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I seriously hate life right now, I know it sounds extreme but in many ways I do, I guess you could say Im feeling sorry for my self.
Me & DF have just ended it, well he hasnt said its over for good but we both know it is.
Weve never had a stable relationship, I fell pregnant with DS after 2 weeks of being with / meeting him.
In the first year alone my nan passed & he chose that weekend to get very very friendly with his ex, then lied to me about something simple (she tried to kiss him) for 6 months & wonders why I doubt if he can lie over something small like that, then I have doubts about what else he could lie to me about.
Not long before we fell pregnant this time he decided after not using any protection that he wasnt sure if he was ready for another kid & wanted a weekend where we were still together just apart to clear his head, expect he came back from his 'mates' with text messages from other girls all with 'love you' & 'xxx' in. Which put more doubts in my head.
I was sexualy abused as a child so my trust in men has never been high.
His mother has messed up my bond with Logan right from the start so I still feel like a complete failure as a mum, DF aint much help when it comes to DS he'd rather be on the Play station...
Well these last couple of weeks its been getting worse, Ive tried to talk but he wont put any effort in or completely ignores me.
Today was the finaly straw when he walked past Logan trying to put his hand on the cooker just to get his stupid remote control car of my brother. I snapped & told him that if he wasnt ever going to change to just go.
He's told over the last couple of weeks that were both only in this relationship 90% for DS & this baby, & like I told him today I dont think I can stay in a relationship where he can be controling, violent, non-help & non-loving all for 10% specialy not when he keeps going out in the car for hours at end without telling us where he's to all because he gets slightly annoyed (doesnt help with the doubts)
Well he's walked out, disappeared to his 'mates' where he got all those texts from last time. He refused to come see Logan & say good night to him, or even ring him.
I really feel like such a failure at the moment, it sounds horrible but I hate being around DS cause I just cant seem to do anything right for this family, Ive tried commiting suicide god knows how many times since I was pregnant with him & I can feel my self wanting to again now. It sounds horrible but part of me feels like I dont want this baby any more, I can just about manage with DS at times how Im going to manage with another I dont know. I can have an abortion in the UK up til 24 weeks pregnant, I dont know if I can go through with it but I feel so helpless that I dont know what to do...
Sorry I shouldnt be telling you all this, I just need someone to share it all with, Im meant to be the strong one who doesnt show emotions in my family...
I am very sorry to hear that anyone is struggling like this. While I have no advice nor answers for you, please try to take deep breaths and look for better options. It seems to me, a person far away and who knows nothing about you or yours, that you might just be better off without your guy. It is not easy to be on your own especially as a single mother but you can do it. Many of us have. And most especially, thinking of suicide, call someone such as a help line. I would never choose that as an answer. First, suicide is a drastic permanent solution to what are usually temporary problems even when life seems overwhelming. Second, I lived through a suicide and it has so affected my whole life even though the person meant it for the best. Right now, you might think no one cares but that just is not so. If none in your present life do, there will be a somebody in your future. That was so for me and I am sure that would also happen for you. I am not sure being the strong one is all it is cracked up to be but be strong just now and give time a chance. All my best to you.
I am sorry to hear that things have ended with you DF. It sounds like though it is for the best if he is violent towards you. I dont think that is any sort of environment that you want your children growing up seeing. I know its tough and will be hard at first, but you can make it. Sounds like you have been on your own basically anyway taking care of you DS. He is not worth hurting yourself over though. Call someone or a help line. Be strong!! You CAN do it and make it!!!! (((HUGS)))
Sounds like you need to find a way out, and have to deal with yourself.
perhaps counsiling or a support group would be beneficial. is there anyone you can leave your son with while you work on yourself? even just for an hour or so while you seek counsiling?
something isnt right, and you need to take care of yourself #1. once your a healthy mama, you'll realise your a fanatsic mommy and will feel so much better about raising your baby(s)
talking to your doctor is a good first step. he/she can referal you to therapy, counsiling, support groups in your area
*hugs* you can get through this