[Garfieldbear]

Whether you currently have kids, are pregnant, are TTC, or are WTTC....have you ever "dreamed" about what kind of mother you would be if you were the "ideal mother"? I'm not talking just about cleaning the house from top to bottom or cooking the perfect casserole....but did you ever see yourself as a mother who lets her kids be independent, or a mother who sees herself as strict but loving? A mother who pays a lot of attention to her kids, or a mother who lets kids "be who they really are"? A mother who stays at home, or goes to work so that she can afford things like a house and car? And what kind of ideals do you want to impart....independence, confidence, compassion, a strong sense of community, responsibility?

And how do you think you will measure once you do become a mother (or are already a mother?) Are you likely to "lose" it now and again? Or be careless? I'm just curious, because these questions have been running through my mind for a few years now. Of course, everyone wants to be loving and kind....but what one considers as the "right" kind of parent, someone else might disagree (like should you be strict for your kids' own good, or give your kids a lot of space?)

****And my 12 week ultrasound is tomorrow, wish me luck!!!!

[LisanAndy]

I always wanted to be the mother that my mom wasn't to me My mom and I have ALWAYS had a rough relationship and I was not a hard child/teen... really I wasn't! My mom already had 3 kids and I was 10 years apart from the youngest she had at the time and she was 40 when she had me. She told me I was a mistake and she hated having to start over. There was physical and emotional abuse and made me feel horrible for her "having" to be a mom. All I ever wanted was to be able to go shopping with my mom (told that was boring and to save it for my friends), get our nails done (told it was a waste of time and money), ect. My heart still aches at what I couldn't have with her. When I found out I was pregnant with Taylor I prayed SOOO hard that I could have a girl to prove to myself that a mother/daughter relationship can work and when I watched her on the u/s screen at 18 weeks pregnant and the tech asked me what I thought I was having.. they didn't even have to say it. I saw the lack of boy parts and just started bawling my eyes out. Andy leaned over and hugged me and kissed me and I said oh my gosh, it's a girl isn't it?! She said yes it is. I truly feel like my prayer was answered and I felt so amazingly blessed. A boy would have been just as loved but I couldn't believe I actually got my little girl. There are times when I haven't been the most patient and I've cried to Andy saying I'm terrified I'll act like/do things my mom would and he always reassures me I'm nothing like her. I've written her a letter every few months since she was born with her new accomplishments, how proud I am of her, ect. I just want her to know how much she was wanted and how incredibly loved she is. I will ALWAYS be here for her.. I'll go shopping if she wants, I'll get my nails done with her, I'll actually go to her dance recitals/sports games, I'll listen to her, I'll never purposely hurt her or make her feel like she's less of a person, or actually tell her that her opinions and feelings don't matter. Ughh.. this drudged up a lot of hurt and feelings from the past but it feels good to get it out

[thepinkleprechaun]

I didn't really have "mom problems" growing up, but I was emotionally and physically abused by my father and my mom was too afraid to stand up for me. I don't really hold a grudge against her because of it, she was always there for me in other ways when I was growing up, and we're really good friends now.

I just want to be really open and loving with my daughter, and my future son. I give Aden hugs and kisses ALL the time, and I tell her I love her and how beautiful she is and that she's a good girl (when she IS being a good girl lol!) which is something I never remembered with my own parents, especially my dad. I can't remember him ever really hugging me or saying that he loved me at all. I'm not perfect by any means, I have a really bad temper and I lose it with her sometimes. But I would never hurt her physically and the few times where I really lost it with her I always gave her a hug and told her I was sorry. I think it's really important for children to trust their parents, and I think hitting them breaks down that trust, or at least it did for me.

I want to be a "cool mom" but I'm definitely not going to be a pushover, if she breaks the rules she'll get punished. But I'm the kind of person where I would rather have my teenage daughter on birth control and KNOW about it than not know what she's up to or have her sneak around behind my back. I really did a lot of stuff my parents didn't know about, like having sex, but thank goodness I was smart about it and got on the pill. They were waaaaay too strict though, plus I didn't feel like I could ever tell them about anything because they would just freak out! (mostly my dad).

[*kyle*]

Lisa, that was a truly meaningful post and I can see all of the thought you have put into it. I have to say that Taylor is an incredibly lucky little girl, to have you for her mother!

Jen, good luck tomorrow! Let us know how it goes!!

As for the question... what kind of mother do I want to be... I have also given this a lot of thought. I guess for me, the quickest way to answer this is to say, "I want to be the mother that my child(ren) need me to be." I think each child requires a slightly different approach, and I hope I'll be in tune enough and know my children well enough to give them the advice/space/punishment/reward/sympathy or whatever else they need at that moment. That doesn't mean giving them what they want all the time - but rather what they need to be better people and make better choices in the long run. I want to be a very communicative mother. I want my kids to always feel that I know and understand them, that they can communicate anything to me. And I want to be an unconditional love mother. Of course kids are going to break rules and do stupid things, or be aggravating. I want to always keep in mind as my cardinal rule that I can love the child while not loving the behavior. I was raised in a home with a TON of yelling and lots of physical and verbal abuse. I know it doesn't work. I would never want to make my children feel that way. I hope I never lose it on them, but who am I kidding, I am human... I'm sure I will at some points. But I want to be the kind of mother who can admit a mistake, apologize and do better the next time. One of my personal tendencies is to overanalyze things, and I also "intellectualize" things that should be emotional. I am sure a big part of my growth as a mother will be in learning to respond to my child(ren) in an instinctual and basically emotional way rather than treating them as psychological case studies (a huge risk when your mom is a therapist... LOL... my poor kids!).

I hope to base the type of mom I am based on the needs of my child. It's obvious that my sister, brother and I all had different needs, habits, and tendencies, and the rules and expectations were different for each of us..

For instance, my sis wasn't the greatest student... and she was pretty rebellious and not a believer in parental control over her life. She had stricter rules when it came to curfew than I did, but my parents expected her to have a B- average in school, and got her tutors to ensure that.

I was,by my later teens, more calm, and I didn't have a curfew. But, I was also usually home by 12 am as a senior in high school on weekends, and if I wasn't, my mom knew EXACTLY where I was and I never lied. My parents expected me to at least make the honor roll, and I got incentives for making the High Honor Roll {95% average or above}.

I want to be nurturing, probably a mix between AP/Traditional parenting, and I don't want a "cookie cutter", my way or the highway kind of mom. I hope to parent by the idea "to each according to their needs from each according to their abilities." I want my kids to not feel worried about discussing anything with us. Of course, I expect some things will be harder to discuss, but I don't want my kids to think I'm unapproachable.

I believe in chores, part-time jobs if kids aren't really into extracurriculars {and maybe if they are}, and volunteering and helping others. I also want our kids to value family, and God or whatever they choose spiritually-- I was raised with Jewish and Catholic influences, and believe I'm more Jewish. Mike believes in a higher power, like God, but hasn't sorted out where he stands.

I want to be able to stay at home most of the time when my kinds are young, working PT will still be important to me. I hope to be involved in PTA and drive car-pools and things like that so that I can know my kid's friends. My parents weren't able to do those things for good reasons, but I would like to.

Lastly, for what I can think of, I hope I don't pass any body image problems to my children, and that my anxiety doesn't prevent me from allowing kids to do what most kids do.

GREAT THREAD IDEA!!

ETA: I missed this part, but I will work HARD to not have a screaming environment in my home, or anger control problems fueled by alcoholism, as I was raised until my dad moved out.

[lauren in hi]

Well, I'm by no means perfect, but what I hope for Abby & Zach is that they will grow up to be secure & have self-esteem. I hope they are decent, kind, moral people who are spiritual in nature. There is a lot of alcoholism & addiction as well as OCD in DH's family, so we will raise them to be self-aware and also educated on those issues (mainly the first two). My mom had it rough because my dad wasn't around a lot (he worked a lot) and he wasn't really the type to help out much in terms of kids/house, etc. She did the best that she could w/ us, and although I don't necessarily agree w/ the way my brother & I were raised, I am okay w/ it.

I think because of my age & position in life I have a lot more patience than I ever thought I could...though I have snapped at Abby unnecessarily before.

AND LET ME JUST SAY THAT I'M NOT SAYING THAT MY AGE MAKES ME A GOOD MOM; I JUST WAS NOT PATIENT OR SELFLESS LIKE, SAY, 10 YEARS AGO. I'M JUST SAYING THAT I THINK THAT'S WHY I CAN MAKE IT WORK FOR ME.

I will add my contribution in a few days when I can think about it without bawling

Great thread though, and some great posts too

Zach is confirmed information Lauren!

[LaLaRose3]

I want to be like my mother- always there for my kids, always willing to listen, talk and give advice. Never judgmental, always accepting. Willing to have fun. Work hard to give my children what they deserve in life, and just love them unconditionally.

I will also be more AP, like my mother was. Discipline wise- no spanking, no yelling.

[lauren in hi]

Zach is confirmed information Lauren![/b]

actually, i don't know...just going on what that dr. told me last week...haha!

[freesiangel]

I don't have a set plan in place, because, well, I know it'll go out the window once the kiddo is here. Every child is different and needs a different approach (as others have already said). Basically, I want my child to feel loved, but not smothered. I want to be involved in my childs life outside the family (sports, friends, etc.), but I don't want to hover and become that annoying mom. I want my child to be independent and able to land on his/her own feet, but I want them to know they can always come to me for love, advice, guidance, etc.

Working for a university, I've seen WAY too many 18-24 year olds that are insanely dependent on their parents... Their parents do EVERYTHING for them and I can't understand why/how this happened. I don't want to create a child that is still asking me to make their doctors appointments when they're 19 years old (unless they were really sick and were unable to do it themselves, but you know what I mean) or having me call the university AFTER they've already graduated to ask where their diploma is. Now that really opened my eyes!

Ahem, but I won't go on anymore about this topic. I could write a book about the things I've seen!

[Garfieldbear]

I'm sorry to hear that so many of you had a rough childhood....I did too, and that's why I think about what kind of parent I will be a lot (and what kind of parent my DH will be). For me, instilling confidence in my child is EXTREMELY important....as a child, I was critisized by my parents to the point that I hated myself by Junior High School, became extremely shy, withdrawn, with little friends and a social life. I want my child to feel confident enough to walk up to anyone and start a conversation....to be friendly, and to be social (although, nature might have other plans for my little one, I will nurture my child that way at least). Education is extremely important for me as well....I grew up without much guidance on education or what career path I should follow, and unfortunately I do regret the career path I have chosen but it's all right, I am so happy being a stay-at-home mom. I want to be there to help with homework, and encourage good grades. I want to take my child to museums, to films, to all things that will help my child grow.

As far as how I will measure up: I am worried that I am too emotional for my own good....I tend to cry and get angry out of nowhere, and I would hate to put my child through that. Sometimes I get angry at my innocent kitty and I feel so guilty, and wonder if I would do the same to my child. My husband is a lot more even-tempered, and I actually feel confident that he will be a wonderful father (which means so, so much to me). I dream of my husband helping our child build science projects, and going to ball games (things I missed out on with my own dad, unfortunately). Thank you all for sharing your thoughts too, I know that it brought up some tough memories for some of you

[lauren in hi]

I don't have a set plan in place, because, well, I know it'll go out the window once the kiddo is here. Every child is different and needs a different approach (as others have already said). Basically, I want my child to feel loved, but not smothered. I want to be involved in my childs life outside the family (sports, friends, etc.), but I don't want to hover and become that annoying mom. I want my child to be independent and able to land on his/her own feet, but I want them to know they can always come to me for love, advice, guidance, etc.

Working for a university, I've seen WAY too many 18-24 year olds that are insanely dependent on their parents... Their parents do EVERYTHING for them and I can't understand why/how this happened. I don't want to create a child that is still asking me to make their doctors appointments when they're 19 years old (unless they were really sick and were unable to do it themselves, but you know what I mean) or having me call the university AFTER they've already graduated to ask where their diploma is. Now that really opened my eyes!

Ahem, but I won't go on anymore about this topic. I could write a book about the things I've seen! [/b]

My friend who also works at a university has echoed many of those same sentiments...parents calling to change their kids' schedules & such...crazy! I know I have not been as independent as I would have liked, so it is something I hope to foster in my own children.

[Miracle]

I always wanted to be the mother that my mom wasn't to me My mom and I have ALWAYS had a rough relationship and I was not a hard child/teen... really I wasn't! My mom already had 3 kids and I was 10 years apart from the youngest she had at the time and she was 40 when she had me. She told me I was a mistake and she hated having to start over. There was physical and emotional abuse and made me feel horrible for her "having" to be a mom. All I ever wanted was to be able to go shopping with my mom (told that was boring and to save it for my friends), get our nails done (told it was a waste of time and money), ect. My heart still aches at what I couldn't have with her. When I found out I was pregnant with Taylor I prayed SOOO hard that I could have a girl to prove to myself that a mother/daughter relationship can work and when I watched her on the u/s screen at 18 weeks pregnant and the tech asked me what I thought I was having.. they didn't even have to say it. I saw the lack of boy parts and just started bawling my eyes out. Andy leaned over and hugged me and kissed me and I said oh my gosh, it's a girl isn't it?! She said yes it is. I truly feel like my prayer was answered and I felt so amazingly blessed. A boy would have been just as loved but I couldn't believe I actually got my little girl. There are times when I haven't been the most patient and I've cried to Andy saying I'm terrified I'll act like/do things my mom would and he always reassures me I'm nothing like her. I've written her a letter every few months since she was born with her new accomplishments, how proud I am of her, ect. I just want her to know how much she was wanted and how incredibly loved she is. I will ALWAYS be here for her.. I'll go shopping if she wants, I'll get my nails done with her, I'll actually go to her dance recitals/sports games, I'll listen to her, I'll never purposely hurt her or make her feel like she's less of a person, or actually tell her that her opinions and feelings don't matter. Ughh.. this drudged up a lot of hurt and feelings from the past but it feels good to get it out [/b]

That is such a beautiful story! I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes.
I'm so happy you got your little girl, too! Prayer is so powerful. I can totally relate. I prayed for so many things during my pregnancy and God answered all of my requests, too, even the small ones. I'm sure Taylor is going to be honored to have you as a mom.

[soImarriedAnerd]

I had a wonderful childhood. i want to be the parent my father was. and most parts of my mom. The things I don't want to do that she did---she worked at a mental health hospital and she drove me crazy with her over analyzing my actions, or assuming because its the norm to cave into peer pressure that I would do it there for my choose in friends would determine my future, if anything her telling me that "this is what your really feeling" made me insane or "this is why your doing this".....DROVE ME INSANE! LOL But thats the worst thing I can think of....so by no means can I really b*tch about anything.......the above may not have even been that bad-but its the only bad I can really think of.
I was always told how much I was loved, how great I was at things. They were far away enough for me to learn on my own, but always there so if i needed anything i know I could ask them.

But here is the key part for me.........what you SEE your parents doing (not what they are telling you to do or how to act) is what I think makes the biggest impact in a childs life. I saw tons of love between my parents (to a kind of disgusting level actually-i can't tell you how many time I walked IN on them *shutters*). I saw the actions of how they treated EVERYONE the same no matter how poor/rich/pretty/ugly/not the norm/normal/gay/straight/colored/white/haters/lovers/no matter what religion they were. I saw them go out of their way to make others lives better. They always showed me that those who have tons of hate/angry are the ones who need the most help. But never at the cost of yourself should you help others. They taught me more about handling money by the time I was in 3rd grade then my DH knew when I met him (thats for some reason important to me). My father had the work ethic that was amazing but it was 4th in his list of life prioritize.
We talked about them several times....His #1 was himself because unless you know yourself and take care of yourself you are nothing to any one else. #2 his marriage-yes even before kids! Kids are part of your life but your spouse will be there longer then kids and a strong foundation makes stronger kids. #3 his children, #4 his job......if for any reason he had to pick either we live with less but he spends time with wife and kids or we get nicer things but at the cost of not seeing wife and kids---he picked family over money every time

I cant think of anything that is an inappropriate conversation with them....they were very open. It bugged me at times that they bought me a car and paid for my college completely....I took so much pride in doing things for myself, that getting from them bugged me at times....so I'm not sure if I will just give children cars or college---DH had to pay it all on his own. We see pros/cons of both sides-so we are going to help them but not give a free ride.

so i guess I want to SHOW my kids what good people are like and hope they learn from it. Independence and global thinking are huge for me. I want them to understand that their life and the other people's life on this planet are all connected and you should act accordingly with the things you do. And that EVERYONE is responsible for making the world better or worse....i hope they pick better. That the universe has a plan and you will always get what you need but that my not be what you want at the time.
And I hope they Don't copy my eating/exercising habits---i'm trying to change them now but its the same ones my parents had so I hope they copy troy on this topic LOL.

ok wow this question is like therapy LOL...

Did i answer the question or was the above just rambling?!?!

[Garfieldbear]

No Angela, I liked what you said a lot....it's nice to hear from someone who had a happy childhood, and I can tell that you had a good upbringing from how confident, intelligent, and community-oriented you are....sounds like you will make an awesome parent!!!! Wow, I never thought that this question would be thought of as therapeutic, but I hope that nobody got hurt in thinking about unpleasant memories. I like to turn negatives into positives...like a sad childhood could become a positive if you learn something and become a good parent for your own kids. Or in a happy childhood, you could acknowledge your parents as wonderful role models and decide to do the same for your own kids. I have had some good role models while growing up that I will keep in mind when a parent, and I hope to learn from you guys as well...so many of you are/will make awesome parents....I think that just being on this board makes it so