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My husband still acts like he's single


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  #1  
December 3rd, 2005, 05:12 PM
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Posts: 1
My DH and I have been married for over 2 years, and I am 25 weeks pregnant. We were not planning this pregnancy, but things happen. When I found out I was pregnant, I was very upset and feeling unsure and not ready, but my husband assured me he would be there for me and support me, he even told me he would give up alcohol with me. That lasted about one week. The first 3 months while I was at home feeling sick and puking, he was out with his friends a lot and, of course drinking. He does help out more with the housework, but I have to remind him over and over to do these things. Now that I am six months along, things still haven't changed and I am finally at my wits end. I tried to talk to him about it today, but I feel like we got nowhere on the subject. I asked him to limit his going out with friends to one night a week, and he thinks that request is absolutely ridiculous. He told me it's not his fault I can't go out and it's not his problem that I am tired all the time and don't want to stay out late. Before this pregnancy, we did go out with friends a lot, but I had no choice but to give most of that up. He doesn't understand that it's not fun for me to sit at a bar and watch him and a bunch of other people get drunk. Not to mention, unhealthy with all the smoke. He thinks I am overreacting, but I hate sitting at home wondering where he is and when he'll be home. I am afraid he won't change after the baby comes. What can I do to make him realize that I need him at home at least for emotional support?
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  #2  
December 4th, 2005, 08:58 AM
syncere
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Posts: n/a
Quote:
My DH and I have been married for over 2 years, and I am 25 weeks pregnant. We were not planning this pregnancy, but things happen. When I found out I was pregnant, I was very upset and feeling unsure and not ready, but my husband assured me he would be there for me and support me, he even told me he would give up alcohol with me. That lasted about one week. The first 3 months while I was at home feeling sick and puking, he was out with his friends a lot and, of course drinking. He does help out more with the housework, but I have to remind him over and over to do these things. Now that I am six months along, things still haven't changed and I am finally at my wits end. I tried to talk to him about it today, but I feel like we got nowhere on the subject. I asked him to limit his going out with friends to one night a week, and he thinks that request is absolutely ridiculous. He told me it's not his fault I can't go out and it's not his problem that I am tired all the time and don't want to stay out late. Before this pregnancy, we did go out with friends a lot, but I had no choice but to give most of that up. He doesn't understand that it's not fun for me to sit at a bar and watch him and a bunch of other people get drunk. Not to mention, unhealthy with all the smoke. He thinks I am overreacting, but I hate sitting at home wondering where he is and when he'll be home. I am afraid he won't change after the baby comes. What can I do to make him realize that I need him at home at least for emotional support?[/b]
Been there done that with my first husband.. He would go out 3-4 nights a week while I was pregnant and after I had the baby.. I told him it was getting out of hand and he needed to start staying home with me and the baby more.. He said well you didn't have a problem with it before... I said well I do now.. I'm not trying to tell you that you cant go out at all just cut it down.. Well I gave him 6 months warning.. Things did not change.. So I left him (my plan was just to teach him a lesson).. Well a month and a half later he was still trying to get me back.. I was going to move back in but, I found out he was sleeping with someone else too.. So there went that.. We got divorced and I now live in another state with my son remarried to a amazing guy who is in the military and I'm expecting my second in about a month.. So basically here is what I would do.. Tell him you are giving him a warning.. Either stuff changes or you will do it on your own without him.. It is time for him to grow up.. A baby comes and your life changes.. its life.. Either he can step up.. be a man or be a boy with no family.. This might be the reality check he needs to make him realize that you aren't playing around..
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  #3  
December 7th, 2005, 08:39 AM
bellebutton's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Omaha, NE
Posts: 1,112
Yep, welcome to the banwagon!!! MY BF is the same way. You either do something about it or grin and bare it. They are not going to change until they are ready (if they ever do) and please dont think that having a baby will change him, because it wont. I have told my BF that if he wants the bachelor life style then he needs not to have a family. Trust me its hard to deal with someone like that. Good luck and hang in there!!!
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  #4  
December 13th, 2005, 04:05 PM
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Posts: 6
Wow, sounds familiar! My husband wanted to have a baby very badly, but reality hit him hard. Starting when I was about six months pregnant, my husband started acting the same way -going out, acting like a teenager, etc. When our son was born, he continued on as though we didn't have a baby- coming home late without calling, out a lot, not getting up at night, never letting me sleep in, etc. My husband said the same thing to me - just because I didn't want to go out didn't mean he shouldn't get to go - he thought I should just leave the baby with his mom every weekend and go out, which just isn't for me. Maybe your husband is freaking out at the thought of being a dad, not that it is any excuse to act the way he is acting, but maybe he thinks he has to get all his partying in now, though my husband got worse after our son was born. Now, with us considering having a second, my husband admits he was scared and overwhelmed. I had tons of experience with babies and kids (I was a nanny for four years after college) and he had never even held a baby. I will tell you that as long as you are sitting there waiting for him when he does come home, he will not think there is anything wrong with it - you are still there no matter how he acts or what he does. And when you have the baby, it gets harder and harder to do anything about it. It has taken me a long time to get over how my husband acted when our son was born, and though I want a second baby, am scared to death he will freak out again. Hang in there - keep coming here to vent - I went through EXACTLY what you are going through and it at least helps to have someone to vent to!
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  #5  
December 14th, 2005, 05:31 PM
in_mommy's Avatar I am just me
Join Date: Mar 2004
Posts: 14,872
Preggo11
How are things going now?? Have you guys sat down and talked?
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  #6  
December 14th, 2005, 05:47 PM
Super Mommy
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Half Moon Bay, CA
Posts: 670
Unfortunately there's nothing you can do. He's either going to be one of those dads that dramatically changes his act after the baby comes or stays the same. Hopefully he's a hands on father like he needs to be and to be so he'll need to stop all the frat boy crap!
Does sound like you guys need to go to some counseling though b4 baby comes to work out these issues. Though he does sound like one of those typical males who will feel less of a man to seek assistance outside the home and when you're dealing w/ those types it's very frustrating cause it's like if he really cares then he'll go and it shoudl be that simple for for typical men types it is not . Hopefully he'll care enough to change on his own. Just remember pushing the subject is going to make him defensive. Let him know what you need from him as opposed to telling him he can't be doing certain things and just hope he changes and if not soon then after baby is born.
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  #7  
December 15th, 2005, 07:18 AM
bellebutton's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Omaha, NE
Posts: 1,112
Saying that there is NOTHING she can do is wrong. There is something you can do. You can stay or you can go. The ball will always be in your court. You dont need a man to help you. Now these day women do it all by themselves everyday. You need to be strong for you and your baby and do what is right for them. He will be the only one missing out!!!!! But you can do something about it!!!!! Good luck!!
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  #8  
December 15th, 2005, 09:51 AM
Lynettesmommy's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Well IMO you need to freak out. I had to like 2 times and that was it. I screamed I cried and told him I didnt feel that he was ready to be a father and he actually thought about what he was oding and we sat down and talked a few days later and in my case he actually changed. Try freaking out do something you normally dont do, he might open his eyes.
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  #9  
December 15th, 2005, 11:18 AM
bellebutton's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Omaha, NE
Posts: 1,112
Sometimes you have to be more mature than freaking out. The last thing a guy wants is a woman to freak out. In most cases it drives them further away. If it doesnt work out then it is better to concentrate on the baby and other kids!!
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