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  #1  
January 7th, 2010, 06:13 PM
MelibearMom's Avatar Melissa--expecting #4!!
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As in, World of Warcraft--the marriage killer.

My husband has an addiction and I REALLY need to vent tonight!! He has always been into games, but I didn't know how much until I married him. He can spend hours playing!! I started getting frustrated when DD was born. He doesn't help out! Instead he plays his stupid game and expects me to ASK him for help if I need it!!!! I watch kids during the week and it can get pretty stressful at times (I don't love it, but do it for the money). Well, today is my day of having the most kids. My 4yr. old and 2 yr. old plus a 3 yr. old, and 2 1 yr. olds. IT IS STRESSFUL!! And what has DH done ALL day? He sits at our kitchen table to "help" and plays his game the ENTIRE day!!!!!! Seriously, the only time I have seen him get up is when we had an arguement--he was mad that chaos was happening and yelled at me for not asking for help so he mad lunch (first time ever), and when he took a shower. I am FURIOUS! Why can't I have a husband that will help out and SEE that I need help!! I shouldn't have to ASK for it, should I? Plus, when I do ask he is usually all put off...."Ugh, you're timing is terrible, I'm right in the middle of killing this guy." or he acts like I asked him to do the hardest thing in the world. So, why would I ask?

I hate fighting with him cause he always brings up the "no one loves me" "i have no one to talk to" pity stuff. He somehow turns it all around to make ME feel guilty. And, I'm not good with comebacks, so I just sit and take it.

To give him a TINY bit a credit, he HAS been working 9-9 for 9 days straight and switching to night shift in the middle. Today was his 2nd day off. I guess I just can't imagine sitting there for 12 hours playing a stupid game while your wife does EVERYTHING. We have SO much around our house that needs to be fixed. It takes him forever, sometimes never, to do things he SAYS he will do. If our marriage fails it will be because of this. Thanks for listening.
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  #2  
January 8th, 2010, 03:58 PM
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That sad part is, is that all that time he is spending on the game, he could be spending with his kids. You should bring that up to him. He is missing out on raising the children he brought into this world. Why did he have kids if he isn't going to invest in them?

I'm blessed that my DH lives for my DD. We only have 1 child, but he lives for her. He comes home from work and all he thinks about is being with her. She is the light of his life. That is true love right there and all men should have that same feeling for their kids. It's why we have them in the first place, not just to poplulate the world.

By the way, my DH works 11 hour days, 5 days a week. He still get up at 7, gets DD up for school and gets her ready and fed. He takes her to school and goes to work at 9am just so he has that little extra time with her. He doesn't get home until 7 ish. He works a very physical job and still wants to come home and play with her and even gets upset that his time is limited because of his job. There is no excuse by how much time they work, just means there is that much less time they need to make up for with their kids. There is no downtime unless they are off and kids are in school or when they turn 18.
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  #3  
January 8th, 2010, 08:46 PM
MelibearMom's Avatar Melissa--expecting #4!!
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That's the funny thing. He will complain about missing the kids and gets REALLY sad if he doesn't see them at all during the day (leaving before they are up and getting home after they are asleep). When DD has sleepovers at my mom's he complains that he wants to see her and he misses her, but when he IS home with the kids he plays with them for about 10 min. and then sits at the computer. He parents from there. I do all the physical work while he tells them what to do from the chair. Pathetic!! When he DOES help out he is great, and when he DOES play with them he is great! I just wish he could be great ALL the time. I know I'm not perfect either, but I feel like I do everything and just want a little help sometimes. Thanks for listening. It's so much better venting here than calling my mom.

Should I have to ask him for help or do you think he should see what needs to be done and offer?
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  #4  
January 9th, 2010, 10:52 AM
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Well if he actually helps when you ask him... thats better than my DH! Mine isn't addicted anymore fortunately, but he used to be hooked on a game called dark age of camelot which is really similar to WOW. When he was hooked he was useless, depressed, unmotivated. Played all the time. He really didn't get off of it till I got pregnant with dd, it was his wake up call. Now he plays video games occasionally and when he does he is so absorbed in them that even if I ask for help I'm not getting it.
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  #5  
January 9th, 2010, 03:15 PM
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I was the one in my family hooked on WOW. I started playing last Feb before DH & I got married and stopped playing at the end of November. I left my job to marry & move with him & haven't been able to find another one yet. I had time paid up until then and won't ask him to pay for my WOW fix. I freely admit now that I played WAY too much and was very depressed towards the end. Part of it was not being able to find a job and some other issues. DH said playing made me more depressed but I saw it as helping b/c it took my mind off of everything. I can vouch that it does take time to accomplish stuff in game though. An hour can pass and you'll think it's only like 20 min or something. Does he raid? That can take a really long time too. I'm glad I didn't get that much into it with raiding. I believe it really is an addiction though. At least it was for me. DH was nice in the way he approached it with me but I know it bugged him. My DH can limit his time playing but I have a very hard time doing so. The only problem now is that I'm online all the time since I quit

Have you ever heard of the book "Don't sweat the small stuff in love"? No, I'm not telling you that this is small stuff at all. You have a legitimate gripe. I like the book because it teaches you ways of approaching your mate without it turning into a fight. Both of you guys have a right to have interests and sometimes one person has to compromise and vise versa. BTW, I totally agree that the way it is right now isn't working and that he needs to spend more time with the kids. That being said this is what I'd do with my DH if the tables were turned and it had been him with the WOW addiction rather than me.

I'd plan a time where you guys are having dinner alone or something if at all possible. Tell him that you would like to have a heart to heart talk with him. Let him know that mean you want to discuss your feelings and that it WILL NOT turn into nagging on your part or a fight and you'd love it if he will be open minded and listen for a specified period of time. Make sure that you stick to the 5 min or whatever and from that point on only listen to what he says. Don't go back and defend yourself or your points. Listen openly to what he has to say too. Frame everything in "This is how it makes me feel when you..." not "You're not doing this, I hate when you do this, You should..." KWIM?

I realize it sounds like a bunch of crap but this framework for discussion has helped me out a lot.

Tell him that you understand that he enjoys the game and you support him in being able to play it. You'll have to mean it if you say it. That you can understand him needing an outlet to be able to relax especially considering all the hours he has been working. You'll want to let him know you appreciate what he's doing too. Tell him that you don't want him to quit the game, however that you feel frustrated with the way things are currently going between the two of you where caretaking of the children is concerned. Tell him VERY CALMLY that you would like to work things out so that both of you are happy and feel that your needs are being met. That you are in now way trying to pull him from something that he so clearly enjoys. Maybe you guys can make it more scheduled so that both of you get kid free relaxing time. Perhaps, there can be certain times of day on his off days that playing is off limits and certain times when he can play that both of you agree on. For instance, the 4 hour period around dinner to kids bedtime is off limits for playing. Maybe sometime between dinner and kids bedtime could be your free time and he could watch them for you to do something you enjoy. It sounds like you have a pretty busy workday also with all of the kids. If he works 12 hour days it sounds like he isn't able to play much except on his off days. I'm not sure if you are referring to him helping you with your children or with the "daycare" kids too above. Maybe he can have set times in the morning on offdays where he can play with no pressure to help. He does need to be helping you take care of you guys kids. I used to play while the kids were at school or after they had gone to bed. Try to reassure him that you love him and you appreciate his contribution. Let him know that you appreciate him being willing to listen openly to what you have to say.

After you have your 5 min sit back and just listen without defending yourself. Remain calm and use a low voice throughout and he probably won't start whining and turning into an argument. Really try to listen with an open mind to his side too. He will probably continue the discussion but let it go for the time being if he doesn't or changes the subject. A few days later you can ask if he's thought any more about what you said.

The most important thing is to try to do it in a way where he doesn't feel that he's being attacked or nagged. I'm not taking his side b/c I was hooked on WOW and I know it may sound like it from what I'm saying. The most important thing is not who is right or who is wrong & getting the other person to admit it. The most important thing is that you guys can compromsie so that both of your needs are being met fairly. I know it's just a stupid game but it isn't to him. To him it's important.

OK, played Devils Advocate. I await people telling me I'm wrong or whatever.
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  #6  
January 10th, 2010, 11:53 AM
Kalia20's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I agree that WOW is an addiction. I've lost many friends to it. Not an easy situation to be in with kids.
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  #7  
January 11th, 2010, 06:02 PM
in_mommy's Avatar I am just me
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(((HUGS))) Sorry your going through this!! I have seen on here several others who have had the same issue with WOW. Have you tried talking to him about it when you are both in a good calm mood?
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  #8  
January 11th, 2010, 09:40 PM
MelibearMom's Avatar Melissa--expecting #4!!
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I have tried talking to him about it. He thinks that I want him to constantly be working, if be at work or around the house. And that's not true of course. I just want him to find something to do that isn't so time consuming and that he can stop doing the second I ask. If I ask him to do something he has to wait until he is in a good spot and won't die. So, unfortunately those things I ask don't get done because then he forgets. (Like tonight. Asked him to move the Pack n Play for me, he said "okay" and then left for work. It's in the same spot.)

I practically had to force him to get off to fix our dishwasher today. It ended in a HUGE fight, but hey, my dishwasher is fixed. He has times where he will stop playing and things are so great, but then he just gets back into it. I tell him he can only play when the kids are asleep, but that doesn't happen either. And, if it does then he just sits and watches tv with a gruge and tunes us all out anyway! It's a loose, loose situation. I know it's his outlet, his stress reliever, and social network, but I hate it!!! And, I think he doesn't talk to me as much cause he has all those people to talk to. I wish I could just call and cancel it, but I know he would throw a huge fit. For some reason I'm so scared to make him mad. I know he would never leave me, but I'm afraid of that. Ugh, anyway, thanks for the input ladies.
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  #9  
January 12th, 2010, 07:14 PM
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I definitely know how you feel. My ex-husband got laid off from his job and started playing video games. He would play them all night long and I would go to bed alone and wake up to find him still sitting there in his "zone" playing the same game. It blew my mind. He wouldn't talk to me or anything. I know that he was depressed about his job and me having to support us both, but it seemed like he could have been looking for a job and he wasn't going to find one playing Star Wars or Oblivion. Eventually our marriage fell apart. We just wanted different things I guess. BUT we didn't have children, so that opens a whole other can of worms so to speak. I hope that he comes around and understands your feelings. I definitely know how it feels to feel second to a video game. It really sucks and I feel for you.
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  #10  
January 12th, 2010, 07:26 PM
MelibearMom's Avatar Melissa--expecting #4!!
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Well, we talked it over last night. He knows he has been a bit excessive lately. This is always how it goes though. We have a big fight, it gets better, then slowly gets worse until we fight again. *sigh* So, for now things are okay. He also has ADD so it's really hard for him to multi-task at all. Even with kids. He can't even mow the lawn with kids out there cause he says he can't watch them and mow at the same time!! I seriously don't understand it, but I guess it's how his mind works.

Anyway, we are good right now, but it was nice to vent. I've been super moody this week and I'm secretly hoping it's cause I'm pg. I'm going to try to ask for help more often, but I did tell him that he needs to jump in and help.

I'm sure I'll be back again, but thanks for now.
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  #11  
January 12th, 2010, 09:51 PM
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I agree with Ka-dinh!

I had to resort to setting a timer on my husband. Before our younger son was born, I took our pre-schooler out for the day and left him wiht a list. I got back after 5 hours of being gone.....he hadn't moved from the computer other than to pee or get something to eat. Never realized the time.

The other thing about WOW is that it's not like an xBox or PS, you can't pause. I'm so tired of hearing "let me just get to a safe place".

And I about dropped my jaw when my son said to me "i'm just checking something" when I told him it was time to get off teh computer!

You're not alone!
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  #12  
January 12th, 2010, 10:08 PM
MelibearMom's Avatar Melissa--expecting #4!!
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Quote:
I'm so tired of hearing "let me just get to a safe place".
Same here. And then it takes at LEAST a half hour to find one. One other thing that irritates me is that he expects me to get his attention before I start talking to him. He says it's cause of the ADD, but I'm pretty sure most of it is cause he is too involved and has stupid headphones on.
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  #13  
January 15th, 2010, 03:29 PM
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I'm sure you won't like my response, lol. But I'm just being honest here. Since your husband works I would say that he needs his down time. It sounds like you are a babysiter and work from home, right? Isn't that your choice of a job? I would think it's not your husbands place to help you with your babysitting business unless it's an agreement you have with one another that he helps. It sounds like he works very long shifts. Perhaps you could talk to him and tell him to play the games at a time of day where it's not taking up all of his time, and be done with the games once your job is done for the day and it's just you and your kids with him. That should be family time. But I don't agree with being angry with him because you choose to babysit other children every day. I'm not trying to be snotty but it sounds like he has his job and you have yours. And I am in no way a fan of video games. I hate them. My kids don't even play them. My husband knows nothing about them.
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  #14  
January 15th, 2010, 04:36 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MelibearMom View Post
Well, we talked it over last night. He knows he has been a bit excessive lately. This is always how it goes though. We have a big fight, it gets better, then slowly gets worse until we fight again. *sigh* So, for now things are okay. He also has ADD so it's really hard for him to multi-task at all. Even with kids. He can't even mow the lawn with kids out there cause he says he can't watch them and mow at the same time!! I seriously don't understand it, but I guess it's how his mind works.

Anyway, we are good right now, but it was nice to vent. I've been super moody this week and I'm secretly hoping it's cause I'm pg. I'm going to try to ask for help more often, but I did tell him that he needs to jump in and help.

I'm sure I'll be back again, but thanks for now.
Why do you want to be "secretly" pregnant when you have problems in your marriage? That doesn't sound right. That is not how you bring human beings into the world. So you are going to bring more children into the stress of your household? That is sad. Is your DH on board with having more kids? If you DH has ADD, then having more anxiety and children in the house will only cause more stress and more anxiety for him. My DH has ADHD and I know the reason why your DH plays WOW is to tune out the anxiety of his surroundings because he doesn't know how to handle anxiety around him. Is he being treated for his ADD? He needs to be. My DH is on adderall every day so he can function in his high stress job, and he barely gets through that. I think he should be doing more, but I'll take what I can. And we only have 1 child and that is stressful enough. Why in the world would I even think to secretly want to be pregnant and bring another crying baby into the house? That will only make your DH want to tune out the noise even more. Have you done your research on what Adult ADD is and how you can help your husband's anxiety? You really need to get on board with this.

And you think things are ok now, but you know in your heart it's a honey moon period and things will only go back to the way they are when the stress of every day life builds up for your DH and he has to retreat in order to deal with anxiety and stress. That is the way adults deal with ADD. They can't calmly think through issues, the noise just builds up in their head and they retreat or explode or both.

He needs therapy to deal with his ADD. I know, my DH has it and he is almost impossible to deal with. I would never ever bring another child into our family. We make it work with what we have and thank God I know enough about it to calmly deal with our familiy dynamics and keep things cool for our one daughter we do have. And she shows some symptoms of his behavior. Do your children shows signs of his ADD? You will need to advocate for them if they do. Bringing another child into the world carrying his genes is serious business. Not something you secretly hope for.

Good luck.
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Last edited by mom2anna; January 15th, 2010 at 04:39 PM.
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  #15  
January 15th, 2010, 05:01 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by homeschoolmom69 View Post
I'm sure you won't like my response, lol. But I'm just being honest here. Since your husband works I would say that he needs his down time. It sounds like you are a babysiter and work from home, right? Isn't that your choice of a job? I would think it's not your husbands place to help you with your babysitting business unless it's an agreement you have with one another that he helps. It sounds like he works very long shifts. Perhaps you could talk to him and tell him to play the games at a time of day where it's not taking up all of his time, and be done with the games once your job is done for the day and it's just you and your kids with him. That should be family time. But I don't agree with being angry with him because you choose to babysit other children every day. I'm not trying to be snotty but it sounds like he has his job and you have yours.
I wasn't going to go there b/c it's a venting board but I was totally thinking all of that. I do believe you that he is playing to excess but I don't think at all that it's unreasonable for him to have an interest whether it's a video game or whatever. I mean he could be gone with his friends or out drinking all day on his off days.

These quotes bothered me the most:

"I just want him to find something to do that isn't so time consuming and that he can stop doing the second I ask. "

"To give him a TINY bit a credit, he HAS been working 9-9 for 9 days straight and switching to night shift in the middle"

"I know it's his outlet, his stress reliever, and social network, but I hate it!!! And, I think he doesn't talk to me as much cause he has all those people to talk to. I wish I could just call and cancel it, but I know he would throw a huge fit."


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  #16  
January 17th, 2010, 08:56 PM
BigGrin's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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My husband is a game-o-holic so basically we set a schedule. He has very long work days and sometimes has to be away from home for days. With that said, there needs to be time for "us" and so I schedule a few hours a week for him just to totally immerse in video games. We discuss what would be the best hours for him to lose himself in the game without worries of me being frustrated or miffed.

He needs his escape but I need for him to also make time for me. I think you need to discuss this when you two are alone (hour before bed or something) and there isn't any pressure to have something fixed or done NOW. It may help to agree to something in writing so you can both outline what is workable. My husband has some ADD traits and I found this works best for us. Good luck.
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  #17  
January 23rd, 2010, 08:32 PM
cachex10's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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My ex-husband (that's right, EX - after 10 years) was a WoW addict. He used it to avoid his family and all of the emotional attachments that went with having a family (abusive childhood and HIGHLY selfish personality in addition to possible mental illnesses). Before WoW it was other video games, or sports, or his own projects (not related to the household). He worked overnight 4 days a week and on his "days off" he played WoW all night, going to bed before the kids and I got up and then sleeping until after dinner.

First of all, when you have kids, you don't get a day off. Both parents should be in this boat, not just mom. Just because one person gets paid to leave the house doesn't mean the other person is less valuable and deserves more of the child rearing and household responsibilities. Too bad women who are home with their children aren't paid to do it so that others stuck in the 1950's mentality of money=value will actually appreciate what is done in the home and with the kids.

There is such a thing as too much. And it sounds like he's really crossing the line. You shouldn't have to beg him to do things around the house because it's interfering with his time on a video game. Is he your husband or your teenage son?

I guess I just hate the free pass men get when they work outside the home (which, BTW, often includes actual lunch breaks and regular breaks, something you do not get working in the home with children). There is the assumption that they are somehow entitled to use their "free" time how they want - during times that the kids are up and things in the house need to be done. They need to be just as much a part of the house and the kids as the women in the home - who don't get lunch hours, vacation days, etc. to just let someone else in the house take care of their kids while they spend copious hours perfecting the abilities of imaginary creatures.

Just my two cents.
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  #18  
January 27th, 2010, 08:14 AM
in_mommy's Avatar I am just me
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Originally Posted by cachex10 View Post
My ex-husband (that's right, EX - after 10 years) was a WoW addict. He used it to avoid his family and all of the emotional attachments that went with having a family (abusive childhood and HIGHLY selfish personality in addition to possible mental illnesses). Before WoW it was other video games, or sports, or his own projects (not related to the household). He worked overnight 4 days a week and on his "days off" he played WoW all night, going to bed before the kids and I got up and then sleeping until after dinner.

First of all, when you have kids, you don't get a day off. Both parents should be in this boat, not just mom. Just because one person gets paid to leave the house doesn't mean the other person is less valuable and deserves more of the child rearing and household responsibilities. Too bad women who are home with their children aren't paid to do it so that others stuck in the 1950's mentality of money=value will actually appreciate what is done in the home and with the kids.

There is such a thing as too much. And it sounds like he's really crossing the line. You shouldn't have to beg him to do things around the house because it's interfering with his time on a video game. Is he your husband or your teenage son?

I guess I just hate the free pass men get when they work outside the home (which, BTW, often includes actual lunch breaks and regular breaks, something you do not get working in the home with children). There is the assumption that they are somehow entitled to use their "free" time how they want - during times that the kids are up and things in the house need to be done. They need to be just as much a part of the house and the kids as the women in the home - who don't get lunch hours, vacation days, etc. to just let someone else in the house take care of their kids while they spend copious hours perfecting the abilities of imaginary creatures.

Just my two cents.
I totally agree with you.
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  #19  
January 27th, 2010, 11:16 AM
MelibearMom's Avatar Melissa--expecting #4!!
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Quote:
Originally Posted by homeschoolmom69 View Post
It sounds like you are a babysiter and work from home, right? Isn't that your choice of a job? I would think it's not your husbands place to help you with your babysitting business unless it's an agreement you have with one another that he helps.
I didn't plan on babysitting kids. It kind of fell on me, and we needed the money. DH and I discussed it and he said he would help out when he was home.

Quote:
Originally Posted by mom2anna View Post
Why do you want to be "secretly" pregnant when you have problems in your marriage?........ Is your DH on board with having more kids?......... Is he being treated for his ADD?......... Have you done your research on what Adult ADD is and how you can help your husband's anxiety?
I didn't mean secretly that way. I waited for him to say okay to TTC again. I just want it more than he does. And, he doesn't have a clue about my cycle. So by "secretly" I guess I meant that he doesn't know how much I want another and how anxious I am to be pg soon. Yes, he has medicine for ADD, but doesn't take it everyday, only when he feels like he needs it. I am also reading a book about ADD and understanding him more.

Quote:
Originally Posted by cachex10 View Post
First of all, when you have kids, you don't get a day off. Both parents should be in this boat, not just mom. Just because one person gets paid to leave the house doesn't mean the other person is less valuable and deserves more of the child rearing and household responsibilities. Too bad women who are home with their children aren't paid to do it so that others stuck in the 1950's mentality of money=value will actually appreciate what is done in the home and with the kids. There is such a thing as too much. And it sounds like he's really crossing the line. You shouldn't have to beg him to do things around the house because it's interfering with his time on a video game. Is he your husband or your teenage son? I guess I just hate the free pass men get when they work outside the home (which, BTW, often includes actual lunch breaks and regular breaks, something you do not get working in the home with children). There is the assumption that they are somehow entitled to use their "free" time how they want - during times that the kids are up and things in the house need to be done. They need to be just as much a part of the house and the kids as the women in the home - who don't get lunch hours, vacation days, etc. to just let someone else in the house take care of their kids while they spend copious hours perfecting the abilities of imaginary creatures. Just my two cents.
I completely agree. I feel like I'm supposed to give him free time cause he works so hard, but I do too! Why don't I get free time? In addition to being a mom and babysitting, I also work at a retail store! I also work with girls in my church and plan activities for them twice a month.


We are doing much better. I am working hard to ask for help when I need it and not just hint at things I want. I need to be straight up and not try to be so nice. (his words, not mine) He has put the computer away for a while, besides working on his sister's business site and work. He will finish his night shifts next week so I KNOW things will be better then.
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  #20  
January 28th, 2010, 12:42 AM
Fist Pumping Champ
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: NYC
Posts: 9,715
I feel like I could've written your opening post except DH isn't addicted to WoW.. His "drug of choice" as I call it is FiFA on PS3. I'm a SAHM during the day and I'm a full-time student at night. I know my DH works outside the home but that doesn't give him the right to plant his rear on our couch from the time he comes home until the time he goes to bed and play. I worry because I'm 99.9% sure that he doesn't interact with our daughter when I'm at school. The second I get home, she speed-crawls over to me and won't let me put her down. He doesn't help out with anything around the house and expects me to get all the household duties done, study for my classes (which I can't do during the day so I'm up from the time DD goes to bed until 3-4 am just to wake up with DD at 7-8), and have cooked meals for him when he comes home. I've asked him to fix things around the house for months now and he still hasn't bothered to do anything. I'm scared that PS3 is going to be the death of our marriage.

Sorry to steal your thread, I just know what you're going through.
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July 2014 - Miscarriage

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