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Help/Advice Needed - Warning, long!


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  #1  
October 26th, 2009, 12:33 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 2,090
Okay, so I know this will be a long post, but I need some major advice on what to do about a relationship in my life. I'd appreciate anyone and everyones thoughts, maybe someone has been in this situation where they can help me out!

Okay, so I had a friend named H, we met right after I had my daughter, so it was nearly 6 years ago. I typically do not have real close girlfriends, but H and I hit it off well. We hung out a lot, we were there for each other, out families loved each other, my Mom thought of her as one of her own. She's a few years older than me (im 25 now, she's 31) she doesn't have kids but she was great with my kid. So all sounds great, right?

Well let's rewind to about a year and a half ago. She had broken up with her live in boyfriend, kicked him out, we hung out a lot and just got some girl-time in. She would hang out with my boyfriend and I as well, as they are close too. She was actually in the hospital when his son was born, as she was dating his old room mate. She has known my boyfriend even longer than I have, which I thought was great that they got along.

So H is single, but suddenly she says an old friend out of state is moving in with her. Kind of weird as we had never ever heard of him before. She says they want to start dating. OK, cool, but we thought it wasn't a good idea to just have him move in right away before they have established a relationship. She is an adult though and usually makes right decisions (although she tends to move fast in relationships.) He moves in and we friend each other on myspace. I sent him a message which says "You better be good to H! If you hurt her I'm going to kick your ***! " A total joking message, nothing threatening in any way. Because ya know, all 140 lbs of me is soooo threatening, lol!

But that's not the way he takes it (we will get to that in a sec.) Tony and I get into a fight and I am at the end of my wit, about to completely break down, so I call her and say I need some time away from Tony, could she come and meet up with me and we go get a beer? H and her boyfriend come down (his name is JP.) This is the first time I meet JP. He immediately rubs me the wrong way. You know those people that just make your skin crawl and you can't tell why... he was like that. I still tried to talk to him, include him in our convo. H goes to get a pitcher, and I ask JP about him, how he met H. Well she told me she knew him for a long time. He says "Oh we met online a couple weeks ago, I wanted to move so she said we should live together." Oooook? I raised my eyebrows at that, I thought it was weird she lied about them meeting. Another friend joins us that night, and he says the same thing, that he rubs him the wrong way and does not like him at all. But we are still nice to him.

So I go him, thinks die down with my boyfriend and I, life goes on. Well the more and more I hear about JP the more I just do NOT like him. He is controlling of my friend, she is changing into someone who is NOT like her at all. So one day we all are going to hang out, but Tony says JP is not welcome to come along because we were going to the bar where I originally met them at (our regular bar) and that night JP had done childish things like hide the pool balls, tried to tag the bathroom walls with a marker, was going into the girls bathroom, real real mature stuff. Our friend gets pissed and says she won't go without him. We say we aren't going to have some guy there that can't act as an adult. This makes her flip out. Tony flat out says he is not welcome in his house. He says he is cool to know him, but he doesn't want to be associated with JP and get in trouble.

So while I am on the phone with H, I hear JP say "F that little B, I'll go to her house and F her stuff up, F this" and carrying on and on. So I simply said "Hil, if you want to be with that kind of person who threatens your friends and talks to them like that, so be it, but I am not going to have you in my life with that kind of person around you." She and I try to talk things through, and I said in order for us to talk, I had to have an apology from her boyfriend. End of story. He refuses to say sorry, she thinks he doesn't need to. So this starts about 7-8 months of not talking to her, as I was standing up for myself.

Now we get to the crux of things... about a month ago she calls me, and instead of sending her calls to voicemail, I answer. She is crying and immediately says "I am so sorry, I can't believe what I have done to you, I am so sorry for destroying a friendship over him." She tells me how he is mentally abusive, how he is addicted to pain pills, how he belittles her, how he talks crap to me all the time, he ripped her from her friends... she came clean about everything. Her and I talk and I said of course I've missed her, we can work on things. She calls our friends and says sorry too. But as with all good things that seem too good to be true...... this doesn't last long.

The very next day, JP is back into her house. After he punched holes in the wall and is withdrawing from pills, she is back with him. I simply said "For one, I still deserve an apology. Two, if you are going to enable this behavior from him I simply can not watch, I refuse to be a part of your destruction." So this starts a major, major fight between us. She calls me to try to explain things, and in the process she calls my boyfriend and I horrible parents (when we are **** good parents) and tells me I should spend more time with my daughter than pawning her off on others. She is talking about last semester where I lived alone, daughter wasn't in daycare, and I was in school 4 days a week. I needed someone to watch her so for most of the week she stayed with my Mom an hour away. I don't have a job to pay childcare as Im in school, and I am trying to better myself with a degree. I couldn't believe she saw that as pawning Lily off on my Mom!

She then calls me a dyk*. Now I have a lesbian sister and take extreme offense to this. I am an extreme GLBT activist and do NOT stand for people calling anyone that. I am very tomboyish, very short hair, wear baggy pants, hoodies, yes I wear more typically boys clothes. But that still doesn't okay her actions. She says that she didn't mean to hurt me, but when her boyfriend is rambling on about how I look like a boy and she says "Oh whatever, you know you are a dyk* anyways" that IS meaning to hurt someone. She tells me how irresponsible Tony is. Right, a single father who has custody of his son, doesn't get child support, and would put himself in front of a train for his son is a bad father? F that! She starts talking crap about my mother, who has basically been a mother to her since H's mother died a few years ago. She doesn't deserve that either.

She then blocks me from contacting her on myspace. I call to ask her why, and she says it's because I only start drama with her relationship. Um, what? I said I am sticking up for myself, I deserve an apology. I don't like the guy, just a day previous she was crying about how wrong she was, and then the next day she is back with this guy who treats her like crap, as well as her friends?

So this is when I start calling friends to see if they see the same stuff I do. Every single one of our friends agrees with me, she is in an abusive relationship, she is hurting her friends, she is self destructing by being in this relationship, we miss our old friend. I can't even count one friend that is supportive of her relationship. Everyone cut ties again because they refuse to enable her actions with someone who is clearly destroying the good person she was. So I block her from contacting me in every way, all social networking sites, the phone, instant messenger, everything.

So then I get a call yesterday, her accusing me of contacting her friends and family on her facebook and telling them about JP. I never did this. Someone else must have. She says I only start drama and she had to cut me out of her life because I hurt her by starting drama. This is where I flip and almost start crying, and said "Hurt you? What about you hurting me, you cut me out of your life, you allowed your boyfriend to threaten me, you talked crap to my Mother who was like a second mother to you, you called me a dyk* fully knowing my sister is lesbian, you called me a bad parent, you hurt my boyfriend, you went back to a guy who is hurting you and think he is more important than a 6 year friendship, yet I hurt you? WHO HURT WHO?!?!?" And she then hung up on me. She got a new phone number so I blocked that one too.

So here is where I want advice.... like what do I do.... I really think her boyfriend is destroying who she is, everyone sees it. EVERYONE! Do I contact her father and tell him about her boyfriend living there (he thinks he isn't living there) tell him what H is doing, do I write her and try to explain myself? Ask her why she is hurting all of her friends so bad... just what do I do? It kills me to think how close we were and her destroy it for this guy. It hurts sooooo badly to think of all we have gone through and our friendship be thrown away for nothing. For a guy who treats her and her friends like crap. I just don't understand it.

From this fight I became incredibly close to 2 girls who she also hurt, they are my best friends to the end. But we all got hurt from a girl who was our best friend. We do not understand what is going through her head and making her think it's okay to hurt us so badly. So Im just lost... I have no idea what to do and what I should do. Part of me thinks to just let it go, but part of me wants answers, I never did anything wrong.

Blah. This whole situation SUCKS.

Thanks for reading my novel, I know it's been long
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  #2  
October 26th, 2009, 04:27 PM
Veteran
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Southern California
Posts: 389
My advice, leave it alone. Let it go. She is an adult who can make her own decisions. It is NOT your job to save her from herself and her boyfriend. And you need to stop gossiping about it and inquiring to your friends on what they think about the girls relationship with her boyfriend. You need to stop calling her and asking her why she blocked you from facebook or whatever. You need to not stay on the phone with her long enough for her to say all those nasty things to you. Why didn't you hang up. The less power you give to someone to insult you, the less you have to endure. You could have prevented yourself from hearing all those nasty things she said if you had simply hung up after the first insult. Then you wouldn't be so upset.

You are creating just as much drama as she is with the back and forth conversations and arguements. You need to gracefully back off and stop talking about her or to her. Focus on your own relationship with your boyfriend and concentrate on your child(ren) and do something positive with your time. You are spending way to much time engaged with this stupid drama. She can do what she wants and so you need to leave it alone and don't allow the drama in your life. Simply back off and if later down the road she has let this BF go and needs the support of someone, be there. But don't feed into the drama. Stop contacting her and if you take her calls, simply say I cannot stay on the phone if we are going to sling mud.

Someone needs to be the better person here and have to have a little integrity. You need to cut if off when it's no good and be there if she truly needs you some day.

But until then, it's not your place to save her or tell her what she needs to do. She chose this guy and it seems that all the crap he has said to her belittling her and such, she has turned around and lashed out the same way to her friends. Sounds very sad. The more he influences her negitively, she will turn that towards anyone that tries to help her. She will become what he is. And since you don't want to be around him, then you won't want to be around her.

But this back and forth drama I am reading, sounds so much like high school. Be the adult here since she is unable to at this time.

Look friends come and go, it's life and it's circumstances. Just go on with your life and don't stress over it. Good luck!
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  #3  
October 26th, 2009, 05:03 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 2,090
For one, I have stopped calling her. She is blocked from calling me, and calling her to ask why I was taken off her friends list when she was supposedly reconciling things with me and others isn't instigating more drama... it's asking why she asked for help only to throw me to the wind and get with a guy who mentally abuses her. I haven't contacted her, as I said in the post I deleted her from contacting me, we didn't talk for ages, until she called me to say she was sorry. I hadn't contacted her, she called me the other day to yell at me. I had not contacted her online nor had I contacted on the phone for nearly a year before a month ago, and since that fight, had not contacted her. So Im not sure where you are getting the point that I am messaging her.... when she is the one contacting me?

You're right, she can do what she wants, and I never said she couldn't. I just said it's sad that such a once important person in my life is destroying herself, and our friends talking about the situation isnt gossiping or anything. Wondering what we can do about a friend who is very unhappy, said he is mentally abusive, and then the very next day, not even 12 hours after we last talked, is suddenly "happy" again is a giant warning sign. My friends and I are not the type to sit back and say "Oh our friend is getting mentally abused and she might hurt herself. Oh well. Whats for dinner tonight?!" No, we show we care.

If we didn't care we wouldn't be worried. We wouldn't be hurting over this. We wouldn't be washing our hands of the situation, yet hoping she doesn't hurt herself or get hurt by him.

Maybe you should reread my post... and see none of us are contacting her (in fact we are blocking her, and she is the one contacting us from a new number), it's not like we sit around and go "Oh gee, lets see what we can ***** about today" its us calling each other because our friend is in very real trouble, shows major signs of being in an abusive relationship, and we don't want her hurt. That's not called involving ourselves in drama, its called watching out for a friend that is in trouble.
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  #4  
February 13th, 2010, 01:44 PM
maddie02's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 1,319
Quote:
Originally Posted by mom2anna View Post
My advice, leave it alone. Let it go. She is an adult who can make her own decisions. It is NOT your job to save her from herself and her boyfriend. And you need to stop gossiping about it and inquiring to your friends on what they think about the girls relationship with her boyfriend. You need to stop calling her and asking her why she blocked you from facebook or whatever. You need to not stay on the phone with her long enough for her to say all those nasty things to you. Why didn't you hang up. The less power you give to someone to insult you, the less you have to endure. You could have prevented yourself from hearing all those nasty things she said if you had simply hung up after the first insult. Then you wouldn't be so upset.

You are creating just as much drama as she is with the back and forth conversations and arguements. You need to gracefully back off and stop talking about her or to her. Focus on your own relationship with your boyfriend and concentrate on your child(ren) and do something positive with your time. You are spending way to much time engaged with this stupid drama. She can do what she wants and so you need to leave it alone and don't allow the drama in your life. Simply back off and if later down the road she has let this BF go and needs the support of someone, be there. But don't feed into the drama. Stop contacting her and if you take her calls, simply say I cannot stay on the phone if we are going to sling mud.

Someone needs to be the better person here and have to have a little integrity. You need to cut if off when it's no good and be there if she truly needs you some day.

But until then, it's not your place to save her or tell her what she needs to do. She chose this guy and it seems that all the crap he has said to her belittling her and such, she has turned around and lashed out the same way to her friends. Sounds very sad. The more he influences her negitively, she will turn that towards anyone that tries to help her. She will become what he is. And since you don't want to be around him, then you won't want to be around her.

But this back and forth drama I am reading, sounds so much like high school. Be the adult here since she is unable to at this time.

Look friends come and go, it's life and it's circumstances. Just go on with your life and don't stress over it. Good luck!

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  #5  
May 5th, 2010, 09:25 AM
ashbbrunton's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Lafayette, IN
Posts: 2,202
Quote:
Originally Posted by mom2anna View Post
My advice, leave it alone. Let it go. She is an adult who can make her own decisions. It is NOT your job to save her from herself and her boyfriend. And you need to stop gossiping about it and inquiring to your friends on what they think about the girls relationship with her boyfriend. You need to stop calling her and asking her why she blocked you from facebook or whatever. You need to not stay on the phone with her long enough for her to say all those nasty things to you. Why didn't you hang up. The less power you give to someone to insult you, the less you have to endure. You could have prevented yourself from hearing all those nasty things she said if you had simply hung up after the first insult. Then you wouldn't be so upset.

You are creating just as much drama as she is with the back and forth conversations and arguements. You need to gracefully back off and stop talking about her or to her. Focus on your own relationship with your boyfriend and concentrate on your child(ren) and do something positive with your time. You are spending way to much time engaged with this stupid drama. She can do what she wants and so you need to leave it alone and don't allow the drama in your life. Simply back off and if later down the road she has let this BF go and needs the support of someone, be there. But don't feed into the drama. Stop contacting her and if you take her calls, simply say I cannot stay on the phone if we are going to sling mud.

Someone needs to be the better person here and have to have a little integrity. You need to cut if off when it's no good and be there if she truly needs you some day.

But until then, it's not your place to save her or tell her what she needs to do. She chose this guy and it seems that all the crap he has said to her belittling her and such, she has turned around and lashed out the same way to her friends. Sounds very sad. The more he influences her negitively, she will turn that towards anyone that tries to help her. She will become what he is. And since you don't want to be around him, then you won't want to be around her.

But this back and forth drama I am reading, sounds so much like high school. Be the adult here since she is unable to at this time.

Look friends come and go, it's life and it's circumstances. Just go on with your life and don't stress over it. Good luck!
as well....it's my first time on this board and this might be a bad one to jump in on, but you asked for advice and then when someone gives it you get defensive. momma2anna was stating her opinion in the situation which I feel is what you wanted, just not what you wanted to hear. I feel bad that your friendship is on the rocks, but you can only do so much to help a person that isn't trying to help themself. I feel like you have done all you can do and now you just have to wash your hands of the situation until she is truly ready to work things out, then you can be there for her and put the past behind. IF/When that day comes, forget everything that happened in the past, forget the apology from her BF b\c you won't get that and who cares...you'll be the bigger person. Hope I haven't offended you
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