Mike decided to write a blog about his feelings through this journey-- some I didn't even know he had!! I think it's really profound,

ttcbabyschwinger.blogspot.com
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Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Confessions of The Other Half

Well, since Michelle showed me the picture of the little boy from Best Buy-- where I love to work-- I realized that this is OUR story. So, it's time I say something about the feelings I've had over the last 4 1/2 years, but more specifically about the last 14 or so months.

When Michelle and I started getting serious, my first thought was "What is she going to let me name my kids?" This was before we even got engaged, but all I knew was that us being together was a good thing, and it was going somewhere.

When I asked her to marry me, my thoughts were still on Michelle and I, and kids were just a "given". I never thought we'd have the problems we do.

When my Doctor told me about my incredibly low testosterone, I started to worry about my-- and OUR-- ability to have children. I went for "the testing", found out I was going to have problems, and it was probably one of the most devastating days of my life. I thought, I'm the last of my bloodline, it stops here-- I'm an only child with no cousins.

Michelle's reaction to this was pure anger and denial-- she didn't want to talk about it-- her entire life's dream was to become a mother-- which made it all that much harder. I knew I was disappointing her and it killed me.

The problem wasn't so much infertility as it was the fact that I was told "0 sperm", no swimmers at all. 0 means 0. I was embarrassed. I tried/ try not to be, but it's one of those things that's inherent to being male in our culture, and that's the Psychology/Sociology degrees talking there, but it's all true.

I began the Clomid and testosterone treatments and learned that we and I quote my Doctor, might conceive with "a whole lot of luck and a little bit of prayer." I remember walking out of that office, Michelle was crying with joy, and I just gave her the biggest hug I possibly could. I felt like the punch in the gut I got 6 months was getting less painful. The numbers kept going up, although low, and that was really encouraging.

Flash forward to October 2007. Michelle and I were talking about getting pregnant casually, and I was horny one night, the same night Michelle had gotten a positive ovulation test. That became the beginning of our attempts. Part of it was also that Michelle was open to the idea of trying-- basically, I found out Michelle wasn't afraid to have sex while ovulating. I was ready to TTC, but I felt that, like "you're never really ever ready " and that night, in Michelle's dorm room, we realized we were really close to finishing college, and we could finally start-- Michelle was totally open to the idea. I don't think there was any difference in who wanted to TTC more.

November 27, 2007, Michelle called me and said that she had called the Dr. and the Dr. said she needed to get there NOW. I drove out to Lewiston, we weren't super close geographically while she was in college. When the Dr. told us we had had a chemical pregnancy, or a "blighted ovum", I didn't really know what to do. Michelle closed off from me, and it was her birthday, and I was afraid she was blaming me for the loss. It was hard, but I waited until she was ready to talk about it, and she was ready to try again-- the very next month.

So we continued to try with failures, including what seemed to be a positive test the day before Valentine's. The bottom line was, a pregnancy didn't result although I saw the lines, she saw the lines, and her family saw the lines. This lead to another breakdown of emotions and she spent 2 days in bed, missing classes and everything. I researched almost everything I could on the internet that might help us.

We've been trying-- and when Michelle found out in Sept. 08 she had "PCOS" (which her doctor then decided was all due to her Hashimoto's Thyroiditis) and wasn't ovulating, it was also a terrible day . Michelle was incurably sad for days, and I knew exactly how she felt, but nothing helped her. We had known for years her thyroid could play a huge role in miscarriages, not ovulating, and risks for our baby until the 1st trimester was over, but it had never clicked in our heads, except for Michelle's occasional complaint about her goiter hurting.

Here we are now, Michelle is in Cycle #14, year 2, my spirits are OK. Michelle's cycles have been regulating, and that's a real plus.

As a whole, this entire process is just one more trial in life to get past, and I really believe one day we will hold our babies-- no matter how they were conceived. I know this isn't the ideal "Newlywed experience". Infertility has made it harder, but at the same time, we are closer than ever. All in all, this is another adventure for us, and another problem to tackle together, all emotions included.

Mike

[♥Ashley♥]

I read it this morning He is so darn sweet! (((((HUGS))))) to Mike!

[**jessie**]

Thanks so much for sharing that with us! I couldn't believe how touching Mike's words were- you have definitively found a good man! I can't imagine how hard all this has been for you two, but I see that your relationship has continued to get stronger and I am eagerly looking forward to your BFP.

[IamMom]

So sweet - you've got a pretty special guy there Michelle!

I call him "My Wonderful" after Jessica Simpson lyrics: "He's my Wonderful. Everything a girl could want, yes he's all I need. He's my Wonderful, must have been sent from above just for me."

I just think it was neat how he grabbed my laptop and said, "I have some things to say too". Few guys are willing to express themselves, and I love that he does that, even why he cries.

[Mars]

Oh Michelle, that brought tears to my eyes. You have a special guy, cherish him regardless of what may happen. Men like him are very hard to find! I hope someday that you both will hold your baby/ies in your arms because I think that you two will make wonderful parents.

[LaLaRose3]

Aw, that was so sweet! What a good man you've got!

[~* Helen *~]

Aww thats so sweet !!!!!

The things I learned from it are really helpful to our relationship-- he observes EVERYTHING I do, every facial expression. I also don't remember being angry when his S/A revealed nothing, but I guess I was-- I feel deeply sorry for that reaction. I think that people who read our blog will really benefit from seeing the "other side" as he called it, esp. couples with bilateral infertility. Maybe other ladies can get their men to talk by reading the blog?

Mike is so articulate and a great writer, and I'm really proud of him taking the initiative to write that. I couldn't have DREAMED of a better DH!!

Sounds like what Mike wrote is awesome!

I can't read your blog for some reason, but I want to say that I love that he is writing about his feelings on MFI. It is important not to neglect a man's feelings in the matter; women aren't the only ones that take it hard. That is why I have always felt defensive for the husbands who have wives on JM that trash them for their MFI. It is hard to get over seeing your husband cry because he thinks he can't give you a child.

Anyways, enough of my blabbering Hopefully I can read what he wrote soon!

[Hoosier Kitty]

both of you.

[LisanAndy]

Wow! That made me teary. You can tell he totally adores you and that he REALLY pays attention to you and how you're feeling. You have yourself an amazing husband

[..Christine..]

awww that was so incredibly cute!!! What a great, great DH you have!!

[*vi]

that is really sweet. you're a lucky woman

Thanks girls! I showed him the comments and he just smiled. I knew he didn't WANT recognition, but he deserves it, IMO.

[Garfieldbear]

That's really awesome how you and Mike are supporting each other and are in on this together.....that's a special bond both of you share

[*Anna*]

Michelle- you have such a wonderful and thoughtful hubby!!! U r very lucky and I wish for you to get the BFP you and Mike soooo deserve!!! I loved reading what he wrote and it makes me very happy to see how his words can strengthen your relationship! Thanks for sharing!!!

[soImarriedAnerd]

I read it about 10 sec after he published it because it popped up on my reader!

What a great post. You have a real sweetheart Michelle!

[*kyle*]

I have always known Mike is a special guy... hey, he registered on a site called Just Mommies at one point in time, LOL. But this just goes to show what an equal partner he is in the emotional side of your marriage and that is super sweet.

I either didn't know or had forgotten that you had a blighted ovum too. I am sorry. What a horrendous, just deeply painful experience it is. I know how it affected Eric to go through it as he was equally upset about losing the pregnancy and about my own feelings. A good man wants to support and carry us in our times of need, even when they themselves need support.