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  #1  
June 30th, 2006, 11:16 AM
Chunky Monkey's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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OK so as many of you know the problem with the psycho girl has pretty much been resolved. Well, I just found some more information on my DH.

He had me go into his MySpace account for something today. HE gave me his password and everything. Well, while in there I decided to do a little snooping. Wrong, I know and now I wish I hadn't.

There was a girl he was talking to a while back, a friend of a colleague he works with. I was really uncomfortable because of the type of person she was. DH told me I had nothing to worry about, she was a friend of Eric's and she lives over 100 miles away in Cleveland. Finally he agreed if it made me feel better, he would quit talking to her.
A couple of weeks later I checked his MySpace since I still knew the password at the time. He was still sending messages back & forth with her about BDSM stuff. I guess she is into that kinda thing and goes full force. Well DH started asking for pictures, saying if she ever came back to this area and there is a BDSM dungeon around here, maybe they would check it out. Well, I was livid! I confronted him and he tried to give me some BS story about how he was talking about US going with her. I didn't buy it because he knows that is not my type of thing....I am not opposed to a little light bondage but this is hardcore stuff! We went round and round about it and he even tried to get his friend Ally to agree with him but Ally could see whre I was coming from.

DH deleted her off of his friends list and promised he would never talk to her again. But when I was in his MySpace, I found a message SAVED about how great she looked in the BDSM clothes and how he can't wait to go to one of these dungeons with her. I don't know what to do about it. I mean, the message is from 2 weeks ago, not real recent. I don't know if I should confront him, risking a big fight, especially since I am pregnant and high-risk. I don't know if I should ignore it.

In any event, I have males on my friends list, mostly guys I have been friends with for forever and even the guy who does my body piercings. He has other females but they are either ones he went to school with or fellow EMS. I am not threatened by anyone else he is friends with. When he talks to Ally (who also happens now to be my friend), yes they talk about sex in general but she has already told me she does not find my DH attractive and would never do that. After meeting her, I know she has no intentions other than to be his friend.

I just needed to vent a little. I just feel so hurt and betrayed by the one person who is supposed to love me, forsaking all others.
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  #2  
June 30th, 2006, 04:28 PM
asianmama
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sorry u are going through this, especially cuz ur pregnant. i would suguest not saying anything cuz i really dont want u to possibly loose ur temper which might harm the baby.
may i ask why u are high risk?????

is there any reason he needs myspace? if there is no reason for it ask him to delate his account.

i am so glad psyco chick is gone. but it sucks u have more issues come up as soon a one issue leaves.
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  #3  
June 30th, 2006, 05:13 PM
Chunky Monkey's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Quote:
sorry u are going through this, especially cuz ur pregnant. i would suguest not saying anything cuz i really dont want u to possibly loose ur temper which might harm the baby.
may i ask why u are high risk?????

is there any reason he needs myspace? if there is no reason for it ask him to delate his account.

i am so glad psyco chick is gone. but it sucks u have more issues come up as soon a one issue leaves. [/b]

I am high-risk because I have had 2 m/c's and was put on bedrest with my last 2 pregnancies for preterm labor.

We both have MySpace accounts. Seems like a lot of women out there loves men in uniform. There was another girl who wouldn't leave him alone because she had fetishes for police, fire, EMS, military, etc. She finally left him alone after I made a fool out of her because she was just looking for someone to support her and her 3 kids and get a free ride so she didn't have to work.
I have had my MySpace since 2004 & he just got his this last Feb. I do not use it to talk to other guys but he is using his to talk to other girls. If I ask him to delete his, he will probably tell me to delete mine. But I am not doing anything wrong on mine!

I don't know how much more I can deal with this. Maybe if things continue, I might have to take drastic measures and delete the account myself and make him start from scratch. I spent all that time doing his page for him to use it to pick up girls? It's not gonna work that way!
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  #4  
June 30th, 2006, 07:27 PM
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To be honest, not talking about it is just going to make you fester inside forever instead of a resolution in a couple of days and it be over.
I think you need to sit down and really think about what you find acceptable behavior. Be as specific as possible (ie. talking about sex is not acceptable etc.) and lay it all out for him. Make it a discussion, not an argument. Let him know that you have concerns that a line might get crossed and you're not comfortable with the situation after this psycho girl and that maybe, since you're pg, that temporary agreements be arranged to reduce your stress levels.
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  #5  
June 30th, 2006, 09:58 PM
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Quote:
To be honest, not talking about it is just going to make you fester inside forever instead of a resolution in a couple of days and it be over.
I think you need to sit down and really think about what you find acceptable behavior. Be as specific as possible (ie. talking about sex is not acceptable etc.) and lay it all out for him. Make it a discussion, not an argument. Let him know that you have concerns that a line might get crossed and you're not comfortable with the situation after this psycho girl and that maybe, since you're pg, that temporary agreements be arranged to reduce your stress levels.[/b]

Erica, that is a wonderful idea! I think I might do that, I am a little calmer about it right now than I was earlier about it. All of my friends say he keeps stepping over the lines (male AND female). I will probably ask him about it tomorrow sometime but I am not going to pounce on him or anything. I don't want to immediately put him on the defensive.
In a way now I wish I hadn't decided to snoop and that is exactly what he is going to say to me. But he gets so secretive about what he is doing, every time I have the chance I do it.
Maybe if he were willing to communicate with me more, maybe I might see his need to get involved with something like that....slowly though and after I have the baby. I had a bad experience with my ex-husband about that so that is why I am still so turned off.
I think all in all I am an understanding wife. I do let him get away with way more than most wives allow but I don't want to seem like I am overbearing or nagging him, KWIM? I see the way his mother treats his dad and the enviroment he grew up in where his mother ran the household and I don't want him to feel he is in that situation.
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  #6  
July 1st, 2006, 12:03 AM
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i have the same problem u have with my bf and the whole myspace thing. i found him on there the other day looking for women in the area to talk to. he is always looking for women on there. he says its just for conversation but i say thats a bunch of bull. i told him how it make me feel uncomfortable and that i dont c why he has to look for women to talk to in the area cause thats nothin but trouble and he tells me that im just tryin to find somethin to complain about but i think this is ligitimate complaint. i been thinkin about this for the past few days and it really hurts and i dont feel that i can talk to him because he is not being understanding. i dont know what to do. i been seriously considering calling it off between us because of it. i find it completely unacceptable and he is not willing to stop. he says that women think that men are automatically stop looking at other women when they are together. WTH?? i dont know what to do
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  #7  
July 1st, 2006, 01:32 AM
in_mommy's Avatar I am just me
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Well, I was going to say what Greenjeans said, but since she has beaten me to it, let us know how the talk goes. That is stepping over the line! What the heck is it with men and not being able to control themselves on the internet whether it is on Myspace or chat rooms??!!
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  #8  
July 1st, 2006, 06:59 AM
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awww. i would also say comfront your husband !! let us know how things go
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  #9  
July 1st, 2006, 01:41 PM
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I think it is totally acceptable to set acceptable limits for anything. His mom may have been overbearing but that doesn't mean you have to be a doormat to compensate. If he has issues surrounding his parents relationship it really isn't your responsibility to heal those, he needs to seek out counselling or whatever is necessary to deal with those. You can be undesrtanding of his background, but you can't be held to some ideal of how you should act in your marriage to accomodate his past issues.

I think it is wayyyyy out of line & in my house it would be a "walls shaking" kind of ordeal. I think it is extremely permissive to allow him to speak abotu sex with other women. I have male friends & colleagues. I may tease a single male friend in an email (like I did a couple weeks back..when it was my anniversary & he was going to a bachelor auction to be sold off for charity...) that "at least I know one of us will get laid" - but I would never actually discuss the details of sex, my sex lfe, his sex life, etc with him. It is none of his business, none of my business & it only invites too much involvement in each other's lives. There are definately topics you can discuss that are just asking for trouble & because some people don't see where that line is supposed to be - you HAVE to be very clear with them about it. I generlaly don't wear panties...it isn't something I would EVER shaer with any man as info - and it is beyond flirty in my opinion. Flirty is telling someone they look great...going on & on about it - being provacative in discussion is beyond flirty & starting into inviting trouble.

I say you have every right to be concerned, to tell him how you feel & to draw a line of what he shou;d & shouldn't do. I am not a huge devotee' of Dr Phil but I do believe two things he says about marriage - those that have nothing to hide, hide nothing & you should never behave in person (or email, IM ,etc) any way that you wouldn't behave if your spouse were present...anything else just adds up to trouble.

Good luck hun!
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If a man has been his mother's undisputed darling he retains throughout life the triumphant feeling, the confidence in success, which not seldom brings actual success along with it. ~Sigmund Freud
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  #10  
July 1st, 2006, 05:03 PM
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Unfortunately trying to compensate for his mom is going to make you miserable because he's walking on you (although I'm sure not intentionally) and it's going to continue to break you down. Having boundaries isn't the same as being overbearing. You have to be able to trust him.
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  #11  
July 3rd, 2006, 09:08 AM
Chunky Monkey's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Well I tried to talk to him about it, he told me how wrong it was for me to snoop, told me he didn't tell me about it because he didn't want to put me under too much stress blah blah blah.
I told him at this point he has lost my trust and he is going to have to earn it back. I also told him since HE gave me his MySpace password, if there was something he didn't want me to see, he should have deleted it because that is the risk he took.
I was NOT going to let him turn this around on me. I may have been wrong for snooping but he was wrong with the content of that conversation.
Now he wants access to my MySpace account & I have absolutely nothing to hide! I just don't see where it is relevant but I will let him access it and see the content of mine when I am sitting right here.
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  #12  
July 3rd, 2006, 10:53 AM
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i hate thathe tried to turn it around on you and say it was wrong of you to snoop. he was wrong to have the convo in the first place. ahhh. so frustrating. i hope that when he looks at your account he will realize that you don't use it for the same things he does. good luck keep us updated (((HUGS)))
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  #13  
July 3rd, 2006, 12:54 PM
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Sounds to me like it is time to lose the myspace all-together and get some help.

Actively seeking out affairs is NOT a healthy relationship.
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  #14  
July 3rd, 2006, 01:54 PM
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Holly,
I am going to be VERY blunt and honest with you about this situation and most likely will not like what I have to say but I have to say it -- GET RID OF THE MYSPACE CRAP!! Seriously! This is going to be an on going battle and I hate to say this, as long as you both have internet access there is ALWAYS going to be the uncomfortable/uneasy feeling & wondering. The internet is NOT something to mess around with! It can be your best friend or it can be your worst enemy!! Personally, if I were you I would disconnect the internet all together, of course we would miss you here but it's not worth loosing your marriage over. Two married people should not have seperate "guy" or "girl" friends PERIOD! It invites trouble!! I am personally speaking from experience. Right now the most important thing is your children, your health, the babies health, and your marriage -- everything else falls second. I wish you the best of luck with this situation, but I fear until the internet is cut off the problems are only going to get worse. (((HUGS)))


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  #15  
July 3rd, 2006, 02:19 PM
Chunky Monkey's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Actually we just came up with an agreement as far as MySpace. I can have unlimited access to his and he can to mine. If we actually have nothing to hide, we should disclose it to each other. I 100% agree with this.

Removing Internet is really not an option for us. This is how we keep in contact with a lot of our family & friends. Very little of our friends and family live local to us. I webcam talk with my mom once a week so she can see the kids as we are talking because she is in GA & I am on OH.

As far as us having separate friends, I have tried to invite him into my world. Back in Feb. a friend who is like a big brother to me growing up & I got back into contact & he was coming back to the area the following weekend. He wanted US to go out with him but DH refused, telling me to go & to have fun. My best friend (female) was going with us. It ended up being a whole group of us together (my best friend, me, the guy I am friends with & 3 more guys I went to school with). My best friend had to duck out early because she was in an abusive relationship at the time but when it came time for her to leave, I called DH & asked him if he wanted me to go back with her or could I go to the other bar & hear one of the guy's cousins play in a band. I even told him who was with me and he said "have fun, if you need a ride home, let me know." We had a blast at the bar and went out to get something to eat at a restaurant we used to all eat at when we were kids. It was very comfortable & familiar. I got home that night & DH asked me if I had a good time and I told him all about it. He said he was glad I had such a good time and has never brought it up to me about me going out with all these guys.
I have another friend who I went to school with in the Navy. He has talked to him on the phone before (mainly about Navy things since my DH has an obsession with the military and wanted some information on something with the archives because he is researching something with his family). I just found out this same friend is coming into town in a couple of months and I told DH he wanted us both to go out with him (friend knows I am pg, therefore can't drink but I can sip on soda for the night) but DH said he doesn't want to go again but for me to have fun.

As far as DH's friends....his HS reunion I was pg with my last one. He really wanted me to go but I didn't want to risk anything. He was out with guys & girls and am glad he went.
He has a friend who works EMS up in Detroit. We have met her at a concert she was working at. I knew he would spend a lot of time talking EMS stuff to her (nothing I am really interested in) so since the friend I was out with back in Feb. lives near Detroit, I invited him, his wife & daughter to go. We all had a wonderful time together!

So having friends of the opposite sex is not the problem. It is when the conversations get too out of hand that I have a problem with & I think if the shoe was on the other foot, he would have a problem too.

But I am liking this new solution. If we can get past this incident and nothing else happens, I think we can get through anything. Us disclosing our accounts is a good start towards that direction.
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  #16  
July 3rd, 2006, 04:05 PM
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The internet can cause problems sometimes. I hate that it gives men access to chatting, porn, and etc., but it is great at the same time for talking to family and friends. Plus.....my DH and I are going to college online too, which means that we both have to go online everyday. I have a myspace account, but I never go on it really. I just have it, cuz my little sister had one, so I got one. I think that myspace and websites like it are going to one day have to be shut down, because of all of the problems with teens and kids going on them and giving too much information.
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  #17  
July 4th, 2006, 04:13 AM
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This is why DH is NOT allowed to have a myspace account.. Call me overbearing, controlling whatever.. Ive had issues with DH talking to girls on msn, yahoo, aim and d/l porn and lying to me about it, and a few sites he lied to me about and told me he had no accounts there.. So basically he can only use msn messenger and if he messes up again one of two things will happen.. Either I will have all of his passwords to everything or he will no longer be able to use msn.. Once this has become a issue no matter if its a myspace account or whatever it will ALWAYS be an issue.. You may have access to that one but, what if he has an account somewhere else you dont know about? Those are the things I would be wondering about.. I am slowly starting to trust DH again but I am so very cautious.. I check the cookies daily, I check internet history daily.. If I didnt live so far away from my family and friends this internet would be so gone.. If I continue to have problems with it.. Family or not.. It will be gone.. You can only live like this for so long, only deal with this stress and trust issues for so long.. I really hope this situation works out for you and you no longer will have problems with DH..
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  #18  
July 5th, 2006, 06:57 AM
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Quote:
This is why DH is NOT allowed to have a myspace account.. Call me overbearing, controlling whatever.. Ive had issues with DH talking to girls on msn, yahoo, aim and d/l porn and lying to me about it, and a few sites he lied to me about and told me he had no accounts there.. So basically he can only use msn messenger and if he messes up again one of two things will happen.. Either I will have all of his passwords to everything or he will no longer be able to use msn.. Once this has become a issue no matter if its a myspace account or whatever it will ALWAYS be an issue.. You may have access to that one but, what if he has an account somewhere else you dont know about? Those are the things I would be wondering about.. I am slowly starting to trust DH again but I am so very cautious.. I check the cookies daily, I check internet history daily.. If I didnt live so far away from my family and friends this internet would be so gone.. If I continue to have problems with it.. Family or not.. It will be gone.. You can only live like this for so long, only deal with this stress and trust issues for so long.. I really hope this situation works out for you and you no longer will have problems with DH..[/b]
For some reason I never had a problem with my DH before MySpace. I always knew who he was talking to and everything because he was the one who showed me. And for the first month or 2, he didn't really do much with his MySpace until I designed his page really cool and everything. Then he started adding people he went to school with and fellow EMS, both male & female. But then strange females started showing up with bi opientations, into the BDSM and even one cow who was about 500 lbs. and modeling in sexy lingerie (lots of guys surprisingly found this exciting...I have nothing against the bigger plus sized (I am considered plus size at 175 lbs. but COME ON!) and being really secretive, changing his passwords and stuff. Then he started sending comments saying "hey sexy" and stuff like that. OK if he wants to call anyone sexy, he can call his own wife that unless he finds me repulsive or something.

I guess now neither of us are adding people of the opposite sex unless we have each other's approval. I can agree to that. Only guys I add are people who have some sort of significance like I went to school with them or know them outside of MySpace. A lot of the people on my friends list are from JM too.

Also, we worked out an agreement about comments. We are not to say things like "sexy" to another people. I don't mind affectionate terms such as "sweetie." "Honey" is out only because I won't even let DH call me that cuz my sister's name is Honi. We are both affectionate people towards our friends but there comes a point where the affection turns a totally inappropriate way!

In the same aspect I told him the other day I am not going to be a doormat because his parents basically traumatized him with the way they were. If he has issues with that, then maybe he needs to speak to a counselor.
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  #19  
July 5th, 2006, 09:05 PM
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In the same aspect I told him the other day I am not going to be a doormat because his parents basically traumatized him with the way they were. If he has issues with that, then maybe he needs to speak to a counselor.[/b]
Good for you - it seems you are handling this the best way you can & I am proud of you for sticking to your principles. Hang in there!
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We've begun to raise daughters more like sons... but few have the courage to raise our sons more like our daughters. ~Gloria Steinem

If a man has been his mother's undisputed darling he retains throughout life the triumphant feeling, the confidence in success, which not seldom brings actual success along with it. ~Sigmund Freud
My mom is a neverending song in my heart of comfort, happiness, and being. I may sometimes forget the words but I always remember the tune. ~Graycie Harmon
Don't wait to make your son a great man - make him a great boy. ~Author Unknown
You don't raise heroes, you raise sons. And if you treat them like sons, they'll turn out to be heroes, even if it's just in your own eyes. ~Walter M. Schirra, Sr.
A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his mother the longest. ~Irish Proverb
Mother's love is peace. It need not be acquired, it need not be deserved. ~Erich Fromm
Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it. - Harold Hulbert
Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children. ~William Makepeace Thackeray
God could not be everywhere, so he created mothers. ~Jewish Proverb
The best conversations with mothers always take place in silence, when only the heart speaks. ~Carrie Latet




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  #20  
July 6th, 2006, 06:00 AM
in_mommy's Avatar I am just me
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Glad to hear that you are sticking to your guns! Hopefully things will settled back down now and he can move on from his "high school stunt" that he just did and act like a grown married man with children who he loves and adores!!
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