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OK, Iíve been thinking of doing a TTC journal for months now. But I never got round to it. Mostly because I kept hoping I would be preggo at the end of each cycle and a TTC journal would be pointless. But we are now coming the end of what I believe is cycle 23 and Iím 100% there wonít be a BFP at the end if it. In fact, Iím not sure itís cycle 23, thatís just a guess, Iíve lost count now.
Well, thereís two years of catching up to do, so Iíll do it in bits. Maybe this will be cathartic and hopefully make me feel better. Weíll see.
Itís not really for anyone to read, I donít mean in that what Iíll be posting is private, just itíll be boring for the reader to read!
Just more for my own sanity, I think thereís only for many times you can post a big long rant about having ANOTHER cycle that has failed and you are sobbing your eyes out because you feel useless as a human being. Thereís nothing anyone can say to make you feel better about it. Itís just the way things are and thereís nothing that can be done about it. Kinda becomes same old news after a while I suppose!
SoÖI guess Iíll start from the beginning of us starting TTC, it not happening, getting tested, all the way to where we are nowÖwaiting for one go of ICSI next year on the NHS. After that, if it fails, I dunno. Iím terrified at the idea of it failing. We are saving to have a few private goes, but there are no guarantees. I feel like Iím staring into a childless future
EDIT: By all means, if you've got this far and aren't bored to tears, feel free to comment! But, i'm not expecting anyone too, everyone will be asleep by the time they reach the end!!!
Last edited by *KittyCat*; May 27th, 2010 at 05:03 AM.
So, lets start at the beginning. Thankfully I can remember dates and stuff I marked everything down in my diary. So month by month, this should be a fairly accurate time line.
We started TTC in April 2008. I came off the BCP and of course we were filled with the usual excitement that Iíd be pregnant by Christmas. I started buying a few baby clothes, for the inevitable baby we would have very soon. Nothing happened. Itís ok, I told myself, sometimes it takes a few months for the pill to get out of your system.
July 2008Ė Three months later - nothing.
Oct 2008Ė Six months ĖI start to worry something is wrong. I buy OPKs, make sure we are doing plenty of BD at the right time. Still nothing. People start announcing their unexpected, unplanned pregnancies. I start feeling a twinge of jealously. Still nothing. I got to the docs and get told to relax and have more sex.
Jan 2009Ė Nine months ĖI imagine that if Iíd of got pregnant at the start, weíd have our baby by now. Really start worrying that something is wrong. Go back to the docs, explain the concerns I have with both our medical histories that could affect ours chances. Nothing.
April 2009Ė Twelve months ĖA sad anniversary. 85% of couples have gotten pregnant by now. We are 15 % of people that have failed to conceive. More pregnancies announced here there and everywhere. It really starts to hurt.
We go to the docs after much pushing from me. Primary tests show that Iím ok, FSH on the high side of normal, but Iím assured everything is ok.
DH SA show low everything Docs believe itís due to his getting mumps in adulthood. Despite me bringing this up six months ago at the docs, nothing was done until now. Weíre both gutted. We are referred to our local fertility unit.
We make some changes to our lifestyle. DH stops smoking, cuts down drinking and starts taking a combination of multivitamins.
Oct 2009 - 18 months - and we get our appointment for the hospital though. Second SA shows improvement of 3 million in overall count and 10% increase in motility
Nov 2009 Ė 19 months Ė Transvaginal scan reveal I have polycystic ovaries. I break down in tears at the hospital. They assure me itís not making a huge difference to my fertility, as they stress I have polycystic ovaries, NOT polycystic ovary syndrome. The difference is that I just have multiple ovarian cysts. I do not suffer from lack of or irregular periods, excess hair, or any other symptoms associated with PCOS. Regardless, it still feels like another huge blow. Docs advise us despite the increase on the second SA, itís still low and weíll be looking at IVF with ICSI. One go on the NHS after that we have to pay ourselves.
Docs put me on clomid, docs say it may make me more fertile, giving DHís swimmers more target eggs, so to speak.
Nov 2009 Ė 1st month Clomid fails, get lots of night sweats as a side effect.
Dec 2009 - Ė 2nd month Clomid fails Ė DH getting stressed at having to perform at certain times, regardless of being in the mood. Things are strained.
Jan 2010- 21 months Ė Guess what? 3rd month of Clomid fails. We go back to the hospital to discuss our options. Another three months of Clomid, or go on the NHS waiting list for ICSI. We choose the waiting list. Itís 18 months, weíll reach the top at the end of July 2011. It feels like itís an eternity away. They assure us, it will be less than that, as people above us will inevitably get preggo and bump us up the list.
The doc at this appointment show concern that my FSH levels were at 9.5 on the last blood tests. The previous doc, said although they were on the high side of normal, everything was fine. This doc shows concern about my ovarian reserve and tells me I probably only have 5-10 years of fertility left. Once again, I break down in tears at the hospital (I bet it happens all the time there though! ) She orders another blood test.
I realise that if weíd have got preggo at the beginning of all this, our ďbabyĒ would be one year old this month.
March 2010 Ė 23 monthsĖ I have another day 3 blood test for FSH levels to confirm levels.
In happier none TTC news, we get married
April 2010 Ė 24 months!!! We are now in the 5% of couples who have failed to conceive in two years. 95% of couples have managed to conceive by now. Iím devastated. Every birth and pregnancy announcement feels like a knife though my heart.
I phone up for my blood test results. The nurse I speak to on the phone asks what my previous results were, when I tell her 9.5, she almost laughs. I can remember what she said ďThatís not high!! 25 is high, youíve nothing to worry about, everything is fineĒ
Getting married has suddenly made people very interested in when weíll be starting a family. I grin and bear it as best I can, but inside I feel like Iím dying inside a little more, every time someone asks. I end up taking some time off work because I canít control my tears. I feel like everyone knows we cannot conceive.
Things get so bad, I make an appointment with the fertility counsellor in late April. It helps, but the feelings will always come back. She tells me Iím being to negative, focusing on the ICSI 70% failure rate rather than the 30% success rate. Itís true. Iíve given up on it working. We are saving hard. But Iíve given up. I start googling ďaccepting childlessnessĒ
May 2010 - 25 months Ė This brings us about up to the present. Sometimes I feel like things will be ok. That one way or another weíll have a baby. And I feel hopeful. Other times, I feel like weíll never have a child, biological or adopted. And sometimes I can accept that. I can have a happy life without children, I think of the pixar film ďUpĒ. (if youíve seen it youíll know what I mean) If youíve not seen it, watch it, itís fab and youíll cry. Other times, I think I couldnít bear it if we didnít have children. I wonder what the point of anything is. Itís not the be all and end all of everything. But sometimes I feel the weight of this will crush me. Then I remember, I have a wonderful husband who is going through this with me. He feels everything that Iím feeling, perhaps even worse. And I remember, we didnít decide to become an item because we wanted children. We got married because we love each other. And that will remain regardless of whether our future has children in it or not.
In my darker days, I have to try and remember that we are really at the beginning of our TTC journey. Not the end. We still have options. We have yet to have our NHS go of IVF. We can save. We can have a private go. We can keep trying. Itís not the end of everything. We are really only at the beginning.
been getting a lot of cramp today, sure AF will show tomorrow or the day after. Was sure she would anyway. Not feeling too bad this month, think it's because i knew our timing had been poor, so wasn't at all expecting to be in with a chance. So, once again, on to the next cycle
well, on tuesday, AF came. TMI coming up, sorry! Bit confused as not sure whether to class it as very heavy spotting, or very light flow. But, it was like that for two days, then today, it's really really heavy, heaviest i can remember. It's a bit weird this month. Normally get light spotting, then light-med flow. This month has been heavy spotting/light flow followed by REALLY heavy flow.
Iíve said this many times before, but once again, Iím thinking of taking a break from TTC. When we went on the IVF waiting list in January I told myself I was going to stop actively trying, just stop stressing about it and just go into a ďnot trying, not preventingĒ phase, because everything was getting too upsetting. Every month, am I pregnant? I am pregnant? Am I pregnant? ÖÖ..no, Iím not pregnant. Itís breaking my heart a little more every month. I said I wasnít going to do it anymore.
But, I canít help it. I tried. But, once you know what your fertile signs are, you notice them whether you want to or not. And sure as day turns to night, as soon as I spotted my fertile signs, Iíd want to get as much BD in as possible, Just in case we got lucky. Itís never worked. But, every time I know Iím fertile, I get so upset if DH isnít in the mood, I feel itís another wasted month. Even though I said I didnít want to try anymore because I was getting too upset.
Every month, thereís still a part of you that says you should still be actively trying, because if youíre not, youíve got no chance at all, even if it is a slim one.
Iíve done it again this month. Iíve had fertile CM for the past few days, and a +OPK last night. DH wasnít up for BD last night because of tooth ache and dentist stress. Technically, weíve still DTD in the window, we have a chance, but I feel itís another wasted month.
And so Iím questioning once again, why am I doing this? Aside from making me feel like crap every time DH isnít in the mood and I am. Sometimes Iím not in the mood either, but I know Iím fertile, so I feel as if I have to make the effort because thereís no chance otherwise. Realistically, theyíve really told us thereís no chance of it happening for us naturally. But of course, you always here stories of people who were told theyíd never have children naturally, and bam! It happens for them. I want to be one of those people.
So, here I am, once again, due to ovulate now or in 24 hours ish time. Wondering if weíve done enough. Wondering if after 26 months, this will finally be our month. I doubt it, but maybe Iíd feel more confident if weíd BD more. Last night would have been perfect. But DH HATES the dentist, and was stressing all last night about going, not the best scenario for having a romantic night in. Doubt Iím in with any more of a chance tonight either, if heís having his teeth drilled and filled, heís not really going to be in the BD frame of mind tonight.
SoÖ.iím thinking another chance this month gone, and Iím pretty sure Iíve not even Oíd yet. Thatís tragic. Whatís even more tragic is Iíve said so many times Iím going to stop doing this, stop working myself up about this every month.
Thereís part of me that wishes I didnít know when I was fertile, at least then I wouldnít be watching the signs and automatically go into baby making mode when that happens.
Iím getting fed up. Iíve been fed up for a long time. I was talking to my mum the other night, if Iíd have got preggo when we started TTC, our ďbabyĒ would be about 17 months old now. I canít imagine that. I canít even imagine being pregnant anymore. I canít imagine any of it.
Itís so hard when you are making an effort to do all these things to optimise your fertility and ensure you are doing everything you can to make sure it happens, even if the chances are remote. But itís a two way thing. You can be the most fertile woman in the world, if you arenít BD at the right time, youíre never going to get preggo.
you know when you start TTC, you discuss names that you'd like? Slowly but surely, every single one of them is being taken by aquiantances or work collegues. I feel like they are now "out of bounds" If we ever get to have kids, and we call them by the names we'd picked TWO AND A HALF YEARS AGO people would think we were copying their choices.
I'm so irritated. Of course people can name their kids what they want, names aren't copyrighted! But, i get annoyed that we've picked them so long ago and not been able to use them yet. Other people who have gotten preggo an age after we started TTC, often accidentally and yet i feel like we can no longer have those names.
All Iím going to say is hahahahahahahahahaha, I KNEW it. The past two weeks, ďIím not doing it anymore, Iím not doing it anymore, Iím not trying anymoreĒ blah blah blah blah.
I started spotting today, and went to my chart to update, and noticed, no wonder really we didnít have a chance, we DTD 2 days before my +ive OPK and given you can O 24-36 hours after this, no wonder I knew I was out.
But even without realising it, I start. ďWell, next month I canÖÖ.Ē NO. Not any more. No more. Even now thereís the voice in the back of my head, ďnext month try thisÖ.Ē NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. No.
I said Iím not going to drive myself crazy doing this anymore, and I still want to stick to that. But, from the looks of things, Iím probably going to drive myself crazy trying not to!! Iím not even onto the cycle Iím not supposed to be trying on and Iím already calculating a BD schedule!
Iím not doing it anymore. (I donít know who Iím trying to convince of this BTW!)
Even if itís just a month or two off, itíll be so nice not feeling the pressure. But itís like an automatic switch, when you know youíre fertile you go into baby making mode. Itís not nice anymore. I donít want to stress and upset of keeping trying now. But, at the same time, am I going to be stressed and upset because I know weíre not trying when Iím in my fertile bit.
There is a huge part of me that just wants to accept itís not going to happen naturally for us, stop TTC, and wait for the IVF. Just accept it and move on. Iíll be happier. But I canít, every month the same old feelings, we have to grab the chance, even if itís a statistically irrelevant chance. Because everyone knows someone who were told theyíd never have children naturally and then unexpectedlyÖÖwell, we all know how this story ends.