[CrystalAnne]

Hi My name is Crystal. I am mom to Gracie (5) and Jacob (3 wks) and wife to Gabe I haven't come to this board in the past, but I was lurking today and read the post by smileybrea and could identify with so much of what she was saying I had to join in!

My daughter Gracie is in a private school Kindergarten class. She is a June baby and won't be six til Kindergarten is over completely (put her in early vs late). The school she's in is FANTASTIC because my daughter is. . . .a handful to say the least!

The reason I love them so much is because they keep her in her age group and work individually with her on her lessons that are all far above kindergarten level. She is doing 3rd grade math, 5th grade reading/phonics etc. She's thrilled to be challenged but still has been causing trouble in her class on an almost daily basis!

I could pull my hair out! She will go to school all inspired to have a GREAT day with excellent behavior. Then, 3 hours later i'm on my way to the school to pick her up because they have decided her behavior is bad enough to send her home . She manipulates the other children, whispers to them ideas on how to misbehave (the teacher observes but doesn't always intervene). . .One day she had 4 of her classmates refuse to eat lunch, then at math time they all walked in a circle chanting "we want snack NOW". She yells at the other children, confides in me that they are "pretty dumb" even though I have done my best to teach her to be humble and treat other children with respect.

The basic gist of my rant here (apologies I'm just so frustrated!) is that her social skills are in the toilet, and her academic skills are well above average. How can I close this gap a little bit? She has been in playgroups and even daycare since she was about 8 months old. So she has always been around other children. She understands and communicates VERY well about what we expect of her, then goes to school and chooses to be a turd! Any ideas? She has improved since the birth of her brother (the anticipation I think was killing her) but still has some issues. . .

Sorry for such a loooong rant, but I don't know what to do with my little master manipulator/leader.

[BensMom]

WELCOME! I'm also a Chrystal.

How often is she able to have free playtime with older kids? You think her social skills are lacking, but many times gifted children don't relate well to children their own age because their social skills are actually more advanced. Crazy, I know! It's like the misdiagnosis of ADHD when it should've been just plain gifted. People think a child is acting out because they don't know how to behave with other children, when really they're acting out simply because they can, and because they crave attention. Getting a great academic challenge (which is hard to find, and I'm glad you have) is great, but teachers need to understand a child's longing to learn socialization with all ages. My son sometimes calls kids in his Sunday school class "babies" even though they're all generally his own age (the class is for 3-4-5, and he's 4).

[CrystalAnne]

Hmm. . .That seems so obvious I feel kindof silly for not thinking of it before, lol. Thanks very much for the info! She DOES do better around older children, especially 3rd-5th grade aged kids. I always attributed it to the fact that she spends a lot of time around adults and these kids are closer to that. . .But if I look at it the other way, that maybe her social skills are advanced, it also makes sense.

Thankfully next year Gracie will move up to the 1st-3rd grade classroom and will have older children in her class to interact with. Perhaps she will do better. God knows this year has been a constant battle.

Another thing I've noticed with Gracie is she doesn't really respond to age-appropriate discipline. . .Her behavior improved leaps and bounds when I started treating her as I would treat ad 8-9 year old child as far as expectations and types of consequences. . .It's definitely a challenge raising such a unique child. She is a gift and a miracle

Thanks again for your response, definitely food for thought.

[HS&Fsmom]

My kid's obviously not school-age- just shy of 2- but I am kind of worried about the same thing happening when he gets around other kids. He functions on a totally different level. I treat him like about a 4 year old, lately kind of as a 5-yr-old. He definitely plays better with kids in that age range than with kids his age.

My mom, a veteran teacher who is now his nanny, is "worried." She comes to me maybe once every couple of weeks thinking something's wrong. He is very intense, but working with kids myself, I know he is way above a 2-year-old level socially. I don't know how that is going to mesh with preschool/public school, whatever. I don't know if they will understand him, or work with him on his level instead of at the chronological age level. We definitely have had to treat him as older for a long while... I was just thinking it seems he should be turning 5 instead of 2 this birthday (or maybe that's just how long it feels like we've been dealing with him, haha).

You're not alone.

[shari626]

Hi Crystal and Welcome!! I don't really have anything more profound to add than what the others said. It sounds like they are on the right track with chronological age vs. social age. I hope that is the key to finding a good balance with raising a gifted child - I know it can be challenging.

[HS&Fsmom]

I was thinking of you and your daughter today! I was thinking of a few things that didn't come to mind my first post, that have worked with my son so far.

One is books. Don't know if she's into them, but I often use books with mine to explain situations. There are specific character ed books out there, that focus on one topic or another about social correctness. i.e.- Respect, following the rules, not yelling, etc... Hugo had a major issue with sharing the toys at the train table at Barnes and Noble, and we resolved (? improved maybe is a better word?) it with a book picturing a train table and a little girl nearby and we talked about the scenario. It wasn't even a special book, just a picture dictionary that happened to have that picture!

Which brings me to my other suggestion... role playing. My son is very dramatic and into imagining/acting out scenarios. So we have practiced setting up a situation and prompting him to say the appropriate thing. Like for his sharing issue, he knows instead of screaming and getting mad, we expect him to say: "When you are finished, can I play with it?" We give him appropriate lines to substitute for what he is doing inappropriately- then let him rehearse it whenever the topic comes up. He has imaginary friends so they are good for "helping" him with this too.

It's hard b/c it seems like I have a preschooler, not a toddler. But I just sort of pretend he is a preschooler and treat him that way and go on with my day. It's sort of weird, but the only way I can feel somewhat "normal."

[CrystalAnne]

Very good suggestions! Gracie absolutely loves books but when I've attempted role playing lately she sighs and tells me I'm trying to play a little kid game with her. *unamused* She has quite an attitude. It worked really well for awhile though. She is doing really well this week. She is occupying herself trying to help teach the younger children (they have multi-grade classrooms. . .hers is pre-K and Kindergarten) their sight words.

Maybe, since Gracie is accusing me of treating her like a "little kid" now, I could have her write a story with one example of the right choice and one example of the wrong choice, then have her tell me WHY each thing is either right or wrong. . .She loooooves to write stories in notebooks, she goes through them like crazy.

When she was first learning to write a found a little note tucked under her pillow that said "Dear God, I want a fish but mom says no." It still makes me chuckle a little.

[My2miracles]

I struggled with that with Lucy. It's gotten better now that she's in 2nd grade. Some of her classmates have almost caught up with her with communication skills so it's easier for her to relate.

I remember one incident with my neighbor. Her son is 1 year younger than Lucy and Lucy could never relate to him because he didn't talk at all until he turned 4. We were at another neighbor's party & Lucy (5 at the time) was playing with a 9 year old girl. My neighbor said "oh it's so good to see Lucy playing with another kid" I'm like ***???? She plays with other kids every day at daycare. I didn't say but thought - she just can't play with your kid lol.