[pumpkinseed]

Hi Ladies.

This is my first time in the Venting Room. A little backstory on my relationship with my BF. We met in January and became great friends instantly. We were both attracted to each other and I very quickly developed a crush on him. We would go out together and do things alone..."dates" if you will but we never really called them that. He knew I liked him, because after about 3-4 weeks of hanging out, I let him know I was interested in him as more than a friend..though by this point he already knew it because I'd been talking to his best friend about it, knowing his best friend would probably clue him in. Nothing happened between us, he said he was ok with me liking him but wanted to take things slow. I understood the reason behind it to be that a girl he'd been in a relationship with before and had proposed to, gave him the ring back after a few short months of being engaged. That all happened over a year prior to us meeting though. However, ex-gf had since been calling him with sob stories of missing him and wanting to be with him and saying she was going to be coming back to town (she travels for work and is only here twice a year for maybe a few weeks to a month at a time) and wanted to see him. Then she'd turn around and stop calling, start ignoring him and just when he seemed to be getting over her ..there she was again. Apparently, this happened several times over the course of the year after she broke off the engagement. So when I met him, she wasn't around, but they were still talking. His hesitation to try to move on with me was because he wasn't sure yet if was ready to let her go. After a few months of me hanging around and getting nothing out of him (it was now April), I got frustrated. He knew how I felt and I knew he liked me..his words were "you're perfect for me" and my response was "well then what's the problem?" and his was "I'm an idiot" So I put my foot down, I told him I felt I was only his "comfort" until she came back and that I had to protect myself from being heartbroken..though I truly already was.

After that, we stopped talking for a couple of weeks and I started hanging around another guy friend of mine more. Honestly, I was not looking to start a relationship with this guy, but we enjoyed each other's company. When I started talking to my current BF again, I told him I was kinda seeing this other guy..which was true, we weren't "exclusive" but we were hanging out a lot and liked each other..and even though I hadn't wanted to start a relationship with him, it was moving in that direction. Suddenly, my current BF started acting differently towards me, more affectionate, more attentive, and when a problem arose with the other guy, he was there to be my shoulder to cry on and my support. Like I said before, aside from having feelings for each other ..we started out as great friends.

So, I thought he was finally coming around and put an end to things with the "rebound guy", if you will. And current BF and I quickly went from friends to more within days of me ending it with rebound guy.(It's now June) He said it had hurt him to see me with someone else and he realized what he was losing. That wasn't my intention..but hearing that made me happy that he realized it. About a week and a half into our relationship..SHE..the ex..came back. She was back for about 3 weeks, and during that time he had her up on a pedestal. He had told me their friendship was still strong and that he had told her about me and that she was cool with it. He explained to me that she was just one of those special people in his life that he'd always love etc. I understood this because I have a friend of mine, who is an ex, who I know will always be my "platonic soul mate". So when he was giving her attention, I was cool with it...until he started ignoring me when I was sitting right there, or not calling me all day and spending the day with her. It hurt..I was trying to be supportive and understanding and I felt that he was taking advantage of this.

While all of this is going on, I'm still talking to my friend..the "rebound guy". I couldn't really avoid him because he hangs out in the same social group that I do and things with us remained civil and friendly, no hard feelings. But he voiced to me that he had developed strong feelings for me and that my current BF didn't deserve me, especially with how he was putting his ex before me and all. At this point I was torn. Here was a guy trying his best to get me back, who I had liked and basically ended things with because my current BF finally started coming around. I felt like an *** for what I'd done to him, though we both said we never expected to start a relationship.

After SHE left. Things with my BF kinda felt weird. It felt like we had backtracked back to being friends. Intimacy was just awkward and rarely happened. I started having second thoughts and doubts about us and the hurtful realization hit me that I would never be HER and I would never be as important to him as SHE is. I had been so good to him and the idea of that just made me so angry. So the whole month of July was just weird for us, until the very end..things seemed to be getting a little bit better. Then on his birthday, August 2nd, SHE called while I was hanging out with him, just spending the afternoon with him alone, and he talked to her for an hour with me just sitting there on the sofa doing nothing. It wasn't the fact that he was talking to her, it was the fact that when I got to his house that day, he seemed to be in such a poor mood (one of those "don't like my birthday" people) but as soon as she called (and I recognized her ringtone - "she's my cherry pie") his voice lit up and he seemed to be so much happier and cheery when he got off the phone with her. I forced myself to pretend to not be bothered by this because it was, afterall, his birthday and I didn't want to ruin it. But of course, I started doubting again at that point.

My birthday was yesterday, the 7th..and I didn't know if I wanted to spend it with him or not. I decided to go ahead and meet up with him for dinner with his parents (it was also his dad's birthday) and when I got to his house he had my birthday present for me...roses..and a gift certificate for a very expensive package to a salon and spa. I was floored. I feel so undeserving because surely if he knew how I'd been feeling and what I'd been thinking lately..he wouldnt' have done that. Nobody's ever given me a gift that nice before..and he said I deserved to be pampered for being such a good mom to my kids etc.

Now I don't know what to think, or how to feel. I don't feel like I deserve this gift from him. I almost want to give it back but I know that would make a pretty big statement. I just don't know what to make of all this or what to do from this point.

Thanks for reading.

[Brie]

Christi, take the gift and feel no guilt. You can't help how you feel and it sounds like he has given you plenty of reason to doubt/wonder @ the security of your relationship. You should NOT feel guilty about that. Enjoy your day at the spa. But I would keep an eye on his continued "friendship" with the ex. From everything you wrote, that gave me much more concern then you feeling insecure about things. Women have great intuition @ these kind of things, so don't feel bad using that intuition. HTHs

[pumpkinseed]

Thanks for your advice Brie. I will continue to keep a close eye on their relationship and you're right about womens' intuition...I just wish mine could be wrong this time.

[in_mommy]

Welcome to the venting board, sorry it had to be under these circumstances!! Take the gift and enjoy it!!!! Have you talked to him about your feelings? Sounds to me like you need to go with your gut on this. Doesnt sound like a good situation.