[Mommy2Dakota]

So, prob talking to myself as nobody is around here but I'm so down this morning.

Thanks to taking progresterone I am 13dpo today but after squinting at the test stick in sunlight for half an hour I have to conclude there's not even a wisp of a line. Surely there would be something if there was gonna be something???

Symptom wise? I had a cramp at 7dpo but otherwise less cramps than usual. My boobs were sore upto 11dpo but instead I have had stabby pains in them occassionly. At work yesterday (12dpo) I had a stabby pain in my tummy, like someone drumming in there, but only for like 10mins and nothing since. Came over feeling lightheaded at that time too. Also I keep waking up too early, like 4-5am and then yawning and feeling tired all day (understandable). I try to stay up later so I don't wake early again but am pooped by 8pm and falling asleep 9pmish.

I've felt a little nauseous now and again.... Erm.... Think that's it. Don't feel af symptoms but that's prob cos of the progesterone keeping it away.

But I was still gutted to get a bfn again a friend at work is pregnant, first cycle. She didn't want to tell me cos of upsetting me and got another friend to tell me. I was fine cos I kinda thought o might get a bfp myself! But now I am in tears cos I am sure it MUST be my hubbys sperm now. We DTD 3 times in the fertile window. How can 90 million+ sperm not get through to my one egg???? Even with my 9 day Lps surely as an egg implants 'between 6 and 12 days' a 6 or 7 dayer would still override my af?

Hubby says 'there's still yomorrow' to test but, well, I don't think there is much hope now. I take my last progesterone tonight, test tomorrow then with no more progesterone will get af Tuesday. Even if it's a late implanter it won't stick once I stop the progesterone.

And... It's back to square one again!

[MamaAnna]

I'm so sorry. I really hope you do get a BFP tomorrow. Maybe it was a late implanter.

[MountainMomma]

I'm right there with you. I'll be honest.... I'm not even really sure when AF is due here. Matt is fairly certain that I am late. I can't remember when or if AF visited in Feb. I usually write it down, but there is nothing in my calendar. I have nausea, super tired all the time and sore boobs, but tested BFN yesterday (first time I've tested in FOREVER!) Matt thought he might have seen a hint of a line, but I ruled it a bfn. (complete role reversal there).

This sucks. Even when we aren't really trying, but aren't preventing either, it still sucks.

[MamaAnna]

They need a bigger hug for you two.

[Mommy2Dakota]

No hugs. I just want a bfp!

I'm not taking my progesterone tonight so af should be with me by tomorrow night. I'll test one last time in the morning. I figure if it's not to be then no use prolonging the agony and delaying starting again.

I am soooo mad at hubby though. I found a place I could buy sperm analyse condoms, thinking it'll be easier for him but when I discuss it he says he has no prob with the idea of mastubatingin a cup at the hospital? So why the &@*%# -excuse my language- is he making us wait another month before I can get proper help? Grrrr....I'm so mad it's hard to even think of wanting to b'd for next ovulation!

*sigh*

[MamaAnna]

That really stinks that he's treating it like that. My DH never did the SA that they wanted him to get done so had Clomid not worked for us with the last that would have been it. They wouldn't even go over 100mg unless he did the SA first and he simply would not do it. He never gave a reason, but honestly I think he didn't want to hear that he had a problem with his swimmers. My old OB made it sound a lot like he would be completely sterile because of his first hernia surgery years ago and it really made him nervous. Obviously there's nothing wrong with him since we get pregnant very quickly when my body works, but at the time I was really furious with him for not being willing to take that step. I had already confirmed that I was broken and he couldn't do a single, non-invasive test to help us move forward.

I really hope your DH comes around and does his test sooner rather than later. Have you considered a boot in the behind?

[Mommy2Dakota]

Yeah, they won't give me clomid until he does a test. When I first told him after the docs he was mad cos we KNOW I have a prob and he wanted my cycle 'fixed' first. Which is essentially what taking the progesterone does foe me, fixes my LP. But as still nothing it's getting more and more likely it's him too and he doesn't want to have to change or give up smoking.
He's being an *** basically! He doesn't see how damaging this is as right now I resent him so strongly for making me suffer more bfn months!

BUT he says he will definitely go after one more cycle so no more excuses! I guess waiting that little bit isn't too much to ask...

[MamaAnna]

Hopefully he actually goes. Have you talked to him about all of the resentment? It'd be awful if this did lasting damage to your marriage.

[Mommy2Dakota]

To be honest it's a little scary cos I am afraid that if I really let it all out, what I am feeling, that it will cause so much tension that there would be no chance of wanting to b'd around O time (which can be pressure enough) and the damage will get worse. For the most part he is blind to it. Like, when I had Dakota he let me down alot (wouldn't help out with her, though he'd do all the cooking, cleaning etc instead but wouldn't understand I wanted a break). When I told how close we were to breaking up back then he was totally clueless!
I know that sounds a bad basis for having another baby but things did get better after the first year and at times I have felt like we're getting closer, like before we had Dakota...and I figure he'll know more second time round. Also, I know part of it is me wanting to lash out at anyone for the frustration and saddness this ttc is causing and I don't think it fair to use him as a scapegoat for my feelings.

[MamaAnna]

Guys just don't seem to understand anything when it comes to women. I used to think that was a joke, but nope, too true. Hopefully it all works out in the long run for you so you get some pressure off and he gets a clue.

[Mommy2Dakota]

Starting to spot so looks like AF is here.

[MamaAnna]

Want me to kick her in the shin?

[MountainMomma]

I started spotting today too. Then I went to work where my best friend/boss announced that she is pregnant....and then spent an hour crying about it and telling me that while yes, they had been trying, she had just decided it wasn't a good time and this couldn't come at a worse time and the last things she wants is a baby....BLAH BLAH BLAH. I came home upset over that and logged on to facebook to unwind where I found 7.... yes SEVEN more pregnancy announcements.

SERIOUSLY?!?!?!?

WTH? When is going to be my ******* turn? Why does life have to be such a ***** and kick me when I am already down?

[Mommy2Dakota]

I know exactly how you feel cos the lady from work, who's daughter is also in my daughters class at school is pregnant and I found out saturday then Sunday got my bfn and spent the whole day crying then picked-myself-up Monday only for her to see me at school and say 'wait up, I wanna walk with you' then proceed to tell me how rough and ill this pregnancy is making her feel. Which is just like the other lady who had been ttc 2yrs who said once she was pregs that she wished she wasn't cos of the morning sickness.
I never had morning sickness with D but I'll take anything (so long as it's not life threatening) just to be pregs and carry a healthy baby.

As for 7 bfps on your email.... Is that from ttc forums? I would really change your settings for those cos that's definitely NOT what you need!

[MamaAnna]

I think people need to read some pregnancy books before they get pregnant. It's one thing to complain a bit to other pregnant ladies because you're having a rough pregnancy, but you don't go up to somebody else and say you regret it entirely because you're sick. That's just wrong. Somebody needs to show them that infertility etiquette article too. Dumbasses.

[MountainMomma]

no, the 7 announcements were status updates of friends from back home on Facebook. Just a bad week for me I guess. *shrugs*

Oh, and no longer just spotting. AF is definitely here.

[MamaAnna]

I'm sorry Steph.