[*Mrs.J.2011*]

So for the last year Chris and I have been talking about getting married and he keeps telling me that I will get a ring once he can afford it.. well.. He just bought a new tv the other day.. $1,900! and on top of that.. a $250 stand for it! Well he already had a tv that worked perfectly well.. so I said to him today, "Hey babe, I'm a little confused and hurt" he asked "why?" and I said "well you have been telling me that the reason we arent engaged yet is because you need to wait until you can afford a ring, which is fine and I understand, but you just spent $2000 for a tv and a stand, so I'm confused. Is there another reason?" He looked at me and flipped out! He told me that the reason he hasnt proposed is because he wants it to be "perfect" and that I'm making him feel like I just want to get married and it doesnt matter to whom! I was so hurt. I explained that was not the case, but that I am eager to marry him well he didnt want to hear any of it.

I'm so confused! He tells me one thing for a year and then I ask him about it and he flips out!

I need advice.. am I being irrational to think that if he tells me he cant afford a ring but then gets a $2000 tv there is something else to the story!?

He does tell me he wants to marry me, I'm not worried about that, but I need to know why he gives me the excuse and then changes it.. could he be nervous? Usually when he's nervous I can tell because of his body language..

ugh..

[Mars]

I'm sorry he flipped out. And I do think that if he can afford to splurge like that on a TV and stand that he could afford a ring.

However, some men don't want the ladies meddling with the timeframe or the process of how they should get engaged. They want to do it at their own pace without the "pressure" but you know, we ladies are always anxious about these things and men operate in dog years.

And unfortunately, when the topic comes up they will get all defensive. With men, it's hard to understand their emotions but I think he may just want to do it when he feels ready.

[Resi]

Why would he be scared to commit to getting married but not be scared to try for a baby? I would be a little hurt too.

[*Anna*]

Why would he be scared to commit to getting married but not be scared to try for a baby? I would be a little hurt too.[/b]

I was just going to post this. If he's ready for a baby, why not be ready to commit to you if you already discussed it. And buying a tv. Thats alot for a tv when you have a working one already. I'd be upset too.

[*Mrs.J.2011*]

I'm sorry he flipped out. And I do think that if he can afford to splurge like that on a TV and stand that he could afford a ring.

However, some men don't want the ladies meddling with the timeframe or the process of how they should get engaged. They want to do it at their own pace without the "pressure" but you know, we ladies are always anxious about these things and men operate in dog years.

And unfortunately, when the topic comes up they will get all defensive. With men, it's hard to understand their emotions but I think he may just want to do it when he feels ready.[/b]

He keeps telling me he is ready.. but that he wants it to be perfect..

Why would he be scared to commit to getting married but not be scared to try for a baby? I would be a little hurt too.[/b]

Thats what I dont understand!

[Resi]

Have you told him it doesn't have to be perfect? I know some women want a dream proposal and wedding but other just want to marry the man.

When my DH and I got married we had no ring, no wedding, and no money. None of that mattered. We just wanted to be husband and wife.

[Mars]

I'm a bit confused about the wanting to have the baby too and not wanting to commit to the marriage too.

I was going to add something about that to my post but guess I forgot.

On another note but I don't want to get your hopes up...maybe he has bought a ring and is waiting for what he considers the right time???

I don't want to be clutching at straws but I hope that sometime soon when he calms down that you can have a decent discussion about it.

[*Mrs.J.2011*]

I told him he could propose at mcdonalds with a plastic ring from a $.25 machine! He knows I just want to be his wife and for him to be my husband.. I am in no way materialistic, but for some reason he thinks I should be and only wants the best. Our lives have been the farthest thing from perfect, why make the proposal something that we def are not (perfect)

I'm relieved that you ladies dont think I'm being ridiculous!

I'm a bit confused about the wanting to have the baby too and not wanting to commit to the marriage too.

I was going to add something about that to my post but guess I forgot.

On another note but I don't want to get your hopes up...maybe he has bought a ring and is waiting for what he considers the right time???

I don't want to be clutching at straws but I hope that sometime soon when he calms down that you can have a decent discussion about it.[/b]

I wish that he had bought the ring, but I know he hasnt.. he tried to play it off for a little while like he already had it.. but then broke down and told me he didnt.

Also.. we were supposed to go to a concert with my parents on August 3rd.. but it got cancelled.. he told me that he was going to propose at the concert with my parents there. As much as I would love to believe that, I cant. I feel like it is his way of getting me to shut up about it all

[Mod-LadyCoconut]

Hmm. I typically get kind of "turned off" when women start asking questions and pushing about the engagement, etc. But it just seems totally backwards to me that he's willing to commit to TTC but not get engaged. I just don't understand that at all. I also think if someone I planned on being with long term (aka were TTCing with) went out and splurged on a 2k item without discussing it with me, I'd have some issues right there. I guess since you're boyfriend/girlfriend its hard(er) to define those particular boundaries... but if you've committed to TTC then you should be open about talking about finances, and if it were me, spending that much money without including me would really piss me off. Not to mention hurt my feelings if he's claiming money issues as the reason for not proposing.

I don't think you're being irrational, I just think you two need to open up some communication and realistically talk about expectations. You guys moved in together very recently, you're already TTCing, and I'm just curious if this IS how you always wanted things to unfold and you are 100% okay with it, or if you're having serious baby fever and are jumping the gun with having a baby first. I know in the "should we tell our moms" thread you seemed to kind of hint that neither of your sets of parents were married & your mom hoped differently for you. I'm guessing that you grew up with your parents putting the expectation of 'married first' in your head. I know before I got knee deep in wedding planning my baby fever was like crazy, and even though I knew we weren't as prepared as we want to be, it was kind of like "ooh but it'll work out!" and we were riskier than we should have been. I'm curious, if you had a ring on your finger and a date in your calendar, if the baby fever would subside and you'd feel better about waiting. I hope that doesn't come off sounding judgmental, because, to each their own. My parents weren't married when they had me and I really have no problem with it... I'm just throwing it out there. I know your TTC schedule isn't necessarily up for discussion here, and I don't want to overstep my boundaries. I just wanted to bring that up, because you do seem vulnerable and confused about if there are underlying reasons for him NOT proposing or for him blowing $ on toys when he could be saving up for a ring... and I just cannot fathom trying to bring a child into this world in a relationship where there are doubts like that.

On an entirely different train of thought... when you think about the whole proposal thing... it's a huge deal for the men. When you get engaged or know someone who just got engaged, what's the second thing you hear? ('let me see the ring!' is the first) HOW DID HE PROPOSE?! For the rest of your lives you will be telling the story of how you got engaged. While women just want to BE engaged... men feel like they need to "one up" eachother or something. He probably really does just want it to be perfect. It's important to them, so I say try to keep the pressure off so he can do what he needs to do. Easier said than done, I'm sure.

*hugs* I hope nothing I said was out of line. I'm just trying to be honest as if you were one of my friends IRL.

[*Mrs.J.2011*]

Hmm. I typically get kind of "turned off" when women start asking questions and pushing about the engagement, etc. But it just seems totally backwards to me that he's willing to commit to TTC but not get engaged. I just don't understand that at all. I also think if someone I planned on being with long term (aka were TTCing with) went out and splurged on a 2k item without discussing it with me, I'd have some issues right there. I guess since you're boyfriend/girlfriend its hard(er) to define those particular boundaries... but if you've committed to TTC then you should be open about talking about finances, and if it were me, spending that much money without including me would really piss me off. Not to mention hurt my feelings if he's claiming money issues as the reason for not proposing.

I don't think you're being irrational, I just think you two need to open up some communication and realistically talk about expectations. You guys moved in together very recently, you're already TTCing, and I'm just curious if this IS how you always wanted things to unfold and you are 100% okay with it, or if you're having serious baby fever and are jumping the gun with having a baby first. I know in the "should we tell our moms" thread you seemed to kind of hint that neither of your sets of parents were married & your mom hoped differently for you. I'm guessing that you grew up with your parents putting the expectation of 'married first' in your head. I know before I got knee deep in wedding planning my baby fever was like crazy, and even though I knew we weren't as prepared as we want to be, it was kind of like "ooh but it'll work out!" and we were riskier than we should have been. I'm curious, if you had a ring on your finger and a date in your calendar, if the baby fever would subside and you'd feel better about waiting. I hope that doesn't come off sounding judgmental, because, to each their own. My parents weren't married when they had me and I really have no problem with it... I'm just throwing it out there. I know your TTC schedule isn't necessarily up for discussion here, and I don't want to overstep my boundaries. I just wanted to bring that up, because you do seem vulnerable and confused about if there are underlying reasons for him NOT proposing or for him blowing $ on toys when he could be saving up for a ring... and I just cannot fathom trying to bring a child into this world in a relationship where there are doubts like that.

On an entirely different train of thought... when you think about the whole proposal thing... it's a huge deal for the men. When you get engaged or know someone who just got engaged, what's the second thing you hear? ('let me see the ring!' is the first) HOW DID HE PROPOSE?! For the rest of your lives you will be telling the story of how you got engaged. While women just want to BE engaged... men feel like they need to "one up" eachother or something. He probably really does just want it to be perfect. It's important to them, so I say try to keep the pressure off so he can do what he needs to do. Easier said than done, I'm sure.

*hugs* I hope nothing I said was out of line. I'm just trying to be honest as if you were one of my friends IRL.[/b]

Not out of line at all Shannon! Before I met Chris I always thought marriage before kids. Part of that was because I hadnt ever been in a stable relationship so the idea of kids before marriage brought on the thoughts of "single mommy" (which is not a bad thing, just not for me) but when I met Chris I knew it was different. We have always talked about TTC before marriage and if it's meant to happen it will, if not than hopefully it will after marriage. We didnt really have a particular order to do things in.

In talking to him in the last 15 mins, he said "I understand where you are coming from and I'm sorry I didnt talk with you sooner about the tv, my dad is buying my old tv off of me and I thought it would feel more like home if we had a nice new tv." He then said "Kay I really do love you and I do want to spend the rest of my life with you, I just want to give you the best life I can and I want to start it with the proposal, I want it to be perfect, just like I want the rest of our lives to be perfect"

So with that said.. now I feel like a b###h

Aww Kayleigh!! ITA w/ Shannon, I just wanted to add that sometimes guy's timelines don't line up. We RUSHED an engagement, but it was totally spontaneous, and I don't regret it. Our wedding was also rushed, but I'm GLAD we did it that way.

Mike "re-proposed" one year later, because he DID have a "perfect" idea. And it was perfect BOTH ways!

[Alison81]

I don't think it's about him not having the money, but that sounds like a good excuse. I honestly think it's about doing it on HIS time. I think when he feels right about it, he will ask you, and you will be totally surprised. But in the future, I'd ask him to let you know if he planned on making another major purchase like that. I think once you're in a relationship, especially a committed one, you need to both agree on financial decisions.

[*Mrs.J.2011*]

Thanks ladies for everything! We have talked about it a little bit more since I last posted and we have agreed to talk about big purchases either of us make before making them!

I also explained again that this is not about "a ring" or "a wedding" its about us and spending our lives together, and that I dont mean to put pressure on him, but that I'm just anxious to spend my life with him.

[Frozendesire]

Okay since everyone has given some wonderful advice and I totally 100% agree with everything that Shannon said and there is no reason to add... I have a question.

Why not focus on one thing? Maybe he is getting overwhelmed thinking baby and marriage all "right away" or is getting that pressure from you?

Whether the baby comes before marriage or the marriage before baby they BOTH need alot of discussion and thorough thought. If you are TTC why not focus on that and worry about when marriage will happen later? Or do the marriage first? Or whatever ya know?

Just throwing that out there. They just seem like such huge decisions that I couldn't tackle them at the same time! haha.

Either way, it looks like you guys need to do some serious talking, about finances, the future etc. This needs to be done frequently too!! You may have started the relationship with the same dreams and desires, but those can change and that's fine as long as you both are honest and accepting.

[Mod-LadyCoconut]

So with that said.. now I feel like a b###h[/b]

I'm sad to read this. You are allowed to feel however it is you feel. Just because he said some sweet things does not mean your feelings of concern, confusion, etc. are not valid. You should not feel like a b for bringing up some valid questions about your future with him, and just because he didn't receive it well does not mean you shouldn't have shared your thoughts.

When he said this:

He then said "Kay I really do love you and I do want to spend the rest of my life with you, I just want to give you the best life I can and I want to start it with the proposal, I want it to be perfect, just like I want the rest of our lives to be perfect"[/b]

.... I wish you would have said the same thing you said in this thread earlier about a different situation:

As much as I would love to believe that, I cant. I feel like it is his way of getting me to shut up about it all[/b]

First you bring this all up and he flips out... and then he comes back, says some sweet things and YOU wind up feeling like you were in the wrong and you're the b? I've seen this repeatedly with my older sister. I'm not saying he doesn't plan on proposing to you, but I just wouldn't buy the sweet stuff he's saying about all that. In all honesty, when people are 'waiting' to get married... it's typically for a few reasons -- money/school/better job/losing weight/commitment issues -- all of those seem like valid reasons to delay TTC. If his 'new reason' is to "give you the best life I can" and he can't do that now (hence not having proposed yet) then why would he be trying to bring a baby into this world?

The whole thing just doesn't add up to me. I don't understand how a guy could want to TTC but be putting off marriage UNLESS he really is cooking up a super awesome proposal (hope so!) but if that's the case why would he get so irritated by you asking about it, kwim?

I think Stephy brings up a great point of focusing on one major life changing event or the other, but both at the same time is a lot. And lots of deep communication is key!

I'm just saying all of this because it really bothers me that you said you felt like a b. I feel like this got turned around on you when your feelings should be 100% validated.

[Ellemphriem]

So sorry to jump in. I am stalking another thread for several days and i just saw that and had to answer. My previous relationship (a failed engagement) had the exact SAME issue. He had promised me a ring and future marriage and i was soooo stuck on getting it (don't take it word for word for you my dear, not meant that way ) that i was making life hell to him. I was always asking him where is my ring? And why did you buy this and not the ring and we ended up conversating alone and continiously about THE RING...... I smile now because in hindsight i see it as soooo silly from me. I was insecure though and it was partly his fault for making me feel like that. In end after 3 years something we ended up breaking up for various reasons. He told me that my friends bothered him and that they cost me my ring....you see he was using that silly item to make me feel nasty. I told him to take the freaking ring and shove it right were the sun don't shine Off and begone to him it was not meant to be. In this relationship (my husband) i NEVER EVER thought about rings and marriages. I mean i knew that someday it'd happen but i never pursued it. I was happy to have him by my side holding my hand and loving me. He asked for marriage i accepted, bought me a FAR more expensive ring than i would have ever expected (which i rarely wear for fear of damaging) and 6 months later we got married. Now i wera only my wedding band and it is sacred to me. But you see the difference? In this one the ring was never an issue with me. Neither was the marriage. I was satisfied just by being with him, and everything else fell into place.

I know how insecure this might make you feel, but maybe just maybe if you guys sit down and talk about it things will clear up for you? Explain to him why you are so stuck on the ring issue and ask him to ease your mind about how things are. But on your side you have to let go a little bit OK?



And everything will be ok......believe me. The ring and everything that comes with it WILL come, when it is their time....and that would be far sweeter than making it come because you think it is their time......

PS: You mentioned you are anxious of spending your life together....aren't you doing that already? (Really i don't know the history here) but if you live together then believe me marriage will change nothing (unless you want it too)

[soImarriedAnerd]

Between Shannon and Ellemphriem I have nothing really to add for advice-they said it for me.

[Angelaosaurus-rex]

I think everyone covered what I was thinking! But I wanted to give you some ((HUGS)) and let you know I'm thinking about you.

Just a thought... Have any of his friends bought a big TV lately? Something I've noticed with my Chris is that when one of his friends gets something new he wants to one up it.

[petalfuzz]

In this relationship (my husband) i NEVER EVER thought about rings and marriages. I mean i knew that someday it'd happen but i never pursued it. I was happy to have him by my side holding my hand and loving me. He asked for marriage i accepted, bought me a FAR more expensive ring than i would have ever expected (which i rarely wear for fear of damaging) and 6 months later we got married. Now i wera only my wedding band and it is sacred to me. But you see the difference? In this one the ring was never an issue with me. Neither was the marriage. I was satisfied just by being with him, and everything else fell into place.[/b]

I have to agree!! When I was dating DH, I felt warm and fuzzy when I was with him. If I even thought about asking him if we'd be married someday, or engaged I'd get huge butterflies and keep my mouth shut! I instinctually knew to enjoy every moment while I was living it.

The only *I repeat--only* time I even hinted about getting engaged was 1 month before he actually proposed: I gave him a popsicle stick with a joke on it that said, "How did the phone get engaged to his girlfriend?" "He gave her a ring!" It was my way of telling Scott that I was ready for the next step.

My point is that in my opinion, men like women who are secure enough in their relationships to just enjoy them. If you know in your heart that this is the man you are going to spend the rest of your life with, then start living it. Enjoy each moment and cherish him as the person you love.

[Mars]

Coming back in again to say that Shannon's responses are spot on and I hope you guys work something out but never feel bad for making your thoughts or concerns known. Commitment and marriage is always a ticklish issue and when you're living together it becomes even more so. It's fine to say all the sweet things but sometimes you really need that reassurance that comes with something tangible like the ring, etc. However, this does not always mean a bed of roses.