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Forgive me if I ramble, my fine & gross motor skills are a mess. I can't drive, I can't walk w/ out assistance of a person or cane, I can't wash my kids clothes, I can put my babies to bed at night, I can't be intimate w/ my husband, I can't wash my hair & try to look pretty.
I had the surgery the Monday before Thanksgiving. I woke up just praying that I would hear, that no matter what, I needed to be able to hear my children cry, laugh & tell me "mommy, your beautiful" or "I love you, you're the best mom ever". Knowing that I can hear them is great, not as well as the norm but it's better than nothing.
Becca came to help, God I love that girl, she's better than me & me & Mark keep asking "when is Becca coming back?" she's a God's sent, and honestly, the most helpful, giving person I've ever met. My boys LOVED her to death. They keep asking "where is Miss Becca?" I show them pictures of her & they really miss her. I wish we lived closer, I miss her a lot too.
After Becca had to go home () My "family"... well, they came to "help" my kids while I recovered for a week, as of today, they told me that I'd have to figure it out on our own (me & my husband). Firstly, we bought a wifi for the home so that my mother could work out of the house as she does in her house. My aunt, has no job, doesn't have anything to do & there is no reason for her not to be here to help. Their idea of "help" is giving them pudding for breakfast, keeping them in stinky diapers all day & letting the babies bring milk into the family room, the room that the off white carpet USUALLY looks lovely, but now is covered in stains from the milk.
While I layed in my bed, no one offered me food. I did eat lots of saltines & water. I am on lots of pain meds & try to take them only when very necessary. The doc has me on a new pain med, I took it this morning, but only half of it, I have to get better, not sleep all day, even thought that's what the doc wants.
My husband is has become a new man, angry I guess is the best word to use. Aside from working all day long, he comes home to a mess (my family dones't clean), he has to do laundry (has a load a day, at least), then cook us a meal (he's doing a great job at that), then try to get the kids baths (again, doing a wonderful job). He's said "when are you going to get better?" the doctors looked at him & said "your wife has had major surgery, this isn't something to take lightly & it's going to be a long recovery"... they told me months, not days, weeks, but months. I can honestly say that this is a worst recovery than having children. Yes, that I realize that it's hard for my husband & he's now seeing how much it truly takes to raise a bunch of children, some w/ special needs & cook/clean, it's exhausting & he's angry w/ everyone, me, the kids, snaps a lot, I hate him this way. I never asked him for this, I never wanted to be sick, why is he so mad at me? I want to get better, I walk around w/ my cane as much as possible (even though I am suppose to stay sitting/lying down, and I am pushing myself to do more so I can move again. Yesterday was the first day I left my house. For post-op, he said I was healing well, but I need to get more antibiotics, pain meds & no strenuous activities. Fine by me. Just hard not being able to dress mylsef w/ out help. I feel ashamed.
Do I feel sorry for myself? Heck yeah! I want my body to recover, I want to be active & able to drive again, I want to be able to do my own laundry (never thought I'd actually want to do launry but I do).
I know a lot of this is rambling. I am unable to exercise or carry anything over 5 pouds, my kids all exceed 30lbs. I want my life back. I just want to be the way I was. My husband thinks this surgery was to "fix" all my problems that I have been experiencing, but it was explained to him by both the surgeon "and" the nurses that the purpose of the surgery was to fix the spinal fluid abscess & then remove the "infected bone" that would have spread to my brain & eventually caused brain damage, stroke, and even death. The point of the surgery was to keep me alive, all the rest is a bonus. The surgeon told me that I might have certain symptoms that are worst than others & some will get better or some will stay the same, but the goal was to remove the disease that was spreading through my skull.
I have so much more to "blog" about... but it's hard to type (one of my set backs). I'll write more later. And I want support & a big kick in my behind to get back on track ASAP once the doc allows me too.
Well...so that's it in a nutshell. I wanted to post, say hello & let you know that I will remain MIA until I can truly get back on track. Just wanted to touch basis w/ you all. Hope you are okay.