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A year ago, I was worried that we would conceive too quickly and we wouldn't be ready. Well here we are 12 painful months later with nothing to show for it. My cycles have been consistent and my ob-gyn doesn't seem concerned that we haven't conceived yet, but I am dying inside. I just want to scream and cry. I am 26 and feel like everyone around me is pregnant or just had a baby. I feel like TTC is so out of my control and I worry that it will never happen. I got pregnant when I was 17 and had an abortion and I have been punishing myself for it ever since. I am insanely jealous of anyone who is pregnant. It breaks my heart to see a woman with a big round belly or carrying an infant. I just want to be a mother so badly. And more than that, I want to give my husband a baby. My husband is wonderful and very supportive, but he doesn't have a clue about how I feel or what a toll this is taking on me. I am overweight and have lost 15 pounds so far with Weight Watchers. I've also started taking vitamins and supplements to balance out my minerals and hormones. I am nervous about seeking fertility counseling. I pray (more like beg) every night and I am trying so hard to put my faith and God and try to let go, but I just can't. I can't forget the knowledge I've gained by studying up on TTC. I'm always thinking about my cycle.
In October I took two pregnancy tests. One was faintly positive and one was clearly positive (I checked with friends who agreed). So I call my ob-gyn and set up an appointment. I tell the receptionist that I'm nervous about not really being pregnant. She assures me the modern tests are uber-sensitive and there would be no positive line if I wasn't truly pregnant. So the morning of my intake appointment I use the bathroom and discover blood. I start crying, wailing "Please no, please no." I high-tail it to the ob-gyn's and wait a painful hour and a half for the results of a blood test. In the meantime I go through the whole intake process, answering questions about my maybe baby to be. You can guess what happened. I was never pregnant. The tests were somehow defective and the bleeding was just my normal period, for whatever reason coming a week and a half late. That was when I hit rock bottom.
Now I feel like I'm just getting by. I feel like I can focus on nothing else. I almost left work early yesterday after seeing a friend's announcement and sonogram picture on Facebook. I feel like my inability to conceive is taking over my entire life and stripping the joy out of everything. I pray that none of my close friends get pregnant before I do, which is horrible, but I just don't think I could handle it. I worry that I'm going to wind up going into psychosis before I finally conceive because this is just driving me crazy! It's all I can think about, and I have no one to talk to about it. Feeling very alone, although I know we're all in the same boat.
I'm so sorry about all you are going through.
The FIRST thing I will say, is to STOP being so very hard on yourself. You had your reasons for your choices when you were younger and that is the past.
Also, if you keep resenting and blaming yourself for not giving your husband a baby it will terribly hurt your relationship. I only know because it almost destroyed my marriage. I'm hoping that your husband isn't blaming you. It's VERY important when you are dealing with infertility that is one partner's problem (and it sounds like you don't even know that it's you!) that you both approach it as a joint problem. Not as one person's.
It sounds like you could really benefit from some counseling or a therapist. Infertility is an emotionally stressful, very hard to deal with, medical condition. Most people along the road find a place where they need some help and support to get through, and there is nothing wrong with it. The fact that you are feeling like it drains the happiness out of everything, screams to me that you really need this. Please do it. It WILL help you. I not only do counseling, I am on an antidepressant to help me deal with anxiety and depression (I'm not saying anyone else would need it, I have a depressive disorder that has lived with me since I was a teen), and I think without these, I would not have made it through the last few years.
I'm surprised that your ob/gyn hasn't wanted to do any testing at all now that it's been a year. That is the normal amount of time where you would get some testing done and start to see about things that could be wrong. Have you told your dr frankly how you feel and told them you want testing to be done?
An ob can do a bunch of tests for you, like blood testing, an hsg, and they can also usually order a semen analysis for hubby too. Just to check on everything. It would be better to know sooner than later if you do have an issue.
If your dr refuses, honestly, I would see another for a second opinion.
Do you chart and have normal cycles? Or have you been just kind of timing as best you can?
Big hugs and good luck!
I hope you'll keep hanging around for the support AND to keep us updated.
I hope you get pregnant so so fast that you don't even have time to ask for tests!!!
Oh, I'm so sorry you're feeling so discouraged right now. I know it's hard to to wait when you're ready to have a baby-especially if you see it happening quickly for friends and family. But, don't give up hope. I know so many friends and family members who took a while to get pregnant-but it did happen for them. And, I know it was key for them to find ways not to stress out about the timeline and worry about the "what ifs". Easier said than done I know! But, I will definitely be praying for you and your husband during this time and asking that you'll soon be able to bring a new little into your family!
Thank you for your kind words! I have been seeing a therapist for a few months now and that is certainly helping. I've just started taking holistic supplements for fertility and to correct mineral imbalances. I think tomorrow I'm going to make an appointment with my ob-gyn to start the process of fertility counseling. I'm nervous, but I think I'll feel better knowing that I'm taking a proactive approach.