[Mommy2Dakota]

I wrote this early this morning. Was tempted to delete later but as we got this board up I decided to move it here.

"Well, I've been a total mess since the docs and then I found out another 'friend' is 10wks pregs and I just have the double whammy of feeling like I am not going to concieve for another year yet and watching someone else have yet another baby!

But worse...do you remember when I said that low progesterone can cause bad pms and depression? Well maybe thats why I am at breaking point but I am scared of my temper right now! I can't stop crying, having thoughts of wanting to die and feel like such a bad mother that I don't know what will happen even if I DO have another child cos by that time I think I might be already pushed over the edge!

I just woke at like 4am and couldn't sleep with these thoughts in my head when D started to cry and I just snapped and started punching the bed and throwing a pillow around. She was scared but a bit later was cuddling me as I was crying. Just feel such a mess...I'm sorry to off load here. I'm wondering whether to go back to the docs and ask for anti-depressants but I bet they limit conception chances or something?

One thing with this 'friend' who's pregs....I was becoming friends with this lady called Tracy about 2yrs ago. Anyhoo, we were getting closer but then she made friends with THIS woman (Katy). But instead of us all becoming friends I slowly got pushed out. Katy has one daughter a few months older than D and has been trying for a baby for 2yrs as well, so you'd think we'd get on? I tried to help her with advice etc but no. We say hello when we see eachother but thats it. But her and Tracy do everything together. Everyone would tell her (Katy) to relax etc to get pregs and I just feel that Tracy helped her do that by taking her out all the time and being with her. But me? I have no friends outside of work whatsoever. I really want to take my mind off of trying to concieve but I have no life. I started my diet tuesday and was gonna take up swimming as I said...but its all on my own and so my head just goes round in circles thinking about this stuff.

Everyone I get on with seems to be American and online! I think I live in the wrong country eh? But british people? I just don't know whats wrong with me cos friendships come and go. The last best friend I had - here, uk - was 11yrs ago but we broke contact cos she didn't like my then-boyfriend hub.

Oh and all this stress? My temps are not indicating ovulation so I think I've messed that up too!"

And Stef's reply:
" I am so sorry that you are going through this right now Jo. If you are concerned about your temper or having thoughts of wanting to die, I would really encourage you to talk to someone and maybe get some medicine. Honestly though, diet and exercise may help too. I really hope you don't mind me saying this. I really am saying this out of genuine concern, but I know you are planning on using the milkshakes for your diet. The thing is, when people lose weight that way, they almost always put it back on. The best thing to do is to eat healtier and more often. I know that it almos seems backwards, but by eating frequent small meals and snacks (like 6 times a day....breakfast,snack, lunch, snack, dinner, snack) you speed up your metabolism. It helps you to lose weight much faster, and because you are changing your lifestyle.... not just dieting, you are more likely to keep the weight off.

Something else you might want to think about.... you might check in the church you have been attending. Many times churches offer counseling to it's members free or very low cost. Just having someone to talk to about your feelings may help. Also, writing in a journal helps me deal with things alot.

I hope that things turn around for you soon. If you need to talk, just let me know."

Hey Stef. I'm feeling a little more in control now. Just, I cried loads yesterday and had hoped that was it out my system! But obviously not. Was frustrated when I woke at 4am cos my temp was low but I couldn't be sure if it was cos it was early and then when I tried to go back to sleep everything was going round my head again and I was getting hot sweats!
When hub came home we talked about it all, yet again. Really, there isn't any answers which is why I feel so trapped.
I'm not sure if I'm also reacting to suddenly cutting my chocolate and sugar fixes cos of my diet?
I know that eating 'healthy' would be better than milkshakes but I really dislike breakfast foods so having a milkshake is quick an easy and I don't have to think about it. And I don't like 90% of vegetables so picking healthy meals is a chore. I've often thought about applying to go on one of those programmes that look at fussy eating people! I'd love to know what they'd do with me! But I don't like the idea of camera's around the home you know! If I could afford it I'd get a nutritionist to work out a meal plan for me - again, I'd love to see what they'd make of me saying what I can't eat!
I say 'can't' cos I do get a mental block at eating certain foods! I was quite ill as a child and my mum and a neighbour would try to force feed me. I have this image of how I would have my teeth closed and they would squish food against them trying to force it in my mouth.
Later on my mum kinda left us (my sis and I) to our own devices and, my sis being only 12 (me 10), could only really cook oven chips (fries, as you call them!)so we had chips every day near enough. My mum worked full time then. She'd come home, shout at us that we hadn't done all the house chores so would storm off to bed without cooking for us.

Both my mum and sis have had anti-depressant medication but I always prided myself on not doing so, even though I have had depression and low points alot throughout my life. I went through a stage of cutting myself too...(as did my sis). Although she had good reason, having been raped (unbeknown to us until like last year).

Anyhoo, sorry to go on with my woes! We're all in the same boat here and others are told they can't have children at all. I just feel I have nowhere to go for help! The docs are not helping with my infertility. They act so bright and cheery saying 'hey, you got age on your side!' like if I had to wait 5yrs to get pregs isn't an issue...if I'm like this after 2 and a half years I can't begin to fathom how a couple more will bring me down!

[MountainMomma]

I'm really not sure how things work in the UK, but can you see a different doctor and get another opinion? It doesn't sound like your doctor is being at all helpful and no one should have to struggle for this long without getting some help.

[BornAgainRenee]

Hey Girl, Im gonna have to agree with Stephanie on the Doc thing. You need a new dr. Someone who will take you seriously. 2 1/2 years should be plenty of trying time to get you pg. Either that or call your Dr. and tell them that you want a consultation appt. with your Dr. Go and tell them just what you are feeling. Tell them that they may think age is on your side but that you want to do whatever you need to do to make it sooner then later, and then be honest and tell them that you don't feel like they are taking you seriously.
I know for me a lot of times I have all these thoughts and feelings about what I want to accomplish at the Dr. then I go and just nod my head yes in agreement with the Dr. when I may not agree with him. This last appt. I came out right and said Hey this is what I want, and this is what I want you to do. I listened but so did he, and right now we have a plan. But it took me coming out of my shell to do it.

As far as the depression goes, I think that maybe you need to find a counselor that wont push meds on you since you pride yourself in not being on them.

Friendships are a big thing. Unfortunately in the times that we live its so much easier to find people online that we get along with then people in person. I know exactly what you mean too, I don't have any friends in real life, or I guess close friends. But really what matters most isn't whether you are going out or whether they are friends with others, its how you relate to them. I have found that having online friends, makes my friendship with them more private, and when I need someone they are almost always there for me.

Im praying that you ov just fine and that there are not any issues. Stress is not a good thing and even worse when it affects your cycles.

[Mommy2Dakota]

I'm afraid the doc system is quite different here. Basically you have to register and go to a clinic near you. Therefore I can see a different doc within the same clinic but not go to a different one. I've seen three lady docs at this clinic. The first was a temp and didn't even think getting a period 7 days after ovulating should effect getting pregnant. The second, I told you about, didn't want to give me progesterone (but did) and said to come back in 6mths. The third, was Monday. She basically agreed with doc no2 but thought 'going natural' until the 6mths is up better. The second doc I told about my depression and that but she didn't suggest anything. Just said that its not good to be stressed whilst ttc (duh). When I was cutting myself, and D was only about 6mths old or so, I told the health visitors (and broke down crying) and they sent me down stairs to the docs (same clinic) and yet again nothing came from it. The doc said she was too busy to talk to me properly (as they squeezed me in to see her) but she'd call me. By the time the next day came and she called me she just said 'are you OK' and I just said 'yeah' cos I felt silly breaking down crying etc and that was that. I always think, heaven forbid, but for all THEY know I could have got suicidal or harmed D so I think it appalling they never checked up on me!

I'd love to talk to a counselor. I have wanted to on and off for years..but again its different in this country. I don't know where or how you find one and then I doubt we could afford it!

Anyhoo, sorry for all this. Stef: Your right about keeping a diary. I have done in the past, maybe I should again.

[MarieJ]

((HUGS)) I hope that you're feeling a bit better. I've had both primary and secondary infertility, its very stressful, and very depressing. I think journalling, talk therapy, and anti depressants could be a big help to you. Also, remember to be gentle with yourself. I know I have felt very guilty about not being able to provide my son a sibling, and I beat myself up over that for a long time.

I hope you find a doctor who is willing to work with you, and not against you. ((hugs))

[Mommy2Dakota]

Thanks Marie. I do feel OK now.
It took a long while to concieve Dakota for me too and I was stressed and upset...but in a funny way it was easier (eventually) because when I got to a point of saying to myself 'OK, we're never gonna have kids' I could put ttc out of my mind fully....and dadaaa...it happened! I was 7wks before I even took a test and I only did that cos I wanted to drink alcohol and thought if I tested bfn I could go wild (as I had been moderate with drink for so long!).

But now, having Dakota, makes it impossible to just say 'Ok this is it' and 'forget' again about ttc. Everywhere I go with her I see other mothers with lots of kids (school, playgroups) or pregnant. And your right...I keep calculating the age gap and feeling sad because its getting bigger and bigger! I keep thinking if she's like 5, 6, 7 when we have another what will she have in common with baby no2? Me and my sis are only a year and a bit apart and so I have memories of us playing together growing up (well, and fighting, lol).

But, I don't know, I feel like it won't happen until I get myself into that phase of mind like before...but to do so I have to accept having only one child ever and then that depressed me.

Although I know I should just count myself blessed to have one!