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What am I meant to do about DH??


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  #1  
September 8th, 2009, 04:05 PM
Marlz.
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I love my dh and all.. But I have no idea what to do.. For years Ive been asking for him to stop swearing at me and calling me names And every time we have a fight or a disagreement he says "pack your bags" or he just screams and pulls some ugly angry face at me.. and the odd threat. The thing is he wont stop its like if he isn't even trying.. All i do is cry and he just says "stop feeling sorry for yourself, I don't feel sorry for you" I cant help but cry.. I just get so angry and disappointed..

I just cant understand why we can be so close, he says he loves me...
But truly how can he if he can tell me I'm all these nasty names and say to me to leave??

Like sometimes I feel like going.. but at the end of the day I'm just going to be the idiot when I come back because I have no where else to go.

All I want is to have is a loving happy strong family.. but I don't think me dh is ever going to stop with the names..

I can cross counseling out- talking to him about it out-

where do I go from here.. ?

Last edited by Linz; September 9th, 2009 at 12:48 PM. Reason: profanity
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  #2  
September 9th, 2009, 12:06 PM
stardusthealer's Avatar Super Mommy
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He knows it hurts you so when you are in the heat of the moment he uses that. The question is do you really want your daughters to continue to hear there mother berated like that? Do you want them growing up and thinking that is normal behaviour. If your answer is no then something has to change. Could you go stay with a family member or a friend until you can figure out what your next move is?

Last edited by stardusthealer; September 9th, 2009 at 12:07 PM. Reason: spelling error
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  #3  
September 9th, 2009, 12:46 PM
in_mommy's Avatar I am just me
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I had replied to this earlier, but seems the post monster must have ate it. You can not let him continuously verbally abuse you. Next time he starts in the ranting and tells you to pack up and leave either have a bag ready to go for him and tell him no YOU go or have one ready for you and the kids and go. Stay with family or friends for the night. One day the verbal abuse may step up to physical abuse, and I dont think either is what you want your kids growing up seeing. Maybe check into seeing what kind of domestic violence help there is in your community. (((HUGS)))
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  #4  
September 11th, 2009, 01:22 PM
*SamF*'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I don't post much in here but had to say something.
My ex was highly verbally abusive. He would yell, scream, call me every name you could think of and totally berate me. He blamed it on being diabetic- but funny thing was he didn't do it to anybody else.
We tried counseling, he stopped going because he decided that all counselors side with the woman, so it didn't matter. The counselor was really pushing me to leave. It took another 8 years before I did.
Some people understood immediately, others thought I was selfish, because they didn't know the whole story- it wasn't something that I talked about. Leaving was the hardest thing I ever did.
It took me a while to really understand that if My new DH and I get into an argument now I don't have to cringe and worry he is going to blow up and lose it. I don't get called names, and things don't get thrown around the house.

You have to do what is best for you and your children. If he refuses counseling it doesn't leave you many options.
Good luck!
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  #5  
September 21st, 2009, 04:07 PM
in_mommy's Avatar I am just me
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Just checking in to see how things were going and how you are doing.
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  #6  
October 1st, 2009, 03:58 PM
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All I can say is, you haven't left yet? How can you make love to a person who calls you aweful names like that and why are you having children with this man! You said he doesn't even try to control the outbursts and doesn't feel sorry for you when he makes you cry. That is abusive and having your children hear that is WRONG!! Do you want your daughters to think that is ok? do you want your daughter's to be with a man like that? Because that is what you are teaching them. Why are you pregnant with another child? You are saying that it's ok to bring children into this atmostphere. You need to get strong and take control over your life! I can only imagine what he says to those children when they cry.

Sorry but I don't understand why women allow this from their husbands....and subject children to them.
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  #7  
October 4th, 2009, 09:05 AM
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^ no offense, but that was a bit harsh, especially since you do not know what goes on completely. You don't have to "understand" it. She needs support, not someone passing judgment on her.

When you are abused, either mentally physically and/or emotionally.. it makes you feel like you are worth nothing and until you get your confidence back, you can't make a stand, coz you somehow feel you deserve their treatment of you. Not right, not fair, completely uncalled for.. he is being a complete butt.. Until you actually go through something like that, you won't understand. And you may have been in a abusive relationship.. IDK.

Not trying to offend, just found that post a bit harsh.
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  #8  
October 17th, 2009, 10:11 AM
Ellemphriem's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I am so sorry to have to say this to a pregnant woman but after a child comes along usually it puts great strain in any relationship. In an already strained one it might break the ropes.....just be very very careful his verbal abuse and lack of respect to your person does not turn to physical abuse or total lack of respect for the new life that is about to come. Sometimes it is better to be a single parent than to try and have a strong family with a person that show such signs......The respect that you so deserve (that any person deserves) is not given to you.....i fear about the little love that is coming along....she needs her mom whole and she needs a stable loving environment honey. The choice is yours, but think think hard on it. He already shows you what he is all about. And believe me people don't change

I wish you the best on this.....it's hard.
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Last edited by Ellemphriem; October 17th, 2009 at 10:14 AM.
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  #9  
October 17th, 2009, 10:04 PM
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I haven't commented yet because I have been trying to find the right words, if such things exist in this situation. First, please take care of yourself and your girls (all three of them) because the four of you are ones who are most important in this situation. I spent ten years in an abusive relationship which started with verbal abuse early on in the relationship. Fortunately, we did not have any children so I only had to worry about getting myself out of the situation in one piece. I spent the better part of the following decade working in the field of corrections (male offenders) so I know all the worst case scenarios in vivid detail. I won't go into the details of the things that went through my mind as I read your post because I don't want to frighten you. However, I am scared for you and for your children because if he won't talk about it to either you or to a counselor and acknowledge that there are issues in your relationship, then he evidently doesn't see anything wrong in what he is doing. Once again, I say, please take care of yourself and the girls. Let someone know what is happening and if you can. . . get out and make a wonderful life for you and those precious little ones.
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  #10  
October 18th, 2009, 08:30 PM
in_mommy's Avatar I am just me
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Please update and let us know that your ok!
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  #11  
October 18th, 2009, 09:42 PM
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have you considered counseling just for you?
talking usually helps.
Sorry if this sounds lame -
everyone deserves happiness
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  #12  
November 4th, 2009, 11:28 AM
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I know I'm not from this board, but I can say it does get worse from first hand experience when children are added. Mine started in on our son as well as me. People like them won't change/ can't be forced to change unless they want to.

I hope things are alright and that you and your children are safe/okay.

There are domestic violence shelters that will help you if you call and have openings.
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  #13  
January 15th, 2010, 03:37 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mom2anna View Post
All I can say is, you haven't left yet? How can you make love to a person who calls you aweful names like that and why are you having children with this man! You said he doesn't even try to control the outbursts and doesn't feel sorry for you when he makes you cry. That is abusive and having your children hear that is WRONG!! Do you want your daughters to think that is ok? do you want your daughter's to be with a man like that? Because that is what you are teaching them. Why are you pregnant with another child? You are saying that it's ok to bring children into this atmostphere. You need to get strong and take control over your life! I can only imagine what he says to those children when they cry.

Sorry but I don't understand why women allow this from their husbands....and subject children to them.
that's pretty harsh! We all have feelings for our spouses, it's no different for someone in a verbally abusive (or any type of abuse) relatoinship. Some men can change. Not all women need to go to a center and get help or move out. When you truly, truly love someone then it's not wrong to want to fix things and keep the marriage together. Nothing wrong with it at all and it can work out sometimes in a lot of situations. The abusive person just has to be willing to change.

I think there are a lot of great books out there to help you if you don't want to go outside the home and get help. You do need to talk to your husband when he is in a good mood about how he treats you. If you talk to him when he is in a good mood then that may help him work towards not being so mean when you get in to future arguments. I really hope it works out for you. I know what it's like to be in love with someone and when you have children with them that just makes it harder to leave them. You don't want to break up a family and you don't want to have to find another man in the future to help raise your children with another man. It can get so complicated. I just hope things get better for you.
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  #14  
January 21st, 2010, 02:32 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by homeschoolmom69 View Post
that's pretty harsh!
It's harsh because no one is standing up for the children! And that pisses me off!
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  #15  
January 21st, 2010, 05:11 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mom2anna View Post
It's harsh because no one is standing up for the children! And that pisses me off!
You don't know the full situation or what is going through her head. BTW... my mother put up with my father for a long time, because of ME. We had nowhere to go for years, this may be the case with her. There is only so far you can go with no money and a kid that needs support. My dad never hurt me, which is why my Mom put up with his crap for herself, because she knew I was still safe and needed a home. We eventually did leave and my Dad realized his ways and changed in some aspects, but it took a long long long time for us to be a family that respected one another. My parents are now friends for the sake of my sisters and I, my Mom remarried. But back when I was younger I blamed my Mom for leaving my Dad, because I thought we should be a family no matter what. But then there came a point that I realized that I was too young to understand the situation and what was going through my Moms head. As well as my Dads head.

Now looking back, I blame no one. Not even my Dad. Its because we are all happy now and where we should be in our lives. But the point of this all is that you don't know the situation, what is going on in her head, you don't know what is best for the children. Yes, she deserves better. Her children don't deserve to see their Mom belittled, BUT........... you don't know the situation. Neither do I. She may not understand it and really see the situation herself! That is what abuse does, it's not a clear cut line in which one sees right or wrong, or what is best or what is the worst... it's not something easily understood. You may look at it as an outsider and believe the answer is in front of her face and think she is a terrible mother for "not sticking up for the kids" or whatever your reasoning is.... but that just shows you don't understand her or her situation or abuse. The only time I can call it a black and white situation and the mother is in the wrong when children become the direct subjects of abuse. That is when the mother needs to get out right then and there and stand up for her children. But when it is mental abuse to the mother, thats when the line gets muddy. Thats when the mother has to see the ramifications of leaving, how they can leave, who they have for support, if its worth leaving a stable home just to leave her own mental anguish... it's different when the wife is the subject of abuse.

Im in no way saying that she shouldn't leave, because I think she should, but.... I don't think shes a horrible person or mother and do understand where she is coming from and sympathize with her. I think she has a lot to think about and needs to stand strong from where someone has mentally beat her down to nothing. I think she needs support to pick herself up and know she has support to do what will probably be the hardest thing in her life.... whatever decision that may be. I don't know her but have faith she will do what is best for her and the kids.

Anyways, sorry for going on a tangent, but you don't understand abuse, if you did you wouldn't say that comment at all.

As for the OP, please PM me anytime you need support. I don't know you but please trust you have an ear on my end and an open heart to help you in any way I can. I know you will do what is right for your family, but do know that you are a strong, independent, smart woman who can persevere if given the right tools and mindset to move on. I hope you can get those tools and make your life better, but more importantly... happier
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  #16  
January 22nd, 2010, 05:39 PM
Kalia20's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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While it may true that it was harsh, sometimes people NEED to hear things put bluntly.

True, we don't know the whole situation. No one can also say how a child affected is going to react when they are adults either. While one person may be able to look back and say, this is how it was, I understand why my mom stuck around, others may not, and could end up emotionally damaged because of the abuse and possibly end up in a similar relationship themselves. It goes along the lines of, we teach our children morals and responsibilities, but we can't control their emotions and personalities.

Not an easy situation to be in, thats forsure. Myself, I would have left at the beginning of the abuse. I have in the past infact. But thats me.
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