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A little advice please?


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  #1  
May 22nd, 2009, 06:53 PM
LisaB's Avatar Mom to twins + 1
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I know this is a venting room, but I'm hoping for a little advice. My best friend of over 30 years is having an affair. She is normally the most loyal person I know, but the affair is with someone she dated a long time ago, the "one who got away".

I want to support her, I really do. But I feel terrible for her husband, who has no idea. Not that I think he should find out, because it would probably crush him, but I would like her to stop seeing this guy & figure out what to do about her marriage - either work on it or end it if that's where you're going. How can you work on a marriage if you're sleeping with someone else? Anyway, she is actually not sleeping with her husband (been years now) so he's safe from STDs.

Should I say anything to her? I know she is already feeling about an inch high & is trying to stop seeing this guy & work on her marriage, so anything I say that is preachy will make her feel even more awful. Ugh. I don't know what to do, if anything.
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Me: Lisa, Mommy to twins +1
8/5/08 Beautiful twin girls Leigh and Lucy born after 4-year struggle with RPL & 6 losses
12/10/09 Surprise! Baby #3 is on the way, EDD 6/22/10

12/29/09 2nd ultrasound - joining team blue

6/16/10 Baby Ben is born!


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  #2  
May 23rd, 2009, 01:18 AM
Cheet_oh's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I don't know... that's tough...my best friend is a pot head and I've tried to talk to her over and over about stuff... she won't listen.. and she gets mad at me when I tell her she needs to get her head on straight (she is in an abusive relationship, etc). I can only be there to support her but she's not going to listen no matter what I say.....all you can do is support grown people...they're not going to change unless they want to and nothing you say will make them want to.
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  #3  
May 25th, 2009, 08:48 AM
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I would do nothing. She has to make her own way and whatever you do, it seems likely you would get bitten by her for saying STOP or by her husband for HOW COULD YOU. Of course, now that you know, it has to be a burden to your heart.
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  #4  
May 27th, 2009, 06:24 PM
in_mommy's Avatar I am just me
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What a sticky situation. I think you should just tell her that she should get some counseling to help her sort out everything. Its not fair to anyone what she is doing. To her hubby for cheating, to you for putting you in that situation, to her ex for leading him on, and to her self. She needs to sort out her feelings and decide who she wants to be with, no matter what someone is going to be hurt.
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  #5  
June 2nd, 2009, 12:41 AM
Alchemist's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Its very difficult. Look, you have to be honest and real with her. Trying to be diplomatic is similar to enabling her behaivuor. The thing is, her husband, through your friendship with her has become your friend as well.

Ask her what she is doing? Ask her why she is risking her family for an affair? her answer can determine YOUR decisions. If she is confused and remoreseful, help her work through her feelings to make an ultimate decision i.e. leave her hubby and pursue this other man OR leave the affair and work on her relationship. If she refuses to discuss it or make any decsions, I would walk away until she comes clean with her life. Being around self destructive people is enabling them and its a disaster for YOU. Do you honestly want someone like that to influence your kids? YOUR marriage?

She cant have it both ways. I would not tolerate someone like that in my life, best friend or even family. If she refuses to take responsibility and be fair on a man she married, what kind of person is she? All the reasons she can muster cant justify hurting someone to the core like she is doing to her husband. if she is in an abusive realtionship or is out of love with him, then she should leave. she shouldnt become the bad person in the situation.

Sorry if this is harsh, but affairs are the root of societies degradation IMO...........
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  #6  
June 4th, 2009, 09:40 AM
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Honestly, if it were me, I couldn't NOT say something. In fact, this decision would likely impact our friendship for a long time, and I'd likely tell her that she needs to tell her husband or I would. She doesn't need support for her affair, she needs someone to tell her what she's doing is NOT okay, and I couldn't stop myself from saying that to her.
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  #7  
June 5th, 2009, 10:09 PM
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I actually had a friend who was 'the other woman' and ended up having a baby with a married man. I told her at the time that it would not end well and as time passed she saw that I was correct. He cheated with her, but then he cheated on her after he divorced his wife so they could 'be together'. I may have been a bit less harsh in my way of telling her that it would not end well, but at that point in time my first marriage had just ended in divorce due to his affair with a woman he met online, so I have been the friend whose friend is having an affair and I have been the spouse who was betrayed. My friend and I are still good friends, even though it was rough for a while after I 'shared' my thoughts on the matter with her.
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  #8  
June 7th, 2009, 11:06 AM
in_mommy's Avatar I am just me
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So what is going on with the other situation?? Did you ever get that decision made as to what to do?
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  #9  
June 11th, 2009, 01:50 AM
LisaB's Avatar Mom to twins + 1
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Sorry for the late reply. Thanks for all the responses ladies.

My friend stopped seeing the other guy, did not tell her husband about the affair, which I agree with now that it's in the past and she is truly remorseful. She and the husband plan to go to couples counseling, but are also going to counseling individually first to work out their own issues first before they work out issues as a couple. I think this is a good solution and one that 1) doesn't hurt the husband needlessly - what is past is past, no one can change that, and moving forward is what's important, and 2) if they can salvage their relationship, counseling is probably the way to do it.

I hope counseling works - they have serious issues, he's been drugged out on pain meds for years and basically checked out of the relationship & life in general, and she was feeling abandoned and lonely, and was seriously considering leaving him for the other guy. But she wants to try and make the marriage work first. She will give counseling a year. I think that is fair, though I wonder if regular counseling is going to help an addict, maybe an intervention is what is really needed. Oh well, it's a start anyway!

I wish them well, but I see her side of it - drugs, even prescription ones, can turn people into zombies. I just hope things work out for the best, whatever that may be!
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Me: Lisa, Mommy to twins +1
8/5/08 Beautiful twin girls Leigh and Lucy born after 4-year struggle with RPL & 6 losses
12/10/09 Surprise! Baby #3 is on the way, EDD 6/22/10

12/29/09 2nd ultrasound - joining team blue

6/16/10 Baby Ben is born!


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