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  #1  
July 20th, 2006, 11:17 AM
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My sister who is 18 months older than me is going to build a brand new house with her husband and probably thinking about having a baby now, and I'm stuck in an apartment pretty much forever because my DF is STILL in graduate school for his Ph.D after SEVEN years. I don't think I'll ever get to have a house or my own family if I stay with him.
I don't want to be mean, but last night he was depressed yet again over his lack of machismo, and he was telling me that he wanted to "Make a difference" but he just knew that he wouldn't add up to anything. I hate having conversations like this because it means I have to sit there and baby him. I wish I could say 'grow a set' ya know? I'm going to turn 26 in a month and I should be a mother by now because I wanted to be young with my kids. I know it's hard but I'm seriously thinking about moving on. I just hate wasting nearly 8 years of my life and knowing that I wanted to marry HIM one day. I should be happy and not worrying all the time if I'll ever have the family I want, the house, the HOME free of worrying if my man is actually going to be a MAN and provide for me.

but I'm crying.
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  #2  
July 20th, 2006, 11:36 AM
mrobinson
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Quote:
My sister who is 18 months older than me is going to build a brand new house with her husband and probably thinking about having a baby now, and I'm stuck in an apartment pretty much forever because my DF is STILL in graduate school for his Ph.D after SEVEN years. I don't think I'll ever get to have a house or my own family if I stay with him.
I don't want to be mean, but last night he was depressed yet again over his lack of machismo, and he was telling me that he wanted to "Make a difference" but he just knew that he wouldn't add up to anything. I hate having conversations like this because it means I have to sit there and baby him. I wish I could say 'grow a set' ya know? I'm going to turn 26 in a month and I should be a mother by now because I wanted to be young with my kids. I know it's hard but I'm seriously thinking about moving on. I just hate wasting nearly 8 years of my life and knowing that I wanted to marry HIM one day. I should be happy and not worrying all the time if I'll ever have the family I want, the house, the HOME free of worrying if my man is actually going to be a MAN and provide for me.

but I'm crying.[/b]


Sounds like a huge soul search coming up.. I'm sorry things aren't working out the way you hoped they would.. Hon, just vent away here. I'm really proud of you putting this out on the table.
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  #3  
July 20th, 2006, 12:13 PM
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Posts: 166
Sounds like a huge soul search coming up.. I'm sorry things aren't working out the way you hoped they would.. Hon, just vent away here. I'm really proud of you putting this out on the table.
[/quote]

It hasn't been on the table yet, I just bear all of his insecurities. He knows I don't like hearing it, but he does it so often. It makes me mad that he doesn't get up the courage to change himself and he putts around in the lab all day (he's a scientist). I know he's a genius of a sort but he doesn't have the drive to get out of school, and get a life purpose. All he wants to do is "find out the secret of life" and "how the universe works" by using science. He doesn't use his emotions enough, he doesn't really want children (he doesn't want them to be the "end all be all" because everybody else does that). What is he 'above' being a husband and father?
I watched Glory Road a couple of weeks ago. The main coach guy was a great husband and father and cared about his family enough to protect them. I looked at my guy and just knew he would never be that type of man. It makes me so sad and angry.
We are just too comfortable and routinized together. I told my sister that we don't really have a sex life either. I just hope I don't go and pity him, because this is how he chooses to be, and I still love him!
it's soooo hard!
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  #4  
July 20th, 2006, 12:20 PM
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I'm sorry to hear that you are having such a tough time. IMO, you really need to sit down and talk to him about your feelings. The decision of children is one of the biggest ones (IMO) in a relationship. It sounds like he's always turning to you for sympathy, so maybe when he starts pouting just tell him (nicely lol) your feelings about how maybe he should focus harder on finishing school so he can be happier. Anyways, I hope that you sort everything out!!!!
Amanda
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  #5  
July 20th, 2006, 01:10 PM
carolinagirl's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Quote:
My sister who is 18 months older than me is going to build a brand new house with her husband and probably thinking about having a baby now, and I'm stuck in an apartment pretty much forever because my DF is STILL in graduate school for his Ph.D after SEVEN years.[/b]
Stop competing with your sister!! Just b/c she's building a house with her DH and wants to start a family is her business. This is not a case of 'keeping up with the Jones' what's going on in your life is what's important - not your sister's. Your DF is making a HUGE accomplishment by getting a PhD. That's something to be really proud of!! I know it's hard to listen to them (men in general) whine sometimes, especially when we're down in the dumps ourselves. However instead of resenting him, you should be encouraging him. Marriage is about the bigger picture - the future - what's down the road later - not this very instant. What DF is doing NOW will prepare you for the FUTURE - KWIM?? Besides the grass isn't always greener on the otherside!! Things will fall into place, you'll see. I do have one question tho.. if for the most part you have a loving, supportive, caring, honest, and open relationship with DF what's causing you to think he might not be 'the one' after 8 years??

It's like Michelle said.. you've got a lot of soul searching to do!! Good luck hon!!
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  #6  
July 20th, 2006, 01:31 PM
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Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 166
Quote:
Quote:
My sister who is 18 months older than me is going to build a brand new house with her husband and probably thinking about having a baby now, and I'm stuck in an apartment pretty much forever because my DF is STILL in graduate school for his Ph.D after SEVEN years.[/b]
Stop competing with your sister!! Just b/c she's building a house with her DH and wants to start a family is her business. This is not a case of 'keeping up with the Jones' what's going on in your life is what's important - not your sister's. Your DF is making a HUGE accomplishment by getting a PhD. That's something to be really proud of!! I know it's hard to listen to them (men in general) whine sometimes, especially when we're down in the dumps ourselves. However instead of resenting him, you should be encouraging him. Marriage is about the bigger picture - the future - what's down the road later - not this very instant. What DF is doing NOW will prepare you for the FUTURE - KWIM?? Besides the grass isn't always greener on the otherside!! Things will fall into place, you'll see. I do have one question tho.. if for the most part you have a loving, supportive, caring, honest, and open relationship with DF what's causing you to think he might not be 'the one' after 8 years??

It's like Michelle said.. you've got a lot of soul searching to do!! Good luck hon!!

[/b]
aww, man. 1)the NO CHILDREN part.
2)The fact that we have been together for so long and he still doesn't want to marry me right away. We got engaged last December. I don't even care about having our friends around, just family and he still doesn't want to plan a wedding.

I want to also say that I am proud of him, but after 7 years of supporting him through grad school it's getting a little old, esp when he says he won't be able to support us financially very well anyway. I know everything is for the future, but it seems I've been waiting on something that's always on the horizon and we'll never get there, we'll just go on living day to day waiting... waiting... waiting. He is so insecure about pretty much everything.
I know I shouldn't be keeping up with my sister, she is actually pretty screwed up herself. The grass is always greener for the both of us. Once we get what we want it all comes falling down and we are never really happy after a while anyways. It's called being raised by controlling/abusive nomadic parents! I should be happy and feel lucky that I have a loving supportive partner, but a lot of big things are missing that I know other women are able to have and I don't. I see pg women everywhere up here in the Midwest, and I've always wanted that. I don't want to sacrifice anything.
just one child and I would be happy. I just hope when we get a little more stable he'll change his mind, but I sincerly doubt it. ahh, the choices I must make.
Thanks for your input. I need people like you to tell me what's what more often. I sometimes feel like a little girl having a bratty tantrum.
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  #7  
July 20th, 2006, 01:36 PM
mrobinson
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Posts: n/a
Quote:
It hasn't been on the table yet, I just bear all of his insecurities. He knows I don't like hearing it, but he does it so often. It makes me mad that he doesn't get up the courage to change himself and he putts around in the lab all day (he's a scientist). I know he's a genius of a sort but he doesn't have the drive to get out of school, and get a life purpose. All he wants to do is "find out the secret of life" and "how the universe works" by using science. He doesn't use his emotions enough, he doesn't really want children (he doesn't want them to be the "end all be all" because everybody else does that). What is he 'above' being a husband and father?
I watched Glory Road a couple of weeks ago. The main coach guy was a great husband and father and cared about his family enough to protect them. I looked at my guy and just knew he would never be that type of man. It makes me so sad and angry.
We are just too comfortable and routinized together. I told my sister that we don't really have a sex life either. I just hope I don't go and pity him, because this is how he chooses to be, and I still love him!
it's soooo hard![/b]
If you feel his heart isn't into the idea of being a husband and father, I'm just wondering if that is a core value your heart can't accept from a guy? I don't think you're DH is a bad guy at all ~ I hope I'm not coming off that way.. I just know there are core prinicples a couple have to agree on or there will be resentment. If his heart isn't into it like you need it to be.. you may have to consider if this is going to work. If you feel resentment, I would recommend speaking to him about it.. You mentioned he doesn't use his emotions but knows how to convey insecurities. Maybe try to explain to him exactly how you need him to respond to your emotions? Maybe he needs to be taught how to? I'm curious if you both would be open to having a professional work with you or do you feel it doesn't have to be done that way yet?

Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
My sister who is 18 months older than me is going to build a brand new house with her husband and probably thinking about having a baby now, and I'm stuck in an apartment pretty much forever because my DF is STILL in graduate school for his Ph.D after SEVEN years.[/b]
Stop competing with your sister!! Just b/c she's building a house with her DH and wants to start a family is her business. This is not a case of 'keeping up with the Jones' what's going on in your life is what's important - not your sister's. Your DF is making a HUGE accomplishment by getting a PhD. That's something to be really proud of!! I know it's hard to listen to them (men in general) whine sometimes, especially when we're down in the dumps ourselves. However instead of resenting him, you should be encouraging him. Marriage is about the bigger picture - the future - what's down the road later - not this very instant. What DF is doing NOW will prepare you for the FUTURE - KWIM?? Besides the grass isn't always greener on the otherside!! Things will fall into place, you'll see. I do have one question tho.. if for the most part you have a loving, supportive, caring, honest, and open relationship with DF what's causing you to think he might not be 'the one' after 8 years??

It's like Michelle said.. you've got a lot of soul searching to do!! Good luck hon!!

[/b]
aww, man. 1)the NO CHILDREN part.
2)The fact that we have been together for so long and he still doesn't want to marry me right away. We got engaged last December. I don't even care about having our friends around, just family and he still doesn't want to plan a wedding.

I want to also say that I am proud of him, but after 7 years of supporting him through grad school it's getting a little old, esp when he says he won't be able to support us financially very well anyway. I know everything is for the future, but it seems I've been waiting on something that's always on the horizon and we'll never get there, we'll just go on living day to day waiting... waiting... waiting. He is so insecure about pretty much everything.
I know I shouldn't be keeping up with my sister, she is actually pretty screwed up herself. The grass is always greener for the both of us. Once we get what we want it all comes falling down and we are never really happy after a while anyways. It's called being raised by controlling/abusive nomadic parents! I should be happy and feel lucky that I have a loving supportive partner, but a lot of big things are missing that I know other women are able to have and I don't. I see pg women everywhere up here in the Midwest, and I've always wanted that. I don't want to sacrifice anything.
just one child and I would be happy. I just hope when we get a little more stable he'll change his mind, but I sincerly doubt it. ahh, the choices I must make.
Thanks for your input. I need people like you to tell me what's what more often. I sometimes feel like a little girl having a bratty tantrum.

[/b]
(I just seen your next post.. sorry.)

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  #8  
July 20th, 2006, 02:19 PM
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Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 166
mrobinson:
thanks for your input! and the HUGS
Yes, we've been to a counselor. He's very tight-lipped with therapy. After a while it was better for me just to go by myself because she thought I was hiding behind him and we were talking about unimportant things with him around.
We've been back and forth up to heaven and hell with the parent issue. But once we forget it for a while everything is smooth sailing and I start to feeling good about being with him. He makes me laugh, we are best friends, the whole thing.
He is sooooo set on no kids, not even leaving it up to fate when we (if we ever do) get married. I know my cycle enough to know the fertile times anyway (thanks to JM!) and I'd probably manipulate him at some point. The chances are so slim with the BC we use though. He would never be amiable to actually "TRY" to have a child with me. I WOULD end up resentful and miserable if 40 years go by and I'm not a mother. i want a lifestyle he doesn't want but I don't have enough guts or even the heart to leave him behind because he is REALLY good to me and he treats me like a princess. and *sigh* I love him, he's my first.
i have self esteem issues because I know a lot of girls who would say BYE at the thought of their man saying he didn't want kids. I'm just very tired, spent, annoyed that it's not going to change and I LOVE him. I'm a stupid stupid female. I feel so trapped.

Thanks for everyone's support though. I love JM
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  #9  
July 20th, 2006, 02:25 PM
mrobinson
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Quote:
Yes, we've been to a counselor. He's very tight-lipped with therapy. After a while it was better for me just to go by myself because she thought I was hiding behind him and we were talking about unimportant things with him around.
We've been back and forth up to heaven and hell with the parent issue. But once we forget it for a while everything is smooth sailing and I start to feeling good about being with him. He makes me laugh, we are best friends, the whole thing.
He is sooooo set on no kids, not even leaving it up to fate when we (if we ever do) get married. I know my cycle enough to know the fertile times anyway (thanks to JM!) and I'd probably manipulate him at some point. The chances are so slim with the BC we use though. He would never be amiable to actually "TRY" to have a child with me. I WOULD end up resentful and miserable if 40 years go by and I'm not a mother. i want a lifestyle he doesn't want but I don't have enough guts or even the heart to leave him behind because he is REALLY good to me and he treats me like a princess. and *sigh* I love him, he's my first.
i have self esteem issues because I know a lot of girls who would say BYE at the thought of their man saying he didn't want kids. I'm just very tired, spent, annoyed that it's not going to change and I LOVE him. I'm a stupid stupid female. I feel so trapped.

Thanks for everyone's support though. I love JM[/b]
You're not a stupid female.. You're one of the few who can actually articule your feelings properly.. It's not a weakness, it's a strength.

I know you feel like it's wearing you down.. I don't blame you. You're in love with him yet you know this prinicple value will either have you resenting him or him resenting you for having a child.. I would be feeling stuck too.

Can you get a dog while doing some soul searching?

I'm just kidding hon.

We'll be here for you no matter what.. vent away.
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  #10  
July 20th, 2006, 02:44 PM
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Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 166
Quote:
Quote:
Yes, we've been to a counselor. He's very tight-lipped with therapy. After a while it was better for me just to go by myself because she thought I was hiding behind him and we were talking about unimportant things with him around.
We've been back and forth up to heaven and hell with the parent issue. But once we forget it for a while everything is smooth sailing and I start to feeling good about being with him. He makes me laugh, we are best friends, the whole thing.
He is sooooo set on no kids, not even leaving it up to fate when we (if we ever do) get married. I know my cycle enough to know the fertile times anyway (thanks to JM!) and I'd probably manipulate him at some point. The chances are so slim with the BC we use though. He would never be amiable to actually "TRY" to have a child with me. I WOULD end up resentful and miserable if 40 years go by and I'm not a mother. i want a lifestyle he doesn't want but I don't have enough guts or even the heart to leave him behind because he is REALLY good to me and he treats me like a princess. and *sigh* I love him, he's my first.
i have self esteem issues because I know a lot of girls who would say BYE at the thought of their man saying he didn't want kids. I'm just very tired, spent, annoyed that it's not going to change and I LOVE him. I'm a stupid stupid female. I feel so trapped.

Thanks for everyone's support though. I love JM[/b]
You're not a stupid female.. You're one of the few who can actually articule your feelings properly.. It's not a weakness, it's a strength.

I know you feel like it's wearing you down.. I don't blame you. You're in love with him yet you know this prinicple value will either have you resenting him or him resenting you for having a child.. I would be feeling stuck too.

Can you get a dog while doing some soul searching?

I'm just kidding hon.

We'll be here for you no matter what.. vent away.
[/b]
Aww, thanks you're making me cry!
we have two cats...
I brought them home one day after saying he didn't even want a pet and he LOVES those cats! He's a dog person though - he didn't want more pets because of the pain when they die, but he loves them anyway. he has pics of them in his wallet and at his desk and everytime his Mom calls he has a different story about them . this is kind of the reason why I think he would make a good daddy, but children are WAY different than pets for sure.

thanks for listening!

well, hopefull i'll have some fun tonight. my girlfriend is coming to visit and we are going out for dinner and drinks

i'll be sure to throw off some steam with her. it's so great being able to vent!
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  #11  
July 20th, 2006, 03:28 PM
mrobinson
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Posts: n/a
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Yes, we've been to a counselor. He's very tight-lipped with therapy. After a while it was better for me just to go by myself because she thought I was hiding behind him and we were talking about unimportant things with him around.
We've been back and forth up to heaven and hell with the parent issue. But once we forget it for a while everything is smooth sailing and I start to feeling good about being with him. He makes me laugh, we are best friends, the whole thing.
He is sooooo set on no kids, not even leaving it up to fate when we (if we ever do) get married. I know my cycle enough to know the fertile times anyway (thanks to JM!) and I'd probably manipulate him at some point. The chances are so slim with the BC we use though. He would never be amiable to actually "TRY" to have a child with me. I WOULD end up resentful and miserable if 40 years go by and I'm not a mother. i want a lifestyle he doesn't want but I don't have enough guts or even the heart to leave him behind because he is REALLY good to me and he treats me like a princess. and *sigh* I love him, he's my first.
i have self esteem issues because I know a lot of girls who would say BYE at the thought of their man saying he didn't want kids. I'm just very tired, spent, annoyed that it's not going to change and I LOVE him. I'm a stupid stupid female. I feel so trapped.

Thanks for everyone's support though. I love JM[/b]
You're not a stupid female.. You're one of the few who can actually articule your feelings properly.. It's not a weakness, it's a strength.

I know you feel like it's wearing you down.. I don't blame you. You're in love with him yet you know this prinicple value will either have you resenting him or him resenting you for having a child.. I would be feeling stuck too.

Can you get a dog while doing some soul searching?

I'm just kidding hon.

We'll be here for you no matter what.. vent away.
[/b]
Aww, thanks you're making me cry!
we have two cats...
I brought them home one day after saying he didn't even want a pet and he LOVES those cats! He's a dog person though - he didn't want more pets because of the pain when they die, but he loves them anyway. he has pics of them in his wallet and at his desk and everytime his Mom calls he has a different story about them . this is kind of the reason why I think he would make a good daddy, but children are WAY different than pets for sure.

thanks for listening!

well, hopefull i'll have some fun tonight. my girlfriend is coming to visit and we are going out for dinner and drinks

i'll be sure to throw off some steam with her. it's so great being able to vent!

[/b]
Have a drink for us!
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  #12  
July 20th, 2006, 11:45 PM
mrsracatoe's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I have read all of the replies on this post and I totally agree with everything that Michelle has said. I hope that going out with your friend will make you feel better. Its nice to get out and "escape" from your problems for a little while. Let us know how it went.
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