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  #1  
June 17th, 2006, 12:44 PM
AlexBebe's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Apr 2006
Posts: 998
Hello everyone!
I am a frequent poster and reader in the TTC 6 months + forum, but this topic needs a different place to go. I hope you all don't mind if I post and vent here!
On Thursday evening my DH was out. I sat down on the couch and grabbed my laptop to work on my report cards. I should tell you that most nights I hit the sack around 10pm and DH doesn't come to bed until much later. He often uses my laptop to search the sports sites etc, once I've gone to bed. So back to Thursday evening.........I grab the computer, settle down to work. When I open it, the screen saver lets up and a dating website is starring at me. Not only was there a dating website, my DH's profile, and picture was also right infront of me. I've been married 10 years next week, and this isn't the first time we've had to deal with such websites. The last time I busted him because he was having online chats with one of my friends from University. He swore he wasn't doing anything wrong - he was just typing about general stuff. He promised to never do it again because of how I reacted.
So there I was seeing it all unfold again. I read his profile. He claimed to be single, with one child (this is the only part that is true). He also stated that he was looking for a female to "hang out" with and if this hanging out progressed to more, he'd be ok with that. He posted one picture of himself, and he offered to send the girls more if they asked.
My blood was boiling as I read.
He came home about an hour later, and I shoved the laptop in his face. He didn't deny it, but he turned around and claimed that he had found me on there too!!! I have never visited any of these websites, so I knew he was full of ****, however I humoured him and suggested that he find "my profile" for me to see.
So he pulled up this profile of a girl one year younger than me, no picture, same city. Gee there are at least 50,000 people in our town - it could have been anyone. I told him to take his evidence and stuff it. He laughed at me, claimed I was denying the obvious, and left the room. I didn't speak to him the remainder of the night. Yesterday he comes home from work (I'd been off doing report cards at home) with a new lawn furniture set that I have been pining over, and 4 dozen roses. He wallowed at my mercy and begged for forgiveness. He made all sorts of promises (I'll never do it again, etc), and then sat back to hear my lecture. I told him that I didn't want to talk about it at that moment, and that I will need some time to think about what my next move will be.
So apparently he's taken that as "it's dealt with, time to act normal again".
My next move wasn't something I ever thought I would do. I went on the same dating website, registered as a user, and sent him an email. My information is obviously very different from the truth. I requested some more of his pictures, and I told him about all of our similarities. I figure if he responds, he's a dead man. But I feel like I am trapping him.

What are your views on this internet stuff? Should I be as upset as I am? I feel as though he has slept with someone else. Should I have gone and sent him that email (from the fake woman's account)?

Any suggestions would be great. I'm feeling as though I can't trust him at all.

Oh, he also claimed that he would never have met anyone. We are TTC our 2nd child, and he said that he wouldn't be so interested in having another baby if he wasn't happy in his marriage. He claims he's just bored at night (after I've gone to bed).

Right after I had our 1st child (6 years ago) he had an affair and left. It took me two years to forgive, and we had moved well past that. We were very young when we married, and neither one of us was ready. During the two years, he showed me a different man. We only moved in together again 2 years ago.

I'm having dejavue feelings.

Help!

Alex
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  #2  
June 17th, 2006, 01:39 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 4,201
I dont think he can be trusted! He's done it once and if he was that committed to you he knows its his responsibility to make sure he doesn't do anything that would even remotely point to cheating.

Hes admitting he used it when he was "bored" but how do you know that? He could have had the profile a long time and met woman by now. The fact that he even made a profile and claimed single should be a big hint. If he was really bored when you went to bed, he could have played online games, took up a hobby anything!

Im sorry but it just sounds like hes bad news. I hope it works out if that is what you want but I think you'd be much happier with someone who loves and respects you and is committed to your family.
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  #3  
June 17th, 2006, 02:12 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: New York
Posts: 4,307
I would feel the same way as you. I am just crossing my fingers that he does not respond to "you."

At that point, if he does, it is probably time for you to sit down and do some serious thinking.

I hope it all works out for the best.
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  #4  
June 17th, 2006, 02:53 PM
appifanie's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: NY
Posts: 1,962
Quote:
Should I be as upset as I am?[/b]
yes! looking @ porn or whatever online is one thing, but actively looking for other women is HORRIBLE.

good luck to you w/ whatever happens
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  #5  
June 17th, 2006, 05:08 PM
Regular
Join Date: Apr 2006
Posts: 80
It sounds to me like he can't be trusted at all!! I am the type that could have never forgivin him the first time so you are a better person than I for giving it another try. I hope you can find what you are looking for and I pray he doesn't answer your ad. My ex boyfriend did that. Good luck!!
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  #6  
June 17th, 2006, 06:48 PM
greenjeans's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Galveston, TX
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I'd make it a point to toss the roses and take back what he bought me. Let him know your love isn't for sale. When you get your money back, buy a small tent and tell him that's where he'll be staying for a while until you figure out what you want to do. THen maybe he'll figure out he did a whoopsie and you can figure out what you want to do. Personally, I'd pack his bags.
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  #7  
June 17th, 2006, 07:02 PM
AlexBebe's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Apr 2006
Posts: 998
Yes ladies, you are all right.
I am way too forgiving - I know that. As of just now, he has not responded to the ad. I did return the new patio furniture this afternoon. He hasn't said a thing regarding the return though. He's pretty much kissing butt right now - as he should be. The problem is that it doesn't make me trust him anymore.
A few months ago, I was in a similar position. An ex from 13 years ago, contacted me to let me know he was getting married. I met him for drinks, but didn't tell my DH. I knew it was no big deal, but that DH would probably think otherwise. Not a wise move - I know, but I went. DH found out. He was so angry and hurt that I kept it a secret - now the shoes are on the other foot.

I'm beginning to wonder why I have spent 10 years trying to make this work.
There truly are a lot of great times, in fact the bad ones are few and far between. But when they're bad, they are really bad.

I'm in limbo - not sure what the final outcome is.

Needless to say, TTC #2 is out. I'll be going back on the pill at the end of this cycle. (I picked up my pills tonight).

Thanks again for all of your insight!

Much appreciated,

Alex
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  #8  
June 17th, 2006, 07:24 PM
mrobinson
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Posts: n/a
Alex, I just seen your posts... I am so sorry. You're a smart girl...

Quote:
Needless to say, TTC #2 is out. I'll be going back on the pill at the end of this cycle. (I picked up my pills tonight).[/b]
Super smart!



If you ever wanna chat, please feel free to pm me.

Cheers, Michelle
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  #9  
June 18th, 2006, 08:06 AM
syncere
Guest
Posts: n/a
Quote:
On Thursday evening my DH was out. I sat down on the couch and grabbed my laptop to work on my report cards. I should tell you that most nights I hit the sack around 10pm and DH doesn't come to bed until much later. He often uses my laptop to search the sports sites etc, once I've gone to bed. So back to Thursday evening.........I grab the computer, settle down to work. When I open it, the screen saver lets up and a dating website is starring at me. Not only was there a dating website, my DH's profile, and picture was also right infront of me. I've been married 10 years next week, and this isn't the first time we've had to deal with such websites. The last time I busted him because he was having online chats with one of my friends from University. He swore he wasn't doing anything wrong - he was just typing about general stuff. He promised to never do it again because of how I reacted.
So there I was seeing it all unfold again. I read his profile. He claimed to be single, with one child (this is the only part that is true). He also stated that he was looking for a female to "hang out" with and if this hanging out progressed to more, he'd be ok with that. He posted one picture of himself, and he offered to send the girls more if they asked.
My blood was boiling as I read.[/b]
Right there I would have flipped out. Ive previously had problems with DH being on a site before as well hes military and at the time I didnt live here with him yet (before we were married but, still engaged). While I was here visiting I went to the site checked his private messages out found out he was asking girls for pictures normal and "otherwise". I told him if I ever saw that again that was it I was done. We got married I moved out here and SEVERAL times he has lied to me about downloading porn and talking to girls online. Once the trust has been broken you will always wonder. I still check up on my husbands internet history DAILY. We had this problem yet again not more than a month ago with the porn. Some of you dont think looking at porn is a big deal but, when youve had problems it is. I asked him what do I have to do to make you understand Im done having this discussion? I asked him if I had to move back to the state I was living in before for a while to make him see Im so tired of being lied to. He is no longer allowed to use certain messangers and not allowed to visit sites that I find questionable. He can only talk to the females I have talked to previously and that I am comfortable with. Is he talking to other girls behind my back? Could be.. All I can tell you is this the next time I catch him lying to me about ANYTHING computer related either he gives me all his passwords to everything so I can check up on him whenever I feel the need too or I will be GONE. I feel that once youve given them so many chances to be honest its sometimes better to just leave. A marriage without trust is NEVER going to be a happy one and there will always be far too much stress in it. Its all up to you how much longer you put up with this. I wish I could say he will change and stop but if youve been married for 10 years and this is still happening he could never stop and this could ALWAYS be an issue with you two. I hope it gets better for you being that Im currently going through similar things and know how stressful it is..
Quote:
Quote:
Should I be as upset as I am?[/b]
yes! looking @ porn or whatever online is one thing, but actively looking for other women is HORRIBLE.
good luck to you w/ whatever happens
[/b]
See I dont even agree with looking at porn online if you are married. Ive had problems with my DH about that so..
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  #10  
June 18th, 2006, 10:09 AM
Regular
Join Date: Apr 2006
Posts: 71
I am new here but this post hit close to home. Before I got married, my fiancee would talk to girls online. I asked him to please get rid of his instant messengers on his computer because he was only using them to date around when he was single. He did it without a complaint. I know that he has not redownloaded any of them. But, if I caught him with an instant messenger or talking to girls online, I would be packing my bags and leaving him.

Not to tell you what to do, but I really hate that men think it is okay to lie and sneak around. Honestly, I would ask yourself if you can trust him again. If he does email you, I would tell him to leave. You are supposed to be married to your husband, not be his keeper. I think it sucks when women have to keep track of their husbands to keep them in line. It stops the relationship from being loving, and forces the woman to become the bad guy because she is labeled as controlling. Its funny how the guy doesn't seem to realize if he would just stay faithful that she wouldn't be invading his privacy. Thats just my opinion though.
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  #11  
June 18th, 2006, 10:38 AM
beck12's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Michigan
Posts: 12,330
It makes me so sad to read this. I have never been in that position & don't really know exactly what I would do - but initially it casues me to want to be violent. (I suppose I might act differently though if hte situation were right in front of me).

I want you to at least now that there isn't a good excuse. Not all men do this - so that means it isn't like it's a gender flaw - it's a personal flaw. He can't blame it on boredom - people get bored all the time - get a hobby. I also don't think cheating has ANYTHING to do with being unhappy ion a marriage necesarily. You can behappy in a marriage & still seek excitement - or simply sex. To claim that TTC#2 is somehow proof of fidelity is proposterous. IF he were cheating (IF) - of course it sould mean he still wants hte marriage at some level or he would simply leave & then date. Lots of married men want their cake & eat it too - it's no proof of anything. I hope he doesn't answer your ad - I can't imagine how hard htat would be for you.

I know you have a lot on your mind & I ditto everything Michelle said & kudos to you for the way you are handling this. You deserve better than to have his online sneaking blamed on you for some "profile" you supposedly had - I would wonder if the reason he knew it was there is because he had previously already scanned for who was interested that lived in your area.
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  #12  
June 18th, 2006, 12:12 PM
in_mommy's Avatar I am just me
Join Date: Mar 2004
Posts: 14,873
Sadly a lot of men think all they have to do is kiss up for a while and say they are sorry and think everything is ok. They dont realize the hurt that is felt when trust is broken. Trust is not easy to earn sometimes, especially after you have been burned more than once. I hope that he does not respond to the message and I am glad to hear that you are back on the pill for the time being. If he is so bored, then maybe he needs to go to some counseling and learn some new constructive ways to deal with his boredom.
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  #13  
June 18th, 2006, 01:31 PM
AlexBebe's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Apr 2006
Posts: 998
All of you are so wonderful and supportive.

He still hasn't responded to my ad - so far.

He is still behaving as though nothing happened. He even tried to get some action last night. I was having no part of that. I can't even look at him affectionately right now. I can't help but try to figure out a reason why he would feel the need to do this. I have lost 22 pounds, I'm feeling and looking great, our sex life has always been exciting and frequent - it just doesn't make sense. One of you asked about councelling - he has been in private councelling for years now. He has not had a wonderful life, and he carries a lot of baggage. The only thing I think of is that he is feeling insecure because of my recent advancements. It's still no excuse - I agree.

This is quite painful. I feel unappreciated, disrespected, hurt, and offended. It's been a whirlwind of emotions.

He tried again today to butter me up - he took our daughter out for a Father's Day breakfast, and they returned with flowers for me - again. This time he had our DD give them to me, so I couldn't throw them out!

The card read: "You are my life, and my future. I have hurt you, and please know that I will never hurt you again. I truly love you with all of my being."

Yeah, sure you do.

Alex
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  #14  
June 18th, 2006, 04:26 PM
proudmom3's Avatar Wait for it....
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OMG!!!! What a stinking RAT!!! he is married!! NOOOO it is not ok to place a DATING ADD, not to mention he LIED and said he was SINGLE!

i would had done the same thing!! i wuld had too placed and add just to "SEE" if he response....i would even go as far as tro do it again, he might have been exspecting you to do something like that! MEN!!!!! what an butt munch!!

i bet you anything i got that he will respond to that email, he is just givin it a few days to blow over.........
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  #15  
June 19th, 2006, 06:22 AM
appifanie's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: NY
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Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Should I be as upset as I am?[/b]
yes! looking @ porn or whatever online is one thing, but actively looking for other women is HORRIBLE.
good luck to you w/ whatever happens
[/b]
See I dont even agree with looking at porn online if you are married. Ive had problems with my DH about that so..
[/b]
well i do think there are certainly limits and if he's like looking at porn but doesn't want to have sex w/ you, or there's other effects of the porn then it isn't allowed. but my dh's porn viewing is quite limited and i know he's still interested in me, so i'm okay with it.
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  #16  
June 19th, 2006, 07:07 AM
syncere
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Quote:
well i do think there are certainly limits and if he's like looking at porn but doesn't want to have sex w/ you, or there's other effects of the porn then it isn't allowed. but my dh's porn viewing is quite limited and i know he's still interested in me, so i'm okay with it.[/b]
I would be fine with it if the lies and etc had never started KWIM? If he had just said "oh just so you know I d/l some porn last night" I would have simply said ok thank you for telling me.. that would have been the end of it.. Some women are fine with it others are not.. The ones who tend to NOT be ok with it like myself have had some type of problems with it before.
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  #17  
June 19th, 2006, 03:36 PM
greenjeans's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I think that if your dh has a problem with a computer at home, then maybe you shouldn't have a computer at home, at least until you work everything out and he seeks help for his issues.
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  #18  
June 19th, 2006, 04:19 PM
oLawdImaMomma's Avatar Veteran
Join Date: Aug 2005
Posts: 287
I would have done the same thing you did. there are a lot of other things to do online besides join dating sites and chat with other women. and if he thinks that some flowers are going to make up for what he did he is wrong. i know that when you have finally moved past a rough place in a relationship you want to give the other person a second chance but if he put that he was single and anything more was ok with him he probably meant what he said. i would save yourself more heartache and kick him to the curb. thats just my 2 cents though.
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  #19  
June 19th, 2006, 06:40 PM
M!che!!e's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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my father did this to my mother and though they are still married their relationship could be alot better. if my husband did it to me i would serve him with papers the next day. i refuse to put up with that bs.

my dad also "bought my mother off" after she caught him the second time with a huge diamond ring and a kitchen aid mixer. if i were you i would suggest marriage counciling and see where that goes.

i understand about the extra baggage but he should be thrilled you are improving yourself, not make it negative and then claim that is why he is on these dating sites.
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  #20  
June 19th, 2006, 08:19 PM
AlexBebe's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Apr 2006
Posts: 998
Good Evening Ladies:

A lot of you have brought up the issue of porn, and I just wanted to let you know that we have never had a problem with that. To be honest, I am probably more into it than he is! He has never been interested in that.

The issue is certainly not at rest. As I stated in another post - today has been a whirl wind of activity due to my accident - so we really haven't discussed the issues at hand today.

It's hard to know whether he's still kissing butt, or really cares about my well being. He's been waiting on me hand and foot since I got home (running the bath, making dinner, taking our DD out to let me rest) all things that he doesn't normally do without asking.

Who knows......................I don't feel like reading into it tonight.

I'm staying home tomorrow, and DH doesn't have to work until 3:30pm, so it very well may be a good time for me to finally raise the issue and deal with it head on instead of continuing to postpone the much needed chat.

Good night everyone!

Alex
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