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I feel like such a fool...


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  #1  
September 27th, 2004, 05:09 PM
Mega Super Mommy
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I feel like such a fool right now and I am so steaming mad right now that this was the only place I could think to come to and vent. DH and I have been battleing the issue of porn. He has "buddies"that send him pictures in his email and he gets some from work. I have recently looked through his computer and found folders of ladies he has downloaded. I erased them all and confronted him again. H doesnot seem to get it that this bothers me. To me he sees these"perfect" women and I am FAR from that! This evening I just had this feeling to check his mail. He got a new g-mail account. Well lo and behold there were a mountain of pictures in there. I feel like such the fool, cause he always says ok I wont do it and I fall for it each and every time. Now let me say the pictures are of grown women before someone askes. Has anyone ever had to deal with this? What would you do? We have a 4yr old son as well. I have told him if this continues that I would think of seperating till he got it together. I know alot of men do this, but th what extent to I say enough is enough? HELP!!! Ok I'm off my :soapbox: :shutup: :boxing:
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  #2  
September 27th, 2004, 05:24 PM
ranidae
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well I guess it depends on the woman honestly. I for one see no problem with porn because I am the one he is with. I also know he gets a TON of it in his email, but then so does my jonsbestgirl account. I dont see the pictures of perfect women as not being attracted to me, it is pretty hard to find good porn with women my size. Plus honestly our sex life has been so inactive lately I would love if he would look at porn, maybe I would get some.

I think you need to sit him down and tell him that looking at it for mild entertainment is ok, but getting so much of it that you have to clear the pictures on your computer more than once a week is too much. Or maybe join him in looking at it, find out what he really thinks when he is seeing it. Or maybe see if erotic stories would be just as good for him, there are several great sites out there for that and they tend to have a minimum of pictures. Or offer to get him a subscription to Playboy or another mild type porn magazine instead of looking at it online.
Or you can go to a extreme and set yourself up as the main user of your ISP and put on parental controls.

I wouldnt end my marriage over porn though, to me it isn't worth it.
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  #3  
September 27th, 2004, 05:35 PM
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Quote:
Originally posted by ranidae@Sep 27 2004, 07:24 PM
I think you need to sit him down and tell him that looking at it for mild entertainment is ok, but getting so much of it that you have to clear the pictures on your computer more than once a week is too much. Or maybe join him in looking at it, find out what he really thinks when he is seeing it. Or maybe see if erotic stories would be just as good for him, there are several great sites out there for that and they tend to have a minimum of pictures. Or offer to get him a subscription to Playboy or another mild type porn magazine instead of looking at it online.
Or you can go to a extreme and set yourself up as the main user of your ISP and put on parental controls.

I wouldnt end my marriage over porn though, to me it isn't worth it.
So I'll just get him a subscription to playboy so i can pay for him to look at it. at least it is free on the internet. if I dont like him looking at it do you really think i would want to sit down and look at it with him?As for putting parental controls on the computer...he is a computer major. He knows how to get around it and that would be a definate way to spell d-i-v-o-r-c-e
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  #4  
September 27th, 2004, 05:43 PM
ranidae
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Sorry........didn't mean to upset you, just trying to give some ideas.
I really don't mind regular adult porn so it is hard for me to think of ways to stop someone from looking. I probably shouldn't have tried saying anything
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  #5  
September 27th, 2004, 05:47 PM
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It's hard to say because I'm not really offended by it as long as it's tasteful.

HOWEVER, I am not the person involved in your marriage, and if I were I would respect my spouse's objections. If he can't respect your feelings, how does he expect to continue his marriage happily? I'd make it well known that if he couldn't abide by agreements you have set in the marriage, then I was going to install spyware so that I could see every single thing he was doing online. Where to go from there is up to you. Don't make empty threats though. If you say you're leaving if you catch him again, you've got to be prepared to make that move. Doing otherwise just tells him that no matter what you threaten, he can continue to do what he wants because you won't follow through. KWIM??

Good luck to you hon.
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  #6  
September 27th, 2004, 05:48 PM
twinsmom26
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I dont see anything wrong with it either, but I guess if it bothered you that bad just tell him you dont want a computer in your home anymore. I couldnt see getting a divorce over some pictures though.
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  #7  
September 27th, 2004, 05:55 PM
I Heart 4x4
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If you are truly uncomfortable with it, and he flat out refuses to change ... for some women, when their husbands look at porn it feels like a form of cheating. I know I hate it when Randy looks at porn. Then again, I bought him a subscription to Playboy.

I say that if you are uncomfortable, then perhaps suggest counseling. I don't know how severe it is, but, if it is bad enough to be called an addiction, perhaps he needs help.

Lots of hugs to you.
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  #8  
September 27th, 2004, 06:24 PM
tig2ger4lifemommy
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Wow, so many opionons!

Here are my thoughts on the matter. First, Dh knows that if I EVER found porn on the computer or anywhere in the house, he would not be sleeping in the same house as me! JMHO. I have a young daughter and now a young son. I don't want to have to explain to my DD why Daddy looks at porn, just my personal prefence. And I don't want my son to fall into all the problems that come with young age addiction.

My x-best friend & her DH had the same problem. She threatened him and said if he didn't stop she would leave, they didn't have kids. But were trying. Well, she found some and moved into her folks. However, she didn't fully follow through with her threat, she would go over there and they would spend time having sex. Her DH was probably in deeper then yours, he had hidden porn items(not pics!) in a box. Well, she finally decided that he was reformed. But he wasn't. I had to stay with them for awhile. Let me just say, she now pretends he doesn't, they have 2 kids and still have the worst marriage I've seen (and not because of the porn). For him the porn is a getaway. Not making excuses for him.

So my only thing I guess from this story is whatever you decide to do. Stand your ground! Be strong!


PM me if you need to. Sending one your way!
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  #9  
September 27th, 2004, 06:39 PM
alyssasmommy2001
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I think that if he can't give up the porn when he knows it could affect your marriage, then he could have a problem. I don't understand the situation you are in b/c my dh doesn't look at porn, but I know how you feel about the porn issue. A lot of ppl don't see anything wrong with looking at porn, but it can cause some severe issues in some ppl that it doesn't cause in others. I agree with you being upset, I just wish I had some advice for you. Good luck!


(((HUGS)))
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  #10  
September 27th, 2004, 08:37 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Tennessee
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I agree with you being upset as well. I don't really have any advice because my hubby doesn't look at porn, but I would be very upset if he did. To me, and this is just my opinion, porn is just as bad as cheating. I know a lot of people don't have a problem with it, but my belief is, if you have lust in your heart, you have already cheated. Not to mention, for some people with control issues, it can go beyond just lookng at porn just like alcohol can go to more than just casual drinking for people with control issues. I totally agree with you being upset, and I agree with Jeannie. If you have told him how much it bothers you, and he doesn't care enough to stop, it sound like he has the problem, not you. I really hope that you can settle it soon. I hope things get better for you. :hug2:
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  #11  
September 28th, 2004, 05:45 PM
in_mommy's Avatar I am just me
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I think that if it is bothering you and you have told him how you feel about it and he continues to do it, then there is a problem. I would not be happy if I found out my DH was doing that. I would not want to try to explain to my little ones why daddy is looking at that sort of stuff. Will it start off by just looking at pics and blow up into actually physically cheating. Here is a link that you might find to be interesting / helpful for you. http://www.everystudent.com/wires/toxic.html

(((HUGS)))
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  #12  
September 29th, 2004, 02:51 AM
Mega Super Mommy
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Location: Norhern California
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I agree that if you've told him it bothers you and he keeps doing it, it's a problem because he's not respecting your feelings.

If his buddies are the ones sending him the porn, I can see how it would be a difficult situation for him though. I imagine he doesn't want to tell his buddies to stop sending him the pics b/c his wife doesn't like it!

I think though, that out of respect to you, he should delete it all immediately without opening it.
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  #13  
September 29th, 2004, 05:43 AM
Mega Super Mommy
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Quote:
Originally posted by coffeemom@Sep 27 2004, 07:09 PM
To me he sees these"perfect" women and I am FAR from that!
I was just wondering would you still be upset if he was looking at porn of large women? or women whom you don't perceive as being perfect?

The reason I ask is that it seems that your more upset with him looking at women who you perceive as perfect then over the actual porn. There is nothing wrong with being against porn, or being for it (as long as it's not kiddie porn).

You know I admire guys with nice chests, my hubby is definitely far from having one of those but it doesn't diminish my love or affection for him.
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  #14  
September 30th, 2004, 08:03 PM
dejasmommy143's Avatar Super Mommy
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i really dont like it too much but if it is exesive i will definatley be mad and i have gone through it before where it was really bad and i used the parental controls on the computer for a while just to give him the hint. or if he is the type i can do it and you cant then go get some pics of hot men and let him perposely (sp? sorry) find it then he may understand. But like i said i dont mind it to a bit but some men thats all they want why even have us. Ive been with that type and it sucks. Good luck sweetie!!
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