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How do I tell her no? (pretty long)


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  #1  
September 3rd, 2011, 10:59 PM
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 27
My grandmother (technically step grandmother, I'll get to that in a bit) has it set in her mind that I want her down here when I give birth. In all honesty, I dont. I know, this sounds mean and a bit heartless, but there's reason for it. She didnt even ask how I felt about it; I got a text from my mother one night saying "your grandmother says she's going down when you're due". Uh, thanks for telling or even asking me and leaving it up to my mother to tell me. I went home to visit family a few weeks ago and sure enough she finally confirmed to me that she has plans to come to New York when I'm due, even though I talked to her several times between getting my mother's text and going home and she never mentioned it over the phone.

Let me give you some background on her. My grandfather had three kids with my real grandmother, my mother, uncle and aunt. She passed away when they were young and my grandfather remarried, the woman I call nana. They had two sons of their own, but before they were born my mother and aunt have told me so many horror stories of her when they were growing up. They were out late one night and when they got home my grandmother decided to cook dinner anyway. My aunt was tired and a bit fussy and didnt really want to eat. That angered my grandmother so what'd she do? Whacked my aunt on the back of the head. She made cabbage another night and my mother was struggling to eat it, forcing herself to, and my grandmother wouldnt take no for an answer. It got to the point where my mom was gagging so much my grandfather finally stepped in and said enough is enough, she cant eat anymore of it. My grandmother dropped everything and left the table in a huff. I've been told she would make them sit on the floor with their plates and eat there if they angered her enough. But when her first biological son was born, she calmed down and by the time my youngest uncle was born she let the two of them get away with pretty much anything. They grew up and my aunt joined the Air Force and met a great guy overseas. They got married over there and came home to the states to having wedding receptions with each family. They trusted my grandmother to help, as I've heard it's tradition for the bride's family to be responsible for the wedding. They didnt have much money, and gave her pretty much everything they had to go into the wedding. They wanted a good DJ, good looking suits for the men, and a bar. Not much to ask for, right? Well, my grandmother managed to throw that all away. They gave her around $2000-3000, and what did they get? An Amvet hall that my grandmother pretty much runs yet she made them pay for, my grandmother's brother in law for a DJ only because she knew him, store bought beer and there wasnt even enough for everyone (someone had to run across the street and buy more!) and the suits for the men in the wedding? A very tacky cheap looking vinyl silver with purple trim. Yeah, you read right. And the sleeves on all of them were way too short. Where did the money go? From what my aunt told me, her two little brothers just HAD to have a new video game system and new video games. Luckily they went to my uncle's home state and had an absolutely beautiful wedding with his family in a gorgeous church. What a lovely woman to trust with money huh? Fast forward, she has a few grandkids now; myself, my sister, and two sets of cousins. She plays favorites so horribly and makes it completely obvious. Every time she sees me she just has to take me out to eat, usually during the day when my sister isnt home. The second my sister walks through the door "I have to go pick up grampa from work" and she leaves. For her birthday, my sister's gotten $10 Wal Mart gift cards and little more. What do I get for mine, to this day? Twenty, thirty bucks or so. One of my younger cousins was telling her how she wanted a camera for her birthday, so of course my grandmother would get it for her. She was telling me at one store regular price was around $200 or so, maybe a little less, and it was on sale for around $110. Guess who was going to get it? My TURNING ELEVEN year old cousin! An eleven year old does NOT need a camera that expensive! And from what I'm assuming she only wanted it to take pictures of herself because my grandmother's photo album on her cell phone was completely full of my cousin taking pictures of herself making pretty much the same face in every one of them. For Christmas, my two cousins that my aunt had wanted a barbie and I dont remember what her son wanted but he ended up getting a used 12 in 1 board game type of thing that's older than I am (I say that because I got the same exact thing from her for one of my birthdays) that my mother said my grandmother probably just dug out from the Amvet Hall basement. That didnt really bother my cousin because he likes logical games like chess and such, but the board was used and worn, and my aunt said there was a huge scratch in the middle of it, and not just a pencil scratch; it looked like someone had taken something really sharp, jammed it in the board and just dragged it down the middle. My aunt's daughter wanted a barbie, like most young girls. What did she get from my grandmother? A cheap dollar store plastic doll obviously not even barbie brand that broke when they were opening the case. One Christmas, we were at my grandparents' place having a yearly Christmas party. Myself and the other set of my cousins were opening gift after gift, while all my sister got was a notebook and pen. I felt so awful I gave her a present when we got home that I was going to give her Christmas morning. My father loves those little snack cakes, and he got two or three boxes of them from my grandmother, nothing more. My uncle that her step daughter had never heard of fluff before (Dont know if it's a national thing or not, but for those that dont know it's basically a marshmallow spread that goes with peanut butter on sandwiches), tried it one year and loved it. You probably guessed what he got for Christmas that year. A jar of ****** fluff. My aunt is constantly telling her that she doesnt shop at Wal Mart and she absolutely hates it, yet just about every special occasion my grandmother sends Wal Mart gift cards.

Now I'm pregnant and she's all thrilled about it. I simply mentioned one day on facebook that I was looking at cribs on babies r us and how some of them were ridiculously priced and the crib set alone cost more than the entire bedroom set my boyfriend and I had. Next thing I know she's coming up to me while I was home telling me she bought one for me without even taking into consideration everyone elses' thoughts or wants! I heard her bragging to my mother later that night that she got one and "It was only $150!" Yes, it was used too, but "only a couple times" if I remember what she said. Throughout the night and the week I was home she kept saying how I WAS taking the crib next time I was home and how my boyfriend and I WERE taking a U-Haul to bring it back down to NY or even take her car to take it back. Um, no we're not. Who knows how often it was really used, if there were any dangerous paints, how sturdy it was and so on. My boyfriend's parents wanted to buy the crib, and after my grandmother was bragging how she got one my mother came out and said she wanted to buy it as well. My mom had to talk to my grandmother and tell her to back off and she cant be impulse buying because she's not the only one who wants to buy things for our baby. Oh and by the way, when her youngest, biological son had HIS first baby, she didnt help. My aunt had to shell out $400-500 for a crib on her own. She bought all my baby cousin's clothes. I dont know what my grandmother did to help. I dont understand that; her own son has a baby and she doesnt jump in to help before anyone else gets a chance to do anything but her step granddaughter is pregnant and all of a sudden she just has to run everything. She thinks she's running my baby shower, too. Next time I'm home for the holidays she thinks she's throwing me one, and it will be a "Jack and Jill" party so EVERYONE'S invited. Yet my mother told me it was up to the expecting mother's mother to throw the baby shower. Then a few days after my grandmother suddenly started making all these baby shower plans, no all of a sudden it would be easier if I just created a baby registry and people can go off of that and just have it all sent to me in New York. What the heck, woman?! Since when did you run everything?! Now I had to find out from my mother she's invited herself down here when I'm due, and she doesnt work so she could be here as long as she really wants to be. GREAT. She babysits my baby cousin every weekday and from day one other family members have said she just complains how my aunt mothers my cousin; she doesnt feed the baby often enough, she puts the baby to bed way too late and so on, yet my cousin sleeps a lot throughout the day. This woman also loves to twist things into what she wants it to be and she seems to think whatever she says is the truth and how things really happened. I dont remember exactly what I told her, but she calls my mother up later and tells her something completely different and my mother comes up to me asking "why did you say this, she told me you did" when whatever my grandmother told my mom was nothing close to the truth. I know she doesnt like my boyfriend, my sister's told me many times, yet when she talks to me she's so two faced and says things like "we want to see him again!" and "give him a hug for me!", lying to my face. And if she doesnt get what she wants and things dont go her way, she throws a fit. My grandfather has had a couple strokes and he's always meant the world to me; he helped my mom raise me when my biological father walked out. My grandmother uses him to get to my emotions, because she knows I'll drop everything and rush to his side if something should happen to him. I cant stand this woman, no one in my family really can honestly. I dont want her down here when I give birth and certainly dont want her hanging around for who knows how long after I'm released from the hospital. She called us when I was pregnant a few years ago and said the same thing, she was going to go to NC (where we lived then) when I was due and had the audacity to tell my boyfriend that SHE wanted to be the FIRST ONE to hold the baby! I'm sure she has it set in her mind that she will be this time too but I'm NOT letting that happen! I dont want her here because I know if she is my boyfriend and I wont get ANY time with the baby. No one gets any time with my baby cousin when she's around and the second she starts crying my grandmother rushes right over not giving anyone the chance to figure out what's wrong with the baby and takes her away. She just drives me absolutely crazy and i dont want her here I'm so frustrated!! I've told my mother several times I dont, and I dont know how to break it to her that I dont and my boyfriend doesnt either. If we tell her no, she wont ever let us live it down and wont let the rest of the family forget it. What do I honestly do about this?
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  #2  
September 4th, 2011, 10:56 AM
mindy scott's Avatar I love being me :)
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WOW ! It sounds like you need to just tell her this is time you want for just you an your BF and your mom and his . Tell her you appreciate the offer but you have all the help you need if need be turn it around and say oh we wouldnt want to bother you we will be alright you dont need to travel we will send lots of pics . Well what ever you do good luck an stand your ground ! This is about you and your baby she needs to know that and know its not about her in anyway !
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  #3  
September 4th, 2011, 01:01 PM
plan4fate's Avatar I may bend, but not break
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I usually worry about other people's feelings.. until I feel like I'm backed into a corner (like you are) then I have no problem telling it like it is.

I'm not even TTC, and my family is already pondering how they can all be here for the baby's birth. Well I told them that only 3 of them are welcome in the first place. Mom, Nan, Papa. That's it. No Aunts, no cousins.. they were upset, but they also see why.

I'd flat out tell her to back off. If she insists on coming, I'd alert the hospital that you don't want any unapproved visitors.
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  #4  
September 6th, 2011, 06:50 PM
in_mommy's Avatar I am just me
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Wow, what a nut job!! As hard as it may be, your just going to have to tell her not to come. Tell her that there is not room or whatever you can come up if you don't want to tell her the truth. Make a post of FB that you guys were given a beautiful brand new crib and let everyone else know that isn't really the truth. If she still insists, like the PP said, alert the nurses that you do not want this woman around and they will keep her out.
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  #5  
September 13th, 2011, 08:00 PM
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Join Date: Sep 2011
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I really do want to tell her dont bother, but like I said if I do she'll find ways to make me feel absolutely guilty for it and the rest of the family will hear about it for years and I dont want to put them through that. There was one day at least 5-6 years ago she was visiting my parents' house and my sister didnt give her a hug, and she STILL nags my sister about it every time they see each other! If she's capable of complaining and nagging about something that minor imagine me telling her not to come to New York! She'll take that to her grave!
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  #6  
September 14th, 2011, 12:49 PM
MzzMommaD's Avatar Sleepy Rat Rattery
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Dont tell her you went into labor? just sneak in the people you want and when she asks tell her oh! It happened so quickly i didnt get a chance to call! Or tell her you went into labor and didnt make it to the hospital and had the baby on the way? There MUST be a way to get out of it.. believe me, i ended up having security remove my ex's mother..... she forced a doula into my room that i had never met until i was already in labor. Then she forced me to sit in a tub and i vomited everywhere.... so if worst comes to worst you may have to take it to the extent of security. Im sure the rest of your family will understand, even if she doesnt...
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  #7  
September 16th, 2011, 03:50 PM
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It's not really that easy. I'm not trying to make excuses to get out of telling her no, believe me it's been on my mind since she said she was coming down. She doesnt work and doesnt do anything all day so she'll probably show up long before my water even breaks. I'm not the kind of person that can just flat out say go away, I never have been able to be straight forward :/
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