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I'm going to do this in sections, I guess, even though it all relates...this all just hit us at once and I'm stressed, overwhelmed, and wondering what's next.
The GREAT news is that I had a good OB appointment yesterday and got to hear the heartbeat. This has been a major source of stress since I've had so many miscarriages and other repro-related problems. I just sort of prepared myself for the worst at every turn because that's what always happens. I've been having intense pregnancy symptoms of every sort, and have been too sick, dizzy, sore, incoherent, and tired to do much. I've felt like a terrible wife and a bad mother in advance. It sucks. I'm hoping that I'm rounding the corner into the second trimester so that I can be "me" again. I appreciate the symptoms because they allow me to feel like there's something still going on inside me, but it's affecting every other aspect of my life. Poor DH can't kiss me without me getting sick, having sex is something we both enjoy and I would still very much like to do, but I get soooooo ill and I hurt a lot from it. Our house is a wreck, but he's been trying very hard to do what he can. We've spent a lot of money on going out to eat because I can't stand the smell of food cooking, nor can I really stand up long enough to do it. (I've fallen 3 times from dizziness and my whole body is still screaming in pain.) We haven't told anyone because of our grim baby-making past, so we're taking a beating from friends and family. No one understands why we can't go to the hot springs, bar hop, mountain climbing, etc. They've been sort of cruel about it. DH's sister, in spite of me telling her that I don't feel well and that I have a large cyst to worry about and can't lift, keeps begging me to babysit. I told her no (they say they'll be gone for an hour and a half, but it turns into 6 or 7), but she insists. I like her, so I don't want to resent her, but it's already come to that. DH at least offers some humor and comfort by telling me that I absolutely don't have to do it--"You don't think she's ever going to babysit for US, do you?"
My ex and I were together for years and years. At first, my main job was finishing college (full-time, very difficult and expensive, which required me to work 60+ hours per week), but eventually, he started telling me that I wasn't contributing enough. I cooked every meal for him, kept the house immaculate, put out whenever it was required of me, and contributed at least 3/4 as much as he did--not AS much, but considering I did all the errands, cooking, cleaning, and was going to school full-time, I thought 3/4 as much was pretty good. But he had me take out private loans. He and members of his and my families cosigned, he cosigned...stupid? Yes. I didn't want to do it and kept telling him I'd take time off and work for more money, but he insisted. He bought stupid stuff with it, ran up my emergency credit card, etc. He was going to pay for it, but when we broke up, there was an issue. I felt he should pay, and he continued to do so. I got a call yesterday from collections that I owe them a BUNCH of money, immediately. He turned it over to them. Nice.
I have medical bills that I've been keeping up on, but just found out that the lab is billing separately. I haven't received a bill from them EVER and assumed that "lab fees" on my hospital bills (the lab is in the hospital) were from them. Am I an idiot? I guess so, but I now owe a large sum of money to them as of Monday. I had no idea...I really have tried to keep up on all of this.
I had a well-paying job working from home, which is exactly what I needed. I got the job through the university, and was given the job at the end of my second semester of my master's--they knew I was about to take time off and never said anything. In the fall, it was taken away because I was no longer a student. They gave it back to me because I told them that they had never said anything about that and that I did a good job. I got it back...only to have it taken away last week--without me knowing, by the way. I just found out that the job was given to a student. No one bothered to tell me. So, I'm out of a job on top of all of this other stuff. Because I'm sick and am on "rest" (though not very strict bedrest yet), I can't go get a job. Hell, I can't even microwave a meal for us right now, so how will I be able to be active in a job around here? I'm looking for anything to work from home. I look pregnant, too, so no one would hire me. Plus, it's a small town and all the jobs are labor (must lift 50 pounds) or extremely academic jobs that I don't have complete training for yet.
My dad has been going through some custody stuff and only talks about that. I understand, to a degree, but he's given up on his other 3 kids. His almost-ex-wife got custody until their divorce hearing and hasn't been treating their daughter well. She's not quite a year old, but loses weight in between the times my dad sees her. I was dragged down there at the beginning of my pregnancy to testify, but because I couldn't say that he'd never abused me, I wasn't called. He didn't talk to me the whole time I was down there. I didn't find out about my little sister from him until days after she was born--everyone else knew. DH and I will most likely end up with her within a few years because he's much older and his wife tries to kill herself often. I don't want to call to tell him that I'm having a baby. I know that he won't be happy for me and I can't bear to tell DH that my dad is still the jerk he's always been. In the meantime, I've spent a good deal of money on figuring out what to do about my little sister, trying to get adoption underway or switching temporary custody. I had to stop because of his wife being awarded temp custody. I hate knowing what's going on down there with her.
DH and I live in a very expensive town. We found an amazing deal on an apartment with an amazing landlord. He has been nothing but fun and kind and understanding. We just found out that he died. We're horribly sad over it, even though we didn't know him very, very well. He was one of those one-in-a-million types and he's missed by so many people. I went to pay rent and found this out...then found out that his wife is going to make some changes in rent--we'll probably have to start paying utilities (but we'll split with upstairs, which is unfair because DH and I power-shower and wear lots of clothes instead of turning up the heat...they take 30-40-minute showers and leave the heat on no matter what the temp is outside) and she's upping the rent. We're going to be paying much more than the place is worth and we can barely justify what we pay already, especially now that only DH is working. Do we move immediately to another, cheaper city? We can't...DH's job depends on him being HERE and weather isn't friendly for commuters in most months. I REALLY have to find a job.
All of this within a week. I have no idea what to do. Just writing it all out makes me feel better. I feel silly. I know that there are worse things. DH and I had planned pretty well to have this baby, but all of that planning was for nothing. We've had to spend savings on other things and I no longer have a job, our housing isn't stable, and so on. I had that great appointment, which has been exactly what I've been waiting for, and I can't get excited. I hate myself for it and I know that this stress isn't good for me or the baby.
Sorry that it's so long and I feel like I'm whining. I would never in a million years talk to anyone about this stuff because I feel like an idiot and I just wouldn't be able to get the words out. I suddenly feel trapped and no longer like everything will work out. But it has to, right?
No wonder you are feeling so overwhelmed! I'm so happy you shared that. Sometimes journaling and express thoughts can help release some of load... I know we can't come over to help but I hope we want to help you emotionally in anyway. You sound amazingly strong with all the paths you've been through... I hope this ends up being a place you feel confortable expressing, pain, hurt, sadness, and anger.. Ever person is entitlted to release it.
Take care of that bean... I hope you physically start to feel better... I wonder if there is some sort of temp disablity you could qualify for? I hope the light at the end of the tunnel starts glowing here soon too... please know we are here for you.
I am glad you found a place to release some of that instead of keeping it bottled up inside. Just remember stress is not good for the baby, so come here and vent ANYTIME!!! I know it is hard to be happy when so many things have gone wrong in the past with the pregnancies, but the further you are along, the better the chances are, and I think you are doing fine. Once people realize what is really going on with you, they are going to be kicking themselves in the butt for being such pains!! I agree with mrobinson on you checking into disability and different options like that to help you out for the time being. I dont know what kind of work your DH does, but how hard would it be to find a different job in a different town, if you guys end up moving? If he has pretty good chances, then maybe that is something you should consider. Hang in there and let us know how you are doing, you will find your pot of gold at the end of the rainbow!!