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For those of you who read the TTC boards, you know about my post there ...
I am NOT stressing about having kids. Yes, I really want to be pregnant. No doubt about that. DH wants another baby too, but he doesn't talk about it. He doesn't get excited when I am one day late. If he does, he doesn't show it. He says that he will be excited when we get a verification from a doctor. "Until then, one of has to be sane." I am not like "I have to be pregnant or else" ... it's not like that. It's just I have my heart set on a big family, and I have absolutely no control over anything.
I am just very upset about having every symptom, being late, getting faint positives and then getting slammed this morning with a 5th BFN and AF. Those of you who are TTC (or ever have been) or have had a miscarriage know what it's like. It's not stress or worry ... it's desire. Does that make sense?
I am 20 and I've been pregnant 4 times ... once in high school (it was a chemical miscarriage at 17), then Danny, and then another c/m/c in April, and now this. It's just so wrong and it hurts so much.
I don't want to be told to relax and just wait it out. "Calm down, it will happen" is the last thing I ever would want to hear. I am just so upset right now, moreso because I really was excited and thought instead of posting something sad, I thought I'd be making my grand announcement that yes, I am pregnant. But no. It's just me again, little old me, I've had another miscarriage and well, I guess it's off to try again this month. Except now ... right this minute I could never have sex again and not care. To know I'm just going to get hurt again over and over makes me want to just never have kids again, or even try. Just stick with one. He's happy, he's healthy and he's already here.
I am not the type of person who can just not think about things. I am constantly thinking about things. Stuff that happened 10 years ago I still think about. Why? Because I'm a thinker! I have always been this way, and I always will be. I won't change, I can't change. So telling me not "to think about it" is a moot point because it's physically impossible for me.
I feel absolutely sick to my stomach right now. I haven't been eating well the last couple of weeks, I haven't been sleeping either. I tossed and turned all night last night. DH fell asleep within 10 minutes ... I waited for over an hour, and then Danny woke up. And then I'd fall asleep for 20 - 30 minutes and then I'd wake up. Over and over and over. Until finally at 5:30 this morning I just woke up and ... well.
And now, let's add insult to injury!
One of my closest friends calls me last night. Says her husband of nearly 20 years has left her and wants to separate. She's the one who lost her baby last week while on vacation in Hawaii. He just up and left her (we suspect he's been cheating .. it's a really long story). She called me last night so upset and angry. How could any man do that, I'll never know. Especially right after losing a baby. He told her she's made him miserable since the day they met. Told her she's vicious and vindictive (not an ounce of truth in that). Amazingly, and this is quite a coincidence .... he left her within hours of her sending an email to the woman we suspect he's been cheating with ... to the woman's boss to let her know that she's been using the company cell phone for phone sex ... and that she's having raunchy conversations on AOL while at work (complete with copies of emails and IMs) ... Coincidence? I think not ...
Thanks for letting me vent. I hope this doesn't offend anyone ... no one needs to respond, I just needed to let this all out before I imploded.
Lot of hugs coming your way Ashley. I am sorry about your friend and also about your TTC and being disappointed. I've been there and I just SO understand. DH and I also considered having a big family, but in order for me to get pg, I have to go through IUI, and it is just too expensive. Also, I am at risk for serious pg complications, and other development issues run in our family, so we decided to stop at 2. Sending lots of luck, wishes and baby dust your way, hon.
When my daughter was three, we decided to try for another. I went off birth control in June 1991 and expected to be pregnant immediately since I didn't have any trouble the first time. Nothing. By January 1992 we just figured that it wasn't going to happen and we'd just be a one kid family. I made a GYN appointment for March to go back on birth control, and in February '92 I got pregnant. We call our son the one who almost wasn't.
I understand how frustrating it is to not concieve when there is really no reason why it shouldn't be happening. The only thing I could figure is that I had put so much pressure on myself to concieve, and was disappointed month after month. So when I just gave up and resigned myself to the fact that I might not ever have another child - boom, it happened. I was really shocked. I just figured that whatever was meant to be, would be.
Good luck in your quest for another little one. :hug2:
I am so sorry for all that you have been going through. My aunt tried for years to get pregnant, and had many miscarriages. I know about the pain she went through, but I would never say that I understand that pain. Even though I had one miscarriage, which was horrible, I was pretty lucky in conceiving shortly after. I would never pretend to know your pain or to tell you what you should do. You're right about that....people telling you just to forget it. I got that a lot after my miscarriage. I'm like you. I dwell on things, things from the past, things that may or may not happen. I really hope that good things happen for you soon. It must feel like the whole world is out to get you. I will be praying for you, and again, I am so sorry. :hug2:
__________________ wife to my wonderful husband David since 6/29/02 and mommy to Isabel Jacqueline born 12/31/04