[MountainMomma]

When Matt and I first moved in together and decided to try for a baby we were very possibly looking at a very late 2006 baby. With our first pregnancy it would have been a 2007 baby. I just realized that I am officially out of the running for a 2010 baby. And 2011, 2012, and probably 2013 as well (because of going back to school). Reality is.... there probably isn't going to be any other bio babies for me, and while trying to accept that I am also dealing with EVERYONE around me announcing pregnancies. My best friend announced hers today and even a 12 year old at my daughters school is pregnant!

I just want to cry. It really isn't fair. Why can't I have a baby? What did I do that was so wrong? What did I do to piss God off so bad that he won't let me have the one thing I want more than anything?

And please ladies..... I really don't want to hear any of the comments about not knowing God's plan, or that it will happen in God's time. I am angry right now. I've told God that I am angry. He gets that. I'll get over it eventually but right now, I just want to be mad for a while.

[Mommy2Dakota]

Dido. I feel bad saying it but I'm mad at God too and I also told Him and said I know I am being childish but I just don't care. I think 'what have I done?' and I know I am far from perfect I look around and see all the types of people getting pregs. Not saying they're all bad or less deserving but some sure are! Sorry, but it has to be said. And I feel my marriage is suffering and yet this ONE little thing would make me so happy the world would seem at rights again and I will put all my misery behind me!

Anyhoo, sorry you feel like this Stef. There is no cure except that bfp. :-( I still believe though that only by moving on and truely forgetting it will it happen (though that is so tough and though I am saying that I cannot do it even myself). Would it be so bad to go back to school and set in your mind 'ok, we're put off ttc for a few years' and then maybe it happens whilst your involved at school?

I have decided to give up in a year once I get doctor help. There is a lady at work who has only one child which was thanks to IVF and so I may have to come to terms with only having one which I am blessed for. 2 people at work can have NO children. One spent thousands on IVF and docs but no luck and she has given up. The other has a disability and went for checks last year but was told her body couldn't support a baby. We ARE blessed in our way. But I feel like, if the time comes when I give up completely I don't know if I can ever be friends with people in that group that will be having families. I have a best friend who has had two in the time I've been ttc and said she won't try for a third for 3-4yrs. I managed to hold on, just, through her last pregnancy but I am not sure I can again. I think I would only be able to truely feel 'safe' around people who have had their kids already! How bad is that? Lol

anyhoo, sorry for my ramblings but I hope it shows I feel on the same page as you!

:dohug:

[MamaAnna]

[MountainMomma]

As of now, we have decided that if I am going back to school and we are putting the time, money and effort into that, then we are going to prevent pregnancy. I don't want to get part way through and then find out I'm pregnant and feel like I wasted all that money (once I'm pregnant, I'm staying at home with the baby.... no work, no school).

I just really kind of feel like it's over for me. And yeah, I can't handle being friends with anyone who might have an accidental pregnancy even if I know it's over for me. Doing this (school) means we are done TTC until I finish school for sure, and maybe even a year or so after so I can build up savings. By that time, I'll be 34 or 35 and I know that there are people who have babies at that age all the time. The thing is though, if I'm having these problems now, chances are they are only going to be even worse then! On the bright side, I'll be making great money, and be able to do some fertility treatments if I decided to later on. And if we chose to go with adoption, even that would be so much easier after school.

To be honest though.... it's not just having a baby. I just REALLY wanted to be pregnant and experience all that being pregnant brings just one more time. I really wanted Matt to experience the BFP, the ultrasounds, hearing the heartbeat, the delivery room..... the whole thing, just once. I really don't think it's going to happen now though.

[MamaAnna]

I just don't know what to say Steph. I'm glad you have a plan and you won't be wondering month after month anymore, but **** I wanted to see you more than anybody announcing gender and driving us crazy wondering if you'd gone into labor yet. If you weren't crying when you wrote that I'm crying for you now.

[MountainMomma]

Anna, your siggy is beautiful. I love the name you picked!

I'm doing better today. I think. lol The first day or two of AF are always so stinking hard on me. Hopefully from here on out (when I know there isn't even a possibility of pregnancy) they won't be that hard emotionally anymore.

[MamaAnna]

Thanks, I actually wanted Stephanie, but since it's the girl version of DH's name he wouldn't have it. Spoil sport!

Are you going to go on BCP or anything like that or is Matt going to be in charge of the preventing end of things?

[Jacobbbsmommy]

i just wanted to tell you i am so sorry but if u want this that badly, dont stop because ur going to school. no amount of lost money is more important than a child. and if you just relax and stop trying but dont prevent, maybe that will allow you to get ur bfp.... btw: it took me 2 years to conceive my son and i was 20 when i started. another 1 1/2 yrs of trying, no #2 yet. and i have had to deal with 2 of my sisters lossing babies in the past year... i just want to say that i am pissed at god too right now. you are not alone and even tho i am new to boards i just wanted to tell you that

[SavaAngel]

Stephanie - I really understand where you are coming from. I had about given up and it happened when I least expected it. That whole 2 week wait I was convinced AF would show - it had every other time. I know you don't want to hear this, but I really need to say it. Maybe this is Gods plan - maybe he wants you to further your education. THEN he will give you and Matt the baby you both want so badly. I will keep you in my prayers.

I highly recommend charting to avoid. It was wonderful to get to know my body that well. And yes it was a little difficult knowing I was fertile and we couldn't do anything but if we changed our mind it was easy to do and we didn't have to wait for the hormones to go out of my system before we could try. The added plus was I wasn't the witch I used to be on the pill. Now I did NFP and that means no condoms or anything, but FAM supports condoms while you are fertile. And if DH wanted to do something when I was fertile I just reminded him that I could get pregnant from it and he usually stopped and waited for when I wasn't fertile anymore.

There is a board here on JM for NFP/FAM. Good Luck!

[amber1]

I just wanted to stop in and say Im sorry. I used to be a member of this board a while back and I remember you from that time. It took me 4 years to conceive this baby and it did happen when DH and I were arguing the whole month.

No matter what you decide, I think that you know whats best for you and you will do exactly that. Good luck on your journey. Im so sorry that it hasnt happened for you and everyone else on this board because I know how tough it is. Congrats on your decision to go back to school, this will definately keep your mind off TTC with more benefits that just that! Hope you feel better soon!!!

[MarieJ]

((hugs)) and love Stephanie

[MountainMomma]

WOW! A lot can change in just over a month. First, I'm not angry anymore. lol We have switched to a new church, and I've gotten much closer to God again. We were dealing with some issues at our old church with other members that was really affecting me in a very negative way. I didn't realize just how much until I left though.

Matt and I have done so much praying and talking about this, and we have decided that our actions need to match our words. We say all the time that we fully trust God and that we believe that He will give us a child when His time is right, but then we are TTC and charting and taking meds, and doing procedures or else we decide that we aren't TTC and we discuss BC methods and avoid during certain times and it is just so stressful! We have decided that our actions need to show that we really do fully trust God. We are NTNP. We are truly putting this in God's hands.

I am still going back to school. I take a placement test on Thursday, next Tuesday I go in for registration and then classes start August 25. I am really getting excited! We have decided absolutely no BC. We aren't charting, we aren't avoiding, we aren't preventing. If we feel like DTD, we do, and we don't even think about my cycle beyond marking down the first of my cycle so that I kind of know when to stock up on supplies. lol If God decides to give us a baby sometime in the next 3 years while I am in school then we will deal with it then. If not..... well, once I graduate and work for a while we are considering adoption, but we won't be doing any more fertility treatments... not meds, no OPK's, no charting.... I'm done with all of it.

I have to say... it is a huge relief to have all the TTC and the TTA stress gone!

[SavaAngel]

That is wonderful. I am glad God has helped you and Matt come to a decision that works for you all. He does work in mysterious ways - we were NTNP when we got our BFP!

I am so happy you found this new church too!

[MamaAnna]

I had a nicer reply typed earlier and it lost it. So I'll just go short and sweet and say that I'm glad things are looking up and you sound so happy.