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Hi New to this forum. Relatively new to JM (joined in March). I have this situation that has been eating at me for going on a year now. I want to make sure I'm neither being petty nor a door mat.
Back story: I have a friend whom I've had since I was 6 and she was 5. We lost touch around middle/high school and up until 2008 when I found her on Myspace and it turns out she lived 10 mins from me and also has a DD the same age as my DD1. It was awesome bc we became even better friends than we were as children. In the past 3 yrs there have been a few times she has been less than kind to me but I was/ have been understanding bc in 2009 she had 2 miscarriages, one of them was a stillbirth. They are both due to her Lupus. Her DH has gotten the snip back in Jan to prevent her from having any more losses and I know she has tried to not take it out on me but she has occasionally hurt me with remarks that I'm supposing stems from her being upset about me having a baby a year after her losses as well as the fact that I have 3 children altogether and she *just* has the one. The only reason I bring that up is that it may be the cause of the thing that's bothering me. Sorry, I'm getting there...
Ok so, a year ago we purchased our first house. Prior to that we were living in bad conditions for 10 yrs. We were miserable and we also had a very hard time finding a home to buy and it took a yr and a half to finally find the place and 3 months for the buying process. It REALLY was a huge deal when we finally moved in, got unpacked and started living our life the way we always wanted.
We live about 45-60 mins from her now bc we bought property in the country. Here is my big beef:
She has yet to come visit my new place and it really upsets me. I've even been to HER home a few times since we bought this place. I kept directly inviting her here and there was always an excuse usually revolving around the distance. Everyone else in my life has been here but not her and I consider her at times (not so much lately) to be my best friend. How can my best friend not want to see where I live, the place we've been wanting for so long? Gas money is not the issue here. She has plenty of "play money" as she puts it. She's driven many far distances since our moving here.
Finally a couple months ago I decided I would not ask her anymore and when she was ready she could invite herself I suppose. Well, of course that never happened. I've even outright joked about not coming to her house again until she comes out here once. That didn't effect her either.
I'm at the point now where I want to entirely refuse to come out to her place or say one word about her coming out here until she decides all on her own to finally ask if she can come over. I wouldn't say "I'm not coming out there, until you visit me.. neener neener" or anything but I'd just politely decline any invitations and give vague reasons (like she does).
I don't know why my baby would make her not want to come here. She's fine with me bringing my baby there. She knows I don't have a nursery so there isn't that scenery to upset her.
What happened with her babies is more painful than I can even fathom but does it seem to you that my new home and her losses are interrelated? I can't really see how. Deep down I feel it's more a laziness on her part and it really hurts. I don't want our friendship to get messed up in any way but I also don't want to put up with one-sided-ness. I feel I do have a right to be upset with her on this because it's important to me.
Lately, I've found myself not even wanting to talk to her as much because of it. I'm having a very hard time getting past it. I guess I do feel a little petty over it but at the same time I don't think that her losses have anything to do with my home buying. And if she's really happy for me, it seems like she'd be excited to see my dream home. For the record: I brought her flowers at the hospital for both losses and attended her stillborn's memorial service. I've really been available for her during her mourning (which I realize is never ending). I've tried to be careful about what I say to her but also keep in mind that she doesn't want to be treated too special bc of it. For instance she got mad at me once for not sending her ultrasound pics in email bc I guess she caught on that I was trying not to rub it in. I've been very caring towards her and I'd like the same in return.
I don't want to confront her over it bc then she'd come over only bc of that and it'd be all weird.
Thats a tough one. Not really sure what the connection is between the babies and the move though. I think the only way you will get the real reason of what is behind it is to ask her. We could all speculate or try and guess why she hasnt come out but in reality that is all it would be is a guess. Sounds like you need to talk to her about it. It may not have anything to do with you at all and just something she is dealing with. Anyways, I know I wasn't much help but good luck.
Thank you for your response Maybe sometime soon I'll just straight up ask. I feel like it's futile though. At this point we're growing further and further apart. I can't make her give more in our friendship than she's willing to so I guess I'm at that point right now about it. I wish she realized how much it bothers me without me having to tell her. I'm getting numb about her though.
It happens. I have a friend right now who Iím kinda going through that separation thing from as well. Iím not really sure what has happened but she just stopped texting me and answering my calls. I even passed her in town the other day and no wave no nothing. Awhile back I heard she was talking to the kids Dad somewhere in town, which was odd because they didnít have much of a relationship when we were together. They are cousins. She is who I met him through. Anyways, I think he said something to her but I donít know that for a fact. You know! But your right if she doesnít put the effort in why should you. Good Luck! Iíll be your friend.
Awww.. thanks. I'd like to be your friend too. Me and her talked today but not about *the subject*. I'm so passive aggressive that I'll probably just keep letting things go this way and inwardly steam over it. My mom (who's know her for as long as I have) thinks it's just about laziness. So, it's just selfishness, I guess. *sigh* I'm just not very exciting LOL.
With your situation I think the guy def said something to make her quit talking to you. I've had that happen a couple times. The guy gets jealous of you. When the guy breaks their heart again, they better not come crying to us!
Thank you Jenn. Things have just gotten worse day by day with her. We are drifting big time and I'm not doing too much to stop it. I just don't have the energy anymore to do all the caring in this friendship. I figure if the butterfly flies back to me, then she was worth my effort, if not well But nothing will be solved by forcing a friendship. *sigh*
It does hurt us 'givers' but in the long run, we'll be better off to back away now. Problem is that people like her and your neighbor just don't 'get it' and likely never will but yet we still care. *sigh*