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Ugh. So ever since we found out that DH has severely low sperm count back in June, I have basically had no hope that I will get pregnant again. I allow myself a *little* hope that the varicocele surgery he had in September will work, but it takes at least 3 months for that to work and for new sperm to form so I had like zilch hope of getting pregnant before December at the very earilest. We've still been half-heartedly casually TTC and BDing when I'm fertile, but neither I nor DH expect anything out of it. I haven't even been sad when AF showed up for months. I mean overall, I'm sad every.single.day. that I'm not pregnant and probably never will be again, but AF showing up doesn't really make me any sadder than I am on any other day, ya know? I totally expect her to come. No big deal. It's been alot easier not having any hope, and getting a way from the month-to-month disappointment of finding out I'm not pregnant. I just assume I'm not pregnant and go on my way.
So WHY did this have to happen!? On Sunday, which was 7DPO for me, I had a tiny bit of reddish brown spotting in my underwear, a little smaller than the size of a dime. I am not a spotter. I do not spot. Never. There was only that one time and nothing else. I'm now 10DPO. I KNOW I'm not pregnant. I feel exactly like I always do at this point in my cycle. I always have this weird sciatic pain before AF and I have that. I'm just so mad that I had that stupid spotting b/c it did give me hope for maybe half a day. So now when AF shows I am going to be really sad, after months of her showing up not really even bothering me
Honestly, I don't have low progesterone so the only possible explanation for that spotting that I can come up with is implantation spotting, but I KNOW I'm not pregnant. I never am and I really feel like AF is going to show in a few days. I'm just so upset that this had to happen. The last thing I need is false hope. If I'm not pregnant I don't want to have even the slightest inkling of hope that I could be. DH and I are moving towards adoption and I just don't need this stupid false hope if nothing is ever going to happen
I have gone thru that before, it is horrible how our bodies "trick" us! For myself, as much as I tell myself I am not I still have that glimmer of hope in the back of my head that I might be! Hang in there! Thinking of you!