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Not sure if I am posting this in the right place. If there is a better place for this post please let me know.
Ok the problem is with my step-son. His dad and I have been together since he was 2 and now he is 11 so I have pretty much always been in his life. I love him to death!!! But for the past few years he has treated me like dirt and its getting worse. I have never spanked him.... I have put him in time out but he is really getting to old for that now....I think. He calls me names like lazy cause I am a stay at home mom, he argues with even little things I say like if I say "Thats the big dipper" he says "You don't know what your talking about that is not it!" even in front of company and just laughs at me when I tell him to do something. He has even got so mad at me for telling him to stop spitting all over the floor (like baseball players do)that he put his fist up like he was going to hit me. He is not nice to his brothers who are 10 and 7 years old and is always acting like he is better and smarter than them and it makes them feel bad. We always have to tell him to let us handle his younger siblings fights cause he tends to get on to them and discipline them himself....he really acts like hes an adult and he's only 11!! He also gets pretty much everything he wants at his moms like ipods, cell phones, games and she even allows him watch R rated movies and go to concerts with his 12 year old cousin by themselves. We can't afford things like that for him or allow him to cuss and he gets very angry when I tell him to stop. His life revolves around sports too...he is on 2 or 3 teams at once all year long which only allows us to see him 1 or 2 nights a month cause he is usually out of town so its hard to get him into our routine cause he's not here very much. I am totally for kids being in sports but I think these sports seem to be a big part of the problem cause he has been taught to do anything to win! We have even asked him if he would rather be a good person or a great athlete and he said he wants to be a great athlete and if that means he isn't a good person then thats ok. I am really upset about the way things are going with him and our family.Its just so hard and I have no idea what to do when he laughs at me when I tell him to do something or stop doing something. I usually just tell him to go talk to his dad but my dh doesn't help either. I have tried to talk to dh about it but he just gets angry and tells me to deal with it myself. I think dh has a major problem with not seeing him as much as he wants too and when he's here tends to overlook or play down what he does. Its really hurtful to me cause he would never allow our other kids to talk to me like that. I really do love my step-son with all my heart but I am starting to dread him coming to our house and I really don't want to!! Its just so hard to keep cool when he treats me like I am beneath him. I am so afraid its only gonna get worse with his teenage years coming up!! I really need some advice on what to do. This is really hard for me to write about cause I feel like a bad parent for not wanting him around.
I also recommend the Blended Families board ... I'm part of that board and the ladies there have a lot of GREAT advice as many of them have BTDT with just about every situation at one time or another. I know that most of them (if not all of them) will say that your DH needs to get on board with the problem, and it is a problem. Your DSS needs to understand that DH supports the decisions that you make and will not tolerate any of the children to treat you that way, including DSS. He probably tries to get away with so much just because he can. Your DH isn't respecting you and what you say to DSS, why should his son follow suit??
I will admit that your situation does scare me a bit ... we're already starting to see some of that out of my 3-year-old stepson but I'm wondering how much of it at this point is that his mom's boyfriend disciplines him in a more harsh way than we do (spankings, cold showers, etc. where we do time-outs). He listens (mostly) when DH tells him to do something or not to do something, but with me it's hit or miss. If DH is here generally it's miss. I'm a little afraid of where things will go and how to reconcile discipline at both houses so DSS doesn't fear his mom's house and think he can do whatever he wants at our house (including spitting, hitting, kicking, back-talking - already!!, etc.).
OH, and BTW, as for time-outs for a child as old as your DSS, I've started making my DD (12) write what she did wrong and why it was unacceptable as part of her time out. I expect more than one or two sentences when she does it, but she has to do it and then we talk about it when she's done. Simple time-outs just didn't work for her and she's definitely old enough to understand and write down what she did that earned her a time-out.
Last edited by cachex10; January 23rd, 2010 at 09:05 PM.
(((HUGS))) I have BTDT myself. Your DH DEFIANTLY needs to be on board and support your decisions and he needs to reinforce to him that whatever you say goes as well and that he needs to respects and obey you. You may want to put in writing the rules and expectations that you have of him when he is in your home. Be very clear on the paper as well what the consequences are when he breaks the rules, such as no phone, no video games, early bed, no tv, or whatever he really enjoys. Once you get together your "contract" then you both along with your DSS needs to sign it. Give him a copy of it and have a couple of others and hang up another copy like on the fridge. If your DH doesn't support you or enforce the rules with him and let him know that he must be respectful towards you then your going to be headed for trouble. Hang in there!!!