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  #1  
March 3rd, 2011, 09:39 PM
Alaska-Su's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Fairbanks, AK
Posts: 2,352
Started coming to these boards cause I could be pregnant and I'm just waiting to take the test. Not a planned pregnancy, oooooh no, definitely not. I've been thinking of breaking up with my boyfriend for the past week or so. He is NOT someone I want a kid with.

So the rant is this:

He's got a 6-year-old boy who is a bit of a handful because he's really smart and just doesn't have good male role models. Both his fathers cuss and talk trash about people they don't like, calling those people all sorts of derogatory names. And these guys are on the bad side of the gun/knife enthusiasts(sp?). So this kid gets confused and also doesn't always want to tell the truth because he's afraid of the discipline.

Anyways, a little while ago the kid, Da. was complaining about being hungry. I'd just gotten back from hanging out with a friend and brought my boyfriend, Du. something to eat. Neither of us figured he'd be here so long. Da. is usually only over after school since it's right across the street and his mom and step-dad work until 5pm (Du. works now too but after some stuff earlier, he took the rest of the day off so he could spend it with Da.).

Du. called his friend (the step-dad) and asked if he was on his way and he said yeah. So Du. assured Da. that he'd get food soon. There's just not really anything to eat here. But then Da. continued to pout and Du. got tired of it. This happened last Saturday when Da. thought he was going to get to spend the night again (even though no one said anything of the sort) because his mom and step-dad were incredibly late. So he started pouting first that he wasn't going to get any pizza that Du's friend had brought over at the last minute, then also about not getting to spend the night again.

So yeah, Du. was tired of the kid complaining and pouting. So he yelled at him to stop the whining and pouting. Then he remembered Da. had a huge thing of fruit cocktail from lunch he brought home with him. Du. told him to go get it and bring it back and sit with him and eat it. So when Da. got back he went to sit down and Du. saw something odd on his son's neck, just under and kind of behind one ear.

The best way I can describe it is that it looked like someone scratched him but the nails didn't do anything but pull along the skin so it was like what happens with a hickey but in two thin lines.

Du. took a picture with his camera on his phone then showed it to his son and asked what it was. While he was trying to figure out what it could be, I suggested that it could just be he had laid on it wrong or something scraped against it. Du's back does the exact same thing when he sits on the floor and leans against the bed.

Just as I was finishing my suggestion (only trying to help) Du. starts fussing at me, telling me to hold on, and not being very nice about it.

He then proceeds to ask his son if someone hit him. Note that these marks aren't from a hit but more from something dragging along the skin. Da. says no, that he scraped it. Du. asks again, letting his son know he's not in trouble, he just wants to know what happened, wants to make sure no one's hurting him. Da. insists he just scraped it but when asked on what, he starts to try and say what but then ends with, "I forgot."

After that Du. starts yelling at me to keep my mouth shut when he's trying to get info out of his son. That my saying that stuff made Da. lie about what really happened.

What Du. should have remembered is that Da. loves to roughhouse with his male classmates. He'll start on them with little provocation. This could have happened on the playground while playfighting and the kid could have grabbed Da's coat and pulled so the collar tugged tight around his neck and rubbed, or maybe a kid accidentally scratched him.

This isn't the first time Du. has accused me of interfering in his parenting. I may not have a child but I've taken care of enough to know what I'm doing. Yes I know kids can be easily influenced as to what to say, but still. Da's gotten in a lot of trouble for his aggressive behavior. I'm thinking he had a nice little playfight with a friend and doesn't want to get in trouble for being so rambunctious.

*****

And now just some concerns.

I used to want a kid with Du. But this was back when he was sweet and tried very hard not to be so aggressive with me. It was very nice back then. But after a while he realized I tend to bottle things up and so he started not caring if he hurt my feelings or yelled at me over stupid things (like once he yelled at me because I'd said I once cooked bacon in the oven and he went off about how that's not how it's supposed to be done).

I have a very bad habit of just going with whoever will have me. Now it's not bad enough that I'd stay if there was physical abuse, but Du. does a lot of mental abuse, sometimes without thinking about it. Even though I've talked to him about some of the things he does, he says I'm just too sensitive and I need to get over it.

His way of raising a child and my way are very different. I grew up with a father who spanked first, asked questions later. I got spanked for saying things like shut up, gosh, dangit, darn it, that sucks/you suck, etc. This has led to me having a very bad relationship with my father, despite the fact that it's been over 10 years since I've been spanked (the last time was with the belt all because it was my sister's week to clean the kitchen and she never did it so to keep her from getting in trouble I did it, but one day I didn't want to and she didn't clean it and my dad found out who'd been cleaning it and so belted both of us).

I do NOT want my child raised with a parent like that. I was scared of my dad a lot of the time. He never beat us, but I was afraid of being spanked and so lied like there was no tomorrow and learned to be manipulative and extremely sneaky and began to learn not to try and help people. Though I do still help others, I can't help it lol!

Du. yells at his kid and his kid's little sister when he has to take care of her, for stupid things. It gets to me quite a bit because it was something so menial that it doesn't require all the yelling and the spanking that happens. It just requires a firm talking to. These kids can get it with just a talking to.

So, if I end up being pregnant, I don't know what to do. Du. made some comments in early February that make me not want to tell him and just stop seeing him and not talk to him, just cut him out of my life. He has a horrible sense of humor and will joke about awful things and sometimes I can tell when he's joking but other times I can't.

He was talking to me about us having a kid together. He said if I can give him 2 years to get his stuff together then we can have a kid. But he wasn't going to have ANY more kids before then. He went on to talk about how this one crazy chick tricked him and got pregnant and then told him. He added to it, "That's where stairs come in handy." That would have been his 3rd child. He only has 2 that I know of.

I know this isn't a relationship that's supposed to last. I didn't get back into it with him with that in mind. I was bored and lonely and he's the only one I knew. It's stupid that I did that but it's done.

But anyways, the thought of not telling him crosses my mind a lot for if I end up pregnant. What if he's serious about the stair thing? Or about the, "One good elbow or knee to the stomach should do it," thing?

But then if he's not serious and he finds out later I have his kid, it'll tear him up and he'll be really mad. I don't want to deny a parent the right to see their child...

I'll come back to this.
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  #2  
March 4th, 2011, 11:53 AM
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I am so sorry that you are going through all this. I can understand exactly why you are considering not telling your bf if you are pregnant-honestly, it sounds like that might be the best thing, if you are. I don't really want to tell you what to do, but perhaps I could help give you some ideas?? I think one thing I would think about, if I were in your shoes, maybe, you could not tell him (because of course, since he made the comments that he did about the stairs/elbow/knee, you are going to be afraid to be around him) It is going to be your natural instinct to protect your baby. Maybe once you have the baby, then you could let him know that he is a daddy again. And then base the fact if he will be seeing the baby or not on his reaction. I agree, I don't think it is good to keep a child away from their parent (most of the time).

But, you might not be pregnant. I mean, try not to worry too much (which I know it's stupid for me to even say that because of course you are going to!) until you find out if you are or aren't.

I know you will make the best decision. I will be here, if you want to update this.

♥ Emily
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  #3  
March 5th, 2011, 12:46 PM
BigGrin's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 1,684
This is very serious, statistically women who are pregnant are more at risk of being abused or killed by their SO. First of all I would drop him like a bad habit, pregnant or not you deserve better than this guy. Work on yourself and be alright with being alone before starting a relationship, it's hard but necessary.

Secondly, if he behaves twitchy when you tell him you're pregnant (if you are) then get an order of protection and find a safe place to live, one where he would not be able to get to you.
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I dropped a tear in the ocean, and whenever they find it I’ll stop loving you, only then. ~Unknown
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  #4  
March 6th, 2011, 10:24 PM
Alaska-Su's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Fairbanks, AK
Posts: 2,352
Thank you

Found out Thursday night I am pregnant. Got a confirmation test Friday morning. Due around November 5th.

I'm trying to find a time to tell my guy that I don't want to be with him anymore. I figure I'll just tell the truth and tell him I'm not happy in this relationship and I think there's someone else who would be better for him and someone better for me.

Then as time goes by I'll figure out if I want to tell him about the baby. I might just go around like normal and if I run into him or someone who knows him and they tell him then I can see his reaction. If it's negative then I'll just tell him he doesn't have to worry, it's not his.

He's paranoid I cheated on him anyway so yeah. We'll see.
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  #5  
March 7th, 2011, 06:42 AM
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=] Congratulations! I hope you have a great pregnancy!

And it sounds like you are making a wonderful decision regarding your SO. Keep us posted =].
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  #6  
March 7th, 2011, 12:31 PM
Alaska-Su's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Fairbanks, AK
Posts: 2,352
Yup I'll definitely put some updates as I make the final decision.

I always hate making someone look like an awful person. Du. has this weird sense of humor and he comes off as extremely abrasive so he could very well have been joking. Of course that's not really something to joke about.

I was thinking about it today and remembered about a time early on in our relationship when I asked him this question: "What would you do if I was raped and got pregnant and kept the baby to term but gave it up for adoption?"

His response was that he'd want to find the guy who raped me and hurt him and it was a good possibility he's want me to not give the baby up for adoption because he'd most likely fall in love with it.

He's not a bad father. He loves his children and give them whatever they want when he has the means to do so. He's just...like my dad in a way. Spank first lecture later. And just like my dad he gets annoyed with the most menial things. And he holds himself to different standards than others. So while he is allowed to poke/pinch/etc to annoy you, you are not allowed to do it to him.

But I do know he'll be pretty controlling over the naming of the child and he'll want to make sure I could never move out of state. Though, I MIGHT get out of that since his main priority is his first child.

I believe I will eventually tell him, but I'm starting to come to the conclusion that it won't be until after I have the child and have named it. I know he'll never compromise with me on the names.

The decision I've come to at the moment is to break it off with him. I'm not happy in the relationship. I find myself still being a big pushover and not standing my ground. So I gotta find a time to do tell him.

******

Now for another problem.

Before I found out I was pregnant my mom and I had a bit of a fight. It was the final straw and so I had Du's friend come pick me up and I stayed with Du. for about a week. Then I went to my friend's house when Du. started to become too much to handle.

I talked with my friend and she said I could stay there as long as I needed. But I was emotional at the time because of dealing with Du. and then finding out I was pregnant. So I started to get homesick and wanted to sleep in my own bed. So I had my mom come and get me Sunday. My car is broken so I can't drive myself around.

When she did, she texted me that she'd gotten there and I had to get my shoes on and put my computer in my bag. Took me maybe 2 minutes. But apparently my mother was in a hurry and so texted me, "Come on. You knew I was on my way so what's the hold up?"

When I got outside I asked her if she had to be somewhere and she replied with a laugh, "Not here." The laugh wasn't much to keep me from being angry.

After we got groceries we started back to her house. Along the way she started lecturing me, for the umpteenth time, about how inconvenient it is for her to let me drive her truck so I can have a job. That I should have taken better care of my car and that her husband will look at it and try to fix it as long as I understand that I need to keep up on the maintenance. But the big part was about how she had to sacrifice stuff she earned because I couldn't take care of things I had.

I understand her annoyance but she's given me this lecture a million times and I'm sick and tired of it. The big reason why I left the day of the fight was because she'd become increasingly bitter about helping me despite all my efforts to make the most of it and to make things easier for her and her husband while I'm in their house. I clean up after myself and I do the dishes every single day. When company comes over I clean my bathroom and help her finish cleaning whatever she figures needs to be clean.

I was diligently looking for a job as well.

But she couldn't see any of that. She just kept complaining to my oldest sister about how ungrateful I am and how I'm not doing anything to find a job. So when my sister called me to talk about it I had to tell her what was really going on and she then called my mom back and hinted to her about who was really doing the dishes.

Apparently my mother thought her husband was doing them. Which was stupid because lord forbid that man even so much as wipe up a spot of soup or something he's gotten on the counter or floor.

So anyways I was tired of it all. I thought things were going to be a bit better now but they're not. As soon as I got into her truck she started stressing me out. I'm already stressed with my job because I hate it. I get few hours and little pay and because they don't make enough money there's only one person per shift. So if I want to take my break, I have to clock out and close the store. If I want to go pee, I have to close the store.

And there's all this stuff in the manual about getting change from the bank before your run out. Well that's not possible to do because I am alone. Friday I had to make change from the other tills which means they'll be low.

So I feel like I made a mistake in coming back. I've talked to my friend and as soon as I can I will be going back over there. It'll be a lot easier because she doesn't mind helping people out as long as she gets the help she needs in return. Which is just going to be gas money and I told her I'd pay half her rent.

It'll be easier there for my being pregnant as well. My mom doesn't know. I want to get a better job and get into some medical transcription classes before I tell her. I can't tell my mom any big news without covering all my bases first or else I get this huuuuuge lecture about how irresponsible I am. I have to pretty much make a big presentation to win her over. So I want to show her I've got a good job and I'm taking steps to make sure I'll have a sort-of career that I can use to help support me and the baby. So she most likely won't know until I know the sex of the baby.

I also haven't told my dad. I know he won't be a big deal but I'm afraid even if I swear him to secrecy he'll tell my mom. Only my friends and my sisters know.

So very stressful, lol. Hopefully I can get everything together soon.
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  #7  
March 8th, 2011, 06:19 AM
in_mommy's Avatar I am just me
Join Date: Mar 2004
Posts: 14,873
Can you go and stay with one of your sisters or anyone else?? I think you have enough stress as it is right now that I dont think you need the added stress your mom is giving you. I would think that once you have your stuff packed up and you dont return to Du's house, that he would probably get the hint. I hope you stay safe!!
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  #8  
March 11th, 2011, 06:21 AM
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Yeah I would definately try to stay with your sister! (Or your friend, of course, do what ever makes you feel the most comfortable!) I am sorry your mom is acting that way towards you. You sure do have a lot on your plate right now-but I am very impressed with your thought-process. You seem to be making good decisions for you and your baby. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
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