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  #1  
March 11th, 2006, 01:38 PM
Chunky Monkey's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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OK I am a SAHM. My DH is an EMT/Vol FF. He works 24 hour shifts every 3rd day. he was so excited when he got this shift because he said it would give him more time to help me around the house and stuff. Our 3 y/o son has also been recently diagnosed with autism and he knows it is hard for me to get things done with him getting into everything.

I also have a 10 y/o daughter and 8 y/o son who are more than capable of helping and have ASSIGNED chores. But I spend most of the time getting on them to get the chores done that my stuff suffers and I end up having to do both their chores and my stuff.

DH & I have always had an agreement. If one cooks, the other does dishes. The only exception is when he is working his 24 hour shift b/c it is not fair to make him do dishes when he wasn't even home to eat. I fond myself waiting till the next day sometimes and the dishes are STILL sitting there. So when I remind him about it, I am "nagging." So I end up doing them. Now I am just getting them done the night they are used because I know they won't get done by him. Oh and he says I have to "earn" getting a dishwasher. His mom & I both explained to him that if I just put the stuff in the dishwasher and start it, I can be doing something else while that is going instead of standing there at the sink doing the dishes.

He tells me he can stay home with the kids and I can go out and work but we have done that before. I was holding down 2 jobs and when I came home exhausted, the kids were hungry, he hadn't bathed them yet and the house was a wreck. We are NOT going that route again.

I have forbidden him from throwing loads of laundry in the washer. He does not separate and things end up funky colors. But he COULD take the stuff from the washer to the dryer or fold and put it away.

When he comes home from work HE is tired and HE needs a break. EMS is not all runs. He only averages about 6 runs per shift and the rest of the time he can eat, sleep and relax. So there goes my help with CJ while I get some things done. As I am writing this, he is taking a nap in the bedroom. But I just got 2 loads of laundry done and the rest of the breakfast dishes. But of course he got 7 hours of sleep during his shift yesterday while I only got 3 because I was worried about a battered friend of mine and got some cleaning done after the kids went to bed.

I just don't know what to do anymore. His mom has talked to him about this. My in-laws both shared the responsibilities at home of the kids, cooking and cleaning. So we don't know where this is coming from.

Oh and another thing, he expects for me just to jump in bed and make love to him after spending all day doing what I do. I am lucky if I am feeling up to it once a week now. But then when I deny him, he thinks I am cheating on him....grrrr! When do I have the time?!

OK, I feel a little better getting this off of my chest.

I am going to go do the last load of laundry, get dinner started and sweep the floors.
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  #2  
March 13th, 2006, 06:56 PM
in_mommy's Avatar I am just me
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I am SO right there with you! Lets strike!!
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  #3  
March 14th, 2006, 03:00 AM
Chunky Monkey's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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YAHH!!! STRIKE STRIKE STRIKE!!!

Of course if we do that, the entire house is going to fall down, right?

But I remember when my mom did that once for 3 days. I think it kicked my dad's butt into gear. Funny thing was with them, my dad couldn't hold down a job for nothing (STILL can't) so he was the SAH parent & just sat around all day drinking beer.

I had my wisdom teeth pulled a year ago & DH was NO HELP. I had to have my MIL to come over to help me.

I am probably going to have to have another lap done to check and see how my endo is. I already have my MIL, my dad & my aunt all willing to come over to help.

Who else is with us??
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  #4  
March 19th, 2006, 03:56 PM
~Katie~'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Oh I hear ya girls some times....I have tried to strike and everything just piled up and that was twice as much for me to do...

My dh is Active Duty Army and the most he does right now is pt....I have a 9,6, and 2.5 year old and I am 16 weeks pregant and you would think someone would help me so I would stop complaining...but noooo....

I cleaned house all day and now I am off to start dinner, bluhhh....
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  #5  
March 20th, 2006, 07:24 AM
carolinagirl's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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OK - here's my 2 cents

1. Make up a chores chart and post it on the fridge including the things that you do and as the chores are done check it off. That way HE can see what you're doing as well as monitor the kids and you can see what he's NOT doing and point it out to him.

2. Don't involve his mother - that just pisses him off and he resents it and gets back at you by not helping.

3. If the kids aren't doing what they're supposed to do - DO NOT do it for them!! They know by now that if they dilly dally long enough mom will come along and do it for them. Start doing time-out's or for every minute they waste not doing what they're supposed to be doing is time off from their play time and etc..

The point is that it has to be a joint effort as a family, otherwise you're going to run yourself into the ground. Call a family meeting prior to making a chores list and make sure everyone understands what their role is, now granted you're a SAHM but you're by no means the live-in maid so stop acting like one!! They've got to start pulling their own weight. I know how tough it is, I have a 20 year old step-son. I still have to leave a detailed chores list in order to get stuff done, but it gets done and it's done fairly well and if it's not I make do it over again until it's right. You've just gotta put your foot down and draw a line in the sand and decide how much you're willing to put up with.

GOOD LUCK!
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  #6  
March 20th, 2006, 03:59 PM
Chunky Monkey's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Quote:
OK - here's my 2 cents

1. Make up a chores chart and post it on the fridge including the things that you do and as the chores are done check it off. That way HE can see what you're doing as well as monitor the kids and you can see what he's NOT doing and point it out to him.

2. Don't involve his mother - that just pisses him off and he resents it and gets back at you by not helping.

3. If the kids aren't doing what they're supposed to do - DO NOT do it for them!! They know by now that if they dilly dally long enough mom will come along and do it for them. Start doing time-out's or for every minute they waste not doing what they're supposed to be doing is time off from their play time and etc..

The point is that it has to be a joint effort as a family, otherwise you're going to run yourself into the ground. Call a family meeting prior to making a chores list and make sure everyone understands what their role is, now granted you're a SAHM but you're by no means the live-in maid so stop acting like one!! They've got to start pulling their own weight. I know how tough it is, I have a 20 year old step-son. I still have to leave a detailed chores list in order to get stuff done, but it gets done and it's done fairly well and if it's not I make do it over again until it's right. You've just gotta put your foot down and draw a line in the sand and decide how much you're willing to put up with.

GOOD LUCK![/b]

Thanks for the advice! I have actually started just turning the T.V. off in the evenings & we get all our stuff done then. It is working, though I am still yelling at them to get it done a little quicker. It is bad when it takes 45 minutes th pick up the toys on the living room floor.

I don't involve his mother, he does. He tells her how lazy I am and he goes out to make the money but don't give him anything in return. But she doesn't see things his way since his parents shared everything in the housework so he doesn't talk to her anymore about this stuff.
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  #7  
March 21st, 2006, 08:08 AM
carolinagirl's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I am glad that you've got a system that is working for you. In regards to DH not talking to his mom about things anymore - probably because he got absolutely no sympathy! Which is good.. because long gone are the days the man goes out and earns the money and has zero responsibilities around the house and the wife does all the house work, cooking, raising the children, etc...

I am fortunate, my DH is military so he likes a clean house and helps maintain it along side of me. We BOTH work full-time and we BOTH do our share of chores. It has to be a joint effort on both parts because otherwise the house would be a disaster and stay a disaster.

Kudos for taking charge of the kiddos and making them learn their responsibility as a family member. It's never too early to teach children that mom isn't their maid!!
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  #8  
March 26th, 2006, 06:26 AM
Nancy
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If yall go on strike I am going too. My dh thinks he can come home an play video games all things rather than help. Even when i was having a m/c he only helped for like one day. And in the middle of it all he had a friend over! Grrrrr. I say we all go to the bahamas on strike!
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  #9  
March 26th, 2006, 10:27 AM
MrsCalhoun's Avatar Ryan Lover
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Location: Montreal Quebec
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Quote:
If yall go on strike I am going too. My dh thinks he can come home an play video games all things rather than help. Even when i was having a m/c he only helped for like one day. And in the middle of it all he had a friend over! Grrrrr. I say we all go to the bahamas on strike![/b]

i'm right on ya with that one. i'm about ready to throw the bloody xbox out the window. and i'm not joking. i'm down for a strike.
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  #10  
March 26th, 2006, 11:05 AM
Chunky Monkey's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Quote:
If yall go on strike I am going too. My dh thinks he can come home an play video games all things rather than help. Even when i was having a m/c he only helped for like one day. And in the middle of it all he had a friend over! Grrrrr. I say we all go to the bahamas on strike![/b]

I am there!
And when I had my m/c last month, he didn't help me out at all, not to even wash a stinking dish and was mad at me for not having sex with him. ***?! He didn't bring the sex thing up till the other day because we were argueing and he said I am not "giving it up" to him like I should.
And we are fighting today because AF finally showed and he is mad because I want to have a little rest time because of the cramps but he can take a nap any time he wants? I don't think so. I locked myself in the bedroom for 2 hours.
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  #11  
March 27th, 2006, 12:33 PM
in_mommy's Avatar I am just me
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Men can be such jerks sometimes!
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