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All of a sudden now that I am pregnant his family takes an interest in me?


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  #1  
May 28th, 2006, 07:48 AM
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They never gave a @#% about me before. In fact, in the last two years I don't think we've even seen each other except maybe.....once? I don't consider them family. Family are people you spend time with and they are there for you and you're there for them. They don't qualify.
And now that I am pregnant, I get email every week from them asking how I am doing, like they care. They don't care about me or how I'm doing, they just care about their grandchild. If I wasn't pregnant, they wouldn't be writing to me.
Now they are considering moving back to this area and I just hope they don't expect that I am all of a sudden going to invite them over all the time for backyard barbeques or we'll become this close family, because I have no interest in that whatsoever. I am willing to meet them somewhere once every month or two so they can spend time with their grandchild, but that's about it. I have no intention of doing anything more than that.
When his first child was born, his mom had such a BAD relationship with his now ex. His mom showed up at the delivery room uninvited and there were all kinds of scenes and drama. I am not even planning on telling her when I go into labor.
And I don't want her showing up on my doorstep a few days after he is born, asking to see him. I planned on going to THEIR house a few weeks after he is born, and letting them meet him then.
Ugh, how do I get this across to them without sounding like a B@#%?
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  #2  
May 28th, 2006, 09:41 AM
Amiee3's Avatar Veteran
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Hummm thats a hard one I dont like my MIL but I am glad she lives in Florida and when she comes down to visit I make the best of it KWIM? It takes to much energy to hold anger in so I have learned just to let it go... If I was you I would just try and let it go and start over KWIM See if you can somewhat bulid a fresh start (YES it is hard) and if they live far from you then you wont have to worry to much I doubt they will just pack up and move (hopefully not)!! Oh trust me if my MIL EVER said anything to me about anything that has happened in the past, I would feel sorry for her cause I would rip into her but she keeps her big mouth shut I think she learned her lesson but one never knows... Good luck hope things work out for ya
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  #3  
May 28th, 2006, 10:23 AM
appifanie's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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ahh. i'm so relieved my evil in laws are still ignoring me even though i'm pg. his mom is supposed to email me, she said she would, and i'm still waiting. and every day i don't hear from her, i'm relieved. i know what you mean - these people aren't family.

and i think you're being generous - i ain't driving anywhere for these people. i grew up w/o grandparents, and i think that my parents are good enough w/o my baby getting to know her evil, low-moral grandparents.

oh, and she loooooooooooves my dh's cheating ex. they had a shopping day last weekend even. they so deserve each other.

if they're like my ILs, i don't think there's anyway you won't sound like a ______, but to heck w/ it. that's them, not you.
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  #4  
May 28th, 2006, 10:38 AM
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Seriously... what does your DH think of all of this? You soooo don't need this drama while your pregnant! Maybe he can run interferance for you? Because I understand where your coming from! My ILs suck too! (Wait until they start giving you advice on how to raise your children.) Luckily my husband probably dislikes his mom more than I do and he's not afraid to tell her to shutup and go away.
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  #5  
May 28th, 2006, 11:18 AM
Amiee3's Avatar Veteran
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Yeah that when I had all the drama also through my whole preganancy but that is when I told them all off BIG TIME!! but now, I just let it lay cause she dont bring nothing up but if she did I would prolly go off agian but like I said before I am very HAPPY she lives on the East coast and we are on the West side, so I have that worken for me and appifanie whew that sounds like a nice MIL ***sarcasm*** yeah I dont think I would give her the time of day neither..Oh and Connor wont and does not know who MIL is and that is also fine with me
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  #6  
May 29th, 2006, 09:07 AM
appifanie's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Oh and Connor wont and does not know who MIL is and that is also fine with me [/b]
ahh that's the best we can hope for . . .
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  #7  
May 29th, 2006, 10:00 AM
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  #8  
May 29th, 2006, 10:34 AM
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I think I am going to just do nothing for a little while and then I will ask HIM to send her an email saying something like:

"We don't want any visitors the first few weeks after he is born.

After those first few weeks have gone by, we are willing to meet you every month or two so you can spend time together. We can email back and forth with regards to dates and times that are mutually convenient, a few days in advance."

Amiee3, you are lucky you live on opposite sides of the country!
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  #9  
May 30th, 2006, 05:31 PM
in_mommy's Avatar I am just me
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Quote:
I think I am going to just do nothing for a little while and then I will ask HIM to send her an email saying something like:

"We don't want any visitors the first few weeks after he is born.

After those first few weeks have gone by, we are willing to meet you every month or two so you can spend time together. We can email back and forth with regards to dates and times that are mutually convenient, a few days in advance."

Amiee3, you are lucky you live on opposite sides of the country![/b]
That sounds like a good plan! My inlaws live 20 minutes away from us, and how often have they ever been here? Once and that is when I was not home and the kids werent either. My DS has only seen MIL 1 time in his life. I cant stand these people! I usually dont even send pics out to them. If they were truely that interested in how they looked or whatever, then you would think that they would put forth an effort, like it would do them any good, but still. They would have to do some MAJOR changes first and even then I doubt I would let the kids over.
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  #10  
May 30th, 2006, 05:39 PM
Amiee3's Avatar Veteran
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Uuugghh I say whoever causes your grief F them you dont need that crap none of you....

I dont know what I would do if my MIL lived close to me (YUCK) I know I would never be home if she called or came over forget that I can only be fake once a year and that is for the sake of my DH but hey he dont even call her and plus he does not even like the way she treated me and the things she said when I was prego... But I just try to let that go so I am not so angry inside KWIM cause if I keep that anger all the time it just brings me down and she is the one missing out not me... Heck Connor wont call her grandma and it dont bother me one bit!!
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  #11  
June 3rd, 2006, 10:55 AM
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OMG that is exactly what I am going through too right now!!!!! My DF's parents didn't care too much when we got engaged two years ago, and when we moved in together into ourfirst home last summer, whose parents gave us furniture and money for stuff and moved us in? MINE... meanwhile his parents live like 20 minutes away and have NEVER been to our house... they complain that we have never invited them but they have never even acted remotely interested in the first place... and my parents like almost an hour away and will call and be like "hey we're coming over for a visit" and then show up like a few times a month... and they can't really leave the house much because they run a dog grooming business out of the house! We just found out I am pregnant so we told everyone and all of a sudden the "ILs" are all concerned about my health and want to pay for a wedding for us (we dont want to get married until after the baby is born, no shotgun wedding) meanwhile we have been engaged for two years and planning a wedding bit by bit and they have never acted the least bit interested in helping. Now they want to come over and give us things and I absolutely refuse (even though we could use the help) because I want it made known that we don't need their money... it's like they are bribing us so they can see their grandchild all the time. DF's parents are fairly well off and they have never given us a dime, meanwhile my parents are pretty poor since they are starting their own business, and they give us all that they can... It just really irritates me that they think we are gonna be one big happy family just because I am having their first grandchild... screw that




whew I feel better now
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  #12  
June 3rd, 2006, 05:59 PM
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I SOOOO had this with my first child. My In-laws didn't call, email, write or visit & we lived in the same area. Then, when the first one came along (3 1/2 years later)...all of the above they came in full force. I was so resentful. Its actually how I first started getting on the internet...this has been a while now. hehe! I would keep it up so the hone phome wouldn't ring (dial-up)...she'd stop by unannounced & I wouldn't answer the door. I wouldn't answer my cell. I was never welcomed to the family. This caused major problems with me & my husband. He told me, that I was making him choose between me & his mother. He told me he would always choose me. PRESSURE....it would have so easy to cut the IN-laws out of my life. I asked my mom for advice on this. She told me to be the better person...for me to call, for me to email, for me to visit....to put the control in my hands...that way, there would be no anger...if I tried, then I would never have regrets. Geez, she was so right. It stopped the fights at home & my anger. Its like I had to become the matriarch & welcome them to me...even though it was her family I joined. She still doesn't do her part as much as I would like...but I think she tries the only way she knows how. She & the children have a relationship & thats whats most important. I also realize, that in the beginning, that I didn't really make things easy for my in-laws.
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  #13  
June 3rd, 2006, 06:23 PM
nette's Avatar Super Mommy
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First off I'm very much on your side I go though this with my mom. Due to how she treats my DH we try to not have her involved.

First off prepare for the drama. First they prob finally accept your staying now that your pregnant, so only now will they treat you like family.
Oh and prepare, vistors tends not to mean family (point of view). Or they may feel they are an acception to the rule. so be clear if you dont wany anyone visiting.
They will also likly (or at least my mom does) pull the
"Well that was then, this is now, why would you deny a grandchild their grandparent when I am being nothing but civil. "
They will also resent you if you dont let then spend "more than idea" time with there grandbabe. This could lead to alot of guilt trips put on your DH.

Be prepared and be careful. It's very sticky ground.
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  #14  
June 9th, 2006, 05:30 AM
appifanie's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Quote:
My inlaws live 20 minutes away from us, and how often have they ever been here? Once and that is when I was not home and the kids werent either. My DS has only seen MIL 1 time in his life. I cant stand these people! I usually dont even send pics out to them. If they were truely that interested in how they looked or whatever, then you would think that they would put forth an effort, like it would do them any good, but still. They would have to do some MAJOR changes first and even then I doubt I would let the kids over.[/b]
YES! EXACTLY! Except my ILs live like 180 miles away (so like 4 hours in NY/CT traffic) and they've never been to visit DH, he always has to drive to them. He even told me he'd bring our baby to see them! (I told him no way, if they want to see them, they can drive here, dang them!)
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  #15  
June 23rd, 2006, 09:13 PM
ladyellise's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I think you are doing the right thing!! Hope everything works out for you. Congrats on the baby!!
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  #16  
June 23rd, 2006, 09:31 PM
Chunky Monkey's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I am not in the situation, I really love my in-laws but I can offer a couple of suggestions:

*when you do go into labor, you can say "such and such people can be up there with you, but no one else" You do have the right to privacy.
*make it known before the baby is born that you wish to have time to bond with your baby at home, just your little family and when you are ready, either they could come see all of you or you bring the baby to them.

Best of luck to you!
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