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  #1  
May 7th, 2009, 11:01 AM
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Location: Broken Arrow, OK
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DH and I have been married about 2 1/2 years. We only dated a few months before we got married (bad idea...i know) Lately I have been seeing how different we are and how different our views are on the future. When we got together I knew he wanted to move down to his land ( 2 hours away)...its not his yet. It is is fathers but when his father passes, it will be his. That was fine with me. I have no problems with country life. But what I didnt know is what a big momma's boy he is and I had know idea he would want his mother living so close to us. His parents are married, but live in separate towns...know clue why, weird....I can not stand the women. It was not that bad when we were dating but when we got married it got so much worse. He will ask me a question and then call his mother and ask her the same question and do what ever she says. It is aggrevating. We have nothing in common whatsoever. I though we did, but I guess not. He is to focused on his dang farm to care about doing anything else. He goes down there (2 hrs away) almost every week. He sometimes takes our son with him, but I hate the kids going down there becuase it is so nasty in her house. She keeps like 5 dogs in the house plus litterss of puppies ( she breeds dogs...but dont even get me started on that, besides the fact that my DH was spending about 200 or more a month on dog food before he got layed off.)It always smells like dog crap in the house. It is just nasty. I have told him many times I dont like the kids going down there and he tells me too bad. Don't get me wrong, he can be a wonderful husband and he is a great father. I just feel like we arent connecting anymore. We do nothing together. He likes doing work and farm stuff and I would rather go to the mall or a concert or something along that lines. I just dont know what to do anymore. I feel like I really dont love him anymore. I dont know if I even really did and just wasnt swept up in things We have two beautiful children and I would not change that for the world. There is 5 yrs difference between us. I am 22 and he will be 27 this year. At times he will treat me like a child because of my age. He has been married before and had a 6yr old son with her. He hasnt seen him in about 3 or 4 yrs now and he acts like he doesnt care anymore. They both signed over their rights to him and her parents supposedly adopted him. She left him when their DS was a week old and went to another state withh her parents. He only went down there to see him every 6 months or so, that I know of, even though he could take off work to go see him. He even told me himself that the first time he took off work was when our son was born, so I know he never took off work to go see his DS from first marriage. I guess what I am getting at with that is I am afraid that if i decide to leave him, that he wont have anything to do with kids and he will just get married again and start a new family again. I just dont know what to do. I dont have a job or any money to myself. I am SAHM. Does anybody have any advice? If you read all that...Thank You
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Last edited by Mommy_Of_2; May 7th, 2009 at 11:05 AM.
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  #2  
May 8th, 2009, 02:37 AM
Cheet_oh's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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It sounds like you need some sort of couples' therapy. If you're not sure if you love him or are in love with him, you need to figure that out as well. Don't stay in a relationship for the childrens' sake, that's the worst reason and that's what's going to hurt the kids the most.

I'd be careful, I'm not saying that all men are like this, but my ex wasn't involved at all with his first son, he lost interest in my kids too...also a workaholic.

Just keep an eye out for it and don't let it stop you from your decisions. Even finances can't stop you if you're determined, but I definitely suggest counseling first.

Good luck hun!
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  #3  
May 8th, 2009, 08:47 AM
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Thank You!
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  #4  
May 8th, 2009, 10:57 AM
Cheet_oh's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Anytime
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  #5  
May 9th, 2009, 06:37 AM
ChicaChels's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I just lurk here usually, but I just wanted to say I can totally relate to the farm thing. My hubby is 24 and farms 450 acres of his own, and 1000 acres with his dad. Between them they raise between 500-800 head of cattle. Farmers are their own breed....they live, breathe, eat, sleep, etc. for their farm. It never gets better! During planting and harvest I am lucky if I see Sam 5 hours a day (including sleep time). It is still something I am adapting to even after 4 years of living with it. It's a lonely life sometimes being a farmers wife.


Also, I have to add as I am hugely against puppy mills/uneducated people breeding/etc....if that were my MIL I would turn her in to the nearest local humane society so fast her head would still be spinning at Christmas. That is not fair to the poor animals at all. It's people like her that cause 100's of animals to be put to sleep everyday. Over population of animals, and I'm guessing if she lets them live in these types of conditions she is not educated on what qualities to look for before she breeds so she is probably breeding animals with a predetermined risk of devloping many many issues. If she wants to live in the smell of feces and urine that's on her, but these poor animals can't help their conditions if she won't help them. I would never let my child go into a house like that and I would get those animals removed pronto. She could get charged with so much!

I hope you figure something out with your DH and I hope if you want to make it work, you're able to. I agree with Angela about couples counseling, if this is something you want to try to make work. I also agree that staying together for the sake of your kids is really wrong. If he doesn't want to man up and be in their lives, that's his loss. If he is that type of little boy, you and your children are better off without him!


good luck hon
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  #6  
May 10th, 2009, 04:54 AM
maddie02's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I think you should see a marriage counselor. Even if he refuses to go, maybe you could benefit from it. Honestly, he doesn't sound like that great of a father if he hasn't seen his son in 3 years and signed over all his rights, but he was obviously young when he had the child and judging from your post his mom probably talked him into signing over his rights so he wouldn't be tied down or whatever.

It sounds like ya'll need to compromise: he needs to get off his mom's apron strings a bit and you need to accept his mom because he is part of the package deal, know what I mean? Maybe a counselor can help ya'll work through that.

I definitely wouldn't just leave him because he works too much or spends too much time with his mom or whatever. You can't expect him to stop doing what he loves and cut his mom out of his life because you came along and married him. Please try to work it out for your children. Even though he gave up on his first child it sounds like he tries to be a good father to your kids.

You say you don't feel like you love him anymore. That's part of what makes a marriage so hard. I think everyone feels that way in a marriage at some time or another. It's how you deal with it that makes you stronger.

Sometimes changing your own attitude and approach can make all the difference in the world. Have you tried showing him you care about and love him? Maybe he feels rejected, too. Seriously, sometimes if you open up yourself and give the affection it will be returned to you and things will get better that way.
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  #7  
May 11th, 2009, 09:28 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ChicaChels View Post
I just lurk here usually, but I just wanted to say I can totally relate to the farm thing. My hubby is 24 and farms 450 acres of his own, and 1000 acres with his dad. Between them they raise between 500-800 head of cattle. Farmers are their own breed....they live, breathe, eat, sleep, etc. for their farm. It never gets better! During planting and harvest I am lucky if I see Sam 5 hours a day (including sleep time). It is still something I am adapting to even after 4 years of living with it. It's a lonely life sometimes being a farmers wife.


Also, I have to add as I am hugely against puppy mills/uneducated people breeding/etc....if that were my MIL I would turn her in to the nearest local humane society so fast her head would still be spinning at Christmas. That is not fair to the poor animals at all. It's people like her that cause 100's of animals to be put to sleep everyday. Over population of animals, and I'm guessing if she lets them live in these types of conditions she is not educated on what qualities to look for before she breeds so she is probably breeding animals with a predetermined risk of devloping many many issues. If she wants to live in the smell of feces and urine that's on her, but these poor animals can't help their conditions if she won't help them. I would never let my child go into a house like that and I would get those animals removed pronto. She could get charged with so much!

I hope you figure something out with your DH and I hope if you want to make it work, you're able to. I agree with Angela about couples counseling, if this is something you want to try to make work. I also agree that staying together for the sake of your kids is really wrong. If he doesn't want to man up and be in their lives, that's his loss. If he is that type of little boy, you and your children are better off without him!


good luck hon
I would report her but I dont know how to go about hat without my DH knowing it was me. We bought a little pit bull puppy around 10 months ago and she brought the dang parvo virus up on here clothes and shoes and we spent over $500 on vet bills and he still didnt make it. How would I report her?
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  #8  
May 11th, 2009, 12:30 PM
ChicaChels's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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call your local humane society, or the police! even if your hubby knows it was you, if he is a decent person he wouldnt want these animals living in such conditions!
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  #9  
May 11th, 2009, 07:38 PM
in_mommy's Avatar I am just me
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Posts: 14,873
Have you talked to him about how you are feeling?? I think first step is to talk to him and go from there. You may be able to work things out together, but you need to get out everything that you are bottling up now to him. If you have talked to him about it, then I would suggest counseling. You also need to decide what you want to do, do you want to split up or try to work things out. ((HUGS))
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  #10  
May 11th, 2009, 10:20 PM
Jarheadwed's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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My DH and I knew each other a little in high school, reconnected many years later over email when he was in Iraq, we spent two weeks military leave together, and got engaged, married ten months later. I hear you on the rushing things!

My biggest concern would not be the farm or his mother- my biggest concern is his lack of concern over his son. What do you think would happen to your kids if you guys split up, would he do that again? Is getting even a part time job, to save just in case money, an option? If not, what about doing daycare at home?

We had some issues with my DH's mother too, and with what he envisioned for the future vs. what I envisioned. We went to counseling, because after a few months of marriage, I thought I wanted out, that I didn't love him. I am glad we went, we are doing great now, TTC, and I am madly in love with him.

If you guys go to counseling, the best thing you can do for yourselves is be OPEN and HONEST. It won't work if issues are avoided. It won't work if the counselor doesn't get to see the whole picture.
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  #11  
May 12th, 2009, 08:21 AM
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Thank You for all the replies and the advice. I think the whole deal of him not seeing his son has alot to do with his mother. He cant seem to tell her no or not do what she wants him too. I also think it has alot to do with his ex, she left him when their DS was a week old and the only reason they had gotten together was because she told him her oldest was his and he believed her and when they divorced the oldest was not listed as his.Went to another state and told him he had to earn the right to be a father I also think he totally wants to forget about that part of his life (has bad as that seems with a child involved) and move on. Now that I am calm and thinking about it I really do not think he would not be involved in his childrens lives if we split for some reason. He comes home from work and goes straight to the kids plays with them, changes diapers and more. He loves them so much and he really is a wonderful father. We definitely need to start talking more and I see that now from all the replies. THANKS!
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Last edited by Mommy_Of_2; May 12th, 2009 at 08:30 AM.
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  #12  
May 13th, 2009, 12:11 PM
Cheet_oh's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I'm glad you've come to a solution... I hope everything works out for you and DH!
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