Log In Sign Up

When is enough enough??


Forum: The Venting Room

Notices

Welcome to the JustMommies Message Boards.

We pride ourselves on having the friendliest and most welcoming forums for moms and moms to be! Please take a moment and register for free so you can be a part of our growing community of mothers. If you have any problems registering please drop an email to boards@justmommies.com.

Our community is moderated by our moderation team so you won't see spam or offensive messages posted on our forums. Each of our message boards is hosted by JustMommies hosts, whose names are listed at the top each board. We hope you find our message boards friendly, helpful, and fun to be on!

Reply Post New Topic
  Subscribe To The Venting Room LinkBack Topic Tools Search this Topic Display Modes
  #1  
September 10th, 2004, 08:02 PM
AJMommy2002's Avatar Veteran
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Central Illinois
Posts: 194
Send a message via AIM to AJMommy2002 Send a message via MSN to AJMommy2002 Send a message via Yahoo to AJMommy2002
I know most of you don't know my situation and to explain it all, I would be sitting here for days. I recently moved from Fl to Il. I am pregnant with my SO's child and he is still in Fl. When he and I met, he had a very bad drug problem cleaned up and has been clean for over a year and a half. Well since I have left I have heard about him doing drugs again and confronted him on it. He admitted it to me and said he was sorry. I told him you pick your drugs and friends(another HUGE problem) or you pick your family. He said I choose my family and he wants to make it work. Well I just spoke tohim on the phone and he told me he was tired and wanted to go to bed. I asked him if he could just talk to me for 5 minutes. He got all upset and I started thinking. Well it ended up in a fight and he hung up on me. So I decided to call his home phone(moved back in with his parents) instead of his cell. He told me he was at home going to bed and when I called him mom told me he said he went away for the weekend. Well of course I spoke to her for a little bit and found out a lot more lies that he has told me. I just don't know what to do with this whole situation. You know when you love someone sooo much but just can't seem to just walk away. That's exactly how I feel. It's like he needs a baby sitter. Why does he have to lie to me about going out and doing things. Why can't he jsut tell me the truth. If he is lying to me about being out how do I know that he isn't lying about other things (drugs, cheating, ect. ect.). I just don't know what exactly to do. There are so many other things that have happened that we have worked through. I know I'm not an angel and have made plenty of mistakes but since I have moved I am getting my act together. I have too I have a 2 1/2 year old and I'm 6 months pregnant.

At what point do you say enough is really enough? I have told him I just can't do this anymore. I just need answers and can't find them. Everyone tells me to just leave him forget about him and move on. Take him for child support and forget about it. How can I do that when I still love him though?

Thanks for letting me vent I know I went on and on and on and I could really just keep going.
__________________







Email ME ---> ajmommy2002@hotmail.com

Add ME ---> *Myspace* <---Add ME
Reply With Quote
  #2  
September 10th, 2004, 08:14 PM
TylerJ1029's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: at my desk
Posts: 27,881
I think what you need to consider is 2 things. Is this the type of person you want your children to be around? You said its like he needs a baby sitter. Do you really want to be a baby sitter to "3 kids"?
Personally I wouldnt put myself or my children in the bad situations it seems like he puts himself in. I know its hard to leave someone you love even if you know they are bad. It must be even harder when you are carrying thier baby. I dont want to sound harsh but I think sometimes even though it hurts and it may suck at the time, sometimes you have to do what's best for your kids even though in your heart it doesnt feel the best to you. I hope that made sense. ((HUGS))
__________________

Reply With Quote
  #3  
September 10th, 2004, 08:16 PM
I Heart 4x4
Guest
Posts: n/a
IMHO enough is enough when you realize you don't want your kids to be like the person you are with.

Put this into perspective - would you want your daughter/son to treat her/his gf/bf the way you are allowing this guy to treat you? Of course not!

Love cannot mend absolutely everything. My heart really goes out to you, because I have seen this situation all too often.

Do what is best for your children, be that what it is.

*** lots of hugs ***
Reply With Quote
  #4  
September 10th, 2004, 10:07 PM
tig2ger4lifemommy
Guest
Posts: n/a
Quote:
I just don't know what to do with this whole situation. You know when you love someone sooo much but just can't seem to just walk away. That's exactly how I feel.[/b]
I understand. Love is strong.

Read my post on this board....and think of Ashley's questions. She has very good points.....

Ones even I have to consider!

Take care of yourself! Where in IL are you??? PM....maybe we can help each other out!
Reply With Quote
  #5  
September 11th, 2004, 04:26 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Norhern California
Posts: 2,592
Ashley had some wonderful advice. I don't think you can go wrong if you do what is best for your children. Stay strong!

(((Hugs)))
__________________
Amber
Proud mom to my little kookaburra, Alden (03/02). #2 due 06/16/05

Reply With Quote
  #6  
September 11th, 2004, 06:03 AM
tamw402004's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Ohio.....I was born in Portsmouth, Virginia.
Posts: 15,494
My heart goes out to you........I lived most of my life in a very painful 23 year marraige to an alcoholic. We had 3 children. I can honestly say if I had to do it all over again. I would have for sure left him after having my youngest Son. I hate what my kids saw & how he made them feel. They do not respect him at all now. My advice to you beings that I came out of a rough relationship. Is to get out! If you feel in your heart things are not good, and they have not been for awhile. Don`t waste your life thinking it will get better. Or settling for less then you deserve.
I`m here if you need a friend...
TAKE CARE!!! GOD BLESS YOU & YOUR CHILDREN!

I am in a wonderful relationship with a non-drinker! LIFE IS GREAT NOW!!!!
My kids are grown & doing great! They are all so happy for me too!
I am free from the pain!
__________________
TAMMY~
~ HOST to ~FortySomething {Plus} Mommies~

Reply With Quote
  #7  
September 11th, 2004, 08:17 AM
AJMommy2002's Avatar Veteran
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Central Illinois
Posts: 194
Send a message via AIM to AJMommy2002 Send a message via MSN to AJMommy2002 Send a message via Yahoo to AJMommy2002
Thank you ladies so much for the feedback. my only problem is we live so far away from each other. When we lived together we did have problems(like any other couple) but it wasn't like this. I'm just wondering if it is because I moved 2200 miles away and he feels like he got his "freedom" back or something. I don't want it to be like that. I work a full time job, plus being a mommy to pay off bills so when I do move back we wont be in debt anymore. I don't know if the move is really the problem or is it really our relationship. How am I suppose to figure out which one it is? Where do I start with either leaving him or deciding to "work it out"?

Thanks again ladies.
__________________







Email ME ---> ajmommy2002@hotmail.com

Add ME ---> *Myspace* <---Add ME
Reply With Quote
  #8  
September 11th, 2004, 08:47 AM
tig2ger4lifemommy
Guest
Posts: n/a
Quote:
Originally posted by AJMommy2002@Sep 11 2004, 10:17 AM
Thank you ladies so much for the feedback. my only problem is we live so far away from each other. When we lived together we did have problems(like any other couple) but it wasn't like this. I'm just wondering if it is because I moved 2200 miles away and he feels like he got his "freedom" back or something. I don't want it to be like that. I work a full time job, plus being a mommy to pay off bills so when I do move back we wont be in debt anymore. I don't know if the move is really the problem or is it really our relationship. How am I suppose to figure out which one it is? Where do I start with either leaving him or deciding to "work it out"?

Thanks again ladies.
A long distance relationship is hard and that could be part of some the problem.

But I'll be honest, I think he is just going back, reverting to what is normal for him. IF he couldn't stay clean and honest for you, there are issues.

As for how to go about doing whatever you chose to do.....if I knew the answer I would be a HAPPY millionare right now!
Reply With Quote
  #9  
September 11th, 2004, 11:26 AM
I Heart 4x4
Guest
Posts: n/a
I have pretty strong opinions on subjects like this.

If the guy is using drugs and lying - the problem is NOT the distance and it's NOT the relationship ... the problem is HIM.

People don't change unless they want to, and it's blaringly obvious he has not changed.

Like I've told a couple of the ladies here on the board, I compare everyone's marriage to my own, and my parents. I consider both of our marriages good, strong, respectable unions based on love, honesty and integrity. Without those three key figures, NO marriage or relationship will work out. Distance is a detour, not an obstacle. Does that make sense?

Never in one hundred million billion years would my husband or my dad cheat on me or my mom. Never would they lie, cheat or steal from anyone.

What is more important to you - having this man in your life but constantly being lied to, possibly cheated on and exposing your two children to a drug-user ........ or going through the pain of breaking up and possibly finding a true Man.

If you need someone to talk to, feel free to contact me.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
September 11th, 2004, 02:10 PM
tamw402004's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Ohio.....I was born in Portsmouth, Virginia.
Posts: 15,494
Quote:
Originally posted by AJMommy2002@Sep 11 2004, 10:17 AM
Thank you ladies so much for the feedback. my only problem is we live so far away from each other. When we lived together we did have problems(like any other couple) but it wasn't like this. I'm just wondering if it is because I moved 2200 miles away and he feels like he got his "freedom" back or something. I don't want it to be like that. I work a full time job, plus being a mommy to pay off bills so when I do move back we wont be in debt anymore. I don't know if the move is really the problem or is it really our relationship. How am I suppose to figure out which one it is? Where do I start with either leaving him or deciding to "work it out"?

Thanks again ladies.
I feel like when two people are in a relationship it is so important to be good to each other from a far too. That trust & respect must be true between both people no matter where you are.
I hope & Pray it works out well for You & your children!
__________________
TAMMY~
~ HOST to ~FortySomething {Plus} Mommies~

Reply With Quote
  #11  
September 12th, 2004, 07:05 PM
Carol
Guest
Posts: n/a
Quote:
Originally posted by AJMommy2002@Sep 11 2004, 12:17 PM
Thank you ladies so much for the feedback. my only problem is we live so far away from each other. When we lived together we did have problems(like any other couple) but it wasn't like this. I'm just wondering if it is because I moved 2200 miles away and he feels like he got his "freedom" back or something. I don't want it to be like that. I work a full time job, plus being a mommy to pay off bills so when I do move back we wont be in debt anymore. I don't know if the move is really the problem or is it really our relationship. How am I suppose to figure out which one it is? Where do I start with either leaving him or deciding to "work it out"?

Thanks again ladies.
Distance can be difficult, I know. My husband and I have had our fair share of problems and will probably have them again. He is 7000 miles away from us in a foreign country, and has the freedom to do whatever he wants without risk of getting caught. Not good for someone who is a recovering alcoholic in Europe, where the beer flows like water. However, he respects me, our children, himself and our marriage enough not to. I have moments when I let myself think the worst, but it is distance playing tricks on my mind. The way I see it, if he's going to do something when he's far from you, he'll do it when you're close. He will find a way, they always do.

Good luck, and I hope that it's just the distance playing head games with you. He may have been innocent, but was afraid you'd suspect something if he told you where he really was. Not that it excuses lying, but it's man logic.
Reply With Quote
  #12  
September 13th, 2004, 01:23 PM
in_mommy's Avatar I am just me
Join Date: Mar 2004
Posts: 14,873
[COLOR=purple]You need to keep your children and yourself as priority one. You know what an addict does to try to cover up what they are doing, they lie. Until he chooses to give up that lifestyle and asks for help, I really don't think there is much that you can do. You can tell him over and over that you would wish for him to stop and that you know that he is lying to you, but if he is under the influence, I doubt it does you much good. I know that hurts to hear, but you don't need to get yourself back into that situation either, you have an adorbale little girl to take care of and another on the way. You don't need to "babysit" another one, who could put your whole family in danger. Until he decides that he is ready to give it all up and get help, then I suggest that you break it off.
(((HUGS))))

Hang in there!
Reply With Quote
  #13  
September 14th, 2004, 08:24 AM
tamw402004's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Ohio.....I was born in Portsmouth, Virginia.
Posts: 15,494
Quote:
Originally posted by in_mommy@Sep 13 2004, 03:23 PM
You need to keep your children and yourself as priority one. You know what an addict does to try to cover up what they are doing, they lie. Until he chooses to give up that lifestyle and asks for help, I really don't think there is much that you can do. You can tell him over and over that you would wish for him to stop and that you know that he is lying to you, but if he is under the influence, I doubt it does you much good. I know that hurts to hear, but you don't need to get yourself back into that situation either, you have an adorbale little girl to take care of and another on the way. You don't need to "babysit" another one, who could put your whole family in danger. Until he decides that he is ready to give it all up and get help, then I suggest that you break it off.
(((HUGS))))

Hang in there!
[color=purple]Very well put Jennifer! I agree with your way of thinking!
__________________
TAMMY~
~ HOST to ~FortySomething {Plus} Mommies~

Reply With Quote
  #14  
September 14th, 2004, 01:57 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Boothwyn, PA
Posts: 1,026
It's never easy- I was in a similar situation in my early twenties except I lost the baby. My SO at the time was doing all the same things. It was a long time before I realized that HE was the one that needed to turn his life around. No one-not even you or your children-can do that for him. No amount of love in the world can do that for him. My advice is to love him and let him go. Let his excuses go, let his "good intentions"go. You already know that he way he is living his life now has no place for children in it. Maybe one day he will change and be ok. That will be his choice. But now the choice is yours to make. Lots of Luck I know it won't be easy.

PS-Not to scare you but just for your info. That SO ended up with 4 kids from 3 women and killed himself the beginning of last yr. I heard it was because he didn't want to face rehab yet again.

((HUGS))
__________________
<img

Reply With Quote
  #15  
September 14th, 2004, 08:47 PM
crazylady
Guest
Posts: n/a
i feel for you... im in a situation a bit like yours its hard...i just moved back to il from milwaukee since i moved up there with him 2 years ago....i dont have any family up there so i was totally isolated besides my best friend living there also(she moved up there a few years before me)...so i know how hard it can be especially when youre pregnant...all i can say is go with your mind and not your heart in situations like this because your heart could get you in trouble :hug2:
Reply With Quote
  #16  
September 14th, 2004, 09:17 PM
tig2ger4lifemommy
Guest
Posts: n/a
Quote:
Originally posted by crazylady@Sep 14 2004, 10:47 PM
i feel for you... im in a situation a bit like yours its hard...i just moved back to il from milwaukee since i moved up there with him 2 years ago....i dont have any family up there so i was totally isolated besides my best friend living there also(she moved up there a few years before me)...so i know how hard it can be especially when youre pregnant...all i can say is go with your mind and not your heart in situations like this because your heart could get you in trouble :hug2:
How very well put!

Not only are our kids close in b-days, we both live in IL!!!
Reply With Quote
  #17  
September 14th, 2004, 09:33 PM
crazylady
Guest
Posts: n/a
cool! what region do you live in...im outside of chicago
Reply With Quote
Reply

Topic Tools Search this Topic
Search this Topic:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 02:38 AM.



Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Optimization by vBSEO 3.6.0