[Mommy2Dakota]

Hi all. I see a few new people have joined?

Anyhoo just updating really as I haven't been here for a while and I stopped ttc so hard for the last two months but now am officially done with it and my marriage too.

Basically I have ttc for 3yrs and had 1 mc two years ago (for those that don't know my story) and since the mc I tried EVERYTHING I could, charting, temping, opks, basting, herbal remedies, vitamins, special lubes, positions, abso everything! But no luck. I have low progesterone which means my AF comes too soon after ovulation to allow implantation. I managed to get medical progesterone for 2mths off the doctor and another 2mths supply off the interent which extended my cycle but still no BFP.

The docs wouldn't give me more or help me until my hub has a sperm test. All this time I've tried to get him to take vitamins or give up smoking but nope. He kept saying he would do a test but kept delaying. He said he wd go after my last progesterone. That finished in April. I didn't nag or pester but he still never went and seemed happy that I had stopped obsessing over ttc and charting. He said give it some more time. I say why? I cannot get pregs without hormone help and they won't until he tests.

I found my resentment to him building up and building up and I do not love him at all anymore. I have been finding distractions online talking to guys who tell me I am gorgeous and sexy where my hub never gives me compliments and we been growing more and more apart. About 6wks ago I felt like I don't even want a baby anymore. In fact I'm terrified of getting pregs now as I have found a new senses of freedom in being a 'woman' not just a mother and I feel free to be myself at last because I no longer care about what he thinks.

Last week I was depressed again. You can only hide in online distractions for so long and it all kinda hit me and we had a talk. I told him about how I have only been ok cos I have been distracting myself with people online (he's been unhappy about the amount of time I'm spending online) and I told him a I have been mad at him for weeks over his failure to hold to his word and test. He quietly agreed that he would test and said he would book the next day. But did he? Nooooo. Next day he carrys on as normal. So the day after, last Saturday, after work I pack up all the baby things I've had in storage and all the maternity clothes and packed them up to take charity shop. He looks at some of the newborn stuff and says 'maybe we should hang on to it a bit longer?'
I say 'why? I can't get pregs without help and u obviously are never going to have that test'
what did he say? Nothing. No denials or 'but I will' and two data ago he helps me take the stuff to the shop.
My mum said a while back that he obviously doesn't want more kids.

So i've wasted three years being depressed, obsessed and hopeful for nothing. I hate him so much! I'm close to leaving him but so far am just not sure cos of our little girl. We are kinda ticking along normal and it's easy to imagine just carrying on like this. Part of me feels I can just have this life AND maybe another (a lover for excitement) I know.. I'm off the rails. I been saying to my friends I'm on self destruct but just don't care.
But another part of me (the realistic side I guess) thinks can I really stay with him knowing I can never have kids again? If we'd taken the journey together and discovered we couldn't (because after all his sperm could be fine and it's just me) then I could have come to terms with it but his reluctance to ever do anything has destroyed us regardless of the fertility issues. I am considering councillimg but if I have to pay then I can't.

I even have a bi friend who wants kids and I was talking to him yesterday about maybe having an 'arrangment' where I could have his child and he could be a father. We're like best buds anyways.

It wasn't a serious serious convo (and he said it might be too big an emotional thing to do) but idk... Let's just say I'm confused and all over the place with my thoughts at the mo. I don't want a baby anymore right now.

[MamaAnna]

I'm so sorry. He really needs a major kick in the *** for putting you through all of this. What you've experienced is bad enough without your husband of all people making it so much worse. If it were me I would drop him like a bad habit and let the door hit him on his way out, but I tend to have a bit of a temper on a good day. Please keep this in mind though... I've known several couples to stay together for the kids and despite their efforts the kids knew. It caused them a lot more hurt than a split ever would have. If you truly decide not to be with him anymore, please don't let your daughter be the reason you stay where you're unhappy.

[kellysheree]

I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through this. My husband and I also have played that game, but not as long as you had. But even in that short time, it made me question if I really wanted to continue knowing that he just didn't share the same wants I did. Right now things are going well, but time can only tell. Good luck in whatever decision you make!

[Mommy2Dakota]

Thankyou both! Thanks Anna, that makes sense about 'staying for the kids'. I guess I'm just not rushing into a decision either way at the moment. Just thinking of my options and looking around.

[SavaAngel]

I am so sorry for all you are going through and ALL your DH is putting you through. If it were me I would take your daughter and leave. He obviously doesn't care about the same things as you do. How is his relationship with your daughter? Can you look into counseling at a church? Or talk to a minister/priest? Sometimes they will offer something for free for couples who can't afford it.

I am really sorry girl! This self destruct stuff isn't good for you or your daughter. And she will figure it out as she gets older if you stay and possibly resent you and her father.

[Mommy2Dakota]

Well get this: two weekends ago I went out with a girl from work, to bars u know. It's the first time in like 8yrs or so. I took my daughter to my mums to stay overnight and I also stayed at my mums to sleep as she lives close to my workplace which I knew would be easier the next day.
Well, hub didn't like that I was going at all. But he had stayed out til 2am one night on our vacation to Greece, spending money we had needed so he couldn't stop me as I had told him then 'right, I'm going out then when I get back home'
anyhoo, the day before he sulked and said to 'tell me if you kiss another bloke so I can pack my suitcase' and I had said 'u got nowhere to go' and he had said back
to his mums.
Then the day I went out, when I got back from work to have Dakota saying "where we going?" and I said "to 'nannys house" and she replied, to my shock, "and then daddies getting a new house to live in?" I shouted "hey, what u been telling her?" and he tried to joke it off. Then she also said "daddies going to get a new lady and move out". I was mad! How stupid telling a 3yr old that stuff???
And then when I began getting ready he couldn't hack it and went out, to his mums, despite having to work that night. And the day AFTER I went out he didn't speak to me for half the day.
How crazy is all that???

Relationship wise Dakota loves us both greatly though it took a year and a half before he had anything to do with her. I nearly walked a couple of times when Dakota was born cos he wouldn't help with her (then complained that she didn't like him) but they got better when I went back to work at 19mths and we have had times when we felt closer again and I was concentrating on having 'my family' but figured once we had another baby I could work on our relationship to get it back to how it was before Dakota was born.

[MamaAnna]

Wow... If he's telling her stuff like that his *** should be grass. I'd tell him to get out and then go from there. Maybe space will help, maybe not, but the way things are now obviously isn't working. You might be able to find a counselor that would work with you on an affordability basis. I'm not sure if that's an option, but it's something to consider if you want to go that route.

[SavaAngel]

Totally

[Red Sox Mommy]

Originally Posted by SavaAngel

I am so sorry for all you are going through and ALL your DH is putting you through. If it were me I would take your daughter and leave. He obviously doesn't care about the same things as you do. How is his relationship with your daughter? Can you look into counseling at a church? Or talk to a minister/priest? Sometimes they will offer something for free for couples who can't afford it.

I am really sorry girl! This self destruct stuff isn't good for you or your daughter. And she will figure it out as she gets older if you stay and possibly resent you and her father.

ITA with this.

[SoCaliMommy]

Hugs

[Amy_J]

Wow. TTC can rip you apart inside but to deal with TTC and him. I'm sorry you are dealing with this.