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Feeling the lust is gone


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  #1  
February 24th, 2006, 04:57 PM
kel_86's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Hello All!!! I feel like i just have to vent here. I've been holding my feelings inside and it is eating away at me.

Me and my DH have been married since July. We were planning on getting married anways but I was 16 weeks pregnant on our wedding day. My DH was great throught my pregnancy was always there rubbing my tummy and talking to it.

Since our daughter has been born I feel like he has pulled away and that we no longer have any "special" moments together. My DH has his own business and works very hard so I understand that he is tired when he gets home. BUt i don't think he fully understands how tired I am. It seems like we are constantly fighting when our daughter is sleeping. When we do have time to be alone(we live with 3 other people) he just watches TV or something. I just feel like the love and "wanting" eachother is gone. When we started to date, which is 4 years ago now, he wouldn't even leave me alone in the middle of the night.

I'm wondering if anyone else has felt this way after having a newborn or even just as they have been together for awhile with their DH or SO. Any thoughts/suggestions?
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  #2  
February 24th, 2006, 08:16 PM
blythe's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Hello. I don't get a chance to go online much but I read your post and needed to respond. Just mommies is my favorite and only site where I post.

I'm not sure from reading your post if it is you or your DH that has lost "the feeling" or if it is both of you.
I don't have any answers for you unfortunately, but I can tell you I am going through a very similar and frustrating situation.

Here's my strange scenario: I was married once before and have an 11 year old son. After he was born, even though things were rough and my ex and I were headed for a divorce, we still both had a healthy "drive" so to speak. Then several years after my divorce, I met my current husband and we have been together for 10 years. He had custody of his 2 very small girls and my son was small so we had little alone time but we were still very "frisky". HA All of these last ten years in spite of a houseful of kids, we have had a good "private" life. Weelll, I do not know what happened - we now have a ten-month-old together and things have been VERY WEIRD for me. The whole time I was pregnant last year we were both in the mood pretty much whenever and I swear the minute our baby was born - my "drive" just died. I even talked to my OB/GYN about it and she said there is really no pill for women like viagara (spelling?) and she hears this EVERY DAY from frustrated women whose "drives" have gone away. SHe just told me to browse the internet for help. (haven't found any) I often wonder if I'm subconciously angry and resentful about how little help my DH has given me (he has only changed ONE diaper in 10 months - in November - I took a picture of it!) or if it is a combo of exhaustion, my older age, and resentment. My DH is working 2 jobs - 7 days a week for months so I can stay home but still when he gets home he's not as tired as I am. Tonight he said "Ummm...I really need to have ### tonight." I just smiled but to myself I'm thinking "really? I just need a shower and a good night's sleep for the first time in almost a year." He gets off work every night at 6pm and comes home to watch TV...I never get off work. Ever.

Sometimes I just "give it up" so to speak to try to make him happy because I do value him and our marriage. We've had so many good years together. I thought by now I would feel more like my old self but I don't so I find myself thinking "well, maybe when the baby is more self-sufficient.." I don't know. I honestly can't believe it's gone on this long because I do love my DH and I've never had these problems before even though some of my friends have..

I know this doesn't help but I wanted you to know you are not alone and it is extremely bewildering !!
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  #3  
February 24th, 2006, 08:37 PM
kel_86's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Hello Blythe. I can see where you are comming from that would be very fustrating. I'm in the middle. Sometimes I feel like you, other times I wish that we would be intimate more. I do know that my DH watches porn(on the internet) and I am hurt by it. He doesn't know that I know. BUt when i look to see what he was doing on the computer theres a pron site, while me and his daughter are sitting in the next room. So most of the time I feel i resent him. I feel like since I've had my baby I really don't look the way I used to(due to stretch marks). I feel inadequate and that I can no longer "satisfy" him, as there are prettier girls out there than me. I'm just not sure what to do at this point. I mean we are still young and part of me still wishes that he would find me as "irresistable" as it once was.

The other part is that I don't know if I give him much to be "excited" about. Since I am no longer working our money situation has gone significantly down. My DH has been working twice as hard to get debtspaid off. Even though I'm not working I worry about the bills constantly as they are in my name. I also give my DH alot of grief about how much time he spends with our daughter. When she was first born he couldn't get enough of her, always held her and talked to her. Now, he does hold her but not as often. Sometimes I can't get her to stop crying and he'll hold her for 5 sec and she'll stop crying. She misses her Daddy.

I'm not usually like this. I don't talk about my "private" life, but it's really fustrating and all with a newborn. I'm just unsure what to do.

As for your situation, I can understand where your comming from. During my pregnancy I didn't really have the same "drive" as I once had. And i can definatly understand the part about always being tired. The only adive that I have to you is always take the moments that you can with your DH. With that many children I can see how little they would occur. Does your husband know about your "drive" situation?
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  #4  
February 25th, 2006, 12:54 AM
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Hi, I'm new to this board, but after reading all your stories I felt that it would be rude not to share my story and experiences.

First of all I have 3 children, 3 lads aged 10, 7 and 17 months. I was happily married 5 years ago, and I had a good marriage to a good man or so I thought. My sex drive had got up and walked after my first son was was born, but we still maintained a healthy marriage, after DS #2 was born my drive still didn't improve, in the end, he ended up on the sex offenders list for trying to molest my 14 year old cousin, marriage over! He comes to see the boys once a year, he now has a son to his new partner who by the way has no idea as to why we were divorced except whatever bull he has told her. Anyway, I met my current partner and my drive came back (full force) we were up and down for 2 years as we both had issues with ex's when I fell PG with DS #3 he was the nastiest man alive as he said I hope it dies, accused me of sleeping around, and many other things also. Although I had a good drive we didn't have sex while I was PG so I was frusrated most of the time, we argued non stop till he was born. When he was born things did change a little, we don't argue even half as much, our sex life is a little better but is still lacking. He drinks less than he used to now. But he also goes on the p0rn online, and it gets to me more than anything that he masterbates over these women, it's very damaging to our relationship and to me, it makes me feel unsexy, undesirable, I mean after 3 kids my figure ain't perfect, I'm a 12 but I have stretch marks that look like I've been attacked by freddy Krugar, I'm 29 in a few days so not exactly in my prime either and with 3 kids I'm not exactly a prize catch either. At one point in the past before our son was born he also had an affair with an 18 year old girl which gave my confidence one he11 of a knock, I gave him one right back, I met an 18 year old soldier, who wanted to be with me so I went only I didn't make a secret of it, I shoved it right under his nose. Sometimes I wonder why I went back with him, but I guess I can only say that I loved him, I don't know if I still do or not, he goes on the p0rn and it makes me angry, and after this long a little love dies each time he puts the p0rn before me, thats harsh I know but it's true, I can't really see a great future with him, I don't see any future with him, I thought I loved him, but I learned the hard way that he just wasn't worth all the effort I put into it, and yet I'm still with him.

Jay xx
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  #5  
February 25th, 2006, 08:30 AM
blythe's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Hello again. I know what you both mean about the porn issue. My DH does that too and it is extremely irritating. I "catch" him on the porn sites while I'm in the other room struggling withthe kids. He goes on those sites and then he gets all "riled up" and wants me to "put out the fire" so to speak. I told him it's like this: If I'm starving but I know we're gonna have a crappy meal that night like PB&J or macaroni and cheese out of a box, I don't sit for hours and watch the Food Network CHannel and watch them prepare Filet Mignon or Prime Rib when I know I'm not gonna have it that night and it's just torturing myself to get myself all hungry for what I'm not gonna have !!!

Also, I love (okay now this is personal - sorry - but I gotta vent) how my DH knows I am struggling with a low libido and I am not interested in s## right now but when we do mess around, he wants 30 minutes of foreplay and I get nothing. I'm the one having trouble getting turned on but he's the one that's requiring all the stimulation beforehand? Whatthe heck? I've even mentioned this to him but it didn't make a difference.

I probably should be typing this on the LOve and S## forum but I don't have enough posts to enter.

My DR. recommended going to a s## therapist nearby for awhile but she is extremely expensive and I'm sure insurance won't cover. Plus, my DH thought it was a dumb idea of course. Maybe he wouldn't think it was such a dumb idea if I just stopped "putting out" to try to keep him happy. (Isn't that a very 1950s kind of mentality?)

As far as the other issues, my Dh and I are both overweight and have always struggled with our weight since adulthood. My DR asked me if my weight was possibly an issue - I don't think it is. My stomach also looks like a roadmap of stretchmarks (both of my kids were 10+ pounds at birth because of gestational diabetes - what can you expect?) but my DH is also "husky" so I don't feel really uncomfrtable around him. I do wonder if my weight isn't affecting my exhaustion level however...but then again , even really thin people would be worn out from all these kids I gotta believe. hmmmm....

I wonder about my hormone levels being out of whack but then again my DR said all the women she sees every day want their hormone levels checked because of low s## drive and most of the time, it's other issues like age or something. I don't know. I just know I used to feel really frisky and it's like somebody flipped a switch and it's gone. My relationship with my DH hasn't gotten that much worse - he's never helped with the kids before anyway but I still have had a drive all these years until now - just weird.

Well, I gotta go... baby's screaming and there's work to be done. Hugs to you! I'm sorry I'm no help. Don't you wish someone would write in and say "in my situation, it worked itself out and it all got sooo much better on its own ...just give it some time." I wish I could ask my mom or someone a lot older about this - if they went through it - but I don't have this kind of relationship with my mom (I'm 35, she's 75...we just don't go there AT ALL ! HA HA )
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  #6  
February 26th, 2006, 11:40 AM
kel_86's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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First Off hats off to you Momof3lads you must be a very strong lady. I don't think I could be with a man that wished "our" baby to die. BUt i am glad that things have shanged a little since your DS was born. I agree that men going onto pron sites is very damaging to a relationship. Although "men" will be "men" so to speak, it just doesn't seem right in my eyes. I as well feel very undesirable when he chooses to go to these sites. I don't think what you said is harsh(when you said "a little love dies each time he puts the p0rn before me") I feel the same. I don't understand why men "get off" at looking at something that they can't have or touch. IT definatly doesn't turn me on. I would go to my husband before porn "ANY DAY". Thank you for sharing your story it makes me feel better thant I am not the only once that feels like this

I hope everything works out for the best within your marriage. XXhugsXX


Hello again Blythe.

I definatly would see where it is fustrating that he wants so much foreplay while you don't get any. He should be trying to "help" you. Your DH would probably be very upset if you just "stopped". You would think that men would want to help the situation...I as well wish that there was some kind of hope given to us. I just wish everything would og back to normal. I haven't had any decrease in my limbido(sp?) which, after hearing your heartbreaking stories, i am very glad. It definatly would make the situation alot harder. I hope everything works out for you blythe. xxhugsxx
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