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I am five weeks pregnant, feeling very afraid and confused. Although I have a great support system of family and friends, I could really use an outside perspective Ėespecially from someone who has been in/or is currently in a similar situation. Any advice, or opinions would be greatly appreciated.
Since discovering I was pregnant (17 days ago), I have been going through a million emotions and my mind is racing all day long about what ifís. Initially I was terrified about being pregnant because I had drank heavily. Not just occasionally but on a nightly basis. After my OBGYN visit and reviewing the ultrasound, the doctor determined I was 4 weeks, 2 weeks from conception so the baby should not be affected (low risk) by my alcohol consumption so long as I stopped now. (That really confuses me as to how far along I really am, if anyone can explain that. Am I 2 weeks or 4 weeks? I do not remember when my last menstrual cycle was). I have since stopped drinking and have been eating healthy.
I have always wanted kids but didnít plan on having them until I was at least 30 (my BF and I are both in our mid-twenties), in a committed long-term relationship, and had a successful career. I graduated college with a bachelorís degree, but have been out of school and work for over a year, and am currently unemployed. This is obviously a huge concern. I know I can get a job that will pay the bills, but Iím worried that being out of work and the time I will take off once the baby is born will affect my chances of getting a great job in my field. My boyfriend is employed with a low-average income (for our age), but still has several years of school until he receives his degree. Even then, he will not be making very much money (similar to a teacherís salary). We have a great support system of family and friends, which is super helpful. But Iím afraid we will always be struggling to make ends meet. I was blessed to grow up in a middle class home, with nice things, and yearly vacations; so this is a scary thought for me. I want my child and family to have nice things, and be able to travel and experience the world. Although the city and state I live in is very nice and friendly, I have lived here my entire life and have always dreamt of living elsewhere near the ocean. This is an extremely hard dream for me to give up, and I think is unrealistic to think it may happen in the future, because our income.
Another huge concern is my relationship the babyís father. My boyfriend and I have been friends since college but have only been a couple for five months. He is absolutely great, and thrilled about having a baby. If he could have planned it out he would have waited a few years but now that Iím pregnant he has been nothing but positive and excited. He does not believe in abortion so he has not considered that as an option (although I have). He also said he does not think he could be with me if I had an abortion because he wouldnít be able to look at me the same. But he has really been like something you see in a movie through all of this. Since finding out he has been looking for a second job, applied to summer school and figuring out how he can get his degree, looking for a house to rent so that we can move in together, and being extremely attentive to my needs, asking if I need anything, how I feel Ėeven giving me back rubs every night. I should be ecstatic, and even though I whole heartedly appreciate everything he is doing, I am starting to doubt our relationship. I love him, but now that I have the pressure and a million questions: is he the one? Do I really think he will be there for me and the baby? What if he leaves me? Etc. I am even questioning my attraction to him. I donít know how much of this is hormones or if I was just going with the flow in a new relationship and now the pressure of all these life changing decisions im realizing I donít want to be with him. I donít want to force a relationship if itís not there and bringing a baby into that is the worst decision. He treats me great, he has my best interest, he pushes me to be the best I can be, he makes me laugh like no one else, but sometimes Iím not attracted to him physicallyÖ how important is that? Am I just being shallow? Itís hard for me to picture my life with him in the future like I did with my exís. But I have always bee in long relationships, this one is actually my shortest. Iím afraid of staying together for the sake of our child, and resenting him.
Iím also concerned with how this will affect our lifestyle. We are people who like to go out with friends, have parties, and spend the summer at the lake on the boat. None of our close friend have children. I canít help but be selfish and think about all the things we will be missing out on. I also hate to ask my boyfriend not to go out or to the lake, but I know I wont be able to.
With all of these concerns, I cannot make my mind up on whether I should have this baby or have an abortion. One second I am 100% confident that I want to have this baby and 20 minutes later I believe abortion is the best option, and this has been going on everyday all day since I found out. Are these normal thoughts? I feel guilty for not being so excited and so in love with the idea of having a baby. But is that because Iím programmed to think thatís how Iím supposed to feel? Or do I keep trying to convince myself this is not the right decision because it just simply is not the right decision and I should have an abortion?
Sorry that was so long and full of rambling, my mind is all over the place right now. If you read that entire post, thank you and I would really appreciate your input.