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  #1  
July 12th, 2006, 11:10 AM
kristina13's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Oct 2005
Posts: 1,490
The reason I say this is because I find myself on JM ranting all the time, and it does help so I figure Ill hop onto the vent board and get it all out. If you make it through this whole post, first off, I commend you, and second, I would love any advice or input, even if its, "Kristina, you're being a selfish little twit, suck it up and smile" .

let me start at the beginning.

My DH and I started dating in highschool, we were each other's "first" and we fell in love right away. We've been together a total of 3 1/2 years, married for a few months. The summer after our first year at college, DH got arrested for possesion of mj. He was crushed afterwards, he hurt me and his family very much and he was totally sorry. I forgave him of course, and I wasnt blameless myself either, but he was selling at the time, and he knew I wanted him to stop, he simple thought he wouldnt get caught. Anyway, my DH is a wonderful guy, he has made his mistakes but he always rectifies. Anyway, needless to say, we were bummed. He record was ruined and we feared our dream of a wonderful life together was destroyed since it would now be hard for him to get a job etc. Our relationship was tested, but we made it through and are closer because of it. About, 5 months later, I got pregnant with Erica, our "love child". At first it seemed like awful timing, but soon we realized it was exactly what we needed to motivate us and pull us together during this time in our life when it felt like our dreams were destroyed, because now we had no choice but to find a way. we moved in with his parents and he went back to county college full time. He has been getting strait As ever since, and I gave birth two weeks ago. Both of us have totally changed in a years time. I am giving this background because it complicates the current situation. Now that DH has pretty much ruined his life in his parents eyes, they dont think he is capable of much more than breathing at this moment. It frustrates me because whenever he isnt here, theyre always grilling me about him and talking about how they hope he is going to be ok and all these discouraging words about him. They refer to our having a baby as an "adverse situation". ( Although they oggle her and love to snatch her up and act like shes their baby) What I hate is that they dont see the real person that he is. He is so smart and such a loving wonderful father and husband. He went from stoner college kid to responsible adult in a matter of months. Hes only 20! He has stepped up to the plate and done the right thing in every possible way. The problem is, is that I want to move out, reallllllly bad. His family is driving me crazy. He is at school a lot, and Im here with them alone. His dad is way controlling and wants to have his hand in everyone's business, his sister is a beeeotch who's always telling me oh the babys fine leave her alone etc etc ( even though shes 26, single and doesnt have any kids ) not to mention she thinks she is better than everyone. and his mom is ccrazy, and she spends all the time shes here standing over me looking at the baby. She has also decided she will take special alone time for her and the baby in her room to let the baby listen to her baby classical music cds , whch really bugs me cuz I am the musician in our family and I want to teach Erica about music and stuff, and my mil is totally stepping on my feet. Shes always telling me what " we should do" in regards to parenting. Let me include that I am a very competent and confident mother, I am well read and have lots of experience with children, and I dont feel that I need constant advice on what to do. Shes my baby, and I ultimately decide what is best for her. I appreciate her experience, but when I need something, I ask. I know shes just trying to help, but, its annoying. Anyway, to further complicate the situation, DHs mom also is acting like this I beleive because 22 years ago, she lost a baby to SIDS. It just so happens that Erica was born on the anniversary of this baby's death. So I think Erica means a lot to her. Which is wonderufl , I sincerely hope that the birth of Erica has given her some sort of closure. A...completion of the circle of life kinda deal. But, she is always like freaking out about Erica, if her head flops over or she turns her head into the side of her swing for a second. Its like his fmily expects me to be a bad mother and they are just waiting for me to screw up. Im sure Im overreacting, this is just the way I feel. Anyway, we want to move out ASAp, but when it gets brought up, his parents say, we wont be moving out for a long time. We dont want to rent, because we are saving to buy a house. But its gettin really unbearable for me around here. Im just so sad that DH and Erica and I cant establish our little family unit the way we want to. We literally cant do anything without someone else in his family being involved. Anyway, I dont know how to show his parents that we are responsible enough to live on our own. We have done everything to prove it and its like they dont even see. Now financially, were not ready yet, but we will be soon. However, the reason we will be is because his parents bought us 15 thou worth of shares in a company that is about to go public, and make us A LOT of money. Bu.t, the shares are in his fathers name, and I fear that if his dad knows we are going to use it to move out, and he doesnt want us to use it for that, he wont actually give us the money.
My parents on the other hand, are supportive of us moving out, but thats cuz I chose to live with DH instead of them, and theyre jealous that they dont live with the baby and DHs rents do. We dont live with them because my mom and I have a tumultuous relationship, and I cant live with her. Its literally devestating to my mental health. She is emotional abusive and manipulative. But the thing is, is that when wer enot alone together and not seeing each other everyday, shes fine. Anway, I feel trapped. I mean, thers more, but this is the important part of the story. Im glad to have gotten it off my chest. Im starting to go crazy, Im suspecting DH of lying and cheating, when I know its impossible, hes with me all the time or at schhol, but sometimes I think what if he is cheating on me, maybe he didnt go to school today...I dunno. I dont really think he is, I trust him, but I have these crazy thoughts sometimes. I dont know what to think or do anymore. If I didnt have the love of my DH and my beautiful daughter, I wouldnt be able to get through the day I think sometimes.
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  #2  
July 12th, 2006, 11:31 AM
mrobinson
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**wheew** I bet that feels better eh?

Parents.. While I sense you are grateful, they are stepping over boundaries.. Just because you live in their home doesn't mean you're not entitled to respect. (IMHO, things are done because they're in charge. Although I'm sure it's completely unintentional, it's ok to say, it's ok Grandpa or Grandma ~ Mommy has this one.

If you know living with your mom is bad for your mental health, I don't think it's good to back there.. Maybe stay there on the weekends? I would hope that could help your parents feel involved, give your in-laws a break and maybe give you some perspective?



I'm glad you vented and I hope we can help.

Cheers, Michelle
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  #3  
July 12th, 2006, 11:57 AM
in_mommy's Avatar I am just me
Join Date: Mar 2004
Posts: 14,873
Wow, I hope that helped getting that all out!
His parents are for sure stepping over the lines. How do you know his dad is going to give you the $$? If they think you guys are so irresponsible, they probably will hold onto the $ and give out a little at a time only when they feel you need it. From what you have said, I cant see them giving you guys the whole amount, because they are guessing your DH will blow it on pot. I personally wouldnt be putting to high of hopes on the $.
I think that your baby has opened up the wound for your MIL and she is acting like this is her baby. I dont think it gave her closure, she is just picking up where she left off.
Like Michelle said, why not go to your mom's on the weekends and get away from these people. I think you might be better off renting for a short time anyway, for your mental health! Your DH would probably be better off as well getting out of there, if they can do nothing but put him down. Constant put down's really destroy a person's self esteem, which I am sure you already know.
I hope you can figure something out soon!!! (((((HUGS)))))
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  #4  
July 12th, 2006, 02:59 PM
kristina13's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Oct 2005
Posts: 1,490
Quote:
**wheew** I bet that feels better eh?

Parents.. While I sense you are grateful, they are stepping over boundaries.. Just because you live in their home doesn't mean you're not entitled to respect. (IMHO, things are done because they're in charge. Although I'm sure it's completely unintentional, it's ok to say, it's ok Grandpa or Grandma ~ Mommy has this one.

If you know living with your mom is bad for your mental health, I don't think it's good to back there.. Maybe stay there on the weekends? I would hope that could help your parents feel involved, give your in-laws a break and maybe give you some perspective?



I'm glad you vented and I hope we can help.

Cheers, Michelle[/b]
yes, I am very grateful, as annoying as it can be, i appreciate their hospitality, and its not always bad...its half and half..half the time it is quite nice, and half the time it sucks. I would likke to stay with my parents sometimes, but I know my husband wouldnt want to go with me, cuz he works from home and hes all set up here, and weekends are when he gets the most work done since he has school all week. However, my parents do go away on the weekends a lot, so maybe we could set up camp at their house a few times just to get a break...I hope so...thats a great idea and I didnt think of it before, so thank you!

Quote:
Wow, I hope that helped getting that all out!
His parents are for sure stepping over the lines. How do you know his dad is going to give you the $$? If they think you guys are so irresponsible, they probably will hold onto the $ and give out a little at a time only when they feel you need it. From what you have said, I cant see them giving you guys the whole amount, because they are guessing your DH will blow it on pot. I personally wouldnt be putting to high of hopes on the $.
I think that your baby has opened up the wound for your MIL and she is acting like this is her baby. I dont think it gave her closure, she is just picking up where she left off.
Like Michelle said, why not go to your mom's on the weekends and get away from these people. I think you might be better off renting for a short time anyway, for your mental health! Your DH would probably be better off as well getting out of there, if they can do nothing but put him down. Constant put down's really destroy a person's self esteem, which I am sure you already know.
I hope you can figure something out soon!!! (((((HUGS)))))[/b]
It does feel good haha. I dont know for sure he is going to give us the money. it was a wedding gift, but since we havent actually gotten it, there is a good chance he wont give it to us if he thinks were gonna use it to buy a house when he doesnt want us to. I didnt want to say it, but it does seem like MIL is acting like its her baby. Luckily shes at work all day and I only have to deal with her in the evening. DH is under a lot of stress right now with his classes, but hes going to have a 3 week break in august so I might bring up moving out sooner then. I dont want to bring it up now, cuz he knows how important getting a house is to me, so if he knows I want to move out, hes going to know its because I am really unhappy, and that will hurt him...not being able to do anything about it till his break anyway. Maybe we could do a rent to buy type thing. His parents attitude really is bad for him, he writes it off, but Im a strong believer in the fact that its hard to succeed and believe in yourself when the people that love you dont have faith in you. His parents are the type that think theyre supporting him by doing for him...but that just says to him, you cant do this so I will...(hes the baby, which is why we have these problems lol imo) Thank you both for the input, I relaly appreciate it.
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  #5  
July 12th, 2006, 06:09 PM
Cereal Killer's Avatar I'm climbin' in yo window
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: next to Chuck Norris
Posts: 7,373
Whew! I hope that feels better.
It definitely sounds as though the in-laws are overstepping their bounds, it may be hard but perhaps you would feel better just to speak up a little next time you feel undermined.

This may be taking a step way off your planned course, but has your DH considered the military? He could probably get a waiver for the drug charge and get into the army. I am just suggesting it because it could give you guys independence (housing, etc) as well as give your DH job training and experience.

I hope you guys find some resolve soon, I know parents are stressful!
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  #6  
July 13th, 2006, 04:56 PM
mrobinson
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Hopefully dh will be understanding about weekend get-aways.. (This might not really apply but I'll just throw it out there.) Sometimes when we get trapped into an unhealthy situation, the controllers can see they're in charge.. by reaching outside of their control (like week-end getaways,) then they might have a slight reality check and lighten up..

No matter what, we're here for you and you can vent away to release the pressure!

Michelle
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  #7  
July 15th, 2006, 04:30 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: New York
Posts: 4,307
geez, I would RUN!

I think you guys should think twice about renting, maybe it is what you need to do right now to get out. You may only save a small amount each month for your house, but at least you will be on your own and happier.
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  #8  
July 15th, 2006, 06:43 PM
bebe-v-j's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 4,321
Wow! I'm sorry that you are going through this right now. I can completely understand your want for you 3 to become a family unit and develop your own routine, etc. I think going to your parents house for the weekend while they were gone (or if they are there - if you are comfortable enough for short bursts of living together with your mom) would do you all a great deal of good. I think you need to start setting boundaries now with your inlaws because as she gets older they will just keep taking control & it will be harder for you to tell them "no" or "I don't want my daughter doing this or that". I know that it will be hard to do since you are living with them but definitley try. From your message you can tell that you appreciate what they've done to help & therefore I think you should set these boundaries in a nice way (essentially tell them off with a smile) Such as "I'm sorry but I was really looking forward to being the one to teach my baby about music. If you want Grandma & baby time perhaps you could think of something else to do with her" I think that you are a wonderful mother. Your baby is only 2 weeks Old and is still a novelty for everyone, as time goes on it will get better. (Plus you just gave birth so your body is sill healing!) I do think you need to move out & renting to own is a great idea if that is what you can afford! Good Luck with everything & keep us updated if you can.
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  #9  
July 16th, 2006, 02:13 PM
kristina13's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Oct 2005
Posts: 1,490
thank you all so much. your supportive words really made me feel better. As soon as dh is done school ( a few weeks) I am going to bring up moving out. Im not going to get my hopes up, but we should at least consider it. I think our happiness (and my sanity lol) may be a more important factor right now. thanks all for reading my insanely long post lol.
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