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Hey all, I stop in almost every day but don't really log in, I figured I'd post an update for those of you wondering since Tabby brought it to my attention that there are people thinking of me (I tend to think no one does ). I think last time I posted was right after DH went into trucking and my little sis found out she was pregnant. Things have been very downhill since then emotionally. DH is doing great on the job, but we have been apart almost 2 months now (before the longest was 2 nights). It is really wearing on both of us like crazy, I haven't slept more than 2 hours at a time since he left. I am staying with my mom and dad right now (we decided to let go of our apartment, only being home like twice a month isn't worth the rent) and my sister is moving back in. (I have two sisters, one already lived here and the pg one is the one moving back.) It is by far the lowest I've been in awhile. Only two good friends of ours and you ladies know we are TTC, which makes it so much harder to be hiding these feelings from my family. Now that she is moving back in I am constantly around her, wondering why it isn't DH and I. Today I woke up to a text from her of the baby's heartbeat. She is at the docs right now finding out the sex and probably coming home with a picture. I feel so horrible that I want to shut her out. I have really tried to be around her and to be happy for her but I just can't. She is in no means ready for a baby, this child is pretty much going to be a fourth for my dad money wise. I have been so very depressed about it, I tried to talk to DH about it last night (well really I just had him read what I've been writing, things come easier for me like that) and I just make him feel bad. There is the heartache of not being able to get pg, and all that, you ladies know that feeling, but also when I think about it I get afraid that he will leave me because if we can't have kids it is most likely me (he has a daughter). I feel like he'll resent me eventually, or want a family more than me. He says he won't, I believe him but I'm terrified that when the day comes he will feel differently. He get's upset thinking he says or does something that gives me this fear, which makes me more upset that I upset him. It's a never ending circle really and I'm not sure how to even begin to pull out of it.
I am so sorry that you are in so much pain right now, hon. My DH and I have been trying for nine years and even though we've learned the cause lies with both of us, there is so much guilt that comes with this journey, it's suffocating. My little sister (who's 27, not so little anymore) is having her first any day now. She was married for less than a year and she definitely was not trying when it happened. In the past 9 months, I've talked to her about this baby at least 3 times a week. I've gone shopping with her. I've thrown her a baby shower. I helped her decorate her nursery. I put together most of the furniture for said nursery (my DH took care of the crib). It's been all about her, all about her baby, all of the time. And it hurts. I mean, on a soul-deep level, a pain I can't block or outrun or control. But I've decided, be that as it may, she doesn't have to know about it. Maybe she can tell but I am doing my best to hide it from her. Some days are much better than others. And when she leaves or we hang up the phone, I sob like a little girl. Or I throw things and swear. Whatever works.
I know it's hard. I wish I could say something to make your heart ache less but this is all I've got: you are not evil to feel the way you do; your fears and feelings are 'normal' for us and ONE DAY YOU WILL GET YOURS. In the meantime, feel free to PM me any time you need to vent.
Jessa, married to Blake these past fourteen years. Beginning the adoption process.
Tabitha & Ryan; Married on Saturday, April 17, 2004 -TTC #1 for 7.5 years. Missing our Angels...
Dx with PCOS at age 14.
Miscarriage in June 2006
2 cycles of Clomid 50mg
1 cycle of Clomid 100mg resulting in miscarriage
Dx with Adenomyosis on 1/28/10
Clomid 150mg 4/30(day 3) - 5/4(day 5) Ultrasound on May 10th.
5/10 - Ultrasound showed 2 perfect follies! (15mm&17mm) Ovulation predicted within 6 days! Progesterone check ordered for 5/20.
5/27 - New round of Clomid started, no ultrasound this cycle, 2 more cycles planned on our own. If no bfp, onto next step!
6/27 - Round 3 Clomid 150mg started.
7/25 - AF Showed, starting final round of Clomid 150mg on CD3
8/21- AF Showed, In the process of finding a new RE
*Waiting to see our new RE
Hey Girls just wanted to stop by and say thanks for the support. <3 Also didn't want you all to think I'm posting and disappearing, I am going camping with the family tomorrow for the weekend. Here's hoping to coming back to a board of BFP's.
I'm so sorry that things are so tough for you right now. I was reading your post, and my heart just started aching, because it was like reading my life story. I know how much I heart, and knowing that someone else feels the same...well, let's just say I'm with ya. MY SIL had her 3rd a week ago. She didn't need 1, much less a 3rd. I had to hear about it every time I talked to her, which I made sure was a minimum, and not just because of pg. reasons. On the day the baby was born, was the day AF came to town, so you can imagine I was soooo not wanting to "share her joy", or rather lack thereof. TTC is hard, and sometimes it absolutely sucks!! Don't worry that your DH will leave you. You can't think like that. I don't think he will leave something he has (You), for something he MIGHT be able to get (children). I hope you have fun camping this weekend, and I hope it helps to releave some of your stress. If you need a shoulder, or need to vent some cursing , PM me.