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Beth's Journal


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  #1  
September 24th, 2008, 02:48 PM
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September 24, 2008

DH is safely at work so I can sit down and start this journal. He is great but he likes to read over my shoulder and it makes me a bit tense since sometimes I write something, then delete it and put something else onto the screen instead. Anyhow, AF is getting on my last nerve. Pre AF started when I began to spot last Friday after BD. Then there was nothing until Sunday morning, when she hit me full force. I have really heavy AF visits and it is sort of scary because I think of all the things that it could be and how it could be keeping me from conceiving. I wanted to cry because it made me feel like such a failure.

I guess I put a lot of pressure on myself because while we really want a precious blessing. There is a part of me that wonders if because I was so careful about not conceiving in my twenties when I was in a long term relationship that was abusive, my body is punishing me now that I want a baby with every fiber of my being. DH says that is silly but by the same token, he was in a relationship almost a decade ago where the woman got pregnant on three different occasions and terminated the pregnancies because she did not want to be a mother. He thinks that maybe he only had those three chances at fatherhood and now the problem is that he is being punished for not being able to keep her from terminating the pregnancies.

Anyhow, it seems that everyone has an opinion about having children and they are eager to share opinions with me. My boss told me that he had children before he turned 21 because his parents were too old (turns out they were in their late 30s) and he missed out as a child because he didn't have young parents. One of the girls I used to work with said that she started trying when she was sixteen because she wanted to have a baby before she was too old. She had her son Uriah in June at age eighteen. I personally think that I will make a great parent as a 37 year old because I feel younger than my years and I have life experiences that certainly won't make me any less capable to be a mom.

The comments that bother me most are the ones from DH's family. I might have mentioned that he has an identical twin in some of the message boards. Well, Matt (DH 's brother) has three children by three different women. He was not in a committed relationship with any of these women when he fathered the children. He considers his ability to procreate at will to be something to rub in our faces. He asked Saturday night if I was pregnant yet and when DH told him that I wasn't, he said "Gee, none of my baby's moms had any problem getting preggers. Of course, none of them were as old as Beth either." He also hinted that he and his current live in girlfriend (he goes from one live in relationship to another) might want a baby together. I might be horrid but I told DH that if that woman ends up pregnant, I am not sure what I will do or say to Matt.
DH's father (a jerk in his own right) called just after Matt and of course, DH shared this conversation with me too. Sometimes I wish we weren't so open about everything where Matt and Mark (the father) are concerned. FIL is just interested in why I am not working 24/7. I suppose working 40 hours a week just makes me a slacker. Did I mention DH and I have no real relationship with FIL??? Wonder why since he is such a ray of sunshine ( )
Anyhow, I should be saying goodbye to AF any day now and start the count towards O day.
Keep fingers crossed.

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  #2  
September 24th, 2008, 10:58 PM
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BethAnn, I'm sorry you're going thru this right now. Everybody seems to have their own opinions on conception and when it's right, but most people don't know everybody's picture and what issues there may be...........heck, we don't even know what our own issues and problems are when we can't seem to get pg. I know it's easier to say than do, and I have the same problem with not being able to do that, but we all need to just ignore what those people are saying. I'm still trying to come up with a great come-back to anybody that seems to know it all.....something like "you have no idea what kind of things we are going thru, so please keep your comments to yourself". I'd probably never have the guts to say that tho. I hope it gets better for you and you can rub a beautiful pregnancy in a wonderful relationship in their faces.
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  #3  
September 25th, 2008, 09:46 AM
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I'm so sorry you're having to go thru that. People don't think sometimes, and I don't think they realize how hurtful it is. Hang in there, and soon you'll have your own pregnancy news!!!
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  #4  
September 25th, 2008, 02:24 PM
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No BD today due to DH working a 12 hour shift, but hopefully tomorrow will be a good morning for some BMS. I would feel better about my chances of conceiving if I was positive about the date I ovulate. I guess I am going to have to run out and get a OPK. I haven't been out of the house all day so the sunshine would probably be good for me.
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  #5  
September 30th, 2008, 02:44 PM
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The past few days have been great. DH says that I am earning his nickname for me. He calls me a bouncy, bouncy Tigger (okay, so I think Tigger was a guy) which beats him calling me hyperactive. I just seem to have all this energy for some unexplained reason. I just hope that it is not a sign that I am getting some sort of season changing ick. Two of my girlfriends from home are expected to deliver any day now. One is going to name her DD Mathilda but the other one says she had two names picked out but is waiting to see her DD before she decides which name depending on which one 'fits' DD's personality. Speaking of names, DH has like five names (3 boys and 2 girls) picked out, although they will likely change once we conceive.
Anyhow, I am glad that JM is back up. I really needed to pour out my thoughts into this online journal.
Hope everyone's day is great.
BethAnn
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  #6  
October 1st, 2008, 08:59 PM
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Two days away from work and when I go back, I get a big dose of Stress. I come into work and my boss says, "We have to have Christmas on the shelves by next Friday." It was the last thing I needed to hear because it will fall near the end of the 2WW for me (if my calculations are correct) and I will be stressed enough about that without having work stress added to it. I spent the entire day trying to reorganize things, but felt as though I was rearranging the deck chairs on a sinking ship.
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  #7  
October 4th, 2008, 08:31 PM
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It has been a real up and down couple of days. DH's mother has asked both of us if I am pregnant. She wants a granddaughter so bad that it is not even funny. SIL asked DH if I was pregnant. I mean they knew we weren't doing anything to keep from conceiving, but I had not made any big deal about TTC. It does sort of put pressure on us.
Still keeping fingers crossed for BFP this month. We are testing on the 14th so then we should know.
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  #8  
October 7th, 2008, 05:12 PM
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I am trying to keep calm as each day passes. I want to believe that I am going to get the BFP, but I just can't. I keep thinking that if I prepare myself for the BFN then maybe it won't hurt so bad when AF makes her visit (the witch). DH keeps saying "you're pregnant" in that annoying singsong voice that he uses every month, but I will admit that this month I have had some unusual symptoms. My body is just doing strange things and as much as I would love to believe I am pregnant, I am just terrified to get my hopes up and then get them dashed. Oh well, I guess I will know on the 14th or soon thereafter.
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  #9  
October 8th, 2008, 06:09 PM
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I really should not spend so much time alone because I tend to brood. My mother called me from North Carolina today and told me that the room pet (Patches the guinea pig) in my sister's classroom of 4 year olds died. Upon the recommendation of another staff member my sister told the children that Patches went to visit another room because she did not want to say he was never coming back, but now the children will probably be looking for the guinea pig everywhere. Mom suggested that it would have been better to say that Patches wanted to be with his family so they let him go. Somehow the idea of going to see his family does sound better. Anyhow to the point of all this, I started thinking how would I explain death to my children. I mean MIL is in her 60s and is a cancer survivor (but can't do lots of things that other grandmas can) so it is likely that this will be an issue. The closer it comes to the testing date, the more I wonder how I will answer the hard questions.
I guess this is one that DH and I will hammer this one out when the time comes.
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  #10  
October 9th, 2008, 07:21 AM
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Hang in there, BethAnn. It's completely normal to be thinking about stuff like this. It crosses my mind too. My Mom isn't in the greatest of health and DH's Mom is a 2 time breast cancer survivor so she is watched very closely as well. Both of us lost our Dads around the same time so our children will not have any grandfathers. When my Dad passed, my brothers explained it to their children the best they could in the terms the children could understand. I'm sure you'll find what works best for you & your DH when it comes to these types of situations. Most importantly though, you are not alone in thinking about these things.
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  #11  
October 9th, 2008, 09:46 PM
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In preparation for next Tuesday (my BD, and our EPT D Day so to speak), I bought the pregnancy test. DH keeps saying "You're pregnant! I just know you are." I wish I could be as confident. I have thought about what it means to be a mommy and how much I want to make DH a daddy and to be honest, I don't know how I will react if I get a this month. I know I am so selfish but I can't help it. Oh well, stressing about it won't change the outcome. Guess I will just say "On to November" if the witch shows up or I get the next week.
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  #12  
October 10th, 2008, 06:14 AM
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Good luck, BethAnn! Tuesday's our 2nd Wedding Anniversary, so I really love that it's your planned day for testing!!!! I'm keeping all my crossables crossed for you!!!!

I can't remember if you chart or not, but if you do and want to share the link, we love to stalk each others charts here.
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  #13  
October 13th, 2008, 11:15 PM
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I just got a voice mail from my mom about my friend, Nicole. Nicole had problems conceiving and several miscarriages, but Monday evening, she gave birth to Miss Eden (10 lbs 2 oz and 20 in. long). I like to think that she was more than a week past her due date so send some New Mommy Magic my way as I prepare to test later today. I am so scared.
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  #14  
October 14th, 2008, 04:44 AM
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Good luck vibes coming your way today.....

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  #15  
October 14th, 2008, 06:47 AM
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Tested half an hour ago and got DH says "It's okay. It will happen in time." Not exactly what I am in the mood to hear right now. He wants children just as badly as I do, yet my body is the one that can't get a bean to stick. This is not exactly the birthday present I was wanting, but at least AF hasn't shown herself around yet so if she doesn't show by the end of the weekend, I will test again. . . oh, who am I kidding? I will test if she isn't here by Friday. I know that going to see a doctor won't do any good until we have been trying for at least six months because they will just blow us off with the whole "give it time" thing. Since patience is not exactly my strongest quality, having DH tell me "just be patient" is not very helpful. I love him but at times I just want to scream and cry and be completely irrational because I see babies and I wonder "Does God think I would be such a bad mommy that he won't let me have a baby?"
Since I have to work until 11 tonight, I guess I should get some sleep. The one good thing about working 2-11 pm is that the hours mesh with DH's so we actually get to spend time together.
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  #16  
October 14th, 2008, 08:15 AM
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I'm sorry about the BFN, but you're not out until AF arrives. Hopefully today was just too early, and you'll get that BFP soon!!!
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  #17  
October 14th, 2008, 09:53 PM
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This has been one of my more interesting birthdays to say the least. After last posting, I went to lunch with DH and then to work. There really should be a law against having McDonald's in Wal Mart stores. It is just too much temptation when I am stressed.
While we were in McDonald's, having salads, yogurt parfaits and light lemonades, I found myself watching the man getting fries to go for his little girl (she was maybe two years old) and I said to DH "I wonder if I will ever be able to see that with you being Daddy." He just reached over and wiped the tears away with his fingertips. He is such a sweetie when I am feeling all blah about not being pregnant yet.
When I was at dinner (I was good and ate a weight watchers entree) I got a call from Mom. She told me that Eden suffered some trauma during the birth process and she was not sure whether it was just her shoulders that had been dislocated or if one of her baby arms had been broken as well. The doctor told Nicole that she was too heavy to have a C section (remind me to find a doctor who is not plus sized phobic if I get a turn at being a mommy) so she had to deliver the regular way.
I was straightening up the garden department (I work in Halloween, Christmas and garden department. . . got to love my reality. lol) when a woman approached me looking for a blue pail, sort of like a sand bucket. She said she was doing a flower arrangement for the funeral of her cousin's seven week old son. I couldn't find what she was looking for but I just felt so horrible for her cousin and the entire family because they lost their little angel.
The final bit of unusualness (if that isn't a word, please forgive me) was when one of the other sales associates started talking to me about everyone thinking she was pregnant. She detailed the symptoms and they sounded strangely familiar, but of course, I am fully expecting mine to be just a cruel trick that my body is playing on my mind. I guess only time will tell whether today's test was correct or if God has smiled down on me and given me a little miracle to cherish.
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  #18  
October 19th, 2008, 05:42 PM
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AF is definitely here full force. I charted my temperature this morning and tried to put it into fertility friend, but I have no idea if I did it correctly or not. It is times like this when I wish I were more technologically adept.
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  #19  
October 20th, 2008, 06:38 AM
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I'm so sorry AF showed! That darn witch.

With FF, if we can assist in any way, let us know. There are several of us who use their online software.
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  #20  
October 21st, 2008, 06:50 PM
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Day 3 of charting and I am hoping that I finally able to get it to show in my posting. It was down Monday from Sunday and then up a tenth of a degree today, just in case the chart does not show. I am scared that I will discover that I am not ovulating or something because I just feel like there has to be something other than just not BD ing on the right days keeping Mike and I from having a baby. I would discuss this with my mom but she is all "I was through with childbirth by the time I was your age" as though I am two days away from the grave or something so you can see how talkiing with her would not be a good option for me.
Just keeping the faith and charting religiously.
Maybe I will have a July baby.
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