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  #1  
May 10th, 2006, 06:25 AM
appifanie's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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OMG. They are endlessly annoying. (Note I just call them my in-laws even though we aren't married yet; also note that DF and his ex have a child together)

So I've known since I met my DF (12 years ago) that his parents were probably crappy, evil people (he lived with my mom and me for a few months when they kicked him out in high school - my mom LOVES him). I finally met them in September 05, and guess what? I was SO RIGHT! Even though I knew they'd hate me, I was on my best behavior and was a very good girl (despite the fact they have complete opposite beliefs than me).

Part of the problem is that they LOVE DF's ex (who cheated on him for the whole time they were married, even while he was . . . are you ready? IN IRAQ! She did horrible things while he was gone, all while her son was at home with her.) But the ILs? They LOVE her. They think she's GREAT. They think they should get back together. They think the divorce and the cheating was HIS fault. Whatever. She was meant to be their daughter because they are all EVIL.

So for Thanksgiving, DF and I went to the ILs house. I brought my separate food because I'm vegan and of course I offered to share. So SHE shows up and they're sooooo happy cause they looooove her. (****!) So the family is gathered in the living room, and I'm sitting in the attached dining room because the only seat left in the living room is next to HER and seeing as she shoots me the death glare everytime I see her . . . Anyway. So his dad tells my DF (Will) that he hates me because I didn't sit in the living room with them, and mom tells Will she doesn't like me because I talk about my diet too much (I only answer questions when asked).

For Christmas, it's not Will's year to have his son, but he gets to spend Xmas with him by going to his parents house. Ex wife is allowed to go. I am not. His dad says I am "definitely not" allowed to go. Now . . . there is like no one on this planet who would tell someone they can't stay over on Xmas. I am alone on Xmas.

They find out I'm pregnant. His mother tells WIll that she doesn't want to be involved b/c she knows I won't let her. Now, if she'd said she was sorry she was mean to me and asks for another chance, I'd give it to her, but secretly, I'm relieved she didn't because I HATE these people and I do not want them to be near my child at all. Will tells his ex we're probably having a girl, ex looooooooves her ex-ILs and tells them it's a girl. MIL calls DF and freaks out that she have to hear this info from the ex. (Also note that after the Xmas incident, she sent Will an email that said she didn't want to have any communication with him.) She tells him that she never said that she didn't want to be involved with the baby. GRR.

Will is one of those guys who is scared of his mothers (she verbally abused him when he was young). He will not stand up to her. He told me that it is up to me and her to work this out between each other, and if we don't, then he will visit them and take our baby to see them. (I think I can change his mind on this, but I am still pissed.) This whole thing is THEIR fault!!! I tried SO HARD! They were HORRID to me! They never gave me a chance!!!!!!

I was going to email MIL, but my mom said I shouldn't document anyhting in writing to them. I don't want to call because 1) I hate her and 2) I'm so pissed I'll cry. My mom said just to ignore her.

Advice?
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  #2  
May 10th, 2006, 11:31 AM
Lisadear's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I'd ignore them too since they treat you so darn crappy hon .... you are wayyyyyyyyyyy bigger and better than them in every which way possible.

You try and relax and have a happy pregnancy ... so what if they heard its a girl from his ex? ........... it just means his ex has a big blabbermouth in things which are none of her business.

You can pm me anytime if you need me.

xxx Lisa xxx
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  #3  
May 10th, 2006, 03:29 PM
appifanie's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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thx lisa

one of my friends told me that they have to come visit us if they want to see the baby, which makes too much sense. and i'm fairly certain (knock on wood) they won't because they haven't visited DF since he's lived here (over a year)
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  #4  
May 10th, 2006, 06:04 PM
Wendie
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I can definitely understand your feelings. My in-laws are the same way except my DH isn't very close to them. His mom calls all the time and asks about him and the baby. I don't exist now that Aiden was born. It's like I was just the carrier and now that he is here that I am no longer important. At first, it hurt because my family is so nice to DH. My father paid for our entire wedding and has helped us numerous times along the way. His family is very critical. His brother went as far as calling our baby an abomination. My DH has cut him off but my good old MIL thinks that he should forget about it because her perfect son has a right to his opinion. Anyways I used to let it bother me, but you know what, I realized that this is my baby. My MIL always talks about how she is going to come for visits and take our baby to NC to visit. However, this is MY baby, not hers so I pretty much alienate her. My DH and I figure if she can't except all of us then she can't be an everyday part of our lives. And, I agree. Plus, if she ever gets rude or pulls a stunt like she did at our wedding (long story there...so much drama), I will completely cut her out of my son's life. It gets frustrating but your best bet is to ignore it because you can't make people change. And if you call her out, it will probably make things worse. Its not always easier to be the bigger person, but I think it pays off in the end. Otherwise, you are going to be stressing yourself out over something you can't change. I agree with Lisa. Just enjoy your pregnancy.
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  #5  
May 10th, 2006, 09:18 PM
mrobinson
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I read this and couldn't help but think of the past relationship I had with my MIL...

I know your feelings of helplessness must be so overwhelming at times. The fact it's further complicated with the ex must just be gasoline on that fire.

Let's hope they never visit! (At least till they grow up!)

<div class=\'quotetop\'>QUOTE(appifanie @ May 10 2006, 07:25 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}></div><div class=\'quotemain\'>Will is one of those guys who is scared of his mothers (she verbally abused him when he was young). He will not stand up to her. He told me that it is up to me and her to work this out between each other, and if we don\'t, then he will visit them and take our baby to see them. (I think I can change his mind on this, but I am still pissed.) This whole thing is THEIR fault!!! I tried SO HARD! They were HORRID to me! They never gave me a chance!!!!!!

I was going to email MIL, but my mom said I shouldn\'t document anyhting in writing to them. I don\'t want to call because 1) I hate her and 2) I\'m so pissed I\'ll cry. My mom said just to ignore her.

Advice?[/b][/quote]


This is something that is sticking out like a sore thumb...

Dh and his father both had issues like this.

The relationship between MIL and Grandma Robinson (GR) is a non-relationship. GR hated MIL from the beginning, without giving her a chance... I could tell about horrible incident after horrible incident (like yours) but the bottom line is GR had a zero relationship with MIL, DH and his brother. Today FIL calls GR on a regular, monthly basis and sees her about twice a year.

The relationship between MIL and I started good but got worse as time progressed. It got the point we couldn't speak or be left alone anymore. Dh knew that it was his responsibility to deal with her so instead of doing anything, he didn't speak to her. For a whole year. Then for about two years, he briefly spoke to her. They are on better terms now but truthfully it's because she is beginning to work on herself a little more. I am totally conflicted on how to deal with her in the future when we do have kids. I'd be lying if I didn't say all the stress of dealing with families is part of the reason why we haven't kids yet. I can say with 100% truth the reason we eloped was because of families. (We were young and I had no idea how to set boundaries with either side. In reflection, both were incredibly abusive verbally. FIL and my (step) mom have always been angels but the others....)

I wish I could do more to help but please feel free to PM anytime if you wish. Dr. Phil would tell you that it's your DH's responsiblity to deal with the situation and his loyality should be with you, not his parents because he is an adult now. That doesn't mean he has to cut off all contact forever but he needs to understand that before anything else.. You are a threat to MIL's control therefore enemy number one!

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  #6  
May 11th, 2006, 08:06 AM
appifanie's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Quote:
My DH and I figure if she can't except all of us then she can't be an everyday part of our lives.[/b]
exactly!!
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  #7  
May 11th, 2006, 08:44 AM
Lisadear's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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oh and btw ... as wonderful as my own inlaws are to me ... I do NOT go out of my way to take the kids to them either .... everyone knows where we live

xxx Lisa xxx
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  #8  
May 11th, 2006, 05:03 PM
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My FIL and step MIL don't even know where we live. I let my FIL see my DD every once in awhile, but that is like only if I run into him. My step MIL is not in our lives at all. She is not nice, and I don't want my kids around her. She left my FIL for awhile when I got pregnant, cuz she wasn't ready to be a grandma, but she came around when she figured out that she was getting attention for it. I use to let them see my DD on holidays and such, but due to recent events I now have eliminated them from our lives basically. I let my DH talk to them all he wants, as long as I don't have to have anything to do with them unless I decide to. KWIM?

I say let them come over if they want to see the baby. It's none of their business, since they aren't the mom or the dad to your child. In my book the mother and father have the say in the child's life, not the grandparents and every other family member in the world.

Good luck!
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  #9  
May 12th, 2006, 06:51 AM
appifanie's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Quote:
oh and btw ... as wonderful as my own inlaws are to me ... I do NOT go out of my way to take the kids to them either .... everyone knows where we live [/b]
yea!


Quote:
KWIM?

I say let them come over if they want to see the baby.[/b]
heck yea i know what you mean! talk to them if you must, but leave me out of it!

and yea! i don't know why i didn't think of that sooner. there is no sensible reason for us to bring the baby to them! they can drive their fat mean #####3$ over here! YEA! DF so can't argue w/ that! (i hope)
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  #10  
May 12th, 2006, 12:44 PM
in_mommy's Avatar I am just me
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I just dont get inlaws. I cant stand mine either and the kids dont see them either. Why is it so dang hard for them to treat everyone nicely to start with and stay that way??!!! Sure I can understand it if something happened and you did something bad to their "baby", but come on. It is a hopeless battle that if you DH doesnt want to stand up for you, then all you can do is ignore them and protect your kids!!
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  #11  
May 13th, 2006, 08:00 AM
Lisadear's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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LOL just wanted to lighten this up ...

my both lots of inlaws dont like their own son and have eliminated HIM from their lives and kept the kids and myself even though I've been divorced for years!

How's that for a turnaround???? LOLOL

no hear this ... my own MIL tended to be controlling with her sons in law (my sis in laws' husbands) ... but I never and I mean NEVER gave her that opportunity even while I was courting her son so she NEVER tried that crap with me ...

I let her know from day one that I was a person with my own mind and she was entitled to her opinion but that's all it was ... her own opinion .... at the end of the day we could either be in harmony or we could be at each other's throats ...

and maybe that's why we get along fine and we are very close ... I dunno. but I really DO love both my lots of inlaws dearly and I know they love me too

I wish it could be the same for all of you because to me an extended family should be just that ... an extended FAMILY where there's more love, sharing and caring if you know what I mean?

xxx Lisa xxx
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  #12  
May 16th, 2006, 06:09 AM
appifanie's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Quote:
my both lots of inlaws dont like their own son and have eliminated HIM from their lives and kept the kids and myself even though I've been divorced for years![/b]
his parents mostly cut him out but looooooooooove his nasty ex-wife. they're such lousy judges of character. *sigh*


Quote:
Why is it so dang hard for them to treat everyone nicely to start with and stay that way??!!![/b]
i know, right?? his mom acted nice to me (Dad mostly left the room when i was there) and seemed like she liked me! apparently she was faking it. i'm a good person, and i'm loads better than his trashy ex who they loooooooove. she's a ****, i'm not; i have a college degree, she doesn't (not that i'm saying that's a reason to like or dislike a person, but still); i owned my own home, she just moved out of her parents house (where her son didn't even have his own room); i lease my own car, she tried to swindle DF out of his in the divorce so she could have both; i worked for the lieutenant governor of a large US state, she has some lame job. whatever. she's the one who hurt their baby, and they think it was his fault. i know i just have to accept that they suck, and i do and i can, but when i get started ranting . . . you understand.
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  #13  
May 16th, 2006, 07:05 AM
Lisadear's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Quote:
Quote:
my both lots of inlaws dont like their own son and have eliminated HIM from their lives and kept the kids and myself even though I've been divorced for years![/b]
his parents mostly cut him out but looooooooooove his nasty ex-wife. they're such lousy judges of character. *sigh*


Quote:
Why is it so dang hard for them to treat everyone nicely to start with and stay that way??!!![/b]
i know, right?? his mom acted nice to me (Dad mostly left the room when i was there) and seemed like she liked me! apparently she was faking it. i'm a good person, and i'm loads better than his trashy ex who they loooooooove. she's a ****, i'm not; i have a college degree, she doesn't (not that i'm saying that's a reason to like or dislike a person, but still); i owned my own home, she just moved out of her parents house (where her son didn't even have his own room); i lease my own car, she tried to swindle DF out of his in the divorce so she could have both; i worked for the lieutenant governor of a large US state, she has some lame job. whatever. she's the one who hurt their baby, and they think it was his fault. i know i just have to accept that they suck, and i do and i can, but when i get started ranting . . . you understand.
[/b]
You know what????? I'd much rather if she left the room like his dad did too cause faking it is such hypocrisy and NOTHING gets to me more than that

xxxx Lisa xxx
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  #14  
May 16th, 2006, 04:25 PM
appifanie's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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You know what????? I'd much rather if she left the room like his dad did too cause faking it is such hypocrisy and NOTHING gets to me more than that[/b]
me too! plus, if she wanted to get to know me and then decide she hated me after a valid chance, that'd be one thing. but she never even tried. evil cow.
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  #15  
May 16th, 2006, 04:36 PM
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hon ... chin up ... you have a kiddo coming up and you have YOUR own life to sort out now ... enough of the extended family dramas and blahs ... let them keep it in their own homes where it was bred ... and you raise your baby how YOU want to raise her (Its a girl right?) and you love and respect your DH and receive same from him like you BOTH deserve ....

Life only continues going downhill if we continue to let it .... keep yours at a certain level and lift it up at moments when you can ... who's there to enjoy ... great ... who's not there ... tough ... their loss ...

you can do it ... I believe in you!

xxx Lisa xxx
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  #16  
May 16th, 2006, 08:51 PM
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Yea but girl remember this, you got one up on them in the end. You are pregnant with their grandchild and theres nothing they can do to change that. I am sure his ex is making up stories for them to hate you but if you be the bigger person and never say anything bad against the ex, they will see in the end. My ex-MIL hated me as well until after our son was born. She changed her mind when she saw what a good mother I was and that I wasn't immature enough to play her games. I let her know ( as well as my MIL now) that I am mother, thats right ME ME ME, I am mother!!!!

Hope they come around for ya!
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  #17  
May 18th, 2006, 02:31 PM
appifanie's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I am sure his ex is making up stories for them to hate you but if you be the bigger person and never say anything bad against the ex, they will see in the end.[/b]
I'm sure she is too! We were friends in high school (she was the school **** - her best friend referred to her as the school "gang ****") and she got misinfo from my then friend (we all liked my DH - oh the mess) and well . . .

In any case, DH and I got married yesterday, and he called and told his mom. She said she thought he had gotten married earlier but was just telling her then. She told him she's going to send me an email apologizing for getting off on the wrong foot
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  #18  
May 18th, 2006, 03:57 PM
Lisadear's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Quote:
Quote:
I am sure his ex is making up stories for them to hate you but if you be the bigger person and never say anything bad against the ex, they will see in the end.[/b]
I'm sure she is too! We were friends in high school (she was the school **** - her best friend referred to her as the school "gang ****") and she got misinfo from my then friend (we all liked my DH - oh the mess) and well . . .

In any case, DH and I got married yesterday, and he called and told his mom. She said she thought he had gotten married earlier but was just telling her then. She told him she's going to send me an email apologizing for getting off on the wrong foot
[/b]
honey ....

xxx Lisa xxx
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  #19  
May 18th, 2006, 04:04 PM
**Cynthia**'s Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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A huge CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!!!! That is so sweet. This woman is now going to have to eat her own words!!!!
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  #20  
May 18th, 2006, 09:47 PM
mrobinson
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SOmeone just got married!!!! Congradulations!!!
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