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  #1  
January 15th, 2006, 04:52 PM
Regular
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 3
Hello! First of all thank you for reading this. I am having extremely mixed feelings and don't know what to do.

Dh and I have been married 2 years and are thinking of starting TTC this year. I just recently got in touch with a man from my past. We haven't spoken in 5 years. He has brought back a lot of feelings I thought were gone.

Part of my confusion is I have started thinking about why I married Dh. I mean I love him with everything I have and he's my best friend, but I start wondering if I settled. I love him, but so many of those feelings are just not there. I am not necessarily saying I want to be with this other man, but more the idea of this other man.

I don't want to hurt DH and when I think about it, I can't imagine being without him. But part of me can. Have you ever been in this situation? I posted this on another forum I belong too and was eaten alive for contacting this other man. We have just been emailing today, but it makes me realize how much I miss him.

Are these feelings just me being dramatic? HELP!
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  #2  
January 15th, 2006, 07:45 PM
mrobinson
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Posts: n/a
The loss of any relationship will always be there... it's how you choose to deal with it that you have control over. You and him were over for a reason. It's easy to have fairy tale endings in your head about what might have been... so.... You married your DH and that commitment can be as strong as you want it to be. Life isn't a Disney movie with a happy ending... marriage and life are work. Holding off on TTC is likely the best until you work out what's going on internally... It's up to you if you really want to work on a marriage but I beg of you not to bring a child into a world that may not include it's father in the near future... I hope I have offended you and I hope you make peace with your decisions soon...
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  #3  
January 16th, 2006, 03:02 AM
Regular
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 3
Quote:
The loss of any relationship will always be there... it's how you choose to deal with it that you have control over. You and him were over for a reason. It's easy to have fairy tale endings in your head about what might have been... so.... You married your DH and that commitment can be as strong as you want it to be. Life isn't a Disney movie with a happy ending... marriage and life are work. Holding off on TTC is likely the best until you work out what's going on internally... It's up to you if you really want to work on a marriage but I beg of you not to bring a child into a world that may not include it's father in the near future... I hope I have offended you and I hope you make peace with your decisions soon...[/b]
Thank you for your outlook. No, I realize that it isn't rigth to bring a baby in this world if I am not sure. I didn't sleep at all last night, maybe 3 hours or so. I can't stop thinking about why Dh and I are together. When it comes down to it, I realize it has nothing to do with (or without) this other person. But I question why I contacted them in the first place.

I love Dh, but this is definitely not how I thought my life would turn out. I love him, but I don't know if I was every IN love with him. It seems more like a great roommate situation. I feel like we married because we were together and I wanted to be a wife and start a family. I am not sure it ever had anything to do with him. I am going to talk with my mother this morning. I know this is a very big decision and I appreciate any and all advice.

I know marriage isn't perfect, but I also feel like I shouldn't have to settle. And if I am not in love, or have never been with DH, and we are headed down two different roads, maybe it's time to move on. He has never been crazy about having a baby yet, and I guess that should have been my first clue. I just feel so sick about this because if I do decide to leave, I know he will be shocked and crushed.
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  #4  
January 16th, 2006, 10:09 AM
Momo's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Washington
Posts: 8,736
I'm sorry you are going through this. I just want you to know that it is a common feeling after you get through the "honeymoon" phase in a relationship.
You may be seeking a feeling so you may seek other people hoping to get that feeling again. I just don't want you to get down the road and have the same thing happen. When you are with someone for a while the feelings of love change from an exciting rush to a comfortable familiarity. Love takes work, it's more than feelings. It's a verb that requires committment through the dry spells when you don't feel particularly loving.
I've had moments like that with my dh but I work through them with him and things are usually better after than they were before.
You have a close relationship with your husband that perhaps you could not have with anyone else. It's deeper than you probably had with any old loves. I know mine is.
I am just afraid that many people these days see divorce as the answer to losing those fluttery feelings of love. That just isn't what true love is, true love is hard work! But it is sooo worth it.
Know that I'm not judging or condemning you, I just want you to consider your emotions right now before making any decisions that will affect you for the rest of your life.
Sending prayers your way!
__________________
~Sara~



Clara's here! 5/13/11

I love my two handsome boys!!!
Jetty - 8/06
Jude - 9/08


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  #5  
January 16th, 2006, 01:24 PM
mrobinson
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Posts: n/a
with Sara on this one!

Again, I hope you find peace with this soon... how are you feeling today about it?
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  #6  
January 16th, 2006, 02:02 PM
Regular
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 3
Quote:
with Sara on this one!

Again, I hope you find peace with this soon... how are you feeling today about it?[/b]
Thank you both for your kind words. Here is my updated.

I talked with my mom this morning, after a very long night of no sleep. I realized that I am not sure about our realationship. A lot of it seems to be based on convienience. I talked with DH and he is very upset. We are having problems communicating as he sees this as he must have done something wrong. I keep telling him that I love him, but am not sure if I ever had those feelings. I need to sort through them. I have agreed to go to marriage counseling but told Dh this might not be a fixable problem.

As far as the other "man", I very quickly realized that he has nothing to do with this. Although he has just recently gone through a divorce and is being very supportive. He also told me that if at any time our emails get in the way of Dh and I's counseling, he would be gone in a heartbeat.

I am still very confused. Part of me is ready to walk away. I know how I am feeling. The other part of me feels awful for doing this to DH and is willing to give it a try. This is so hard and our relationship is very akward right now.

Thank you again for your advice and kind words.
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  #7  
January 16th, 2006, 05:21 PM
in_mommy's Avatar I am just me
Join Date: Mar 2004
Posts: 14,873
I think that I have to agree with the others gals on this. I also think that your emails with this other guy needs to end NOW before they do become an issue. I think emailing this guy is just adding unecessary grief to your plate that you dont need. He may be supportive right now, but think of how your DH would feel if he knew what you were doing. What could be innocent now may turn into something later. If you are serious about trying to make things work with your DH, then you dont need other men talking to you. Make sure that you stay on some sort of BC while you are sorting this out. I hope the best for you. Keep us updated on how things are!!

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