My MIL and I didn't get off on the best foot when Dustin and I first got together. But somehow or another, we are now great together! But I have a few things that have to deal with the baby that I will need to talk to her about or somehow avoid, and I need some advice on how to handle it without marring our relationship.

1. Her boyfriend. She has a boyfriend she lives with, and he is nice enough. They are obviously serious, and have been together at least 3 years. But since he lives with her I absolutely 100% do not want our child to ever have a sleepover at her house. I just think it is risky, b/c really, she isn't the best judge in men (I do like this guy though), and I really don't know this man well enough. I have to be the number one protector for my child and I think it is too big a risk. This shouldn't be too big of a deal since we live in the same town, but I know it will come up at some point. My idea was to somehow avoid it, b/c how can I tell her this without offending her? But I know it will come up. Any advice?

2. We are not circumcising. One of my husband's brothers wasn't circ at first, but had it done later when he was a little older due to "infection". I am thinking she maybe pulled the foreskin back when she shouldn't have, although I should ask her to really get the 411. Anyways, if she is watching our child and he is a boy, this will obviously be an issue! I think I need to talk to her about it but I am not sure how to approach the subject without things getting heated b/c she either is very pro circ with her horror story, or b/c she will think I am being accusatory. But I don't want this happening to my son! Any ideas?

Thanks! Things are so much easier when it comes to me talking to my own mother, but you know how it can be with MILs.

[ShannonMVT]

1. I am fairly non-confrontational so on this one I personally would approach from the perspective of "oh I'm just an overprotective mom and I don't want him staying overnight with anyone else. I'm just not comfortable with it." My dad has horrid balance problems (that he is in denial about) and we are worried about him dropping the baby while trying to play him. But I don't want to hurt his feelings so this is how I'm going to approach that situation (of not wanting him bouncing him on his knee, etc) is by saying that I am just really protective.

2. Not totally sure here. I think all you can do is say you've done research, and you feel strongly about not circing. And therefore you need her to be understanding if she wants to help out with diaper changes and so forth.

[..Christine..]

PMed you a response!

[*Anna*]

I agree with Shannon on the part about your MILs boyfriend, and not allowing your baby to spend night... maybe just don't give the opportunity for him/her to spend night.

And on the circ'ing... I would definately wait until you know the sex (I can't remember- are you finding out?) and then if you have a boy over dinner or lunch I would just say that you are not circ'ing and see her thought. If she doesn't bring up her son who had to have it done afterwards... ask her about it... as kind and understanding as you can, and then discuss it. Ask her why he had to have it done. Tell her that you have done all the research and reading on it, and what you know about it. I'm sure she'll understand, especially if she first didn't circ, she must have some reason to not do it.

[**jessie**]

1. I would just wait to discuss this one. A newborn will probably not be spending the night with anyone for a good while, unless there ends up being special circumstances. I know I didn't spend the night with grandparents until I was 1 yr old. Maybe by that time you will get to know this man better, and can make a better judgment. I would think that if you brought it up now, it would hurt her feelings (and his) and cause some bad feelings.

2. I agree with Anna. If the baby is a girl, then you just saved yourself that conversation. If blobby is a boy, then I would say that it depends how close you are to her. Would that normally be something you would discuss with her? I might consider just not telling her because that opens up the issue for discussion and obviously you have made your mind up and it is not something up for debating. If it is something you would discuss, then I would just flat out tell her and tell her why you decided that way.

[Mod-LadyCoconut]

I would handle it similar to Shannon as well and just go the 'overprotective' route for everything you're worried is an issue.

Since you'll be BFing (right?) then just say no to sleepovers due to that. If she pushes it or you can't use BFing as an excuse... tell her that you're just crazy overprotective and that baby won't be spending the night with with anyone. Seems pretty reasonable to me... at least for the first year or so, and by then you will hopefully have gotten a better feel for her BF. If he's okay, then go for it... and if he's not, then stockpile the reasons why he's not to talk to Dustin about it, and let him handle his mother. It's a lot easier for you to talk to YOUR mom, b/c she's yours... and likewise, I would just let him broach the subject with his own mother. He can tell her that HE (or the both of you... but never specifically just you) are not comfortable with your baby staying there because you don't have a well developed relationship/bond with her boyfriend. Maybe she could come to your house and have a sleepover and you two will let her get up with baby all night long... haha.

As far as the circ thing... I think the best thing to do again is just play the overprotective new mom rule. You can either insist on showing EVERYONE (and making a big 'to do' about it so it clearly isn't just geared towards MIL) how to properly clean and change him. OR you could even really 'go crazy' (haha) and make some kind of instruction manual where you explain the parenting choices you've made and why. Not that you should have to do that, but this way if it goes against anything your parents just 'assume' you'll do... you can also show them you've researched it and know you're making an education decision. In there you could detail why you're circing and exactly the right & wrong ways of taking care of him. Especially if you never broach the 'why did you not and then later circ your son' topic... you can play dumb and just act like you never knew, so naturally, you would explain to her how to clean an intact penis b/c for all you know, all she's ever dealt with his circ'd ones. kwim?

[Frozendesire]

I agree with Shannon!

I would say that you are over protective and you are not interested in having your little one do any sleep overs for a while. Gives you time to *know* her BF better and/or prep DH to stick up to his mom about exactly why you are not okay with sleep overs.

I love Shannon's idea about the Circ issue. I would make it a huge deal and tell everyone how to clean it, etc etc. This way it isn't targeted towards MIL but is getting the point across to everyone. I wouldn't worry about telling why you chose how you chose. It's really no bodies business.

LOL, that manual idea sounds like something I would do.

Thanks for the advice girls. I do have to say though, there is no way I will ever want her boyfriend watching our kids by himself, or our kids spending the night there alone. Not ever. Hopefully we will move out of state before that comes up when our kids are older. The only thing is, my mom WILL be watching our baby (she doesn't have a live in boyfriend), even that first year, and MIL will know it. Oh well I guess. I will just try to avoid it when it comes up or something. Better that then saying, "Your B/F could be a molester" LOL.

And I think I will go the super ultra protective route when it comes to the circumcision thing. And I will have Dustin make a big to do over how to clean it properly too. Then we both seem very protective.

[Mod-LadyCoconut]

Maybe you'll get lucky and your MIL won't want to have baby sleepovers?

[soImarriedAnerd]

Totally agree with shannon and LOVE the manual idea!