Okay, one of my dearest friends is in the beginning of what will be an incredibly nasty divorce. She and her soon to be ex-DH were married something like 18 years. He has been cheating on her apparently for years and he finally just left a month or so ago.

She is doing things I don't agree with. She is hacking into his work email and his cell phone. She is listening to his personal messages. She is going into his bank account. She's stopping checks. She even took him off their auto insurance (but then realized her kids will be in the car with him at some point and put him back on). She is totally out for revenge right now, which is something I understand. He betrayed her in the deepest way a man can. She is even trying to get it so he can't see the kids anymore (apparently there is something in CA law that says if the non-custodial parent is dating someone else prior to being legally separated and/or divorced ... the courts won't allow visitation due to emotional stress on the children). I think that's going a bit too far .. in any case her kids are 13 and nearly-16 ... if they don't want to see their dad, it's their choice.

But it makes me feel uncomfortable supporting her doing this stuff. I say "well he deserves it" to her, which of course he does (he deserves castration and a good whipping, while I'm at it ) ... but that doesn't mean she should be doing it.

She is not eating. She's lost 30 pounds in a month. She is not sleeping at all - she said she's worked up to 4 hours a day.

Might I add that not even a week before her DH left her, she had a miscarriage at 10 weeks of pregnancy .... while on a family trip to Hawaii ...

I know she is hurting, I know she is angry, and I know she is depressed. She is not thinking rationally ... and I really just don't know what to say to her. I talked her into seeing her son's therapist for a bit tonight (her son has MASSIVE problems with ADHD) ... she went (thank god) and says she feels a bit better. I'm hoping she'll continue to go ...

Ash,

I'm sorry she has to go through this. It does sound like she is out for nothing but PURE REVENGE! I hope she realizes that her kids are watching this. How are they doing?

How are you? It is hard. My ex-best friend went through a seperation and during it did many things I disagreed with but I didn't know what to do. At the time I was single, so she felt that I couldn't understand and therefore should only support her. I think & know from experience(It happened with me & Mike...PM or Email if want to know more) when your man hurts you like your friend's did and mine's did, the automatic reaction of many women is to lash out. They have been betrayed, like you said, they want to get some satisifaction in knowing they hurt him at least some if not as much as they were hurt. JMHO & what I have seen and wanted to do myself.

((Hugs)) Just be there for her, she needs someone to be steady in her life right now.

Take Care of yourself, too!

Thanks Becky ... we need to talk on AIM a bit!! Maybe tomorrow? Randy works 8am - 10pm.

[Ann_momof2]

Definitely a fustrating situation, but it seems that you are doing the best to see that she goes to counciling. All you can really do is be supportive. Good luck!

[kookaburra]

Ashley,

That's a tough situation and I think you're doing the right thing by just being there for her and supporting her. You sound like you're being a good friend and that's what she needs most right now.

I will share some of the best advice I ever received from a friend. When I was in college I went though a really rough time; my mom died and I went through a bad breakup with my boyfriend whom I had thought I was going to marry. Anyway, I was feeling very angry and betrayed and was starting to become self-destructive and had many periods where I just wanted to “lash out.” My roommate, and a wonderful, wise woman, told that I should take all that negative energy and all my anger and channel it into something positive for myself.

I started exercising. Whenever I was feeling overwhelmed I went for a bike ride or went running. It was the best thing I could have done because I was able to turn my anger into something positive for me. I started feeling better about myself and sleeping better. I also think this helped me avoid sinking into depression.

I don't know if something like that would help your friend or not, but it helped me.

Best of luck to you and I hope your friend finds some peace and resolution soon.

Originally posted by kookaburra@Sep 4 2004, 08:16 AM
Ashley,

That's a tough situation and I think you're doing the right thing by just being there for her and supporting her. You sound like you're being a good friend and that's what she needs most right now.

I will share some of the best advice I ever received from a friend. When I was in college I went though a really rough time; my mom died and I went through a bad breakup with my boyfriend whom I had thought I was going to marry. Anyway, I was feeling very angry and betrayed and was starting to become self-destructive and had many periods where I just wanted to “lash out.” My roommate, and a wonderful, wise woman, told that I should take all that negative energy and all my anger and channel it into something positive for myself.

I started exercising. Whenever I was feeling overwhelmed I went for a bike ride or went running. It was the best thing I could have done because I was able to turn my anger into something positive for me. I started feeling better about myself and sleeping better. I also think this helped me avoid sinking into depression.

I don't know if something like that would help your friend or not, but it helped me.

Best of luck to you and I hope your friend finds some peace and resolution soon.

Amber,

That is definitly some great advice!

The only problem though, is she is too weak to work out. I'm telling you guys, she has lost 29 pounds in ONE month because she hasn't been eating. I haven't been down to see her since this whole fiasco started, because of Randy's work schedule and the fact she lives an hour away. But she told me her cheeks are sunken in and people at work are starting to notice. Even her regular customers are noticing. She had 3/4 of a McD's cheeseburger yesterday .. and that's it.

Her DH said he hated her body. That it made him "sick". Her DH is a real piece of work, isn't he? He has said so many horrible things to her. I am not sure if she is trying to be anorexic because of what he said because she wants him back (they were afterall married for nearly 20 years, but she says she doesn't want him back) ... or if its depression from everything that's been happening ... or what.

I just don't know!

I told her she may get in trouble with the Law if she keeps messing with the bank accounts, but she said her lawyer said it was okay to do it.

Sigh.

i hope things work out for her. my friend went through this also except her cheating man was military so she just turned him into his first shirt and really let them do the most part of it. it was tuff on her, i wouldnt ever want to go through it. i hope she gets back up on her feet and starts livng life again. she shouldnt be brought down b/c of this she should learn from it and be happy she is out of such a bad marriage. i really hope the best for her!

[kookaburra]

he only problem though, is she is too weak to work out. I'm telling you guys, she has lost 29 pounds in ONE month because she hasn't been eating.[/b]

Yeah, if your friend has lost so much weight, it probably wouldn't be a good idea for her to start exercising. I feel really bad for her, it sounds like her dh is a real #####

I hope she realizes that soon and can move on with her life.

Lordy, this sounds like me when I went through my divorce (minus the kiddos). It is terribly emotional to know that not only does the "man" who committed his life with you not want you but is already "working it." My ex was with my best friend 2 months after we got married until our divorce..(I never knew why he was leaving right up and until our divorce) that apparently was when it ended. Look, there is no type of advice that your friend will welcome whole heartedly right now, but I'm impressed she was open to visiting with a counselor. Props to her and OMG to you too!!!! You are a good friend for helping her. The BEST thing you can do for her is to continue to be there for her and LISTEN to her. Within a 24 hour period I'd go from upbeat to hysterical several times in a day. It is a terrible experience and I really feel for her. Prayers and hugs to her.....and you too!