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I never expected this, but I'm hitting a particularly rough time with Danny's PR right now. A bunch of ladies are having their second child right around now, in the past couple months or the upcoming ones, and it's just striking chords for me. The toddlers in Danny's PR are right around the same age Eric was when Danny was born, and with each birth and healthy baby, the little green monster sprouts up. Why couldn't I have that? What did these ladies all do different that they get to bring home their second child, introduce him or her to their older sibling, and carry on life with two perfectly healthy, typical kids? I feel bad, because I'd never wish it on any of them, but while everyone else is thrilled and excited for all the new-again moms I just sit here jealous and, well, feeling sorry for myself if I'm perfectly honest. I don't particularly want another child, but at the same time I wish I had another chance to get to do all the things I got totally robbed of.
Man, I needed to get that off my chest. I can't wait for the day when I can actually be happy for people and their new babies again instead of just feeling bitter. I HATE that I feel this way, I honestly do.
It is totally understandable to feel that way every now and then. My sister had her second son (we both have 2 boys) after I had my second son. Her baby who just turned a year old, has hit every milestone AT, or before when a baby is "supposed" to. Its hard for me to get excited when her baby does something that it has taken my son 3 years to do. :-/
We have all been there. When I see a baby that looks about 6 months old and is healthy, it makes me sad. Not because I want other babies being sick but because I see everything we missed out with Joey. I miss the innocence I had before Joey was diagnosed, and before we knew this was a lifelong issue.
It is normal, and completely understandable. You are grieving what you didn't get to enjoy.
(((HUGS))) I'm glad you got that off your chest! It helps to actually say/write these things rather than holding them in, doesn't it? I don't think that a single person in this group hasn't wished for the "normal" experience, even if only briefly. It means that our kids would have a normal experience, our other kids would, we would, etc. It would all just be easier. I love Milo exactly how he is, and I think that he's simply amazing. But I wish that it could be easier for him AND for Kannon. It just doesn't seem fair. That said, I'm glad we all have each other to come to for things like this. "Special" is the new "normal"!
It really does feel so much better just to say it. I am always trying to be so conscious around most people of not saying this kind of stuff because they start thinking I'm depressed, or like they need to walk on egg shells around me - which is not what I want, I just need to let it out sometimes! I am so thankful to have you ladies.
((HUGS)) Kel. That's why I love having you ladies. We know exactly what it's like raising a child with SN. And, it's okay to be jealous/angry/upset. It's NORMAL. I'm just glad you can share this with us.
Thanks Yvonne (Jaidynsmum) for my beautiful siggy!