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I'm up to my eyeballs in online journals, so what's another one? (Warning: When I get to typing, I donít quite very easily. This will be long.)
DH and I both desperately want a baby. We watch everyone around us having their 3rd or 4th and we canít even have one. Iíd be a liar if I said it didnít hurt.
Iíve always thought that I would love to have a boy first, but the more time that passes, the more I couldnít care less. DH always wanted a girl first. Now days, gender doesnít matter. All we want is a healthy babyÖ..or two.
DH and I have been trying to have a baby since we got married on June 29th of 2001, but honestly we were having unprotected sex a couple of years prior to that date.
I've pretty much always had irregular cycles, and by irregular I mean that there were years when I would have one, maybe two, periods, and then the next year IĎd have 6 or 7. I've been to numerous doctors about this throughout my adulthood, but all any of them suggested was that I take birth control. I did that for 3 months, and it didn't work as promised.
When DH and I moved back to my hometown last year, we really decided to get serious about TTC again. We are, financially, in the best position weíve ever been in (home paid for, cars paid for, etc), and our relationship has never been stronger. Add that to the fact that I desperately want to have my first child before I hit 30, and thereís never been a better time. After months of many more doctors telling me to try birth control, I found an OBGYN that actually listened to me, and decided to try something different.
He said that he doesn't believe I have any major problems to speak of, just a hormone imbalance, and possibly one of those annoying cases of unexplainable infertility.
I first met with my OBGYN on February 19th of this year. He put me on Provera to start my period from February 19th to February 29th. I started my period on March 6th, and took my first Clomid on March 8th. I got my first positive OPK on CD 18.
The first month resulted in a BFN. The second month of Clomid resulted in a period on April 8th, and a trip to the ER on CD 4 due to severe cramping, and I do mean severe. The NP that I saw didn't seem to know exactly what she was doing. About $600 later, she sent me home with a piece of paper describing what menstrual cramps felt like. I'm 27 years old, and though I've never had a period at regular intervals like I should, I still know exactly what menstrual cramps feel like. These were not them.
I'm now on my third month of Clomid, and currently CD 13. I still haven't O'd yet, but that isn't abnormal. I seem to O around CD 19, and either have a 32 or 33 day cycle.
At first, I wasn't sure that I was actually ovulating, but I have no doubt that I am now. I do not, under any circumstances, have periods within 33 days of each other, so the Clomid must be doing its job. However, who knows if the egg is actually being released? Isnít it possible that my body is trying to ovulate, but for some reason or another (blocked tubes, etc) the egg is not being released, however the release of hormones is tricking my body into having a period? I donít have any idea if this is possible or not, but, with my luck, it probably is.
I take a prenatal every day, as well as a variety of other vitamins. DH also takes a handful of vitamins every morning. We had completely cut out the caffeine, but started drinking Pepsi again after last months BFN. I guess I just thought there was no point in not enjoying my occasional Pepsi when Iím not getting pregnant anyway.
DH had his semen analysis done, and it was determined that he has Super Sperm. He had 90% motility, a count of 188 million, and various other unbelievable numbers. His volume was slightly low, and he had a very high concentration of round cells. I got him an appointment with the urologist to check out the volume, and determine if the round cell count indicates infection, but they couldnít get him in until June 19th. Is it possible that his volume of 1 ml is causing fertility issues, even though his other numbers are amazing? (Also, why is it that some doctors/labs say semen volume needs to be 1 ml or higher, and some say 2 ml or higher? Ours says 2. Is DHís 1 ml really a problem?) Could the round cell concentration be causing a problem even though his numbers are very high?
I donít know what is causing this low volume. TMI and all, but DH always had a ridiculous amount of semen like I have never seen before! Iím not exaggerating either. He had a very high volume. I havenít really seen much of it in quite a while, since it all goes in the proper place for baby making, so I have no idea how long it has been low. What would cause this in someone that normally has an unusually high volume?
I have an appointment with my OBGYN on June 10th that I am supposed to keep if I am not pregnant by then. Well, it looks as though Iíll definitely be keeping it.
My doctor had a few other suggestions to try, but Iím really not sure how much more he can help us. I tried to find an RE, but the closest one is in St. Louis. With Mom being sick and everything, driving to St. Louis for appointments is not an option. I find this extremely frustrating. What if all thatís keeping us from having a baby is not being able to see an RE?
I can still have things like HSGís done without an RE, but it ends up being a lot more trouble and a case of jumping from doctor to doctor to doctor. It would be so much better to have an RE. Besides, from what Iíve read, Iím quite terrified of having an HSG, but if it gets us closer to our baby, then I think IĎd do it.
DH and I had a long talk a couple of weeks ago about the whole baby mess while eating at our favorite Chinese restaurant. I opened a fortune cookie, toward the end of our conversation, and this is what it said: ďYour goal will be met in two months.Ē I know, itís an extremely small thing to cling on to, but itís about all I got. Besides you have to admit that it was a little odd. Youíll probably think Iím insane, but I kept the fortune. I thought, if I do, by some slim chance, become pregnant in July, it would be an extremely neat thing to add to the baby book.
DH started a new job on the 19th of this month, and we should have insurance in about 90 days. That will be different! We havenít had insurance in a few years. With all of these doctorís appointments weíve been going to, the insurance will be a blessing. I just hope they cover infertility, at least a little bit. It sure looks like we are going to need that coverage.
Well, I'm on CD 29 of what is supposed to be my last month of Clomid. It seems that the Clomid did make me ovulate, but, obviously, that didn't help. Maybe my tubes are blocked or something? I don't know how that will be resolved, if that's the case, since there isn't an RE anywhere near here.
The appointment with my OBGYN is coming up on Tuesday, but I honestly don't see any point in keeping the appointment. I will because DH wants me to, but I really don't see a point.
What can he possibly tell me? "Well, the Clomid didn't work, huh? Hm....sorry 'bout that." I know what he's going to tell me. He's going to tell me to lose weight, as if it is that easy, and if accomplished, it will cure all.
It's all a waste of time, and the millions of baby items we've collected were a gigantic waste of money, and a constant reminder that we'll never have children.
I wonder when the time will come that I box up everything baby related and give it to charity/as gifts? When do you get to the point to where you say 'That's it. Someone could use this crap, because I'm never going to get to'?
My mom's friend's daughter just had a baby day before yesterday. He is her third, and she is approximately 4 years younger than I am. It just isn't fair that we can't even have one.
My mom keeps asking me if I am pregnant yet. Like I'm purposely keeping myself from getting pregnant just for fun. I know that's not how she means it (she doesn't want us to have kids at all), but it really gets annoying. Really.
Maybe it is time to stop buying baby crap and get rid of all the baby stuff that we do have? It's been 7 years. What are the chances of it happening after that length of time?
Well, my appointment today actually went well. We discussed IUI, HSG's, and a surgery involving ovarian drilling, HSG, and 'cleaning out' of the uterus.
For the next three months, I will be on 100mg of Clomid. I will then do a progesterone check somewhere between CD 21-23. If I'm not pregnant by Septmenber, I have an appointment on September 15th where we will start going in to HSG's etc.
My doctor (did I mention that I love that man?) didn't charge me for today.
Yay for plans! Though I wish this would just happen, I am glad to be on the right track and have a plan.
My hopes were high when DH and I returned from my doctor's visit, but my uplifted spirit was soon squashed by mother and her attitude. Her dislike for us possibily having a child steadily increases every day.
I tried to talk to her about what went on at the appointment, but she wanted to hear none of it. I told her about the progesterone check, and her response was, "My God. What will that cost?" She then quickly changed the subject, and has been in a very depressed, 'on edge' mood all day long. I keep feeling as though she is going to explode if I say the wrong thing. It's as though she was hoping that the appointment would go badly, which hurts my feelings beyond belief.
I'm really not sure what her problem is with the situation. She has now started throwing ultimatims at us if we do have a baby. She is claiming that she will move back to her house and live alone, even though that really isn't any kind of option.
I wish that I was one of those lucky people that wakes up one day to realize that they have accidentally created life. I get so tired of all the second-guessing, the worries, and concerns. I wish I could have just popped up pregnant one day, and let everyone know that we were going to have a baby and to hell with their petty little crap.....but, instead, here we are planning and purposely trying, and all of the silly people in our lives can use that against us and call us selfish for wanting what they all have.
I hate not being able to share my excitement/fear about the situation with my mother. We used to share everything, but that's no longer the case. I feel as though I have to hide every baby related purchase from her. I refuse to EVER share my fears of not having children with her. And I can't even share any sort of excitement because her mood will instantly go down hill.
She is making me feel as though I am doing something wrong by wanting children. I hate feeling this way. I hate having to struggle between what DH and I want, and what everyone else wants from us. Why can't people just be supportive? Is that so hard?
I don't want to aggravate anyone with our decisions, but is it really anyone's business but ours if we have children? Everyone around us has children and that seems to be fine, but, for some reason, we aren't supposed to. We are supposed to continue to please everyone else, and give up our entire lives for what they want. That's not fair.
AF is two days late, and I know she is doing it on purpose.
I've had cramps for at least 3 days now, and those sharp pains in my vagina that I get when AF is on her way.
About a week ago, I had a nosebleed, which I've recently read is occasionally a pregnancy symptom. (Why in the hell is that?) I don't mean that blood poured from my nose, that's never happened to me, but when I blew it, it was solid blood. Probably sinuses/allergies.
I started getting sick yesterday. You know how you feel when a cold is coming on? You aren't exactly completely sick yet, but you just don't feel right. That's how I feel. Just kind of tired and yucky.
My breasts are sore, but they are always sore right before AF.
I've been having what feels like a bladder infection. You know, constant peeing, pressure when you go. That kind of stuff. But, I'm a little prone to those anyway.
Most likely all of this is coincidence. In fact, AF is probably here as I type this. I think she was just toying with me.
Took 3 HPT's, two different brands, all positive. Thank you, Clomid!!
I can't get in to see my OBGYN until at least Monday.
I still feel sick, like I'm coming down with a cold. I haven't really been hungry at all today, but that could be nerves. I've been cold a lot, but that could actually be that I am catching a cold. Feel 'not all there' today. Kind of sleepy and not very alert. I've had a lot of cramping (nothing severe) as though AF is about to start. I've been doing that for days now.
I'm really not sure what DPO I am, since I don't know when exactly I ovulated. It seems I should be somewhere between 11-13 DPO, I believe.
This isn't a TTC journal any longer, but I wanted to add a few things:
Friday, DH and I went to get some HPT's because my period was 2 days late. When we got back, I ran into the bathroom to test while DH was getting some things out of our Explorer.
The line came up immediately. I looked at it for a minute, then remember the 'World's Greatest Dad' shirt that I had bought for DH a few weeks ago. I had the HPT in my hand, and went and grabbed the shirt out of the diaper bag we had already purchased.
DH was starting to come in the door when I ran out to meet him. I told him to wait just a second, I had something for him. I held out the shirt and said, "I think I need to give this to you now." He said, "What?" with this odd look on his face. "Seriously," I said, "Take it."
He knew what was going on then. His expression was elation, and terror. He opened up the shirt, looked at it, and said, "..Uhh...Uhh...What does this...Are you..." I handed him the HPT then and I was certain that he was going to fall off the porch.
I took a digital that same day, and it came up 'not pregnant' even though 3 'line tests' showed pregnant. For some reason, that bothered me. Not knowing what DPO I was really, I just assumed that it was too early for the digi to detect.
I'm pretty sure that I have taken 175 pregnancy tests since Friday. I just needed to repeatedly see lines..two lines. It's like it wouldn't sink in until I saw the words on the digital. So, this morning, I took the second digi.
I've came to the conclusion that the conception was from BDing on June 1st (cycle day 22), twice. It had to be then. Any other time would have been too long ago. And in case anyone is wondering, we BD'd in two positions that are supposed to be bad for TTC.
I don't even know what to think anymore. DH and I are both excited, and terrified. Unfortunately he has to work Monday and won't be able to come with me to get my blood test done. (I hope they get me in Monday!!)
DH is so cute about the whole thing. He's already thinking of names for Bean.
I really haven't been hungry at all. I've been nauseous some, but that may just be nerves. My breasts are very tender and have quite a few veins showing. I've been very sleepy. That's about all that's going on right now.
The miscarriage was a terrible thing, and it affected DH and I tremendously, but it did teach me a few things about my body.
I have a habit of writing down everything unusual that happens, in the hopes of trying to better understand my body and how it works. I knew for a fact that we either conceived on May 27th, May 30th, or June 1st. Those were the only days that were even a possibility.
After the miscarriage, I went back over my calendar on my computer and looked through what was going on with my body during the time we conceived. I found on the 28th that I was having AF like cramping, and on the 30th I had pains on the right side of my abdomen. I've noticed that I have these pains every month, but have never pin-pointed them as anything to do with ovulation. Now, I think it's too much of a coincidence to not be.
My doctor told me during the miscarriage that he didn't believe there was any physical reason at all to wait to try again. My HCG levels were all the way back down in a very short time, and as early on as I was, he said it would be fine. He told me to start taking my Clomid again on June 27th, but I started it on June 28th. This seems to be contradictory to what I have read online, with most doctor's making people wait at least one cycle, but I trust my doctor immensely. He has been nothing but wonderful, and he's gotten us this far when no one else was willing to help.
So, we're just waiting to see what happens next, and whether or not I will ovulate, and whether or not it leads to a (hopefully) sticky bean.
If I do get pregnant again, my doctor will put me on Prometrium through out early pregnancy. In fact, I already have the prescription and must start taking it as soon as I get a BFP. (I will take one in the morning, and insert the other one in my vagina at night. How lovely, huh?) My progesterone levels were off some, and he's worried that may have contributed to the miscarriage.
After a few miscarriages, DH's niece finally got put on Prometrium, and she is now due in October. So, hopefully it really was just a progesterone issue, and the Prometrium is all I will need. I desperately hope it isn't something more complicated than that, and that miscarriages aren't a recurrent thing.
I am normally not an optimistic person at all. I have a tendency to look for the worst in every situation, so I feel really odd being so positive about things. I really believe that we will have our baby very soon. I sure hope I'm not wrong.
So, if I count the first day I took the Clomid as CD 3 (I normally take it days 3-7) then I should be on CD 25.
My cervix was definitely high-ish and soft on the 8th (CD 13), and I had the typical sharp, but mild, pains on the left side. Then, on the 13th (CD 18) my cervix was so high that DH could barely reach it. Since I'm not one that necessarily gets noticeable amounts of EWCM, I'm not really sure which of those days I ovulated.
If I O'd on the 8th, I should be about 12 DPO and get AF around Tuesday. If I O'd on the 13th, then I'm 7 DPO and will get AF around the 27th of this month. I guess I will find out around Tuesday which one of those happens, huh?
I don't know why, but my breasts haven't been really sore at all this month. Normally, a week after I get done with the Clomid, my breasts get sore. Maybe it's the switch to the 100mg that has changed my symptoms? I would think that the higher dosage would intensify the symptoms, but it sure hasn't with me, so far.
I have been nauseous some, but I've been under some stress for the last week or so, and that is probably contributing to my stomach issues.
DH asked, "When do we get to know if you are pregnant again?!" He's so cute about it all, but I really don't know what to tell him, since I'm not exactly sure when I O'd. This is frustrating.
Well, I must not have O'd on the 13th like I thought was a possibility, since AF isn't here. Normally, I O around CD 19, but I'm pretty sure I O'd a little earlier than that.
I have had some nausea, but it would be far too early for that if it were pregnancy related. I'm sure it is nerves. Too much has been going on lately.
I am having that I'm-hungry-and-my-stomach-is-going-to-eat-itself-but-I-have-no-appetite feeling that I had while pregnant, but I'm pretty sure it's just a stomach issue caused partly by the Clomid, partly by my nerves.
I started getting some very mild AF cramps about an hour ago, and they have progressively been getting worse, though they are still mild. I'm sure that means that AF will be here by the weekend.
My breasts hadn't been sore at all this cycle, which I thought was a little odd, but they are finally sore. It started with sharp pains in my left nipple, and now my breasts are tender and my poor nipples have been hard for hours. I have no idea why the Clomid does that to me.
At least I know that I am still Oing with the Clomid, which is reassuring. I also know that I can get pregnant. Now all I have to do is get that way, and stay that way.
I'm going to be testing on Sunday or Monday if AF isn't here by then, but I'm certain that she will be.
ETA: If you all have read through this thing, you will see a few entries up where I got a fortune cookie that said my goal would be met in two months. I got that cookie in the beginning of May, so July would be two months. I sure hope the fortune cookie company had insight into my situation. How cool would that be???
Well, I'm on CD 31 today, and no AF, as of yet, but that isn't unusual. I start having AF spotting on CD 33, and then full-blown AF the day after. (I had previously thought that my cycles had been 32-34 days, but looked through my calendar only to discover that they have all been exactly the same.)
I have been having AF-like cramps for a few days now. They come, and go, come back very lightly, leave again, come back a little stronger, etc. Normally, they come a week or so before AF, and then don't leave or lessen until AF leaves.
My breasts are extremely tender. Normally, before AF, my nipples get quite tender, but this time, it's my entire breast. They are so tender that wearing a bra is a little painful.
I vomited yesterday, many times, and have spent part of the day today trying not to vomit. Luckily, I haven't done that today.
I, unfortunately, don't particularly think that anything will come from these 'symptoms,' but I felt they were worth mentioning anyway. If there is still no sign of AF on Monday (Tuesday if I can hold out) I will be testing, but not before then. I highly suspect that AF will be here at her regularly scheduled time.
I checked on my calender. It will be Cycle #8 on Clomid when I start taking it tonight.
I had another miscarriage on December 2nd, though it wasnít confirmed by a doctor.
I just Ďfeltí pregnant, the same that I did last time. I took a test on the first, didnít see anything instantly, and tossed it under the cabinet. I didnít need to look at it. I had every symptom in the book, except for vomiting. I had all of them.
The next day, I started hurting badly and spotting, which progressed into bleeding heavily with large clots, just like last time. This time, the pain was as bad as the last one, but it didnít last as long, I donít believe. Not long after I started bleeding heavily, all of my symptoms, including my extremely tender breasts, went away, just like last time. Iím not exactly sure how far along I would have been, but it would have been somewhere around 4 weeks.
I have a bad habit of taking HPTís and tossing them aside if they arenít positive immediately. I had two under the cabinet. One I had taken on December 1st, and one I had taken a couple of cycles ago. One of them had a very faint, but noticeable, positive line. I believe this one, due to the position of it under the cabinet, was not the one from this cycle. Was this miscarriage #2 or possibly #3? Iím really not sure.
This one wasnít nearly as bad as the other one, emotionally. A loss is a loss, but I think, as odd as this sounds, it didnít hurt quite as badly since it wasnít confirmed by a doctor. Even though those of us that have had miscarriages easily recognize when we have another, I think, if it isnít confirmed by a doctor, we can try to convince ourselves that it didnít happen. Maybe thatís part of it?
I suppose I could have called my doctor the next morning, since the bleeding started at night, but I donít know what the point would have been. Last time, my HCG was only 14 when the spotting started. If it went down as quickly this time, it would have been back down to pre-pregnancy levels before I even saw the doctor.
I have another appointment with my doctor on the 15th. I will, of course, be letting him know what happened, and maybe we can figure out why itís happening.
I have a progesterone check this cycle, and he wants to do an HSG, ovarian drilling, and laparoscopy on me, so I suppose weíll schedule that. Iím not looking forward to those at all. The idea of them scares me a little, but we do what we have to, donít we?
The up-side is that maybe we can get rid of these painful periods, since they are probably caused by cysts, possibly endometriosis? And maybe, just maybe, weíll get a sticky bean out of all of it.
My doctor now has me on Metformin. I was supposed to start taking it a few cycles ago, but I didn't start until December 1st. DH and I are also on a low-carb/diabetic diet and have both dropped down 1 pants size in about 2 months. I'm hoping that the weight-loss will help me some as well. We'll see.
DH was laid off from his job a few months ago, and due to the lay-off it falls under some sort of displaced worker's act. What that means is that he gets 3 years free of college, and may be able to get various other things such as insurance for us, our electric bills partially paid, and a variety of other things. He is at the college right now taking a placement test and then he will start college in January. He is pretty sure that he is going to be an RN, but it's not set in stone yet. I'm so proud of him. He desperately hated high school, but he's doing this for us. I'm hoping that him going to college will help take his mind off of the TTC/miscarriage business, and I do think it will help some.
My appointment on the 15th didnít go well at all. My doctor, which is my third favorite man in the world next to my husband and father-in-law, really disappointed me and Iím afraid Iíll never feel the same way about him again. Sure, I still like him, I still think heís a great doctor, but his attitude was completely opposite of what it normally is.
When I go for my appointments, he is always so upbeat with a great attitude and various things that we can try, but not this time. It was as if all the hope and happiness in the man had been sucked out and, therefore, sucked out of me.
It was snowing, and sleeting, at the time of my appointment. The windshield wipers had frozen to the windshield and as a result they were useless. DH dropped me off at my appointment, and then ran to get some new ones before the ice/snow got worse and he couldnít see to drive.
So, while Iím getting weighed, the nurse, Brandi, gives me some good news. Iíve lost a total of 20-something pounds since my last visit in September. She then leads me to the little room and I wait for my doctor to come in.
When he does I can see it in his face right then, something is different. He doesnít smile, he isnít cheery, he basically sits down on the stool and looks at my chart with a groan. I donít expect the man to remember me (you wouldnít believe the waiting list there is to get into to see this man) since he has so many patients, but, then again, I am one of only a handful of his patients that is having trouble getting pregnant. (Poor rural area = high fertility rate, but I donít know why.)
ďHave you been pregnant,Ē he asks me, to which I reply, ďYeah, you know I have been.Ē He then asks if it was only the one time and I explain to him about the other miscarriage that I am nearly certain happened, and then another possible one. He doesnít say a word. Nothing. Just stares at my chart as if I havenít spoken. Lovely.
He then turns and looks at me and things unravel like this: We talk about the lap/HSG, which he wants to wait to do until after my appointment in April. We talk about the Clomid/Metformin to which he says something along the lines of how he didnít believe they were going to work for me. He then jumps into a very brief speech which he implies that he doesnít believe Iíll ever have a pregnancy without in vitro. I donít know why he came to this conclusion. Iíve been pregnant once that we know for 100%, and possibly other times, so why wouldnít I be able to get pregnant again? It makes no sense.
He then kind of brushes me off by saying, ďWell, if you arenít pregnant in April, and knowing your record you wonít be, then we can do the lap and the HSG.Ē Thanks for boosting my spirits there, Doc.
So, basically, I am right back where I was before I first saw him in January. He took me off of my Clomid for a few months, which means that not only will I have no chance of ovulating, but I wonít even menstruate. The surgery which I was all geared up for after being completely terrified of it for months, is now going to happen no sooner than May.
I do have another progesterone check on the 23rd, but heís already established that I have a progesterone issue, yet he doesnít seem to want to do anything about it.
I donít know what was wrong with him. He is always so upbeat, helpful, and full of ideas. He had an in-depth conversation with me and DH one day about doing IUIís. What the hell happened to that? Why jump straight to the in-vitro conversation? I realize that he is literally rolling in the dough, but I am not, and in-vitro just is not financially feasible at this point. (Though, after talking to my doctor, DH and I discussed it and might haveÖ.*might*Ö.have found a way that we can do in-vitro once, depending on the price of it around here. I found this extremely hilarious since 6 months ago I would have told you that I would never do in-vitro. Never say never, right?)
I donít know what to do. As Iíve said before, he is a highly coveted doctor around here. There is literally a 6 month waiting list to get into see him if you arenít pregnant. He is constantly having to turn away patients, he does every single one of his own ultrasounds, heís just a hell of a guyÖ..generally.
All I know to do now is wait, and I hate waiting. Iím starting my insurance up before January 1st, and I guess Iíll just wait to have the lap/HSG done in May, though I really donít want to wait. Since Iíve established a time-line of ending TTC in January 2010, the surgery in May only leaves 8 months left. The worst part is that from now till then, 5 months, will be completely wasted.
So, it looks like I am left with a snowballís chance in hell at becoming pregnant before the summer of Ď09. Ugh, infertility sucks.
My progesterone test was a complete waste of time, in my opinion. The times that I know that I've ovulated, it happened on CD 20, so the test on CD 21 was useless.
The results were 1.4 ng/ml which is in the follicular phase (the range is up to 1.4).
I'm planning on calling my doctor (either my ob/gyn or my regular doctor) and seeing if one of them can get me a prescription for another progesterone test, which I will take on CD 27 (December 29th). That should let me know for sure if I ovulated or not, which I highly doubt I did.
If I didn't, I guess I'll try the 100mg of Clomid again, but I really hate to do that. I had terrible mood swings with it and I was so mad all the time. But, if it gets us a sticky bean, then I guess a couple of months of aggravation is worth it.
As most of you know, my mother is very sick and she lives with us. She is getting worse and worse all of the time and requiring much more care. Iíve been up with her all night again. It is 2 in the afternoon right now and I havenít even been able to go to bed yet.
Iím thinking that TTC is over for us, at least for a while. Mom is getting worse and worse and DH is starting college in late January, which means more work for me. All of it is really stressing me out. To make matters worse, Iíve been having a lot of heart palpitations and various other odd feelings around the area of my heart (tightness, sharp feelings, etc.). Iíll have to go get that checked out after my insurance starts in a few days.
Taking a cue from Stephanie, I think I would like to focus on continuing to lose weight, and getting myself healthier before TTC again. Iíve lost over 20 pounds in a few months, and would like to lose more than that before going at it again.
I tried to stop TTC a few months ago, and I was absent from the boards for a while (for the most part), but choosing to stop trying for something you want so badly, even for a while, is the hardest decision to make. So, I came back, but, as I said, things with my mother have taken a turn for the worse lately.
I continued to take the Clomid the last time we Ďstoppedí but we didnít worry about timing, OPKís, progesterone tests, or any of the other things that have become such a huge part of everyone on this boardís lives. This time though, I am off of the Clomid for a while, per doctorís orders, and plan on keeping it that way until we decide to TTC again. I also stopped taking the Metformin weeks back, due to some very unpleasant things that may or may not have been related to the Metformin (horrible hemorrhoids that refuse to go away, another thing to get checked out, as well as some very odd feelings in my kidneys.) Itís better to be safe than sorry, right?
My plans are to continue to lose weight (Iím setting a goal of 30 pounds), become healthier overall, and to get a few (hopefully minor) things checked out with my doctor before continuing TTC. Iím giving myself 6 months, and hoping that in July I will have all of that accomplished, and I can go in for my laparoscopy and start things going again. Of course, that, unfortunately, will all depend on my motherís condition at that point. I guess if nothing else, in 6 months, I will be healthier, right? Thatís always good.
Iím hoping that losing more weight and getting healthier will give us a surprise (sticky) Bean and then I wonít have to contemplate and stress out over whether we should or not. Weíll have no choice then!
If you ladies donít mind, I would like to still hang around the board some. Itís entirely up to you all, though. Just let me know if thatís okay with you.
I do have one question for you ladies that I am going to ask my doctor about, but I wanted your opinion as well: Before I started on the Clomid, I did not have a period regularly at all. I may have gone 3 months, or I may have gone a year, and not had one. The very short time I was on BCP years ago to try and Ďregulate my cycleí I had a period every month. I feel absolutely terrible when I go for months and months without a period. My abdomen swells and I have horrible mood swings.
Do you all think I should go on BCP until we start TTC again? Iím a little worried since Iíve heard so many times that it takes a while for the BCP to get out of your system and everything to get back to normal. Obviously, Iím not normal as it is, but with the weight loss etc. I might could get that way and I donít want the BCP to interfere when we start TTC again, KWIM? But, then again, I donít want to go the entire 6 months without a period again. I would only take it until July, whether we decide to officially TTC again or not. So, what would you do if you were me??
So, that's what is going on with me. I am waiting out the rest of my last Clomid cycle for months (I'm on CD 28 of a 32 day cycle). After that, no more Clomid, no more BDing at proper times, nothing until at least July.
It was an extremely difficult decision, but one which needed to be made. It feels very odd for me to say that I am rather at peace with the decision, at least as much as I can be. It's almost a relief, believe it or not, to not be trying for a while. TTC just gets to be so much of a strain on a person, and it will be nice to take a break from it for a while.
Besides, DH is starting college in about 3 weeks. That means if we post-pone the laparoscopy until July, then he won't have to miss any school because he'll be off for summer break.
I'm still not certain if I will get on BCP or not. I hate the idea of not having a period, and I also hate the idea that I [could, however unlikely, become pregnant when it wouldn't be the most opportune time. Then again, I hate the idea that BCP could make things worse for us, and also that we could, in theory, be preventing something we want so much. Ah, there's never a perfect solution, is there?
Iím on CD34. AF is two days late, something that never happens as long as I am on the Clomid. I sent DH to get some FRERís and I tested with FMU that I had kept in the refrigerator. Stark-white BFN.
I am having some symptoms that I will outline here. The ones in blue are things that also happen before AF:
<div align="center">AF is two days late.
I am waking up in the middle of the night to pee. Something I only did while pregnant.
My cramps are much less than they always are before AF. This is more like twinges and bubbles mixed with a hint of cramping at times instead of the very heavy, painful cramping I normally have. There is also a bit of a Ďpullingí feeling, I suppose would be the right word. Not painful at all, justÖdifferent.
My stomach has been churning a little bit.
My lower back is aching.
I have taken a 2-3 hour nap every single day for the past 5 days and still slept about 10 hours every night.
I had tons and tons of very stretchy CM yesterday and earlier today. Normally before AF I have very lotion-like CM, which it has now changed too. But there is a lot of it!
My pants are much tighter than normal.
My breasts seem to be less sore than normal, which is really odd to me, but my nipples are extremely hard through-out the day. </div>
I have no idea what is going on. I am never late on the Clomid. The bleeding always starts on CD 31 or 32 even if it is just spotting for a half a day to a day before AF kicks in, but when I was pregnant I tested positive on CD 34 so wouldn't I test positive by today? So, I just don't know anything. I'll just have to wait it out, I guess.