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I Don't Know What To Do Now........


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  #1  
July 3rd, 2008, 08:34 PM
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Houston, Texas
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Ok, new here and really just needed somewhere to go because I feel like I have run out of advice and options......My main problem is that I have reached the end of my rope with this girl who is my hubby's so called best friend. I would go into the whole history of the crapola that she has done but that would take a novel!!!!!!!! But in a few words she is trash. Sleeps with people for money, two babies by two daddies, just divorced her husband and is VERY inapropriate with my husband.....After two years of putting up with her and spending all this time telling everyone who has commented about the inapropriate behavior on her part that he is just trying to be a good friend and she is taking advantage of him.....I found out a couple weeks ago that he has been just as inapropriate with her....he has done nothing to discourage her behavior and im tired of her being in our financial business and in our personal business and she also tries to tell me how to take care of my baby!!!!! OMG!!!!!!!! I saw a couple of text messages he sent her last month and word for word this is what they said........"I have the sexiest girl ever and for anyone to turn me on she would have to be comparable to you." and " you made me picky when i fell in love with you"......those were the big ones amidst the texts saying he misses her and talking about money issues and making plans to do stuff together (like see a movie or get breakfast).....I confronted him about it and he said i was overreacting and that it was just a joke between friends......I told him that was not something you say as a joke.....and it isnt funny....and asked him to explain the joke but he said no...he didnt have to explain it to me.....which means he has no explenation that is reasonable. Anywho after a big fight...i told him that to fix this marriage i need two things from him.....1) we go to marriage counseling or get some kind of help....and 2) he remove her from his life completely.....after 2 years of me asking him to change his relationship with her and him saying ok and then not doing a thing to change it......im tired of asking him to do something he shouldnt have had to do in the first place. He said no to both things..........I know i have things i have to work on......and I have been trying for the past few weeks to show him i am willing to work on them.......so yesterday....a few weeks after the big argument and me telling him what i need from him.....hes been acting like nothing is wrong.....while ive been keeping my mouth shut and giving him time to think about things and sort them out emotionally.......he wanted to know why i was upset and i said it was because of all this.....he said he thought we were past all that!!!!!!!!!!! I said no we arent because nothing has been resolved.......what did i ask you for??? he said fine make an appointment for marriage counceling and i changed the way i talk to her. told him that wasnt what i asked him to do....and he said he wasnt going to remove her from his life......he expects me to work my butt off trying to make him happy and give him what he wants.....and then thinks that everything is fine as long as im doing my wifely duties like cooking and cleaning and laundry AND taking 24 hour care of our 9 month old son (and by the way ive worked really hard taking care of him so that my husband doesnt have to do much other than play with him and have fun.) I told him that there is more to being a husband than just working to support us.....which is what he thinks gives him a free pass to Keiths Way City........its the anual fourth of july campout this weekend at his parents property up in the country....im going up friday for the day with our son so the family can see him and what not.....he is already up there staying tonight, friday saturday and coming home sunday.....and do you know that she is already up there with him????? that just makes my blood boil.....i asked if she was going to be there and he said yes......i told him the only reason im going to be there with her there is because our son deserves to see family.....i told him i wouldnt be nice to her anymore....and he had the nerve to tell me not to be rude to her??!!!!!! Talk about insulting?????? anyways there is a lot more detail and issues and what not but im at the point were she is coming between us....whether he wants to see/admit that or not......and him not making the decision to remove her from his life( and esentially OUR life) is putting me in the position to make my own decision.....and im just not sure what that is yet..........PLEASE HELP ME......i am just about to go crazzy and im tired of wasting my time with anxiety and stress because of trash like her.......i cry all the time and its about all i can do to get thru the day. he doesnt communicate with me i dont get any sort of anything from him anymore....its like he spends all his time and energy on her.....and im just the woman who lives in his house and does his laundry and provides him with food and takes care of his son.........help (and sorry for the rant....but it is the venting room right????)
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  #2  
July 3rd, 2008, 11:32 PM
LadyGamer's Avatar Objection!!!
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Toronto, ON
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sounds like your husband is pretty trashy as well. just reading it made me furious with him. how dare he disrespect you like that. i do believe you have no right to tell him who he can and cannot be friends with (a line my husband and i have specifically drawn in our relationship), but you deserve to have someone who is going to listen and take your concerns and feelings to heart while working with you to try and make things work on both fronts.

i don't really know what to tell you hun, other than do what is best for you and your son. you don't deserve to put up with that, especially when the person is not willing to work with you to make things right.

i am going through a similar situation just no where near as bad. my husband has a best friend (who happens to be the ex who dumped him right before we got together) who i tried so hard to get along with, but it did not work out. well, recently she pushed me to the breaking point and i had the discussion with my husband and now we are working together to sort this out. he is cutting out most contact with her, other than the occasional chat online or email, which at any time, if i ask to read, i may. i was lucky that my husband and his friend kept things strictly platonic the whole time... she's just a really cold-blooded person, which is where our problems arose.

well, hun. i know i'm not much help, but i really think you can be strong and get through this.
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  #3  
July 4th, 2008, 11:56 AM
in_mommy's Avatar I am just me
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I think if it were me, while he was out camping, I would be packing up all of his stuff and telling him he better choose between his wife and family or the trashy girl. I think you have put up with his crap for more than long enough especially since you asked him more than once to cut her out of his life. What he is doing is so inappropriate and disrespectful to both you and your son.
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  #4  
July 4th, 2008, 12:29 PM
Chunky Monkey's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I am just trying to fathom the idea of why she is there at the campsite with him and his family and they allow it to happen. SOME of my in-laws don't like me but I can guarantee if my DH brought another woman somewhere other than his wife without MY permission, they would have something to say about that!

I agree that though it is disturbing, you can't control his life and who he talks to. But he needs to take your feelings into consideration in this whole thing and maybe limit how often, the content of the conversations, etc.

We had a similar situation a couple of years ago where DH had a co-worker who told me to my face that she was going to take my DH and kids away from me because she wanted them for herself. I told DH about it and at first he didn't believe me....till she started stalking him everywhere he went. But until then he told me I couldn't tell him not to be friends with her and I pretty much gave him the silent treatment.

I hope it works out for you!

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  #5  
July 4th, 2008, 02:56 PM
herewegoagain's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I would pack his crap up and boot him out. You do not need this. Sorry you are going thru this but he is not going to change.
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  #6  
July 5th, 2008, 01:30 PM
Kalia20's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Location: ontario canada
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Ouch I had similar issues with a chick (shes moved hours away thankfully) but not nearly as bad. She calls here sometimes and the phone line mysteriously goes dead and he never gets the message.....opps. I wont get into that.

Anyways, I dont know how you put up with it. While I do believe there is absolutely nothing wrong with being friends with the opposite sex, me and boyfriend both have friends of the opposite sex, I do believe there is a line to behaviour.

Honestly I would give him divorce papers. Tell him things change or these are going to be made final. Change, they will be torn up. I know if it were me, and he DID change, it would take a LONG time to prove it. Put a scare into him. If that doesnt work, then he doesnt deserve you. No man is worth the pain and anguish. Sounds like he wants his cake and eat it too
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  #7  
July 5th, 2008, 01:45 PM
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Wow, that is incredibly low and trashy of HIM.
Forget this other woman, if your husband wasn't being scummy, that he would definatly not encourage this behavior!

I don't believe in telling people who they can and can't be friends with, but I make an exception in this situation.
If someone is causing that many problems in a relationship, the said spouse should cut off all contact with them.

You defiantly don't deserve this from your husband. You seem to love your husband a lot and want to try to work things out, but he obviously doesn't respect you enough to even REALIZE it. You either need to kick him out or pack up your things and LEAVE.

I hope everything works out.
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  #8  
July 7th, 2008, 05:50 AM
dragonfly13
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Quote:
Sounds like he wants his cake and eat it too [/b]
Exactly!

You shouldn't have to put with that. It is completely disrespectful and he knows how much it hurts you yet he acts as if he doesn't care. I think that you have tolerated wayyyy more than you should and I think you did the right thing in suggesting counseling and I know that you are willing to fix the problems in your marriage, but he has to be willing to do so also and it doesn't sound like he is. It takes both of you to save your marriage.

He needs to make a decision...this trashy girl or your marriage, and if he isn't willing to make the decision (or makes the wrong one), then you need to make a decision...whether you're going to keep enduring this treatment from him or you're going to stand up for yourself and realize that you deserve better.

I know this cannot be easy for you and my heart goes out to you, but the things he has done is really a slap in the face to you as his wife and mother of his child! You should be his best friend!
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  #9  
July 7th, 2008, 04:42 PM
greenjeans's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Location: Galveston, TX
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If that had been my DH I would have packed his stuff and brought it to his parent's with me so he can easily move into their house with them after the weekend.
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  #10  
July 8th, 2008, 03:11 PM
in_mommy's Avatar I am just me
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How are things going now??
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  #11  
July 8th, 2008, 06:23 PM
rosehip's Avatar Super Mommy
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Location: California
Posts: 987
Oh man, I had a similar problem, but this girl was my DH's ex of 7 years! She's like some kind of animal that had her claws in his back and he didn't even know it! Why are guys so clueless?! It was a big deal at the beginning of the relationship, but once he realized how much her presence hurt me, he cut her out of his life immediately.

I basically told him that if he talks to her, I don't want to see it. If he hangs out with her, even in big groups, I won't show up, and I don't want to know about it. He saw me crying all the time even when he'd do little things like talk to her on the phone for an hour (!). It was ridiculous. But this girl sounds waaaay worse! I'm with the others in that I'd tell him straight, and give him an ultimatum. After all, how would HE feel if some guy was sending you text messages that said things like that? He'd probably punch the guy in the face! Men can be such hypocrits.
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  #12  
July 10th, 2008, 01:11 PM
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I kinda had the same problem, I confronted the girl myself. I was quite rude and straightforward and she stopped calling after that.

Crack the whip. Didn't your mother ever teach you how to bring a man to heel?

*grins*

I am sure you can think of someway of straightening him out. If you can't....then he doesn't respect you enough to be his wife.
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  #13  
July 12th, 2008, 07:48 AM
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Location: NE Arkansas
Posts: 5,190
Hey Sweetie!!!
I have to agree with the other ladies on this.. It is VERY trashy what they are both doing.. Also on the text message I would have hit the roof. More than likely thrown the phone at my DH.. lol.. And the camping.. OHHH HELL NO! He would NOT have a home to come back to after that trip... Would have packed his crap that day and took it up to him. Maybe make a bonfire and then had some s'mores...(ok yeah I'm a bit bloodthirsty on stuff like this.. Sorry hun) Then he would also have to protect this "girl" from me.. Coz I would be going after her also.. After I smacked him a few for not being as smart as I originally thought. (UMMM in the X-spot, if u know what I mean)

He is taking advantage of you sweetie.. He KNOWS how much you love him and want to make it work... He also feels that you will NOT really say anything and keep on taking the crap that he is dishing out to you.... That you WILL NOT really stand up to him about her..That you might say a lil bit about it, but not really get into a big fight over her, or that u will back down. HE IS A BULLY!!! And he is also mentally and emotionally abusing you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That is just something that I think. I really hope that I have NOT offended you. I am sorry if I have.

My DH was flirting with a distant cousin of mine.. He did not know that we were related.. LOL... well the story came back to me.. From MY mother no less after her wedding.. A friend of Mom's was there and seen how he acted and how she acted and my cousin said something like what is he doing here?? and was told that he was married to me.. and she freaked.. So after I found out I went up to DH work place and confronted him about it.. Told him that she was my cousin and IF there was flirting going on.. it better stop and it better stop NOW! Btw.. (I was 6 months pregnant with my middle daughter) He could tell by the tone of my voice that I was very angry.. (when I am my voice starts lowering, instead of me yelling.. lol) I could also tell that it was true by his reaction.. And as far as I know he hasn't had any contact since.

I KNOW that you can do whatever you decide to do hun.. You are the one thats married to him.. Not the other girl.. Im sorry that this was so long.. I hope things work out for you.. GOOD LUCK sweetie!!!!


Blessings,
Jen
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