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My In-law vent..


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  #1  
April 5th, 2006, 11:23 AM
Deena's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: British Columbia
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I wrote this the other day, because I was serioulsy frustrated, and PO'd, and had to find some way to vent, and let me DH know how I feel. He's pretty supportive of how I feel, and basically feels the same way, but can't stand up to his parents at all...

here goes. .. it kinda rambles, bear with me!

I don't know why I feel guilty to want to hold my son when we're around other family members, but I do. I don't know why I feel guilty for wanting to keep him at our house every night, and not hand him over to grandparents, but I do. I wish I didn't have to feel so alone on this! I feel like a ###### when mom and dad (in laws)make comments about the carseat they bought (don't know why the heck they did this), and taking him, but I shouldn't have to. He's OUR son. I had him to enjoy him. I know he is loved by other family members, but he is not THEIR baby, he is OUR baby. They HAD their babies, 3 of them! I don't want to be told what they will do with our baby, plans for the summer, taking him for walks without asking me first... I don't want to feel scrutinized for still wanting to be around my baby when they are holding him. I LOVE being around my son, and if I'm not holding him, I want to be near him, so I don't miss a thing! I don't want to be told about cute little things he is doing, I want to SEE them with my own eyes! Call me selfish, but he is MY son!

I get depressed and stressed when I know we will be around people that just take him from me without a question, without any thought other than the fact that I get to be around him all the time, and now it is "Their turn". It should always be "MY turn". I should be able to at least hand him over as though I HAVE a choice. I will always choose to hand him over to loving family members, but at least let me feel as though I have a LITTLE bit of control!

I feel like if I need to ask for help or something, it will be seen as weakness, and an open invitation to take him when they want. I can't stand to be away from him for more than a couple of hours!
I feel like since they've (very very graciously) helped us out with so much (financially), they may feel like he is "bought and paid for". James is worth more than all the money in the world!!!
I feel so alone, like I'm being un-reasonable. I can't speak up, I don't want to hurt anyones feelings, but I can't stand how I feel!!!


So that's it. The thing is, the second we're around my in-laws, they come and take his carseat. Whether he's awake or not. They make comments about how of course it's their turn, I see him all the time. SO WHAT???? They constantly make remarks about how they'd like to take him overnight, to which I've said NO way, I'm not ready, not for a year probably! They went out and bought a CARSEAT! DH and I have no idea why the hell they did that, since we have never let them even have the inkling that they'd need one. If there was an emergency, they could use OURS... They drive by our house every day after work, and MIL always says how hard it is to not drive into our driveway to see him... I keep telling her, "Go ahead, just please call first in case we're napping"... It makes me feel like she doesn't come here because of me. I've always been very very nice to them. I even let them take him to church one day (the only time I've been away from him)... We dropped him off at the church just before it started, and got him right after... Now they make comments about people asking when he'll be there again. I told them that I knew they'd want to show him off when he's new, and I don't blame them... But they have to understand, it was a one time thing. Plus I don't want my son going to church, because he needs to make that choice on his own when he's older..

We met them the other day at the beach, and FIL was holding DS, the ENTIRE time.. near the time it was to go home, he said to James, "Oh, I was supposed to take you for a walk!".. I had no clue about this! We put James in his carseat on his stroller, to walk to the cars, and I started to push stroller towards the car, and FIL pushed me out of the way (not hard) and said "I want to push him"...

It's behaviour like this that makes me not want to see them at all.. I used to stop by with James at their shop (work), to say hi and stuff, but I won't anymore. If they want to act like they never see him, then they'll only see him when need be. I just don't know what to do!!!!

When their granddaughter was a baby (she's 6 now, and lives with them with her dad and their half sister and brother, not biologically any relation to the dad, but he has custody of them)... their mom was insane, and never wanted to have her baby with her... so they constantly had her! They were totally spoiled, and keep making comments on how "I guess it'll be different this time..."... well YEAH!! I CARE about my son, and I want him around all the time!

We tried 8 years to get pregnant, I'm very sensitive about my time with James. I am sooo greatful we have him, and I don't want to miss a THING..

Ok, I'll stop here, I'm sure I'll be back for more.. I think DH is getting sick of listening to me, and I have no one else to vent to...*sigh* Thanks for listening
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  #2  
April 5th, 2006, 12:05 PM
in_mommy's Avatar I am just me
Join Date: Mar 2004
Posts: 14,873
They need to get a grip!! This baby is just barely over a month old!! They should know that a baby that little needs to be with his/her mommy & daddy. I never let me kids spend the night with grandparents when they were that little. I know DD was a not quite 1 before we let her spend the night, even then it was just the night and I was right there the next morning to see her. Your DH needs to step up to the plate and set those boundaries with them! I cant believe he agrees with you, but wont do anything, well actually I can, sounds like my DH!! My kids have NEVER spent the night with the in-laws, and NEVER will!!! Start locking your door if she can not respect you enough to call first and just barges in. If you have a door bell, disconnect it. Change the locks if you have to. This is your child and if you dont want them to take him, then you have every right to tell them that they need to wait until your ready.

((((HUGS))))

By the way, welcome to the venting room!!! Stop by more often and let us know how you are doing and keep us updated!
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  #3  
April 5th, 2006, 04:04 PM
Twinkle's Avatar Platinum Super Mommy
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: New York
Posts: 57,412
Reading your story reminds me of my own inlaws... exactly!!! I am constantly getting a guilt trip from them and made to feel like crap. I don't let anyone drive my daughter around (and she is nearly 2)! They bought a carseat for her as well, but never used it. If they want to babysit, they do so at our home, not at theirs. I will say that Lily does spend the night at their home occasionally, but that wasn't until she was over 1 years old, and its only been like 4 or 5 times tops. I want to enjoy my daughter, I certainly don't want to feel like I"m missing out. I want dh and I to be her biggest influences. Not anyone else!!!!! I am happy her grandparents want to be so involved, but there is a fine line between being involved and being overbearing. It sounds like my inlaws and your inlaws have definitely crossed that line.

I want you to know you are definitely not alone. Stick to your guns and eventually they will get the idea. Definitely include them and invite them over lots, but make sure that line is drawn.

Good Luck!
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  #4  
April 5th, 2006, 05:37 PM
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Wow! My DD is about 16 months old, and she has only been away from me overnight once, cuz I was in the hospital. I mean I hate letting her out of my site, and I always will. My parents were the only ppl who babysat her for the first like 9 months of her life, and they only did it once or twice when my DH and I went out on a date. My FIL has watched her once for a few hours when she was about 10 months old, and that will never happen again. My MIL has never babysat her, but keeps wanting to. She lives like 2 hours away though, so it's easier to make reasons for saying no to her. I am already dreading someone watching her while I'm in labor this time around, and she'll be about 20 months old by then. Ppl call me overprotective, but I call myself smart. I want to know that my kids are being taken care of, and I take care of them the best. I really think that your inlaws are a bit out of bounds with how they are acting. They aren't the parents, you are. Just let them know how you feel, or avoid them whenever they get too grabby. I dunno what to really tell you other than that. Good luck!!
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  #5  
April 6th, 2006, 09:53 AM
steph1989's Avatar Super Mommy
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You have no reason to feel guilty in any way. He is your baby and you do as YOU please. What your in-laws want is not important here. What matters is what you and DH want. Your baby is so special to you and why shouldn't you want to enjoy every minute with him, and why shouldn't you not want to share him so much. That is sooooo normal. Who says that when you have visitors that you have to pass him around to others if you are not comfortable with it...........MIL or no MIL. No, it's not their turn when they visit you.......It's ALWAYS your turn......remember that. We are not playing a game here......there is no such thing as taking turns here...your baby is not a puppet that it's their Turn to play with him. That does not fly well with me.

I have similar feelings towards my in-laws. Before I had my son and also while I was pregnant they were not ever concerned about me. My MIL would never call me to see how I was. I had a high risk pregnancy and practically on bedrest and these people never offered to help us with any meals or laundry or anything. Only towards the very end of my pregnancy did FIL make 2 meals to give to us because my DH told them that whatever they can do to help us would be appreciated. MIL never offered to help us out for anything.

We moved near a shopping strip in September, so MIL thought that when they were out shopping that they can just pop in anytime they wanted. Oh, not to help us, but to look at the progress of our home(she's very nosey and gossipy). When she came in she knew that I was upstairs in bed resting and not feeling well, and did she offer to help us in any way........no way, she just wanted to know our business and then leave after 10 minutes of talking to DH. They popped in 4 times and then I put a stop to it. I told DH that I did not want them popping in whenever they wanted and I new that if this continued, it probably would get worse after I had my baby. Mind you, I was 7 months pregnant and we were having our home renevated. Our kitchen was completely gutted and I was on bedrest. Do you think that they would think of offering us some help? NO!

They are cold people and I feel very awkward around them. Anyway, once my baby was born they thought that they could come whenever they wanted. I was clear to MIL that she needs to call first. And, she wouldn't ask if she could come visit, she would just say that she was in the area and she was coming over. She didin't like that I told her to call first, because she never ever calls me to see how I am or to see if she can visit. She calls DH and she gets an attitude if DH tells her it's not a good time.

Anyway, I was feeling guilty that I wasn't letting them come to visit too often, but thinking about it.......I have no reason to feel guilty. The reason why I keep them distant is because of how they are with me.....cold. They have never treated me like a daughter-in-law....more like a stranger. They have turned me off to them and away from them. I don't feel the way I do about them for the hell of it.......they have made me feel this way about them.

My MIL thought that once the baby was born that she would decide when she saw him and when and who would see him in her family. She thought that she could control the situation......She didn't like it that I wasn't in on it with her plan. This is my life, my baby and she has to follow MY plans, not hers. There is no plan for her. She will see him when it is good for me and DH and I refuse to leave my baby with them, forget about overnight. I will never allow my son to sleep there overnight......even when he gets older.

Like you said, this is MY baby and I have earned to enjoy every minute with my baby........MY MIL had her turn when she had her 2 kids......not it's my turn. I am also very sensitive with time with my son. I am 42 years old and I did not have any easy time conceiving....and then losing babies......it was very difficult.

So, don't feel guilty in any way..........you are certainly not selfish for wanting your baby to yourself....God, you carried this baby for 9 months and you gave birth to him.....you are Mama to him and you make sure that whatever it is you decide to do that you are comfortable with it and if you are not comfortable with these people overstepping their boundaries...well you need to make that clear to them. You do not need to worry about hurting their feelings. Just because they are grandparents, that does not give them a license to come and take over. NO WAY!

Anyway, if you need support and I know I do at times, please feel free to PM me. It sounds like we feel similar in certain ways about our in-laws, which I actually call "Out-laws" LOL.

Take care.
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  #6  
April 10th, 2006, 06:31 AM
ericalaurel's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Girl, you KNOW how I feel about my MIL. I have already made it abundantly clear to her that we will NOT be spending the night at their house when we visit, not for a long time, until we all feel comfortable with staying in a strange place with our baby. I sent this to her in an e-mail, so she knew...well what does she do? Tells DH on Sunday that we are "welcome to spend the night". She knew how I felt, and tried to go over my head with him.

Why do our parents become so ridiculous when our babies are born? I guess it makes sense to some degree-I can't imagine how exciting it is to be a grandparent. However, DH's parents are acting very ridiculous around you. I CANNOT believe that your FIL pushed you out of the way!!!!! They need to understand that you have rules, and YOU are the mother. What you say GOES. PERIOD. Your baby is your right and your responsibility. As grandparents, they do NOT have rights to your child. I know all grandparents seem to think this, but they are wrong. Legally, and in every other way, they do not have the "right" to see your child. It's a privilege that we as parents bestow on them because we love them. I am making it very clear through my actions that if my MIL plans on seeing Lanie, that she will behave in a manner that we deem appropriate-there will be none of this "I want to see her so you all need to come visit me now." If she does, she won't be seeing my child. PERIOD. She sure as heck won't be picking her up without asking me first. Invest in a sling, and wear him. That way they CAN'T pick him up without asking you!!!!

ARGH!!!! I hate in-laws. I know that's a bad word to use but I really do-at least when it comes to my needy, clingy MIL. Anyway, sorry this became a rant about me, but I was trying to explain that you aren't alone, and that it's ok for you to set some boundaries. What's great is that your DH is in agreement with you on this-so if you tell MIL (nicely, but firmly) that you do not feel comfortable with your son spending the night or being alone with other family members, he will not get angry with you. As uncomfortable as it is, it does have to be done or you will wind up being miserable for YEARS, and she isn't worth that. I hate having to be the backbone toward MIL too, but I do have to do that job, because my DH won't stand up to his clingy mother either. What is it with sons and thier moms? I think our generation will be much different when our children grow up and get married-it's funny, but seeing my MIL makes me adamant about not being "that kind" of MIL when Lanie gets married. I'll bet you are the same way too!!!

Anyway...I don't know if you read the thread in this forum about "boundary setting"...but it's really good. I used some of those examples early on in my marriage, and because I did that...even though my MIL can't stand it, she does for the most part follow them now. That, and she's afraid of me after I went off on her while I was preggers. She's started calling a bit more than she should be too, but if it becomes an issue, she will be getting another phone call from me about it.

Bottom line-this is YOUR family. Your child and your DH don't belong to her. She obviously doesn't get the concept that he married you, and you all became your own family. My DH doesn't get this, but as time goes by he's understanding that he has to seperate himself more from her. Hopefully the more you stick to your guns, the more she'll understand that you aren't a pushover, and things will get better.

Take care sweetie--PM me if you need to vent about them. I sure do love this forum!!!

Hugs,
Erica
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  #7  
April 12th, 2006, 11:30 AM
Deena's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Quote:
Girl, you KNOW how I feel about my MIL.

ARGH!!!! I hate in-laws. Take care sweetie--PM me if you need to vent about them. I sure do love this forum!!!

Hugs,
Erica[/b]
LOL that was a great reply.. I know how you feel, I was actually wondering how you were doing with your in-laws...

I asked DH the other day if he'd said something to his parents about how I feel, because it's like suddenly they've started to understand ... and have stepped back a tiny bit. We went out for dinner with them the other night for my BIL's birthday, and we sat James by us at the table,... no one came to take him from us! When he started fussing, when we were all eating I picked him up and he sat with me while I ate. After that, when BIL was done eating, I handed James over to him, because he too never gets to hold him, his parents usually do... so he was happy, and so was I... LOL

Of course, after dinner, when we went to their house for cake and ice cream, I took James out of his carseat, and laid him on their floor on a blanket, and MIL said it would feel good for him to lay there since he was held so much during the day... Everyone was like, "What are you talking about?? he wasn't held much!"... She meant at dinner I think. The only reason she'd say anything is because it wasn't HER holding him. Even on a good day, it's like she has to get her tiny little digs in there.

But honestly, they have been a bit better. We went to a funeral last week with them, (an older relative had died) and James sat between DH and I... there was no mention of them holding him.. it was incredible!! Maybe they found this board and read it, and realized this thread was about them ... course my siggy would help verify that.. LOL!!


Thanks for all the replies tho.. I LOVE coming here and having somewhere to vent. Of course, the only time I have to post at all, I need to use to vent, but at least I have that..


*EDITED to add that I have a baby carrier, but he hates it!! He cries when I put him in it.. I probably got it too late, didn't have it when he was a newborn. He likes to be freeeee and looking around. Maybe when I can carry him in it front facing it'll be different, but right now he just cries..
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  #8  
April 12th, 2006, 11:56 AM
in_mommy's Avatar I am just me
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Wow, that is great to hear that they are getting the point!! Hopefully it stays that way!!!
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