself from wanting to be with him, to find out more about him, to see where things would lead. I'm glad that I felt that way and never tried to fight it (not that I could have).
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  #5  
May 13th, 2007, 02:26 PM
TheOtherMichelle's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I think you can't always help how you feel but you have 100% control over your actions.
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  #6  
May 13th, 2007, 02:34 PM
*kyle*'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I think to really consider it "falling in love" with someone, there has to be some kind of development of the relationship that would mean, by definition, that you are putting time, effort, and feeling into that relationship. For instance, you don't see a man across the room and "fall in love." You don't have one or two conversations with someone and "fall in love." Lust, yes - infatuation, yes. And THEN you make the choices about how to interact with that person who's on your radar screen in a way that does or doesn't develop into a LOVE relationship.

Even if the person is a coworker, I still feel you have to make choices and conscious actions in order to get to that level... and you always have control over those actions.

So I agree it seems like just an excuse to me.
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  #7  
May 13th, 2007, 04:03 PM
Caeden'sMama's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Quote:
I think you can't always help how you feel but you have 100% control over your actions.[/b]
EXACTLY.
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  #8  
May 13th, 2007, 04:18 PM
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Quote:
I think you can't always help how you feel but you have 100% control over your actions.[/b]

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  #9  
May 13th, 2007, 05:24 PM
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I was thinking of this, also, and ITA with the above. Maybe you can't help who you feel attracted to, or who you care for, but you certainly CAN help who you pursue a relationship and commitment with.
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  #10  
May 13th, 2007, 05:37 PM
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Yes, I can. I don't believe in "falling in love" anyhow.
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  #11  
May 13th, 2007, 05:37 PM
EmilysMommy04's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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To say control actions is easier said then done. I believe you cant help who you love. The heart wants what the heart wants. You can go to sleep thinking about this person then let the moment slip you by and regret it. Im sorry but I dont believe you chose who you fall in love with. They could be a total jerk and women still love them and are in love with them because of the way they first were. You dont see someone and say hey im gonna fall in love with him. Its chemestry and it happens . You have no control. That is the beauty of falling in love the experience.
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  #12  
May 13th, 2007, 06:18 PM
*Aspen*
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I think you can't always help how you feel but you have 100% control over your actions.[/b]
I agree. I have a friend I grew up with....he eventually fell in love with me, but I only thought of him as a friend. I know now that if he were to come into my life I could possibly fall in love with him. So, I've never seen or spoken to him, therefore I've never fallen in love with him. I just know that possibility is there, but I will not allow for it to happen as I love my husband oh so dearly.

It's what you do with your actions that count.
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  #13  
May 14th, 2007, 06:39 AM
quietsong's Avatar Just Another Slacker Mom
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Quote:
I think you can't always help how you feel but you have 100% control over your actions.[/b]
I believe that a man and a woman can be friends - heck, I have male friends who are single, I'm married, and I see no problem with it. So I wouldn't say that, were I single, I wouldn't have married male friends either. It's about self control and self awareness. If you feel you ARE developing feelings for a married person (or if you are married and feel yourself developing feelings for someone other than your spouse), then it is time to break contact. But the feelings themselves can develop without your permission.
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  #14  
May 14th, 2007, 06:46 AM
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Quote:
I think you can't always help how you feel but you have 100% control over your actions.[/b]


I am woman enough to recongnize when feelings start to develop even in their infancy, and if it is a relationship that would end up hurting other people I nip it in the bud, even if that means cutting off contact with someone dear to me. I've done it before, and I would do it again if necessary. Acting on your feelings even if it means hurting someone, and claiming a lack of control as your reasoning shows immaturity and complete and utter selfishness.
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  #15  
May 14th, 2007, 07:23 AM
donomama
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Of course you can control who you fall in love with. What a ridiculous notion to think that we have no control over ourselves. It reminds me of the men that cheat and blame it on their penis and say they just couldn't help themselves. We're not wild animals ruled only by instict. We have choices. I don't think you can help attraction, but if that attraction starts to develop into something more and the situation is inappropriate, have the brains to get out of that situation. Someone who knowingly falls in love with someone already taken has no one to blame for the heartache but themselves.
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  #16  
May 14th, 2007, 08:19 AM
*Aspen*
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Of course you can control who you fall in love with. What a ridiculous notion to think that we have no control over ourselves. It reminds me of the men that cheat and blame it on their penis and say they just couldn't help themselves. We're not wild animals ruled only by instict. We have choices. I don't think you can help attraction, but if that attraction starts to develop into something more and the situation is inappropriate, have the brains to get out of that situation. Someone who knowingly falls in love with someone already taken has no one to blame for the heartache but themselves.[/b]
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  #17  
May 14th, 2007, 09:43 AM
quietsong's Avatar Just Another Slacker Mom
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Perhaps it would be better said you can't help who you START to fall in love with? And then, once it begins, you are entirely able to handle it appropriately from there?
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  #18  
May 14th, 2007, 10:34 AM
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I think we first need to decide if love is a feeling or an action (is it a noun or a verb). I think those who feel that love is a feeling will equate it to something that can be fallen in and out of, but those who feel love is a verb will see it as something that is expressed and reciprocated.

I personally see love as an action. It's completely separate from a feeling and when you base your actions solely on how you feel you're setting yourself up for failure later on. I love my family but they can say or do things that upset me that makes me not feel like for them. I love my DH very deeply but he's not always perfect and can say things that hurt my feelings. Love needs to stand the test of time and many people think love is a feeling and when their feelings change they think it's over. Love isn't something that can be left to it's own devises, it's organic and complex and something that needs to be worked on within the confines of a relationship. If it's taken for granted then it loses it's strength.

You can fall in "like" with somebody but not "love". You can feel an attraction for somebody but you have the ultimate decision if whether or not you will exercise control/restraint over your actions.
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  #19  
May 14th, 2007, 11:36 AM
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You absolutely CAN help who you fall in love with. I agree as in the case of a married man or say a drug addict or prison inmate or whatever, if you know it is not a good match. Don't even entertain it. Don't be with them, talk to them, etc. You CAN help who you fall in love with. However, attraction might be harder to control. Often you CAN be attracted to someone, but it doesn't mean you don't CHOOSE to fall in love with them. IMO this goes for gay people as well. I believe they can be attracted, but I also believe that being gay is wrong and you can choose not to fall in love.
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  #20  
May 14th, 2007, 01:24 PM
Mom2DavidandAaron's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I think you absolutely can help who you fall in love with and the people who use that line do it to justify being in a relationship with the wrong person. Of course you cannot control attraction but there's a huge difference between being attracted to someone and falling in love with them. And even if that attraction is confused with love, you can ALWAYS control your actions.
Now "falling in love" to me is pretty much meaningless. Sure, it's a nice feeling, but that doesn't translate in a long lasting relationship. To LOVE someone is completely different than falling in love. And that is something one can certainly work on.

Sharon
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